more people have been driven mad by guilt than by hoariness.
I can see the connection between guilt and hoariness. You feel a strong sex drive, lust for sex with some one but feel having sex with someone other than your partner is wrong so the guilt builds up for thinking about a random sex partner.
The"just say No" mentality comes with guilt messages for sex and drugs. The anti-sex drive messages many of us hear year after year that tries to say people need to be logical and for men to not think with their "little head" because we should know better and be rational humans and not animals or have a better mental capacity of a dog.
jerri One thing I miss in the write-up by Dr. Mark D. White is the word "implicit". I looked, I looked again, and I don't think I saw it once.
We regularly enter into contracts without writing reems of fine print, because we consider some things to be implicit. One thing
implicit in a marriage contract (an oral contract, people making promises and oaths to each other) is that that some income is
shared. One promise, albeit vague, is to support each other. One is, unless explicitly (!) stated, cohabitation. Often there are promises of
'making you happy'. (wow, that's a tall one!).
Can we safely assume that one implicit promise is "there shall be sex"?
I think we all here can probably agree on the latter. So, does that throw a different light on Dr. White's wondering out loud if non delivery
of sex is as big a fraud as going outside the relationship?
I have pondered this from time to time (usually in the middle of a sleepless night). I manage to be gracious about it 99% of the time, but
occasionally, when I'm feeling a little depressed, the thought intrudes: "I've been rolled".
It's absurd to expect sex from someone who doesn't want to have it with you. It's absurd to expect that sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you is going to result in good sex.
It's more likely that it will end up being used as a demonstration of how little that person wants sex with you. It will also be a demonstration to the aversely inclined person that you are more than willing to have sex with anyone - given that you would have sex with someone who doesn't want it. It becomes proof of your perversion and a further weapon to be used to justify how ill-suited you are as a partner.
I think you need to go bigger than Dr. White's thesis as to whether or not someone who withdraws sex has transgressed some obligation. This implies that something as simple as a change of behaviour is needed.
To me, going bigger means : Does the relationship you have - from your perspective and hers - resemble a marriage? Would either of you say a celibate partnership is a marriage? If not that, what is it?
In my case, my direction became much more clear and the suffering of indecision eased, when I realized the marriage was a fantasy we were both lying about. The reality was that the marriage part of the relationship was over, and whatever was left more resembled a somewhat amicable or cooperative close separation. Taking sex out of the equation - meaning recognizing what had already happened - that I no longer had a sexual relationship with that woman - changed my expectations of the relationship and prevented a perpetual state of fresh disappointment and injury. It allowed me to move beyond a state of perpetual grievance - which I don't think Dr. White's thesis allows.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
jim44444: Happy Vernal Equinox. Go out and frolic.
Mar 20, 2021 19:16:35 GMT -5
worksforme2: Happy Vernal Equinox....Be fruitful and multiply...
Mar 21, 2021 5:18:36 GMT -5
petrushka: Just attended a lecture on local history. Apparently the Presbyterian Scottish refugees who settled here called a 'frolic', what the Amish would call a 'barn raising'. First a working bee, then dancing and feasting.
Mar 25, 2021 22:43:53 GMT -5
jerri: Pressing the like sign for all those comments.
Mar 26, 2021 15:04:52 GMT -5
worksforme2: Lucked onto a great new source for breaking news----The Babylon Bee
Mar 28, 2021 12:47:45 GMT -5
catlover: The resentment is running high today
Mar 28, 2021 18:39:08 GMT -5
mirrororchid: Sorry, dude. I think resentment has been the fuel for action in some SMs. It can be part of a process, eventually helpful.
Mar 30, 2021 4:43:40 GMT -5
Handy: I just read "The Babylon Bee" article "Blockage Cleared, Ships Moving At Record Speed As Chick-Fil-A Workers Put In Charge Of Suez Canal." Good humor.
Mar 30, 2021 16:49:51 GMT -5
worksforme2: Freezing temps in the morning for the next 3 days= no peaches in the fall for me unless I buy them,... 2 yrs in a row...growing my own fruit has proven to be a losing proposition
Apr 1, 2021 16:32:30 GMT -5
Handy: Meet the Feebles=weird!
Apr 1, 2021 18:22:06 GMT -5
jerri: Lots of interesting comments. I am way behind. Sending hugs and a kiss on the cheek💋
Apr 8, 2021 0:11:19 GMT -5
roy: Hi All, I just joined, at 77. I've been in a sexless marriage for too many years ...
Apr 9, 2021 15:26:32 GMT -5
petrushka: G'day Roy, welcome to the place most of us don't want to be. I am sure you will find lots of interesting personal stories and comments and reactions on the forum. Don't be shy about jumping in to talks ...
Apr 9, 2021 15:47:25 GMT -5