Finding a balance between codependence /extreme independence

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I pay $6.00 a month  for Medium Daily Digest and receive 10 different articles a day. The articles were free but... I was limited to 6 a month, hence me giving myself a gift, and subscribing. (most are 5 minute reads) (Not endorsing anything, just explaining why I get to see these articles and don't know if others see them or not when I post them)

The author is Patricia S Williams. When I do a Search (Your extreme independence is in fact a trauma response by Patricia S Williams) I do get to see the article.

This was an excellent read! For anyone who can't read/open:


Your Extreme Independence Is In Fact A Trauma Response

It took me years to realize my self-reliance stemmed from unhealed wounds.

Patrícia S. Williams

Nov 12, 2020 · 4 min read

Photo by Zachary Young on Unsplash

Iused to pride myself on my independence. Why would I want to rely on anybody else? People always end up hurting you, abandoning you or betraying you. That’s just how life works — or so I thought.

Now, I can see things more clearly. This way of thinking is not only untrue, it’s actually quite sad. And it’s always, always rooted in some deep-seated trauma that we haven’t addressed.

Trauma doesn’t have to stem from extreme situations. It can be the result of negative events or circumstances that have shaped who you are and what you believe, either consciously or unconsciously.

Acting as if you’ve got everything under control usually happens because you don’t want to ask for help out of fear of being perceived as weak.

But asking for help — or accepting help — is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of courage and humaneness.

Don’t take me wrong: independence is a good trait, as long as you’re not self-sabotaging or suppressing your real emotions. You can be independent and still ask for help. You can be independent and still have deep, vulnerable relationships. In fact, you need to.

A False Sense Of Safety

Perhaps in the past, a friend left you like it was nothing. Or a group of people that you thought were your friends made fun of you.

Perhaps, in your childhood, your parents kept telling you “you can only count on yourself!” — and as a child, you believed them. Or maybe you grew up in a home where your parents were distant or emotionally abusive, so you thought that you’d never allow anyone to treat you like that.

Perhaps a co-worker you trusted stabbed you in the back. Or your partner cheated on you. Or a stranger took advantage of your kindness.

When we’re used, betrayed or disrespected, it’s easy for us to create the belief that we can’t rely on anybody else. We don’t want to feel that pain ever again, so we protect ourselves by believing we can walk on this world without the help of others.

Guess what? We can’t. Not if we want to live a life filled with love, gratitude and authenticity. Your extreme independence gives you a sense of safety when, in reality, you’re not safe at all — you’re afraid.

You may think being on your own is much better than letting people in, but what you’re really doing is closing yourself off to life.

Everybody needs somebody at some point. Look at Chris McCandless, the main character in Jon Krakauer’s bestselling book Into The Wild (based on a true story, in case you didn’t know). Chris leaves his ordinary life behind and travels to Alaska — alone, with minimal gear.

Chris wanted to live off the land without the help of other human beings. In his journey, he came across several people who wanted to help him and he always said no. There was even an elderly couple who invited him to live with them, and he refused. He was determined to make it on his own.

He once said, “I won’t run into anything I can’t deal with on my own”.

For several months, Chris does make it on his own. However, when spring came, he discovers the river is swollen with rain and melting snow. The current is so strong that he’s unable to cross back.

He’s forced to return to his base camp, where he ultimately dies. In his last days, he writes on his journal: “happiness is only real when shared”.

Chris’ last life lesson is powerful. Although he was convinced he was self-sufficient, he realized that’s not what life’s about. It’s not about being independent or proving to ourselves that we have everything under control. Instead, it’s about love, connection and sharing.

Forgive those who’ve hurt you in the past — not because they’ve apologized, but because you want peace in your life. Forget the defense mechanisms you’ve developed.

It’s your birthright to grow into the amazing individual you want to be, and that involves letting go of conditioning patterns that no longer serve you.

The idea that when we’re “healed” we won’t need anyone is not true, nor is it healthy. Healing is not about living a solitary life. It’s about having the courage to face your wounds and take care of them until they become scars that no longer affect your life.

“Let your past experiences serve as a reminder of your resilience rather than evidence of an unsafe world. Life isn’t trying to break you down. it’s trying to break you open.”

Sheleana Aiyana