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Post by carl on Oct 18, 2021 4:18:58 GMT -5
For me living in a sexless marriage is simetimes confounded by the idea that the grass in greener on the other side. Not really a rational way of thinking but also maybe something which many of us who have left a partnership must have had some belief in in order to have left. I watched a film with my W where a couple took part in a heated sex scene. When I say a couple I guess i really mean a man and a woman but as far as I could make out they weren’t in a comitted or long term relationship. The film had really only just kicked off but the aim of the scene seemed to be to make the viewer wonder actually who the two people were and why they were having sex. It gave the impression of maybe adultery or this kind of thing. But sensationalised and glamourised as heightened enjoyment and excitement etc. Anyway it wasn’t romantic at all and didn’t give an impression of love or caring but rather something more set at a kind of deceitful or manipulative angle…sinister in a way. but I couldn’t watch so I don’t know the actual “plot.” If one could elevate it to such. However my W seemed unbothered and entirely at ease maybe even curious or interested by what made me feel like walking infront of a bus. Precious little sex in 15 years of hard graft in a marriage. It felt like a very tough moment. Ofcouse choosing not to watch the remainder of the film was met with shall I politely say “suprise and disappointment.” But no empathy what so ever. I guess a lot of others may have had similar experiences.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 18, 2021 5:37:24 GMT -5
...I watched a film with my W where a couple took part in a heated sex scene. ...However my W seemed unbothered and entirely at ease maybe even curious or interested by what made me feel like walking in front of a bus. ...I guess a lot of others may have had similar experiences. Oh, yeah. Others have had that happen. iliasm.org/thread/5861/scenes-showsOften the refuser is the one that skedaddles.
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Post by h on Oct 26, 2021 11:18:19 GMT -5
Yeah. The TV and movie sex scenes are super awkward for us. Actually just this Saturday I got to experience the discomfort again. I believe the movie was called The Heartbreak Kid. Don't quote me on that because I only got a glimpse of the title before it started. It had Ben Stiller in it. There was a wild and very active sex scene in it and I just sat in the recliner in such a way that my tablet blocked the screen while I focused on Facebook. The scene passed without comment. Later in the movie the woman was singing bad songs really loudly in the car and it was obviously very annoying to Stiller's character. W asked me "Do I annoy you like that when I sing in the car?" She doesn't, so I was honest in my reply, "Nope. Don't worry honey, you're nothing like her." I thought to myself about the double meaning behind my words. She obviously didn't pick up on that subtext because she was happy with my reply.
The funniest part of it all is that that very morning she had asked me about having sex later that night. Then the above happened that evening. The sex never ended up happening. It was never going to happen. Her interest in sex "later" inherently means that it won't happen. I expected nothing and was correct. She kept us out far later that evening than she first said she would. She did things that she knows are strenuous on her back. When we finally got to bed the first thing she said was that her back hurt and then she was asleep shortly after the light was out. From the moment she asked for sex that morning, I knew what the result would be. I was correct.
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Post by Handy on Oct 26, 2021 12:00:04 GMT -5
H From the moment she asked for sex that morning, I knew what the result would be. I was correct.At least you didn't do a "Charlie Brown" and allow Lucy to trick you into kicking the football, only to have her pull it away as you go to kick the football. You didn't get sucked into a heartbreaking play.
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Post by h on Oct 26, 2021 12:19:49 GMT -5
H From the moment she asked for sex that morning, I knew what the result would be. I was correct.At least you didn't do a "Charlie Brown" and allow Lucy to trick you into kicking the football, only to have her pull it away as you go to kick the football. You didn't get sucked into a heartbreaking play.
Nope. I'm finally smart enough not to fall for it. It took far too long to get there, but I'm proud of myself for not taking the emotional bait.
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Post by Handy on Oct 26, 2021 12:47:47 GMT -5
H, I read that you would take sex from your W if she got in bed with you and was the initiator. A long time ago after my W moved to the spare bedroom, she came to my bed and wanted to cuddle at first. One thing lead to another and sex happened. Like you, I wasn't going to turn down the sex but I wasn't going to put the work into getting her interested in having sex only to hear her many complaints that sex is only for men. .
The sex wasn't great that time but it was a little better than flying solo and the skin contact felt good. I got to feel her up which was satisfying to me and I knew she really liked the back rub I gave her while she was on top. I like to have my pleasures but giving pleasure is also important to me.
