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Post by JMX on Mar 30, 2016 20:50:08 GMT -5
The condo my dad was going to buy, that was going to manageable for me on my own and the one I was going to have to move the H in for a period of time while we got out of debt fell through. The lender could not approve it because of an issue with the HOA that I did not foresee.
Now, just not sure what I am going to do at all. Taking the week to figure out a fifth exit plan. Yes. 5th in 3 months. Can't help but wonder why it has to be this way. There must be a reason it is so hard for me to get divorced?
Confused and discouraged. I'll get over it - just a vent.
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Post by DryCreek on Mar 30, 2016 21:30:54 GMT -5
The lender could not approve it because of an issue with the HOA that I did not foresee. Argh! That's got to be incredibly frustrating to discover so late in the process. Was it a funky CC&R rule that got in the way, or did it turn out that the HOA was unstable (or had a lien on the condo)? But... changing households and then letting your STBX move into the new place? I get the financial motive, but he hardly seems to deserve the favor. And it seems to be setting you up for a whole new cycle of prying him out of your life. I'm sure you've already debated this to death internally. Man, the extreme measures a sexless marriage will lead us to take... |
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Post by JMX on Mar 30, 2016 21:43:29 GMT -5
That's got to be incredibly frustrating to discover so late in the process. Was it a funky CC&R rule that got in the way, or did it turn out that the HOA was unstable (or had a lien on the condo)?
But... changing households and then letting your STBX move into the new place? I get the financial motive, but he hardly seems to deserve the favor. And it seems to be setting you up for a whole new cycle of prying him out of your life.
I'm sure you've already debated this to death internally. Man, the extreme measures a sexless marriage will lead us to take...
***Weird quoting on the phone - sorry if this looks screwy.
Lender won't approve it if one person owns more than 10% of the condos. Surprisingly enough, I checked this before contract and the C&R says one cannot own more than two. This person owns 18.5 of the 64. So, either they don't actually check these things, or there is an amendment somewhere that was not passed on to me. Fun times.
The financial mess that is what we are dealing with is not one that can be divided without the potential for repercussions - ie - if he doesn't pay, I am fully on the hook. It's IRS. It's not insurmountable, but it will take some time. I was not thrilled about moving him in either. Now, looks like I cannot really sell the house either. Nothing is adding up or making sense right now. The hardest part is - we are getting along right now too and I am seeing my resolve slipping a bit. It's still there but I am going back to softening and it is driving me crazy.
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Post by unmatched on Mar 30, 2016 21:53:34 GMT -5
The condo my dad was going to buy, that was going to manageable for me on my own and the one I was going to have to move the H in for a period of time while we got out of debt fell through. The lender could not approve it because of an issue with the HOA that I did not foresee. Now, just not sure what I am going to do at all. Taking the week to figure out a fifth exit plan. Yes. 5th in 3 months. Can't help but wonder why it has to be this way. There must be a reason it is so hard for me to get divorced? Confused and discouraged. I'll get over it - just a vent. That is so annoying, and just adds more and more time that you really don't need. But you will find another one, maybe even a better one. Just don't start thinking this is life trying to tell you not to get divorced - I am fairly sure it doesn't work that way. What does your H think about the condo falling through? What is his new strategy for sorting this out? |
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Post by JMX on Mar 30, 2016 22:00:16 GMT -5
Unmatched - he does not have a strategy either. Right now, we have discussed staying in the house and I need to get a more stable job (mine is commission and everything I have touched lately has turned to shit). Once that is in place, we can make short work of it. But I still think he thinks our issues are money only. I think he thinks that when that is over we will get back together. I haven't said overtly "no" because I need him cheerfully on board while we work this out.
We've already been to a financial planner and April beings therapy - for communication issues. I am not sure I want to go down any road in therapy that encourages us to stay together, so I am working through it to figure out how to play it.
So many moving parts and then appendages getting stuck in said moving parts.
I haven't done this much thinking EVER.
