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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2021 12:45:47 GMT -5
Our conversation in my favorite form, bullet points:
-Age, funny that I hadn't given that any thought at all. If I ever left the marriage it would be because I was thoroughly comfortable with no marriage. If a relationship came my way that would be a bonus. I just can't see dating anyone much different in age than myself by more than a handful of years. The Smiths wouldn't be my deal killer but if they don't know at least a couple tunes by Simple Minds and the lines from some John Hughes movies we won't be able to communicate. Star Trek knowledge is a plus.
-I'm less despondent today. There are just times when things feel a little hopeless.
-My real issue is that because my wife and I just have a cordial chores, logistics and money relationship it's just not enough sometimes. She's so stressed out about retirement and politics that I swear she's in some adrenaline-fueled panic 70% of the time. "We have to finish the yard landscaping because we have to be able to sell at a moments notice when society collapses" kind of stuff. Keep in mind this is a brand new house that has been completed for less than 3-months.
-I need to figure out a way to distance myself from the panic and do my own thing but she has a remarkable ability to make it about "we can't be lazy", "getting things done so we can do something recreational later" but the "later" never comes. How on earth do I do that without a split? I'm not seeing any answers on that front.
I suggested yesterday that we both take today off, the weather is lovely, and just do something other than work or work on the house. I got a lecture on how we need to "get everything done on the house asap" because the economy is going to collapse and we'll need to sell the house and on and on. Argh, I'm empathic for how she feels but I just want want to be part of that any more. Probably not a good sign when what you want from your marriage used to be "it's all good but sex would be nice" and now its "God, could I be left alone for a day or two".
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2021 12:50:30 GMT -5
I'm a stayer. I turned 54 a couple weeks ago and am feeling like it's just done. ... My kids are all, thankfully, launched into their lives as 20-somethings and don't really need their old man anymore so that's done. My W barely tolerates my presence unless I'm engaged in some chore so that part of marriage is done. A sex life, or holding hands or a hug or a kiss or a pat on the shoulder...it's been years so that's done. I have a few good friends but we're all far apart these days and everyone always seems too busy to do anything. Done. Done. Done. Based on family history, the men in my family all make it to 75-76. I've got 20years left. I feel like I'm starting over only with huge amounts of baggage (like Jacob Marley-it's a ponderous chain). How do you start over? are you a stayer? Honor of keeping the vow? Religious? Family/friend/society disapproval? Starting over can't really happen while keeping your wife. You can change your life around, even dramatically, but it's not starting over. (Both are reasonable strategies. Not judging.) What do you wish your life was? You won't go anywhere until you pick a destination. Even if you get lost on the way, you need to want to be somewhere else. Super simple. The things you list aren't remotely on my radar, I couldn't care less about them. My only reason any more is that I don't want to nuke my family. Yes, the kids are all out of the house (we have three 21-25 in age) and doing well but we're still a family. We do things together, have a family group chat, even thought we moved our home is the home base. If I leave then, "boom". What do I wish my life was? As the saying goes, here's the rub. I would keep almost everything about it, except the relationship dynamic I currently have with my W. Her needs are winning over mine 90% of the time. |
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Post by saarinista on Feb 4, 2021 12:51:20 GMT -5
If society collapses, one of the LAST things people will be wanting to do is buy new houses, with or without primo landscaping. 🤔😏
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Post by saarinista on Feb 4, 2021 12:57:17 GMT -5
Why are you a stayer? Honor of keeping the vow? Religious? Family/friend/society disapproval? Starting over can't really happen while keeping your wife. You can change your life around, even dramatically, but it's not starting over. (Both are reasonable strategies. Not judging.) What do you wish your life was? You won't go anywhere until you pick a destination. Even if you get lost on the way, you need to want to be somewhere else. Super simple. The things you list aren't remotely on my radar, I couldn't care less about them. My only reason any more is that I don't want to nuke my family. Yes, the kids are all out of the house (we have three 21-25 in age) and doing well but we're still a family. We do things together, have a family group chat, even thought we moved our home is the home base. If I leave then, "boom". What do I wish my life was? As the saying goes, here's the rub. I would keep almost everything about it, except the relationship dynamic I currently have with my W. Her needs are winning over mine 90% of the time. Do you LIKE your wife, @tooyoungtobeold2? Or are you just there because your kids would stop talking with you on FaceTime if you got honest about what your relationship with your wife is (i.e ., not your idea of a marriage) and left? I think people can leave a marriage but still be on good terms with children and exes. Alas, not everyone sees it that way which is a real pity. You might end up having to chose whether to a.) live a lie or b.) leave and make the kiddos angry. |
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 4, 2021 13:44:25 GMT -5
gladifound this said: "(Middle aged 'never-been-married' men tend to be single for good reason, and are avoided by females.