I have read many, many posts by women and I have come to the understanding that turning a woman down regarding sex is very emotionally devastating for most women. I don't want to be the bearer of such negative emotions and crush a woman's sexuality.
Maybe the idea of cold pizza is better than no pizza if a person is really hungry applies. Maybe cold buttered corn in a pinch also fits the analogy.
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Post by h on Oct 26, 2021 14:26:40 GMT -5
H, I read that you would take sex from your W if she got in bed with you and was the initiator. A long time ago after my W moved to the spare bedroom, she came to my bed and wanted to cuddle at first. One thing lead to another and sex happened. Like you, I wasn't going to turn down the sex but I wasn't going to put the work into getting her interested in having sex only to hear her many complaints that sex is only for men. . The sex wasn't great that time but it was a little better than flying solo and the skin contact felt good. I got to feel her up which was satisfying to me and I knew she really liked the back rub I gave her while she was on top. I like to have my pleasures but giving pleasure is also important to me. I have read many, many posts by women and I have come to the understanding that turning a woman down regarding sex is very emotionally devastating for most women. I don't want to be the bearer of such negative emotions and crush a woman's sexuality. Maybe the idea of cold pizza is better than no pizza if a person is really hungry applies. Maybe cold buttered corn in a pinch also fits the analogy. I'm not a counter-refuser yet. That may happen someday, but it's not the case right now. I have to disagree with your analogy though, at least from my perspective. Cold pizza is better than no pizza, but solo for me is better than the sex with her. The effort and energy required to make sex happen isn't worth the minimal amount of pleasure I get from it. It's tiring using muscles to hold myself back, moving as slow as she wants me to meaning almost no pleasure for me. All the weight on my arms and shoulders in the one and only position allowed, holding myself up while barely moving. It's like doing planks for exercise. I go through with it because in the back of my mind I still have my marriage vows telling me that it's my job to give her what she needs. I fully understand that she hasn't kept her end of the vows for years, but I haven't gotten to the point where I can override my own vows. At this point, sex is for her. I'll go through with it if she wants to and make sure she's satisfied, but I'm not chasing after her anymore. Solo, I can lay down and relax, enjoy the physical sensations.
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Post by Handy on Oct 26, 2021 16:03:30 GMT -5
H Solo, I can lay down and relax, enjoy the physical sensations.I understand. In my case, my W is claustrophobic and has to be on top. I can play with her hair, rub her back and push up enough to keep hard and enjoy some good feelings. After a while her weight and my stomach becomes a problem. Then I can or should I say used to tilt my hips enough to get off. Me grabbing her ass got me going so once I felt things were soon to be over, some ass squeezing and some rocking got me breathing heavy. Of course my W got up right away, wiped off and peed. She had some UTI that she wanted to avoid. It was too much work for her to even entertain the thought of an "O" for herself so that hasn't happened for a long time. Sometimes I wondered if the refusal to work towards an "O" was a way for her to keep me distant. Too many times she wanted things to be over, except for the foot and back rubs.
I will say, we started out hot and often but life got in the way after kid #2, a new house and me working more to pay for things in a decent neighborhood where most households had 2 incomes to my one income and a couple of part time jobs.
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Post by h on Oct 28, 2021 10:13:37 GMT -5
H Solo, I can lay down and relax, enjoy the physical sensations.I understand. In my case, my W is claustrophobic and has to be on top. I can play with her hair, rub her back and push up enough to keep hard and enjoy some good feelings. After a while her weight and my stomach becomes a problem. Then I can or should I say used to tilt my hips enough to get off. Me grabbing her ass got me going so once I felt things were soon to be over, some ass squeezing and some rocking got me breathing heavy. Of course my W got up right away, wiped off and peed. She had some UTI that she wanted to avoid. It was too much work for her to even entertain the thought of an "O" for herself so that hasn't happened for a long time. Sometimes I wondered if the refusal to work towards an "O" was a way for her to keep me distant. Too many times she wanted things to be over, except for the foot and back rubs.
I will say, we started out hot and often but life got in the way after kid #2, a new house and me working more to pay for things in a decent neighborhood where most households had 2 incomes to my one income and a couple of part time jobs.
