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Post by heelots on Nov 8, 2021 10:33:41 GMT -5
So here I am, 23 years in a SM. I will admit, our marriage sucks, we argue a lot, agree on little, and our only shared interest as best I can figure is our kids. At 59, I am finding my sex drive dropping a bit which given my situation is a blessing. We have not shared a bed for years and due to finances, divorce would leave us both in poverty till we die. I do not hate her, nor wish her any ill. A couple years ago I got a few medical conditions which make it doubtful i could find another woman that would want me anyway so that is also part of my reality.
Even if i had no medical conditions i do not think i could live with myself if i ever stepped out on her ( not that she does not deserve it) for me, it is simple, I married her.
If things got to the point that I had to have another that could only happen if I divorced her, which I know I am not going to do. Though she does not deserve my dedication, I know she would never do that to me. I have to think, regardless the SM, how betrayed would I feel if my wife ever did that to me? I could simply never do to her what I would not want done to me. Tough for sure, only option to continue as I have for the last 23 years is porn. For me, at this point i spent little time with the porn, just enough time to get the relief needed a few times a week and nothing more. Simply a quick way to get the relief needed and nothing more.
Choices for me are stay with her, or divorce and maybe find other partners, but that would only be an option if i divorced. Stay or go, as simple as that.
My situation dictates it is just easier to accept things as they are and stay at this point because i could never live with myself for betraying her, even if she deserved it.
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Post by Handy on Nov 8, 2021 17:34:56 GMT -5
Heelots, I am in there with yoi on the medical crap. My one piece of advice is to develop interests that "YOU Like" outside of marriage. This may sound dumb but some days I go to a McDonald's and just buy a cold drink I enjoy the cold, low calorie drink while out on a bicycle ride. I have developed casual relationships with a few people. Now that i do not ride my bike, I st5ill stop in for a cool drink and just watch people do their own things. If I see an older person reading a book I approach them. Some don't want to be bothered and that is OK. Some welcome company. I suspect there are there to do their version of people watching. This usually happens after PM It sounds as if your W is never going to save your emotional soul so that is a challenge for you to do. 2001 Buick, 4 original power window mechanisms, 5 more replacements and now one more went wonky. It is an easy fix and I actually have the RF part in stock. Why buy one when the failure rate is so high. On the Buick forum some guys have replaced 8 window mechanisms.
I am on Aveo / Daewoo car forum but that place doesn't get much traffic.
I understand that you and I have some common mechanical interests so I am just sharing what doesn't help much but does help to relieve a little frustration.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 9, 2021 12:35:08 GMT -5
Medical conditions that make it doubtful you'll find another woman? I know a man who shot off the bottom half of his face in a suicide attempt. He has no nose, has to eat through a tube in his throat. He is also now legally blind. He got married 3 years ago to a woman he met while they both were volunteering at a community theater. She loves him deeply.
I knew another man who due to MS was in a wheelchair. He ended up marrying the woman who had become his paid caregiver. She loved him deeply until he died.
I know another man-- has had CP since birth-- he got married a couple of years ago to a woman who seems to adore him.
I know a man who is legally blind, into kink, and had a very randy sex life -- including 2 marriages -- with women who liked to be dominated.
Have you considered that you may outlive your wife? What will you do then?
All of the people I know with illnesses/disabilities who have gotten married or found partners found them due to their involvement in social activities that both of them enjoyed. There are even online meetups and volunteer opportunities....
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Post by heelots on Nov 9, 2021 13:08:51 GMT -5
Medical conditions that make it doubtful you'll find another woman? I know a man who shot off the bottom half of his face in a suicide attempt. He has no nose, has to eat through a tube in his throat. He is also now legally blind. He got married 3 years ago to a woman he met while they both were volunteering at a community theater. She loves him deeply. I knew another man who due to MS was in a wheelchair. He ended up marrying the woman who had become his paid caregiver. She loved him deeply until he died. I know another man-- has had CP since birth-- he got married a couple of years ago to a woman who seems to adore him. I know a man who is legally blind, into kink, and had a very randy sex life -- including 2 marriages -- with women who liked to be dominated. Have you considered that you may outlive your wife? What will you do then? All of the people I know with illnesses/disabilities who have gotten married or found partners found them due to their involvement in social activities that both of them enjoyed. There are even online meetups and volunteer opportunities.... I suppose so and I do not dispute your point. Being totally honest I probably have had some minor depression going on for awhile as well which certainly has not been helping my outlook and perspective I suppose. I am not as positive and upbeat as I use to be, more quiet and introverted, which is the total opposite of what I have been most of my life. |
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Post by Handy on Nov 9, 2021 13:19:41 GMT -5
heelots, medical conditions do effect how others see you but like Northstarmon might have implied a positive and "can do attitude" makes you a better friend to other people, male or female.
Most relationship start slow. Maybe most never develop to much. and some develop more.
This is no 1/4 mile foot race. I think of what we are in as a 5 year trek. There are going to be a lot of desolate and lonely spaces on the way. It will take you being seen as valuable by someone else and having a "can do" attitude attracts certain individuals. The "doom and gloom" mentality usually drives people away.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 9, 2021 14:36:29 GMT -5
heelots: "I suppose so and I do not dispute your point. Being totally honest I probably have had some minor depression going on for awhile as well which certainly has not been helping my outlook and perspective I suppose. I am not as positive and upbeat as I use to be, more quiet and introverted, which is the total opposite of what I have been most of my life."