A lot of the more eligible middle aged men try to date women 15yrs younger, which means there's a large pool of over 40's with few men to choose from.....)"
True that some middle aged, never married men are single for good reason. However, don't overlook the middle and older men who have never married but did spend years in relationships, even living with women. My post SM partner is 68 and has never been married but before me had lived romantically with several women, including for up to 7 years. He was for me, perfect: independent enough to cook and clean for himself and maintain interests and a social life. Loved and liked women enough to be a wonderful partner. Very different from men who after divorce are desperate for partner because they don't know how to take care of themselves.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2021 18:06:45 GMT -5
Super simple. The things you list aren't remotely on my radar, I couldn't care less about them. My only reason any more is that I don't want to nuke my family. Yes, the kids are all out of the house (we have three 21-25 in age) and doing well but we're still a family. We do things together, have a family group chat, even thought we moved our home is the home base. If I leave then, "boom". What do I wish my life was? As the saying goes, here's the rub. I would keep almost everything about it, except the relationship dynamic I currently have with my W. Her needs are winning over mine 90% of the time. Do you LIKE your wife, @tooyoungtobeold2 ? Or are you just there because your kids would stop talking with you on FaceTime if you got honest about what your relationship with your wife is (i.e ., not your idea of a marriage) and left? I think people can leave a marriage but still be on good terms with children and exes. Alas, not everyone sees it that way which is a real pity. You might end up having to chose whether to a.) live a lie or b.) leave and make the kiddos angry. I don't think the kids would be angry. It would just be the end of our family as I've defined it and that seems like a big deal to me. My wife is from a very combative family so a contentious split would very likely be in order not from me but from her. Her love language is money. Not gifts but security. We're OK but our retirement account is too small and needs some shoring up, that worries her a lot. We have a plan and it will be fine but this "the US is going to fall apart" has added a new level of intensity. Her father was/is an abusive sob but the family finances worked out so the whole family defines love as, "....but Dad was a good provider." He was, still is, a shit but there's money in the bank. To answer your question, Yes I do like my wife. It's fair to say that how refusing partners are portrayed here is one side of the story. I don't share the good things just the frustrations from my perspective. When she's worried, she's intense and she doesn't have a calming mechanism, she just stays at 100% worry. That's not a good look on anybody so when she's like that, I would prefer not to be around her. When she isn't like that, I like her. |
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Post by Handy on Feb 4, 2021 18:58:59 GMT -5
Tooyoungtobeold
"the US is going to fall apart" What specifically does your W see as the US is falling apart? My outlook is, maybe inflation is going to eat up some gains in the economy. Maybe the government is putting us into too much debt but they effectively print money so could "stimulus" the US from one problem to another problem and put off the problem for a while. Some people are getting richer and some people are getting poorer. That is something that bothers me. To me, it looks like the economy will improve once there are enough people vaccinated (herd immunity) so we can all go out, do things and spend money The only situation that I can see working for your W is finish the house projects and sell right away. If she plans on living in the new house until after the bottom drops out of the housing market, then the house price will go down and you might as well stay in the house until house prices go up again. Just so you know, my W thinks the current administration is going to ruin the country, so what did I do? First I ignored most of what she said. I bought some stocks when they went down. I bought shares of companies that had earnings in down years. Yes some shares went down but more went up so I am ahead of the game and I get some dividends, which is way more money than I got in interest on my savings account.
What I did many years ago when my W was all panicky, was to put some stocks in her name so she had some "skin in the game." Now she thinks a little along the lines of how I do and she wants to see "HER" investment grow. Transferring things into her name fixed some of her perspective on the future.
I am looking for modest gains in the future economy. No need to panic is my opinion.
