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Post by catlover on Mar 1, 2021 11:44:44 GMT -5
I am having a real hard time controlling my resentment and anger the last couple days. Been trying to make a plan to see my 'regular' pay for play lady, but shit keeps on getting on the way. The dear wifey makes plans and then tells me about it after arrangements are complete.
How does love turn to hate so easily?
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 1, 2021 18:19:51 GMT -5
I am having a real hard time controlling my resentment and anger the last couple days. Been trying to make a plan to see my 'regular' pay for play lady, but shit keeps on getting on the way. The dear wifey makes plans and then tells me about it after arrangements are complete. How does love turn to hate so easily? I resented my wife for being my jailer. After I tried dating and found I was in demand, I was staying with her voluntarily, I would get sex elsewhere, and love her in any way she pleased. My resentment went away. Perhaps you feel trapped. Some are trapped for fear of losing half of everything. I was ready to do just that. If she pulled the trigger of divorce it was truly because the only way we'd remain married was if she was going to retain her role as my warden and keep me celibate against my will. I told her I was going to stop being celibate and apparently it was a bluff I called because to keep me from sex with other women, she started to initiate. (In large part due to her therapist, I think, who may have told her she was nuts to let me go.) Something I later saw pointed out by ILIASM members is that any woman I might pair up with after divorcing is likely to have half from her previous marriage. Even assuming she wasn't as prosperous, I might lose 25% or so. If the new lady had married up, I might be GAINING financial comfort. It made my plans to let the cards fall where they may seem all the wiser in hindsight. Perhaps your resentment is like mine was. You feel trapped. Forced into celibacy. Your plan to pay for sex sounds as though it is to be hidden. Perhaps the resentment remains because you feel as though you are forced to slink in the shadows in order to correct the wrong she has done you. Maybe you feel shamed unjustly for wishing intimacy when the woman who promised to forsake all others, broke her vow and instead forsook all. Might it help if you resolved to refuse to be ashamed for what she's doing to you? That can understandably fry one's hide. To suffer, unnecessarily, and be shamed for putting a stop to it. Do any of these ring true? |
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Post by baza on Mar 1, 2021 19:20:46 GMT -5
Brother catlover . Have just been looking at your posts thus far, to put this particular post in context. Anger and resentment are poison in a relationship, and unfortunately both are often present in ILIASM situations. In your posts thus far, counselling gets mentioned once (where your missus isn't interested in any joint counselling) Maybe a case can be made for you to have some individual counselling to help you develop some strategies and coping mechanisms to assist you through this situation, and hopefully manage the anger and resentment levels. |
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Post by catlover on Mar 1, 2021 19:34:47 GMT -5
I am having a real hard time controlling my resentment and anger the last couple days. Been trying to make a plan to see my 'regular' pay for play lady, but shit keeps on getting on the way. The dear wifey makes plans and then tells me about it after arrangements are complete. How does love turn to hate so easily? I resented my wife for being my jailer. After I tried dating and found I was in demand, I was staying with her voluntarily, I would get sex elsewhere, and love her in any way she pleased. My resentment went away. Perhaps you feel trapped. Some are trapped for fear of losing half of everything. I was ready to do just that. If she pulled the trigger of divorce it was truly because the only way we'd remain married was if she was going to retain her role as my warden and keep me celibate against my will. I told her I was going to stop being celibate and apparently it was a bluff I called because to keep me from sex with other women, she started to initiate. (In large part due to her therapist, I think, who may have told her she was nuts to let me go.) Something I later saw pointed out by ILIASM members is that any woman I might pair up with after divorcing is likely to have half from her previous marriage. Even assuming she wasn't as prosperous, I might lose 25% or so. If the new lady had married up, I might be GAINING financial comfort. It made my plans to let the cards fall where they may seem all the wiser in hindsight. Perhaps your resentment is like mine was. You feel trapped. Forced into celibacy. Your plan to pay for sex sounds as though it is to be hidden. Perhaps the resentment remains because you feel as though you are forced to slink in the shadows in order to correct the wrong she has done you. Maybe you feel shamed unjustly for wishing intimacy when the woman who promised to forsake all others, broke her vow and instead forsook all. Might it help if you resolved to refuse to be ashamed for what she's doing to you? That can understandably fry one's hide. To suffer, unnecessarily, and be shamed for putting a stop to it. Do any of these ring true? Yup, bang on the nail",trapped" is a great description. As I've mentioned before, because of her health, separation and/or divorce would be reprehensible to me, so pay for play remains the option perhaps most attractive right now. Yes, I hate having to "slink" around. I resent the illness she has, alth0ugh our sex life has been non existent for at least the 8 - 10 years before her diagnosis. Just venting here does make it easier, thanks for listening, all and for the many sound words of advice |
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Post by catlover on Mar 1, 2021 19:37:24 GMT -5
The really ironic part is that the combination opf meds I am on at ths time has effectively killed my libido but not my longing for female touch
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Post by saarinista on Mar 2, 2021 11:01:04 GMT -5
Question for catlover : what does "pay for play" mean? |
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Post by catlover on Mar 2, 2021 12:31:13 GMT -5
Question for catlover : what does "pay for play" mean? Pay for Play - Using the services of a sex worker |
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Post by saarinista on Mar 2, 2021 13:31:15 GMT -5
Okay that's exactly what it sounds like. Thought it was a euphemism.
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Post by petrushka on Mar 2, 2021 14:43:49 GMT -5
Okay that's exactly what it sounds like. Thought it was a euphemism. it IS a euphemism  -- you thought right. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 1, 2023 18:21:22 GMT -5
From the podcast "Hope for Wives" hopeforwives.com/episode-23-how-to-navigate-anger-responsibly/I liked this breakdown of the types of anger. "Stephanie Carnes talks about distinguishing anger from other emotion. If I can just quote her, she's some bullet points here, she says, "Anger is an emotional state that can range in intensity from mild irritation to extreme rage. Aggression is a behavior. Hostility is a set of attitudes and judge. That might motivate aggressive behaviors. Rage is the strongest form of anger. Very physical, very threatening, including possible lack of control. Fear and shame are often the roots of rage," she said. "Resentment is a process in which anger is stored. Hatred is the end product. Of unresolved resentment, frozen anger that resulted in intense and unchanging dislike of another person." |
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Post by aquacat on Nov 1, 2023 23:12:00 GMT -5
I’m fighting this tonight hard. My wife decided to schedule intimate time and even has it on a reminder a few times a week. So far in the month or so of doing this we’ve had sex twice and it’s the usual starfish. I bring it up tonight and she told me thats why she went to lay down in bed. Mind you she does this every night and gets on her phone, just like she did tonight. She also told me she was tired earlier in the evening which means it isn’t happening. When she told me that about that’s why she went to lay down I asked her why do I always have to be the one to initiate when I know she turns me down. I asked her why can’t she roll over and start rubbing on me or kissing me. Her reply was that’s not who she is or is in her mindset to do. She’s a gatekeeper and always has been.
It has taken me over an hour to calm down from my emotions of feeling so much resentment towards her.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 2, 2023 4:20:29 GMT -5
It's not possible to make someone want to have sex, but, it is possible to induce a certain level of stress in a refuser that may make them want to have sex and possibly even enjoy it, although the effects wear off quickly. The searchable term is "hysterical bonding." This, of course, can backfire, but at least it moves a stuck needle.
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-- you thought right.