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Post by Dan on Mar 30, 2016 22:07:59 GMT -5
So many moving parts and then appendages getting stuck in said moving parts. Except the one "appendage" of his that you would have LIKED to gets stuck in one of your parts... (At least at some point in the past!) |
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Post by JMX on Mar 30, 2016 22:09:31 GMT -5
Yes!!
This is what is making me angry. Now I have to linger longer to figure this out and all I keep thinking is - all you had to do was have sex with me and talk to me every once in awhile. You know, be a normal person. It's complicated for no reason at all.
It just seems so unfair that I have to stay longer and suffer even longer - until I think about people with less and then I am ashamed of myself :/
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Post by unmatched on Mar 30, 2016 22:10:52 GMT -5
So many moving parts and then appendages getting stuck in said moving parts. Except the one "appendage" of his that you would have LIKED to gets stuck in one of your parts... (At least at some point in the past!) Yeah, I think at this point she should just stick it in a blender and move on... |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2016 22:11:15 GMT -5
Damn! I'm sorry this has happened.
But like DryCreek said - please don't take it as some kind of sign from the universe that you're meant to stay with him. The universe would not fuck you over like that. (If it tries, I will kick it in the nads, ha ha.)
Maybe something even better is headed your way. Like, some option that would allow you and your STBX to live separately.
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Post by unmatched on Mar 30, 2016 22:14:23 GMT -5
Unmatched - he does not have a strategy either. Right now, we have discussed staying in the house and I need to get a more stable job (mine is commission and everything I have touched lately has turned to shit). Once that is in place, we can make short work of it. But I still think he thinks our issues are money only. I think he thinks that when that is over we will get back together. I haven't said overtly "no" because I need him cheerfully on board while we work this out. We've already been to a financial planner and April beings therapy - for communication issues. I am not sure I want to go down any road in therapy that encourages us to stay together, so I am working through it to figure out how to play it. So many moving parts and then appendages getting stuck in said moving parts. I haven't done this much thinking EVER. I figured you would say that! How about he gets himself a decent, regular job and sells his fancy truck? How did you end up going to therapy - was that an idea he managed to come up with by himself? |
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Post by JMX on Mar 30, 2016 22:45:34 GMT -5
Therapy was the divorce attorney's idea as well as a financial planner. 3rd party to get him to do things to help rather than hinder.
She had a Jerry McGuire moment and tried to talk me out of getting divorced. She gave me her "mission statement" and it seemed as if she had just had the epiphany while I was in her office - Lolz. Of course, this is just my luck.
Financial planner also did a number on me for the same reason.
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Post by unmatched on Mar 30, 2016 23:06:54 GMT -5
It is funny how big the social taboo is against talking about sex. You can talk to somebody about your marriage falling apart, and splitting up all your assets (or liabilities) and your kids, and they can 'see' how much love there still is and think you should stay together, and somehow it is still impossible to say 'I am divorcing him because he refuses to fuck me.' I am sure millions of people stay miserable for years because they are not 'allowed' to talk about their sex lives or consider them to be important.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Mar 30, 2016 23:32:51 GMT -5
A song was once sang that said " I get knocked down but i get up again you aren't never going to keep me down".
This applies to you too.
Dont let this set back depress you too much.
Stay Strong & Good Luck
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Post by JMX on Mar 31, 2016 8:24:35 GMT -5
It is funny how big the social taboo is against talking about sex. You can talk to somebody about your marriage falling apart, and splitting up all your assets (or liabilities) and your kids, and they can 'see' how much love there still is and think you should stay together, and somehow it is still impossible to say 'I am divorcing him because he refuses to fuck me.' I am sure millions of people stay miserable for years because they are not 'allowed' to talk about their sex lives or consider them to be important. What's funny is - I never have a problem saying this to anyone, much less a counselor and even in front of husband. I tell everyone. Should be interesting when we are both in the counselling session together. Of course, the real issue is lack of communication or care or understanding on his part - sex is just the symptom. |
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Post by Dan on Mar 31, 2016 8:31:56 GMT -5
A song was once sang that said " I get knocked down but i get up again you aren't never going to keep me down". Your new theme song! Courtesy Frustrated1978 and yours truly... |
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