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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2021 17:58:29 GMT -5
I'm a stayer. I turned 54 a couple weeks ago and am feeling like it's just done. I'm employed and reached my peak career a few years ago, I did fine but that's done. My kids are all, thankfully, launched into their lives as 20-somethings and don't really need their old man anymore so that's done. My W barely tolerates my presence unless i'm engaged in some chore so that part of marriage is done. A sex life, or holding hands or a hug or a kiss or a pat on the shoulder...it's been years so that's done. I have a few good friends but we're all far apart these days and everyone always seems too busy to do anything. Done. Done. Done.
Based on family history, the men in my family all make it to 75-76. I've got 20years left. I feel like I'm starting over only with huge amounts of baggage (like Jacob Marley-it's a ponderous chain).
How do you start over?
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 2, 2021 20:24:31 GMT -5
Started over 8 years ago at 61 after being married for 34 years. Was in therapy for several years getting myself mentally back on track before I decided to divorce. In the years before divorcing, I built my own friendships and activities without involving my spouse. I'd go to the theater, have dinner with friends, invite friends over for lunch, go to religious services on my own, took a variety of classes and joined clubs that interested me. By the time I divorced, I was comfortable living as a single. The transition was easy -- because I had done all of the work to live without my husband. I did find a partner surprisingly quickly, but that was a big surprise as I was prepared to live the rest of my life as a very happy single. Unless you believe you'd be happier single forever than remaining married, stay.
PS: To me, 54 is young. I didn't feel over the hill at 54. I don't feel over the hill at 69.
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Post by baza on Feb 3, 2021 5:48:46 GMT -5
You, me, all of us get to "start over" every day Brother @tooyoungtobeold2 . If you keep making the same choices today as you made yesterday, then your outcomes tomorrow are going to be pretty similar. For example, if you have been making choices based on fact, and with your longer term best interests in mind, then you would currently be travelling pretty well. But if you have been making choices based on fear, on a short term basis to just hang on, then you probably are not travelling too well at the moment. You CAN "start over", anyone can. But it is hard, very hard, to do. And there is very little instant gratification to be had in the process - very little immediate pay off. Sorting out your own shit is a long term thing. If you are going to have a crack at it, then the sooner you (me, anyone) start, the better. Sister northstarmom started at 61 . I think Brother shamwow was in his mid 40's. Sister @elle was (I think) late 30's. Earlier you start the better. The clock is running. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 3, 2021 5:48:58 GMT -5
I'm a stayer. I turned 54 a couple weeks ago and am feeling like it's just done. ... My kids are all, thankfully, launched into their lives as 20-somethings and don't really need their old man anymore so that's done. My W barely tolerates my presence unless I'm engaged in some chore so that part of marriage is done. A sex life, or holding hands or a hug or a kiss or a pat on the shoulder...it's been years so that's done. I have a few good friends but we're all far apart these days and everyone always seems too busy to do anything. Done. Done. Done. Based on family history, the men in my family all make it to 75-76. I've got 20years left. I feel like I'm starting over only with huge amounts of baggage (like Jacob Marley-it's a ponderous chain). How do you start over? are you a stayer? Honor of keeping the vow? Religious? Family/friend/society disapproval? Starting over can't really happen while keeping your wife. You can change your life around, even dramatically, but it's not starting over. (Both are reasonable strategies. Not judging.) What do you wish your life was? You won't go anywhere until you pick a destination. Even if you get lost on the way, you need to want to be somewhere else. |
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Post by gladifoundthisforum on Feb 3, 2021 7:41:04 GMT -5
From a (slightly lecherous) female point of view:
If you eventually leave and you DO want female company, you'll be snapped up. Never think you can't attract another partner (who will hopefully be a better 'match')
Solvent (by which I mean non-bankrupt, not super-rich!) single men of your age (without young children) are much sought-after by females (well they are in the UK)
Sought-after, that is, if you are prepared to date the over-40's.......
(Middle aged 'never-been-married' men tend to be single for good reason, and are avoided by females.
A lot of the more eligible middle aged men try to date women 15yrs younger, which means there's a large pool of over 40's with few men to choose from.....)
