Shock and awe

What a painfully difficult situation to be in.

"is there a point at conveying negative emotions the refuser isn't interested in fixing?"

I am tired of playing the part of the loving, devoted husband, with zero intimacy of any sort The interview is to try and put the message across to caregivers what to expect, I saw no point in sugar-coating things at all. I want her to know how I feel, maybe that will help HER understand ME a bit better too.

I was interrupted during the previous post. To continue:

It is real important to take care of yourself as well as your wife. This was something that I failed to realize early on. Burnout is a real threat to a care giver. I finally recognized that getting my own needs met was just as important as taking care of my wife.

Meeting the need for affection can be difficult. Some of the creative people on this site have made excellent suggestions in the past. Here are a few ideas that I recall:

1. Adopting a loving pet.
2. Spending time with family such as your children or grandchildren.
3. Confiding in a close friend.
4. Scheduling an appointment with a massage therapist.
5. Finding a cuddle partner or going to a cuddle party if one is available in your area.

Unfortunately, none of the previous options will be the same as having a loving, intimate relationship with your wife. These options will not be as good, but some affection may be better than no affection.

Perhaps it would help for you to consider what your wife is thinking about. She is probably focused on her own problems. Facing serious health issues may lead her to not consider how the people around her are affected by her problems. This does not mean she doesn't care, it just means she may not have space in her mind for what others are experiencing currently. She may be overwhelmed contemplating her own future!

There are other options for finding affection. These would likely be much more damaging to your marriage if your wife discovers them on her own. On the other hand, if you discuss these options in advance, your wife may allow you to change the terms your marriage. For example:

1. Scheduling an appointment with a sex worker. Your wife may view this as a consumer transaction. In other words, you are paying to have your needs met. You are not falling in love with someone else, so your wife may not view this as a threat to your marriage. In some jurisdictions this is illegal, so look into that to avoid problems. Where I live, prostitution is illegal, but escorts are legal.

Paying for sex can become expensive. It may be that your wife would allow you to have sex with someone she does NOT view as a threat to your marriage. If you do some research, you may discover some possibilities. Just a few ideas: Someone considerably younger or older than yourself. Someone she trusts implicitly. Someone who is married and will never divorce. Someone who is disabled with physical or perhaps mental problems. Someone who is an SSBBW.

2. Online affairs.
3. Emotional affairs.
4. Physical affairs.

I don't have enough knowledge to comment on these three options. I've been told that emotional affairs are the most likely to be discovered though.

5. Some of the new sex dolls are quite realistic. These probably would not work for most guys, but they are an option.

Then there are the times that make you feel like a selfish prick. On Monday I decided to get on with building a new and improved firepit at the trailer using the old 20" truck rim supplied by the campground. I bought 24 specially designed, slightly pie shaped stones to surround the rim.
After carefully laying the first row of 8 around the rim I removed it and carried on building. Came time to insert the rim back into the circle and I found there were two tabs welded onto the bottom of the rim which made it not go in. "No problem," says I to myself, I will just pound those two tabs with the back of a (heavy) hatchet.
The first tab I got out the way after much sweating, started on the second one and wifey calls out, "Please be careful" and not two minutes later the hatchet glanced off the steel and bounced off, you guessed it, just above my foot.
Instantly there was blood all over the place I called out to my wife to please bring some paper towels :-)
Cut a long story short, wifey immediately 'sprang into action', hosed off the mess (at my request) to see what was going on. I had inflicted a lovely gash on my leg just above the ankle, definitely not fixable with a band-aid. She was all over it, getting a LARGE bandaid to cover it and no arguments, you're going to the ER. waited in the car for me till about 12pmand so on.
The point I am making in my usual convoluted fashion is that it's very obvious she cares A LOT for me and I feel like shit for thinking bad things. I don't know if I am making any sense though bt as I said it made me feel like a heel.

Sorry to hear of your altercation with the hatchet Brother catlover .

Last week my elderly neighbour had a fall in the backyard. I heard her yell out and I hurried over, looked like a dislocated shoulder. Bundled her into the car and drove her around to the hospital (not far fortunately) and waited around for her family to turn up.

Seemed to me the compassionate thing to do - and I figure that anyone in a similar situation would help.

Hope you are healing up Brother catlover .

Not that you do but caregivers fantasize about death. It's just a fantasy and quite normal. Not that this is you but my friend was talking about fantasies that bring guilt tonight. Not a bad idea to look up "caregiver's fantasy death" and just look at all the articles that you can relate to.

Her shock of your writing about intimacy/bed activities...
It's interesting how the refuser will just think sex is no big deal and since it is not a big deal because they have no drive/dead crotch syndrome- they just don't get why we could be so upset for trying to clean up the genital spider webs. They think that our pain is a gross exaggeration and since they can go without easily we should be just like them.

I think it literally has to be pointed out to them in bite sized chunks about the differences between drives.  And even still- he didn't understand the pain endured. Even if I got angry or distant he still didn't get it and rolled over and slept soundly within minutes. Huge denial and disconnect. I wrote to my husband so he would have it in front of him and was still in denial and thought we were not sexless because we had months ago, which turned into years. When he invalidated me during talks I knew he really didn't want to understand. It just wouldn't be to his advantage to have knowledge of the impact. In one ear and out the other. I was done with all the kind, unkept promises. He didn't want compromise. 

If you, like me, thrive on intimacy and physical affection, cessation of ‘bedroom activities,’ intimacy and physical affection leads to feelings of resentment, frustration and anger. It is really hard to accept that your marriage has changed to a patient-caregiver relationship as opposed to a romantic one.

Have her read this line, put away the paper and I bet she can't recite 50%  not because she does not care or love you, she just can't handle it. I wonder if their psyche can handle it. My therapist said there was a huge block and she didn't know what it was.