We're the exact opposite. We tried with her on top exactly one time. She couldn't manage to figure out the correct angle or body position to allow for penetration without me slipping out frequently. After about 3 minutes, she concluded that she couldn't be on top ever again. As for orgasms, she always gets hers. Most often, I get her there manually before intercourse starts. I try not to finish her off before because I enjoy the feeling of being inside when she does, but she often finishes quickly with little stimulation. I do my best to stretch it out and make her last until the intercourse starts because she only ever wants one O. She's commented before that she doesn't understand how I can so easily get her to orgasm (even easier than she can by herself unless she has a vibrator). I think she feels bad about the fact that she can't do the same for me. She could if she wanted to put in the effort to learn but she doesn't try anything for very long before quitting if she's not immediately successful (hence the sexual menu getting pared down to missionary only). She won't even try to give me a handjob anymore because the last time she couldn't make me finish.
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Post by Handy on Oct 28, 2021 14:09:29 GMT -5
H I think she feels bad about the fact that she can't do the same for me. She could if she wanted to put in the effort to learn but she doesn't try anything for very long before quitting if she's not immediately successful (hence the sexual menu getting pared down to missionary only). She won't even try to give me a hand job anymore because the last time she couldn't make me finish.
My W has the same "Quit Early" if things take a long time. I see signs that my W get anxious with many things if they do not go to her liking. I also experiences my W quitting early with the hope of someone else doing the job. My W has the idea that things "should go a certain way' and if they don't then the process was designed wrong.
Even when I go grocery shopping and don't bring home an item she wanted, she goes on and on about what the store "should do." With shortages caused in part by the Covid pandemic, shortages at a store are part of life and I work around shortages.
Lets add up the signs. Quit early and hope the other person picks up the slack. My / their way is the only good method. Other people's opinion doesn't count for much. Entitled attitude. Early onset of frustration because something takes time. Taking a longer time than desired leads to thinking the process is going to crash. No interest in the event or process and high hopes of it ending early.
You can add more, based on your situation. Fear that if something does not happen fast or easy, the other person jumps to a conclusion that something is wrong
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 29, 2021 10:57:46 GMT -5
I was watching one of my traditional Halloween movies the other night, and before an approaching sex scene, I actually looked behind me to see if I was alone...out of habit. I paused the movie and thought about just how fucked that behavior was. In a normal, sexual relationship, you might get excited to watch a sex scene next to your mate...at the very least, your heart quickens for the right reason. When you're single, you get excited about a sex scene, and start sending signals to your bottle of Curel. When you're in a SM, your heart quickens for the wrong reason, and you try to nonchalantly fumble for the remote to change the channel, while awkwardly blurting out an explanation as to why you don't want to watch it anymore. It's really amazing how fucked so many things are in a SM.
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 1, 2021 4:38:45 GMT -5
I was watching one of my traditional Halloween movies the other night, and before an approaching sex scene, I actually looked behind me to see if I was alone...out of habit. I paused the movie and thought about just how fucked that behavior was. In a normal, sexual relationship, you might get excited to watch a sex scene next to your mate...at the very least, your heart quickens for the right reason. When you're single, you get excited about a sex scene, and start sending signals to your bottle of Curel. When you're in a SM, your heart quickens for the wrong reason, and you try to nonchalantly fumble for the remote to change the channel, while awkwardly blurting out an explanation as to why you don't want to watch it anymore. It's really amazing how fucked so many things are in a SM. I had visions of an edited DVD with nothing but lead ups to love scenes and the scene after, strung together. Every time your refuser walks in the room, within minutes, two people are snogging , or the top sheet is rising and lowering. In the middle of the subsequent scene, hit the "Next Chapter" button on the DVD player with your left hand while pretending to press "Channel up" on the TV remote with your right. Don't forget, April 1st is "Channel Surf With Your Refuser Day"
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Post by Handy on Nov 1, 2021 11:56:17 GMT -5
I had a printer and copier customer that rented DVD's and Tapes with all of the sex and violence scenes edited out of the movie. Was he in a SM, I don't know but his W super critical to sex scenes. She had some other peculiarities. I would classify the whole family as super religious.
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 1, 2021 18:21:15 GMT -5
I had a printer and copier customer that rented DVD's and Tapes with all of the sex and violence scenes edited out of the movie. Was he in a SM, I don't know but his W super critical to sex scenes. She had some other peculiarities. I would classify the whole family as super religious. With today's technology, it should be possible to make any movie G,PG,PG-13,R, and X all at once. The streaming service adds in or takes out parts to fit each rating. The Directors Cut would be the one originally intended.
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