optima
Junior Member
Posts: 35 
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Post by optima on Sept 23, 2021 7:37:12 GMT -5
I’ve posted a few times elsewhere with my story about a decade plus relationship that began when we were 19 and a decade plus marriage with young children: my wife began refusing ANY intimacy around Christmas of last year. COVID was difficult because we were both working and schools were closed. I thought we would get through these issues together. We went to therapy, our communication improved. Week after week, I listened to her and things seemed to improve. I felt it was a one way street. After six months there was no discussion or attempt to return to intimacy. I found myself deeply depressed, angry and feeling personally rejected. I was preoccupied with the fact that my wife did not physically desire me and I resorted to viewing porn daily but felt shame about it. I stopped sleeping in the bed. I raised the issue regularly. After exactly six months I demanded that the sex needed to be the priority and after listening and working on issues of concern to her, I wanted physical intimacy to be a priority. I brought it up with her daily at that point. Our communications rapidly deteriorated and rather than work on our issues my wife began an extramarital affair which is still continuing as best I can tell. Even discovering this I gave her every opportunity to recommit to monogamy, me, a resumption of physical intimacy and our marriage. She insisted that she was “attracted “ to me (a change in tone from earlier this year when she said our relationship “felt platonic”) but that “there was no spark”. I filed for divorce.
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Post by baza on Sept 23, 2021 8:00:10 GMT -5
The title of your thread - "The *Talk* can rapidly lead to divorce" - is very true.
That's why one needs to get ones ducks lined up before embarking on the *talk* .... because the talk can spin things off on some weird tangents and nasty surprises. One needs to be prepared for just about anything as a possible outcome.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 23, 2021 11:20:14 GMT -5
The Talk as baza says can go any which way, including nowhere. Numerous posters here (including me) have spoken at length about having umpteen discussions with their spouses regarding the lack of sex. For me it was the lack of intimacy in general as well as the missing sexual component. Perhaps in retrospect many of us talked too much and our spouses came to view these talks as just bumps in the road that could be paved over with a bit of reset sex or the passage of time. But like optima for some of us when we had had all those talks with no long term improvement, it finally becomes time to cash in our chips.
You are far more forgiving than me opptima, After all the therapy sessions and then learning she is having sex outside the marriage that would have done it for me, no more talking.
Good luck as you move toward separating yourself from a toxic relationship and begin your journey toward opposite land.
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Post by Handy on Sept 23, 2021 11:27:28 GMT -5
Optima
......and rather than work on our issues my wife began an extramarital affair which is still continuing as best I can tell.
I was thinking the affair started long before your communications deteriorated. The early stages of the affair process may have started even before Covid became a problem. Most people have a difficult time starting any relationships let alone it becoming an affair once Covid was an issue.
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 23, 2021 17:22:14 GMT -5
Sorry, Optima.
I'd have preferred she "see the light".
You were more than fair.
My college girlfriend and ex-fiancée both cheated on me. I took them back.
They were poor picks.
It may be that you're dodging a bullet by her declining your offer to finish her vows.
I hope you'll keep us up to date on how things go and where you decide to direct your life from here.
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