Therapy and/or medication may make a big difference. I'm saying this from my own experience with depression. For me, therapy wasn't enough, but when I accepted medication while continuing therapy, I literally became a different person -- the kind of person I'd always admired. Without waiting for my husband's approval or involvement, I became involved in new activities and made new friends. Although my getting into therapy and accepting meds was so I'd be less miserable, not so I'd divorce, several years later, I did feel so good and confident about myself that I divorced my refuser. I ended up in a happy relationship (now more than 8 years long!) with a man I'd met in community theater, the hobby I'd taken up after becoming more confident about myself.
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Post by heelots on Nov 9, 2021 15:50:12 GMT -5
heelots, medical conditions do effect how others see you but like Northstarmon might have implied a positive and "can do attitude" makes you a better friend to other people, male or female. Most relationship start slow. Maybe most never develop to much. and some develop more. This is no 1/4 mile foot race. I think of what we are in as a 5 year trek. There are going to be a lot of desolate and lonely spaces on the way. It will take you being seen as valuable by someone else and having a "can do" attitude attracts certain individuals. The "doom and gloom" mentality usually drives people away. Which for me is a bit ironic. I have always been outgoing, never met a stranger, and the easy going, not easily offended and fun loving personality. I have always enjoyed kids and I suppose in some ways have always been a big kid myself. These medical setbacks of the last couple years have left me taking a fistful of pills daily, often too fatigued to have the energy to do anything I would love to do. Just so tired all the time. I go to work, fall into recliner, head to bed by 8-9pm m-f and spend most weekends in that recliner. Between the meds and medical condition I am just pooped all the time. Tired of being tired and tired of a piss poor marriage. Wife wonders why I just let my laundry pile up. She just has no clue, thinks I am lazy... |
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Post by heelots on Nov 9, 2021 15:56:48 GMT -5
heelots, medical conditions do effect how others see you but like Northstarmon might have implied a positive and "can do attitude" makes you a better friend to other people, male or female. Most relationship start slow. Maybe most never develop to much. and some develop more. This is no 1/4 mile foot race. I think of what we are in as a 5 year trek. There are going to be a lot of desolate and lonely spaces on the way. It will take you being seen as valuable by someone else and having a "can do" attitude attracts certain individuals. The "doom and gloom" mentality usually drives people away. Which for me is a bit ironic. I have always been outgoing, never met a stranger, and the easy going, not easily offended and fun loving personality. I have always enjoyed kids and I suppose in some ways have always been a big kid myself. These medical setbacks of the last couple years have left me taking a fistful of pills daily, often too fatigued to have the energy to do anything I would love to do. Just so tired all the time. I go to work, fall into recliner, head to bed by 8-9pm m-f and spend most weekends in that recliner. Between the meds and medical condition I am just pooped all the time. Tired of being tired and tired of a piss poor marriage. Wife wonders why I just let my laundry pile up. She just has no clue, thinks I am lazy... To explain, wife usually only does her laundry, rarely ever makes any meals, buys groceries only when the place is near empty of food. Essentially, our place has been every man for himself including the kids for years. Sort of like every person living there is a room mate if you will. So truly in almost every single respect, my wife is only a room mate and has been nothing more for years. |
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Post by Handy on Nov 9, 2021 16:54:32 GMT -5
Heelots
These medical setbacks of the last couple years have left me taking a fistful of pills daily, often too fatigued to have the energy to do anything I would love to do. Just so tired all the time.
I went through the "only could work M- to F and rested part of the weekends in my 40s with my back injuries. It sucked.
Now I take several pills in the AM and several pills in the PM. My recent bowel obstruction really took energy out of me. Fortunately I am retired so no more going to work. I was keeping busy with extended family things but gave up those tasks for now.
Heelots, I don't have much good news about your family, marriage, or medical situation. I do want you to know I understand much of your situation.
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Post by heelots on Nov 9, 2021 17:04:07 GMT -5
Heelots
These medical setbacks of the last couple years have left me taking a fistful of pills daily, often too fatigued to have the energy to do anything I would love to do. Just so tired all the time.I went through the "only could work M- to F and rested part of the weekends in my 40s with my back injuries. It sucked. Now I take several pills in the AM and several pills in the PM. My recent bowel obstruction really took energy out of me. Fortunately I am retired so no more going to work. I was keeping busy with extended family things but gave up those tasks for now. Heelots, I don't have much good news about your family, marriage, or medical situation. I do want you to know I understand much of your situation. I know you can relate as we have talked. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 10, 2021 7:37:28 GMT -5
Tired of being tired and tired of a piss poor marriage. Wife wonders why I just let my laundry pile up. She just has no clue, thinks I am lazy... Probably "tough love". What they don't understand (I didn't for a good long while) is that chronic fatigue/depression is like the flu without a fever. The will to act just isn't there. It's why sick people can watch TV all day. I don't like more than 20 minutes of TV at a time, generally. When I'm sick, I can binge watch all day. Motivation to accomplish is nowhere to be found. Lazy? No. I'm sick. And because I act that way for a day or two, no one calls me names. Depression was invented by Satan. |
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