Calling all Lurkers to post a few lines

If you (as a lurker) have derived any benefit by being in this group, it would be nice to see you contribute.

Whereas Covid19 probably has not helped very much, "new" postings have dropped off to a trickle over the past 12 months.

It looks like this group is in serious decline.

So if you have derived some benefit out of the group in the past - or at present - then now might be a good idea to become a contributing member.

Without fresh input (from current "lurkers" - and/or "new" members) the future of this ILIASM group looks decidedly sick, terminally so.

If you ascribe any value to the site, then supporting it is worth considering.

Indeed, don’t be like your refuser spouse and go “not tonight”!

Get a login - it’s completely anonymous unlike you’re as unafraid as me - and post your thoughts here and there, or tell a little of your own story. It’s cathartic and may even help you get a clearer picture of your situation simply by putting it into words, putting it ‘on paper’.

{{big hug}} for jerri for this initiative 

Long-time, but actually fairly sporadic lurker here.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but the likely reason that this board is in decline is because it's virtually impossible to find, and even if you can find it, it's not too easy to work out what the board is really for. Back when it was on Experience Project, I'm pretty sure I stumbled on it while Googling some stuff around sexless marriage. Now, the only way of getting it to come up in the first page of Google search results is by explicitly including the word "forum", which is kind of specific. Even then, the search results look like:



I'm pretty sure I would be clicking on one of the other links if I didn't know this site.

If this board wants new blood, it'll probably need to do some soul-searching and ask, "why would a new user come to this board and how would they get here?" You may also want to ask some of the newer users how, in fact, they did end up here.

My perception of this board is that of all the "schools" of sexless marriage thought, this is one of the most fatalistic that I have seen. There is no hope for any sexless marriage to be found here, so it is a place to vent and get some needed validation while you count down the days to your divorce or death, whichever comes first. Advice is mostly limited to issues surrounding divorce, although some of the stuff around having the Talk is also useful, even though few people here have been successful at anything other than gaining clarity around the hopeless nature of their situation. I am an exception to this, which is a big reason why I post so little and don't come here very much. Fatalistic venting is not of much use to me at the moment, and if I thought my experiences would be useful to other people (and had the time and inclination to write them down in a coherent way), there would probably be better places to post them than here. I did get value from lurking on the board and reading the stories and posts, but I can't quite articulate what that value was. Maybe it was just comforting to know that my situation is a common problem without any easy solutions.

There are plenty of people for whom the kind of support this board offers would be useful, but I find it hard to see how they would make their way here unless by word-of-mouth.

First, as to number of guests vs members. I believe it is a flawed statistic. If I connect I am a guest until I log in. If I connect 3 times today that is 3 guests but I am counted once.

Second, as to new members. I wonder if it is a matter of demographics. Are potential new members put off by length and depth of threads? I compare Iliasm to other forums and our replies are much longer. And by that nature we have better advise although I fear the TL:DR mentality of the internet will turn new people away. Looking at other forums the questions and answers are short and mostly worthless but they appeal to those looking for a quick fix.

I originally found 3 other relationship forums because of books that had web sites and Youtube videos.

I’ve been a lurker/infrequent poster here for a few years. Been here so long I don’t know if I’m a “member” or “guest” as I only access through my phone and I never have to “sign in”. I’m probably not alone in that the only “secure” avenue to the web for me is my phone. All other computers/tablets/etc have many eyes on them and my tech savvy is not such that I could ever go to this site on those things for fear of leaving a trail back to my postings.

However, for me Just knowing y’all are here. Just knowing I’m not alone. Is comfort. Knowing I have a tiny piece of recorded timeline /diary of feelings - all these are important.

Dark dark days were days I posted. I’m positive that advice received here jerked me out of destructive, perhaps fatal, despair. I love your unseen faces. I even pray for you by name (screen name - lol)
I am forever grateful to this group.

Feb 15 - will mark 2 continuous yrs sexlessness (with spouse). I wouldn’t even entertain a thought of a roll in the sack with him anymore. The damage has been done. My entire 40’s sexually abandoned by him is not something that I will forgive. Through this group I gained a confidence. An awareness. An education. A belonging that I didn’t previously have or understand. Most of all I gained courage.

Blessings and comfort be upon each one of you.