Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2016 16:26:17 GMT -5
I was so glad to find a place when a lot of the former EP ILIASM people ended up.... I always need a place to talk about this stuff. I have nowhere else to turn. I was the same name on EP.
Without re-writing my long backstory (try a google search), I will give some snippits but a most important update... and a new realization...
My real suffering comes from looking around at younger happier couples, with hearing about the "honeymoon period" in the first few years that I never had. You see, I didn't lose my virginity until almost 28. I was very slow in this respect and didn't get a real date until 27. So by the time (31) that I met my future wife, I was just getting comfortable with my own sexuality. I never had that goofy teen sex, or a chance for some hot times in my 20's. Nothing. I always figured that I would be rewarded with a good relationship later in life....
Unfortunately, just after proposing, my wife started the depo shot. And it totally killed her sex drive..... For 7 years.... throw in a major back injury for her that took 4 years out of our lives, and I learned that sex was not going to be a part of my life. Who goes on a honeymoon and has sex once? In 7 days?...me.... Now with the back somewhat better, she was advised to stop the depo shot by her doctor. Of course she did not tell me... didn't really need to since we had not had sex in over 5 years (about our 6th anniversary). 9 months later she starts to show interest...I was shocked... we had a few fumbled attempts at intercourse... So out of practice I am sure it sucked for her too... of course I started getting nervous, and then I was not "ready" to perform. Contrary to female belief, the possibility of sex does not instantly make a man as hard as a rock... it really has a mind of its own. Two failed attempts where I could not be ready due to nerves and worry had her storm out of the room saying that she must be fat and unattractive and flat chested and I didn't like her.
Of course the real answer is that after 5 years, I had trained myself not to look at her or think about her in a sexual way... kind of like a sister. You punish yourself for even looking because you know there is no chance...its a self preservation thing... But once a chance does come, its just not possible to think I am going to come running, hard and ready.... she has not been the most supportive. again, this is all put on me cause as she says "All guys are perverts".
Now, over 40, with only about 3 years of a sexlife in my entire existence, its far easier to just use the tools I have developed over my life to cope with the lack of intimacy. Of course now she has started a new med to deal with migraines, a anti-depressant. One possible side-effect, YOU GOT IT!.. Sexual Dysfunction..... so I guess its better that nothing got restarted... but the depression of how alone my life has been and that I am not even close to anything normal is tough. Who hits their 7 yr anniversary and only needs 2 hands to count the total sex encounters with their spouse!? And now, of course, its my fault, because all this crap has me so messed in the head, I can't even get mr peeper to help me out when needed.
Missed out anything resembling a normal life... and now, as I turn the corner at life's milestone, it hard not to be bitter and depressed at where you ended up. I am sorry, but its the long term effects of those who can say ILIASM that really are the worst. And you don't see them coming, you just realize it one day. You're on the other side of that bridge. |
|
|
|
Post by unmatched on Jun 2, 2016 18:28:32 GMT -5
It seems to me that one of the biggest problems in a lot of our sexless marriages is the complete inability to talk with our partners about emotions and needs and sex. A lot of our partners seem to be deeply phobic about the whole subject altogether, and a lot of us seem to be either very awkward about it or to have built up so many years of frustration and resentment that we can't see past it. Add to that the weight of expectations and desperation and things unsaid, and you have a situation where it is almost impossible to rekindle any kind of fire between you. Particularly as it is bound to be awkward and difficult to start with and it will require a fair amount of perseverance and (yes) communication to get it working again. But I suspect at this point the marriage has worse problems than just the lack of sex. (I am not talking about you particularly, I think this applies to most of us.)