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2021 15:50:42 GMT -5
From a (slightly lecherous) female point of view: If you eventually leave and you DO want female company, you'll be snapped up. Never think you can't attract another partner (who will hopefully be a better 'match') Solvent (by which I mean non-bankrupt, not super-rich!) single men of your age (without young children) are much sought-after by females (well they are in the UK) Sought-after, that is, if you are prepared to date the over-40's....... (Middle aged 'never-been-married' men tend to be single for good reason, and are avoided by females. A lot of the more eligible middle aged men try to date women 15yrs younger, which means there's a large pool of over 40's with few men to choose from.....) Anywhere specific in the UK? : ) |
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Post by saarinista on Feb 3, 2021 17:45:44 GMT -5
From a (slightly lecherous) female point of view: If you eventually leave and you DO want female company, you'll be snapped up. Never think you can't attract another partner (who will hopefully be a better 'match') Solvent (by which I mean non-bankrupt, not super-rich!) single men of your age (without young children) are much sought-after by females (well they are in the UK) Sought-after, that is, if you are prepared to date the over-40's....... (Middle aged 'never-been-married' men tend to be single for good reason, and are avoided by females. A lot of the more eligible middle aged men try to date women 15yrs younger, which means there's a large pool of over 40's with few men to choose from.....) This. I'm a 60 year old woman in the US. The number of men out there that I'd be interested in dating is tiny. Very few men want a woman who is older than they are. Many men won't even divorce anyway because they are afraid of losing money. There just are not many available men, compared to women. So, @tooyoungtobeold2, if you decide to leave you should have a large pool of great women to choose from. |
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Post by isthisit on Feb 3, 2021 18:28:47 GMT -5
From a (slightly lecherous) female point of view: If you eventually leave and you DO want female company, you'll be snapped up. Never think you can't attract another partner (who will hopefully be a better 'match') Solvent (by which I mean non-bankrupt, not super-rich!) single men of your age (without young children) are much sought-after by females (well they are in the UK) Sought-after, that is, if you are prepared to date the over-40's....... (Middle aged 'never-been-married' men tend to be single for good reason, and are avoided by females. A lot of the more eligible middle aged men try to date women 15yrs younger, which means there's a large pool of over 40's with few men to choose from.....) This. I'm a 60 year old woman in the US. The number of men out there that I'd be interested in dating is tiny. Very few men want a woman who is older than they are. Many men won't even divorce anyway because they are afraid of losing money. There just are not many available men, compared to women. So, @tooyoungtobeold2 , if you decide to leave you should have a large pool of great women to choose from. It’s a little different here. No alimony anywhere in the four nations, and very few, if any women I know have used their uterus and then claimed to be unable to work as a result for twenty or thirty years. So much less scope for men to be financially rinsed as it seems to be in some states. Can we clear up this age thing? I would have zero interest in a man 15 years younger or older than me. I couldn’t stand their taste in music for a start. My criteria for assessment starts with does he know all the words to “this charming man”? If not, I move on. 😊 I agree about the middle aged guy with no relationship history though... nooooooo thanks. |
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Post by Handy on Feb 3, 2021 21:12:30 GMT -5
Isthisit
I would have zero interest in a man 15 years younger or older than me. I guess that leaves me out at 106 yrs old. Unless you are 91?  but I doubt you are 91 yrs of age. Point 2, I never heard of “This Charming Man” before but I did look it up and listened to it. I forgot how many na, na, nas are in it but I like the bicycle item. Now if you would have said Queen, "We Are the Champions" I might be able to sing/lip-sink that song.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 4, 2021 8:35:30 GMT -5
Isthisit
I would have zero interest in a man 15 years younger or older than me. I guess that leaves me out at 106 yrs old. Unless you are 91? but I doubt you are 91 yrs of age. Point 2, I never heard of “This Charming Man” before but I did look it up and listened to it. I forgot how many na, na, nas are in it but I like the bicycle item. Now if you would have said Queen, "We Are the Champions" I might be able to sing/lip-sink that song. I never heard of it either so I "Googled" it, a version by The Smiths came up. It was unintelligible for me. If this is a "deal breaker" criteria for Isthisit I fear she will be in for a very long wait. |
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Post by gladifoundthisforum on Feb 4, 2021 10:39:34 GMT -5
Oh, The Smiths have form in 'cheerful' music........ another favourite is 'girlfriend in a coma' :-)))
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Post by Handy on Feb 4, 2021 11:35:55 GMT -5
Girlfriend in a Coma" and “This Charming Man” both have a "background beat" that can be played loud so a person can 'grove to the rhythm.'
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Post by isthisit on Feb 4, 2021 11:58:54 GMT -5
Isthisit
I would have zero interest in a man 15 years younger or older than me. I guess that leaves me out at 106 yrs old. Unless you are 91? but I doubt you are 91 yrs of age. Point 2, I never heard of “This Charming Man” before but I did look it up and listened to it. I forgot how many na, na, nas are in it but I like the bicycle item. Now if you would have said Queen, "We Are the Champions" I might be able to sing/lip-sink that song. I never heard of it either so I "Googled" it, a version by The Smiths came up. It was unintelligible for me. If this is a "deal breaker" criteria for Isthisit I fear she will be in for a very long wait. Perhaps you lovely gentlemen are not the demographic I am looking for, and have tested my exclusion criteria nicely 😁. It’s a short cut for someone of my generation and geography, as The Smiths were and remain very popular in my neck of the woods, but not everyone’s taste for sure. My sixteen year old daughter tried to be so cool and edgy, and referred to The Smiths as a vintage band only the cool kids are aware of. Imagine her disappointment to find that her ancient old mum knew their stuff inside out, and actually she had been listening to them in the car from birth. No longer cool if your mother knows about them apparently. 🤭 Also, worksforme2 don’t be quite so hasty with the assumption I am waiting at all, never mind a long wait. 🤨 |
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Post by isthisit on Feb 4, 2021 12:00:47 GMT -5
Girlfriend in a Coma" and “This Charming Man” both have a "background beat" that can be played loud so a person can 'grove to the rhythm.' You know there are probably a few blokes here for whom “girlfriend in a coma” could be the signature tune for their marriages. |
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Post by Handy on Feb 4, 2021 12:05:16 GMT -5
Isthisit
You know there are probably a few blokes here for whom “girlfriend in a coma” could be there signature tune for their marriages.
You have that right. And it applies to the refusing men.
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but I doubt you are 91 yrs of age.
