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Post by catlover on Nov 11, 2021 13:49:11 GMT -5
Some progress, in fact a big one I think. My wife, who you may recall is very ill, was answering a questionnaire as part of her ongoing advocacy work. I copied the relevant portion here.
"Unfortunately the current treatment has not improved weight, appetite diarrhoea, faecal incontinence, constipation, dizziness and sexual dysfunction."
She sent me the full questionnaire answers to review, So I asked her point blank what does she mean by "sexual dysfunction". For a male it is obvious, i.e. Erectile Dysfunction, but unclear to me how it relates to a female.
Her response was she has zero interest in sex, starting about 10 or so years back. So I asked her is it ME she has no interest with to which she replied that it was not me, just the illness causing it. Not really the outcome I was looking for but at least the air is cleared. Next step is to discuss where that leaves me, one of us has no interest but not the other (if that makes any sense at all)
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Post by Handy on Nov 11, 2021 14:02:48 GMT -5
Catlover, at least this gets the subject out in the open so maybe you two could come up with some options. By options, I mean all poaaible options on paper and then eliminating the least desirable options.
I will suggest not looking for a mutual agreeable option first.
The list of all options should also have space for conflicts and why/what the other person fears.
This list needs to be bold in spirit / options but agree ahead of time, it is a LIST and not a demand for future actions decided by one party.
Also give it a time line. Would half-way on some activity work?
Best wishes.
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Post by catlover on Nov 11, 2021 14:19:28 GMT -5
I should have added in there, I had been trying to get up the motivation to see my long-time pay for play lady friend, this solidified it for me and as luck(?) would have it I had an excuse to get away to close proximity to her anyway. So I duly did that and felt great afterward. I think just getting that into the open (her lack of desire and the reason for it) freed me from guilt. Handy, could you elaborate on what options you are talking about? |
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Post by Handy on Nov 11, 2021 20:43:41 GMT -5
Catlover
As far as "your Options" I was meaning to include a list of how people satisfy sexual / romantic desires and expression, which could include hand jobs to one person having a regular sex partner. Come up with 50+ situations without judging anything. This is all out in the open on paper, no things off limit on your paper list. No one has has veto power about what is on the list but there has to be some understanding how each thing on the list would affect the other person. The list does not mean you or her is right. Most things on the list most likely will not work for one or both of you.
The old term for the list was "brain storming" every idea is listed without a good or bad opinion, academically. The option list is more about finding solutions, than work on the right or wrong parts. It is a talking point to allow both of you to be honest with each other, rather than judging each other.
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Post by catlover on Nov 15, 2021 16:54:26 GMT -5
Well, I opened the topic of discussing possible alternatives, and since then, crickets.
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Post by catlover on Nov 22, 2021 11:57:24 GMT -5
Update: Had another serious conversation on Saturday, no holds barred. Guess what, I got an unsolicited Gooood hug from her this morning. Feels sooo good. She has no idea how much it lifts my spirits. :-)
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Post by theexplorer on Nov 22, 2021 17:35:18 GMT -5
Handy, If you have a list of 50+ solutions could you please post it. I've tried that brain storming approach and couldn't come up with even a dozen ideas. (The brain storming list has been VERY HELPFUL on other problems in my life.)
Catlover, great to hear you were hugged by your wife and that you saw your lady friend! Being touched can mean so much!!
Perhaps you should talk with your wife about the lack of affection in your marriage. Different people have different desires. Some folks need to be touched to feel loved. If your wife is capable of hugging, kissing, caressing, massaging, cuddling, etc. then expecting that she would do these things seems reasonable. Perhaps she could explain to you why she is unwilling to do these things that meet one of your most basic human needs.
My wife's need for affection can be met by having me spend time with her and talking with her. Unfortunately, being touched is not important to her. It was extremely difficult to get her to even slightly understand how important touch is to me. Sometimes I have to literally tell her, "I want you to cuddle with me." At first, she was reluctant, but then she realized that she could talk while we cuddled. That made cuddling much more appealing to her! We recently spent an hour laying in bed cuddling. She talked the entire time! We both enjoyed it, but for very different reasons! (No, there was no sex that morning, she was in a LOT of pain that day!)
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Post by catlover on Dec 1, 2021 13:16:52 GMT -5
"Perhaps you should talk with your wife about the lack of affection in your marriage. Different people have different desires. Some folks need to be touched to feel loved. If your wife is capable of hugging, kissing, caressing, massaging, cuddling, etc. then expecting that she would do these things seems reasonable. Perhaps she could explain to you why she is unwilling to do these things that meet one of your most basic human needs."
Tried that half a dozen times :-(
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 27, 2022 19:20:29 GMT -5
Some progress, in fact a big one I think. My wife, who you may recall is very ill, was answering a questionnaire as part of her ongoing advocacy work. I copied the relevant portion here. "Unfortunately the current treatment has not improved weight, appetite diarrhoea, faecal incontinence, constipation, dizziness and sexual dysfunction." She sent me the full questionnaire answers to review, So I asked her point blank what does she mean by "sexual dysfunction". For a male it is obvious, i.e. Erectile Dysfunction, but unclear to me how it relates to a female. Her response was she has zero interest in sex, starting about 10 or so years back. So I asked her is it ME she has no interest with to which she replied that it was not me, just the illness causing it. Not really the outcome I was looking for but at least the air is cleared. Next step is to discuss where that leaves me, one of us has no interest but not the other (if that makes any sense at all) I’ve become somewhat matter of fact when it comes to this subject these days and therefore I will apologise ahead of time if the way I come across seems cold. If you and your wife played golf together as a couple and then you got unwell and lost interest in playing, would you enforce that same outcome on her? She could do other things to assist your need but in most cases it remains a choice not to. It’s a very difficult situation to be in. |
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Post by catlover on Feb 28, 2022 8:13:50 GMT -5
Update: Had another serious conversation on Saturday, no holds barred. Guess what, I got an unsolicited Gooood hug from her this morning. Feels sooo good. She has no idea how much it lifts my spirits. :-) Just looking back, that was the last unsolicited hug I have had :-( Since then I have ceased initiating any contact and actively pursuing the FWB route (not much luck so far though) |
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Post by rejected101 on Mar 1, 2022 19:48:19 GMT -5
Update: Had another serious conversation on Saturday, no holds barred. Guess what, I got an unsolicited Gooood hug from her this morning. Feels sooo good. She has no idea how much it lifts my spirits. :-) Just looking back, that was the last unsolicited hug I have had :-( Since then I have ceased initiating any contact and actively pursuing the FWB route (not much luck so far though) If you pursue FWB and achieve it, do you think the hugs, kisses and sex will be an adequate replacement for the missing hugs, kisses and sex in your marriage? There’s certainly no criticism from me if it does or if it doesn’t serve to be a suitable answer but I’m interested to know. I think if I’d have gone down the same route, I honestly believe I would have resented my then wife even more for not being more like the FWB option. Outsourcing is definitely at legitimate option as is documented on this forum many times. Leaving is better. That’s my opinion. |
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Post by angeleyes65 on May 22, 2022 9:15:54 GMT -5
rejected101 you didn't ask me but from personal experience yes the attention, kisses affection and sex did make up for what was missing in my marriage. And you are exactly right while at first it allowed me to be less bitter towards my refuser it eventually made me more bitter towards him. And I agree leaving is better but not everyone can or will make that choice especially if dealing with kids, or illness
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