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 5, 2021 7:10:52 GMT -5
Tooyoungtobeold
"the US is going to fall apart" What specifically does your W see as the US is falling apart? My outlook is, maybe inflation is going to eat up some gains in the economy. Maybe the government is putting us into too much debt but they effectively print money so could "stimulus" the US from one problem to another problem and put off the problem for a while. Some people are getting richer and some people are getting poorer. That is something that bothers me. At the risk of a tangent, (We may hash this out in the Economics post of the Off-Topic thread) I like to point out to people that the Fed has capped inflation at 2% while the much-praised economies of both Presidents Reagan and Clinton commonly had inflation rates above 3%. I lived through both. No one was complaining about inflation at the time. Lots to discuss, but maybe not here. |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 7, 2021 14:03:02 GMT -5
baza,yes I was in my mid 40's when I started getting my shit together. I'm not done and if I am doing it right, I'll never be "done." As for the age difference issue, I didn't have music criteria, but the lady did have to know who the A-Team is. Didn't have to enjoy the show, mind you, but did have to know what it was. No woman 15 years younger than I would likely pass that test.
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 9, 2021 5:27:21 GMT -5
baza ,yes I was in my mid 40's when I started getting my shit together. I'm not done and if I am doing it right, I'll never be "done." As for the age difference issue, I didn't have music criteria, but the lady did have to know who the A-Team is. Didn't have to enjoy the show, mind you, but did have to know what it was. No woman 15 years younger than I would likely pass that test. Ask them who "Steve Austin" is. If they say "a wrestler", hand them a lollipop, pat them on the head, and send them away. Unless... you don't think Steve Austin is a wrestler do you, sonnyboy? |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 10, 2021 16:23:18 GMT -5
baza ,yes I was in my mid 40's when I started getting my shit together. I'm not done and if I am doing it right, I'll never be "done." As for the age difference issue, I didn't have music criteria, but the lady did have to know who the A-Team is. Didn't have to enjoy the show, mind you, but did have to know what it was. No woman 15 years younger than I would likely pass that test. Ask them who "Steve Austin" is. If they say "a wrestler", hand them a lollipop, pat them on the head, and send them away. Unless... you don't think Steve Austin is a wrestler do you, sonnyboy? You cannot rebuild someone like that. We simply don't have the technology. |
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Post by solitarysoul on Feb 11, 2021 12:55:24 GMT -5
Done. Done. Done. Done..... nothing wrong with that... regardless of what this board says. I too am done. I failed when i tried. I wasn't like or wanted when i was younger, in better shape, and had a real future. Now i have none of those and i am so wanting to just be done. Let me be. She lives on her side, i live on my side. I have never been desired or wanted and it wont happen now. Sometimes its just nice to be over that and be done.... (Nothing in ILIASM says you cant be done, and figuring out what to do with the rest of your life... it just means for me, like the rest of my life, i am in the minority... once you cross the line of being done, a weight lifts....)
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Post by isthisit on Feb 11, 2021 13:59:31 GMT -5
does he know all the words to “this charming man”? If not, I move on. 😊 What is a “pantry boy” anyway? 😏 I’ve wondered for years.... I imagine only Morrisey knows. So, did you forget all about that country stuff you previously preferred? 😉 |
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Post by snowman12345 on Feb 11, 2021 19:35:39 GMT -5
You, me, all of us get to "start over" every day Brother @tooyoungtobeold2 . If you keep making the same choices today as you made yesterday, then your outcomes tomorrow are going to be pretty similar. For example, if you have been making choices based on fact, and with your longer term best interests in mind, then you would currently be travelling pretty well. But if you have been making choices based on fear, on a short term basis to just hang on, then you probably are not travelling too well at the moment. You CAN "start over", anyone can. But it is hard, very hard, to do. And there is very little instant gratification to be had in the process - very little immediate pay off. Sorting out your own shit is a long term thing. If you are going to have a crack at it, then the sooner you (me, anyone) start, the better. Sister northstarmom started at 61 . I think Brother shamwow was in his mid 40's. Sister @elle was (I think) late 30's. Earlier you start the better. The clock is running. You would be wise to listen to this man. EVERY DAY is a restart. Chose a path and take it. It is your life - you have to "not give a fuck" and let your conscience be your guide. Good luck to you and I hope you find peace. |
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