So I am sorry you have got to where you have got to, it is a horrible situation to be in. If you are not totally resolved to spending your life celibate and with a black hole in the centre of your marriage, maybe you could look at some counselling so the two of you can at least learn to talk to each other again?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2016 18:53:23 GMT -5
I worry too that if I'm ever with someone else and can't rise to the occasion she'll think it's because I don't like her. I have sort of an excuse now being over 50, but fair or not women often take our performance deficits personally. In your case really not fair, since you were practically a virgin when this meltdown happened, a virtual virgin who had been shut out of sex and intimacy for years, and you're just supposed to brush all that off and hit the ground running. Doesn't work that way.
|
|
|
|
Post by obobfla on Jun 2, 2016 19:33:51 GMT -5
Having been through anti-depressants and losing some sexual function myself, I can give you some hope. First, there are a variety of anti-depressants. Many affect your sex drive (Prozac, Lexapro, Zoloft), but others (Welbutrin) do not. Also, you can increase or decrease dosage. But the patient better talk to his or her doctor first. The doc might give the patient a holiday from the anti-depressant. Also a gynecologist can help with other medicines.
I would echo the counseling part. You two are not used to communicating sexually. Most of us are here because our spouses just don't want that communication. Your wife just might but may be cautious to mention it out of health concerns.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 2, 2016 20:11:22 GMT -5
Can a case be made for you to seek treatment for your apparent sexual dysfunction, irrespective of where your marriage ends up ?
-
I can sort of see your reasoning at this stage - "why bother, given that I am in an ILIASM shithole ?" - but the thing is, you will not always necessarily be in an ILASM shithole.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2016 21:55:10 GMT -5
We women need a lot better education about how men's bodies really work.
Nobody ever tells us any of the stuff we really need to know when we're young. So we start our sex lives with whatever misinformation we learned along the way from friends and popular culture (I "learned" a lot from Cosmo magazine and movies like Fast Times at Ridgmont High.)
I've heard that today it's even worse - a lot of kids watch porn to learn about sex. And we all know that porn is totally realistic. /snark
So, we end up in bed with a guy, and things don't happen as we expected...and most people are too embarrassed to ask their partner about it.
Oddly enough, when I'm in bed with a man, I have almost no inhibitions about asking questions about sex and men's bodies. But I look at it this way: I've had sex with him, so how embarrassing can it be to ask a few questions?
|
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Jun 2, 2016 22:29:09 GMT -5
So true, @smartkat!
The mental component is huge for guys. Sure, there are times when the Little Big Guy has a mind of its own and we can't keep it down. Equally, there are times when we can't keep it up.
Visuals (!!), tactile, fantasy, dirty talk all conspire to fuel that mental motivation. (Did I mention nipples?) But one random thought of granny in a thong, and it all vaporizes in seconds. ("Whatever you do, don't think about elephants." And suddenly, elephants are the only thing you can think about.)
It's particularly precarious when things aren't going so well. Sometimes you can't overcome the mental drama to get into a performing mindset. Toss in some influencers like if she's trained you that she's not sexual, you've "sibling-zoned" her, or she's as engaged as a dead fish... a guy's imagination can only compensate for so much; if it works at all (which it might not) the imagination may, um, "peter out" midway.
Whether the woman's attractive is but one factor. It's about being able to be in the frame of mind. And if shit's falling apart in life or at work, it can be hard to get your head in the game.
Personally, I've had to lie to myself for years that she was enjoying sex despite the obvious facts. I've abandoned the self-delusion in recent years, and frankly it's been a show stopper several times. It's not that I can't get it up - that's no problem. It's that I can't get it up *for her*, even if I want to.
DC
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2016 22:39:49 GMT -5
So true, @smartkat! The mental component is huge for guys. Sure, there are times when the Little Big Guy has a mind of its own and we can't keep it down. Equally, there are times when we can't keep it up. Visuals (!!), tactile, fantasy, dirty talk all conspire to fuel that mental motivation. (Did I mention nipples?) But one random thought of granny in a thong, and it all vaporizes in seconds. ("Whatever you do, don't think about elephants." And suddenly, elephants are the only thing you can think about.) It's particularly precarious when things aren't going so well. Sometimes you can't overcome the mental drama to get into a performing mindset. Toss in some influencers like if she's trained you that she's not sexual, you've "sibling-zoned" her, or she as engaged as a dead fish... a guy's imagination can only compensate for so much; if it works at all (which it might not) the imagination may, um, "peter out" midway. Whether the woman's attractive is but one factor. It's about being able to be in the frame of mind. And if shit's falling apart in life or at work, it can be hard to get your head in the game. Personally, I've had to lie to myself for years that she was enjoying sex despite the obvious facts. I've abandoned the self-delusion in recent years, and frankly it's been a show stopper several times. It's not that I can't get get it up - that's no problem. It's that I can't get it up *for her*, even if I want to. DC Sex is like jazz. If you're thinking about it, you can't do it. And nothing makes you think about it more than when it's in the context of a bad relationship. |
|
|
|
Post by deleted on Jun 2, 2016 23:02:32 GMT -5
I'm in the same boat as the original poster. It sucks. It's a horrible feeling. I do other stuff, but some days are worse than others. Recently, they haven't been good. Remember, it's not your fault. Love isn't like a faucet that you can turn off and on.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2016 7:05:10 GMT -5
DryCreek... glad to hear something similar from you!... Now add in that her own issues with her body means that the lights are off... so off that I had to use my hands to feel around to get to the bed...I had no idea where I (or her) even was! One of her excuses for a while was "I am going through a phase where I am not comfortable with my body"... ah yes... and we get better as we get older...right?.. and yes, I am far more sexually attracted to other women, but now I am full of doubt, which makes the little man run away... fast.
Unmatched....funny that we could have an open dialogue before we were married (and before depo...) but now, if there is even a sexy scene in a movie, and I hear her coming in to the room, I quickly change the channel. I guess I really don't like he calling me a pervert...
obob... the anti-depressant is for chronic migraines... if she finds one that slows those down, I guarantee that she will stick with it overriding all other issues.
Smartkat...would you believe that never a word is said between us when, in rare cases, we are in bed? we have very different work schedules so we never go to sleep (or get up) at the same time. We have 4 yorkies that sleep in the bed, all around her. And the bedroom is where she watches tv, plays around on the ipad... eats dinner... etc.
After writing her yesterday, went home, walked in the house, she was in the bedroom, under the covers, playing around on the ipad. Here is the conversation: Me "Hey", her "Hey", Me "how did it go today?", Her "Fine, me "Nothing exciting", Her (looking up, finally) "Nope".... I changed my clothes and went for a bike ride.
Deleted...yep... some days I don't care, I just do my thing, but some days, it consumes me.
|
|
|
|
Post by JMX on Jun 3, 2016 8:02:06 GMT -5
@roch649 - that hanging out in the bed bit? It reminds me of my husband. The indention on his side of the bed makes me want to wretch.
I am not familiar with your backstory, so please forgive. Do you have children? If not I would:
1.) get divorced quickly
2.) get individual therapy
3.) go to a sex therapist too
I think with the right person, you could get out of this 40 Year Old Virgin (virtual) status.
This is the Age of Aquarius.
|
|
|
|
Post by JMX on Jun 3, 2016 8:03:28 GMT -5
Oh, and
4.). Let her keep her Beloved Yorkies.
|
|
|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 3, 2016 8:17:40 GMT -5
JMX, were you able to discuss settlement papers with him? Any update there?
|
|
|
|
Post by Pinkberry on Jun 3, 2016 8:46:43 GMT -5
To the OP, I'm sorry to hear of your predicament. It seems a very unfair turn in life that you did not deserve.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2016 8:59:57 GMT -5
For us, no kids....that would take sex...lol.... but we really don't care for kids... just animal rescue... hence our 5 dogs. Do I deserve? Nope...but at this point the communication is so poor , I guess I could be an accomplice to the crime...although it did not start this way, now she has me uncomfortable with my own sexuality...so I am back to hiding it from the world. One girl I had previously dated, we were so open when talking about sex... it was awesome....when she heard about the things I hadn't done... she told me had been dating the wrong girls.... funny enough... we never got around to sex... Must be me...  ? |
|
?
