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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 21, 2020 15:36:22 GMT -5
I just wanted to throw this into the conversation,about the main question " do others have the right to dictate if we get sex?"
Yes they do! However.. in the "perfect relationship" where talking about a small % of the time.
The times when, " I have a headache...I'm exhausted...The kids need me... It's my period..etc...". In the "perfect relationship" the partner doing the dictating,offers an alternative, a raincheck, and is true to their word.
Ideally, in the "perfect relationship" your partner gets plenty of joy and satisfaction, in pleasing you sexually, even when THEY may not need/want sex at the time.
The bad part is the "nowhere near perfect, not even just okay relationship" that defines a SM. This is when you need a glass of water when dying of thirst in the dessert....and feel guilty about it!
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Post by saarinista on Nov 21, 2020 16:03:02 GMT -5
I think everyone chooses in the end what they will put up with sexually.
I doubt any judge will force either spouse to perform sexually, however. What a judge will do is force spouses to care for children and meet certain financial obligations implicit in a marriage.
Statements during a fancy wedding like "to have and to hold" and "forsaking all others" are cultural and religious conventions that most civil courts have little to no interest in enforcing.
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Post by snowman12345 on Nov 22, 2020 0:23:38 GMT -5
A person absolutely has the right to say when and with whom they will have sex. However, the promise made in marriage is to be one with another person for the rest of your life. If that person can't or won't do what is necessary to keep that union together it will dissolve. Even if you stay married - the union is dissolved. It cannot be called a union anymore. Cohabitation maybe. Co-parenting maybe. You may even still love each other, but it is not a union of two people as one. There would be no "everything is great except the sex".
"OK Mr. Snowman123456789 how can you know this?" I have been married for 35 years, the first 27 years were everything as promised. The sex was good and often enough to prevent me from complaining about it. After the sex stopped, I moped around for a year and then I had the "talk" with her and explained that sex was important to me. She asked what I was going to do about it and I said that if I wasn't getting it from her I would get it somewhere else. This set off a bout of reset sex, which showed me she could do it if she wanted to. Like most reset sex it tapered off and then it was back to nothing.
So she knows the consequence of being sexless in our marriage, yet she has chosen to keep it that way.
So, my AP and I have been together for about 7 years. It is not love or the formation of a union, but it is some awesome sex!
It's hard to keep this dog on the porch if you don't pet him once in a while.
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Post by jerri on Nov 22, 2020 2:32:09 GMT -5
I guess I was just my wondering how the so called "adultry" would share out in each state. I'm good in my state. But it seems like others are good too. I have a record of me informing my H that I was stepping out of the marriage for sex. I didn't put the article in that I had found because I didn't want it to derail the post, but here it is, so others can see how it may play out in their state. www.salon.com/2019/05/06/adultery-and-fornication-why-are-states-rushing-to-get-these-outdated-laws-off-the-books/I just don't think my H would use it against me to begin with in court. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 22, 2020 7:50:47 GMT -5
I guess I was just my wondering how the so called "adultry" would share out in each state. I'm good in my state. But it seems like others are good too. I have a record of me informing my H that I was stepping out of the marriage for sex. I didn't put the article in that I had found because I didn't want it to derail the post, but here it is, so others can see how it may play out in their state. www.salon.com/2019/05/06/adultery-and-fornication-why-are-states-rushing-to-get-these-outdated-laws-off-the-books/I just don't think my H would use it against me to begin with in court. Your H might not want to use it against you, but his attorney? A slick attorney may... bring it up during mediation. Something to talk to your own attorney about. |
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Post by jerri on Nov 22, 2020 14:13:43 GMT -5
greatcoastal, that's why I stated in the beginning that it needs to be recorded and documented. I have emails, but I would rather of had recorded the original talk. My H is very private. I am guessing that since some counsel like to sling dirt, one should ask their lawyer in the original consultation. Since adultry is the number one complaint, I wonder. I live in a no fault state.
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Post by lessingham on Nov 23, 2020 4:55:20 GMT -5
Just as a matter of interest, has anyone ever thrown out the sexless psrtner. We hear of infidelity and of the sexed up one leaving but not a kot of throwing the sexless one out on their ear.
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Post by baza on Nov 23, 2020 5:05:56 GMT -5
Just as a matter of interest, has anyone ever thrown out the sexless psrtner. We hear of infidelity and of the sexed up one leaving but not a kot of throwing the sexless one out on their ear. As far as I recollect, I can't recall too many instances where one spouse booted the other out. That would apply irrespective of refuser or refused status. If both names are on the deed, or lease, or mortgage then (in most jurisdictions) no-one can just boot the other out. I'd say any tales in here of being the booter or the bootee in the marital abode are real outliers. |
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Post by petrushka on Nov 24, 2020 4:04:45 GMT -5
Well - Baza refers to booting out of the house. Um, two. Seriously fucked up individuals in a trial relationship. As for booting out of my bed? Ye gods ... A few, including my first girlfriend and my first wife, both were playing me.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2020 11:22:40 GMT -5
To your original question, "Do others have a right to dictate if we have sex". My simplest version. No. They have every right to dictate if they don't want sex, their body, their choice. Once you apply that to your partner or spouse, all deals are off.
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Post by solitarysoul on Nov 24, 2020 16:22:56 GMT -5
I know this is not what the original post intended... but i am not what was intended either.... From another point of view....
In reality, having sex is ENTIRELY dictated by others... if you are talking about intercourse and not solo-sex, then it takes two to tango.
Do you think it was my CHOICE to be a virgin until 28?... No, it was the decision of society and the world around me. Can't do it if there are no willing partners, so in the end its not your decision. How many men would be willing tonight but instead will sit at a strip club, or go on a date with Rosie Palm?
I have barely had any sex my whole life... and not by choice. Natural selection has chosen me out... i know some of the beautiful and wonderful people here will not understand but this is the truth. (and i know some of you will blame me. I know who you are... so step away from the keyboard; I don't need it) Brad Pitt and Sofia Vergara may never struggle... but aging, graying, plain faced criminals, slowly gaining weight in this corner, will always be on the outside looking in.
Others HAVE dictated that i not get sex.
That is the way....
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Post by jerri on Nov 24, 2020 17:25:26 GMT -5
It's all a matter of how one reads the question. I let my spouse dictate whether I got any type of sex. He held me in chastity and I went along with it because I thought I should be faithful. Instead of saying you have a right to dictate what happens to your body, I also have a right to intimacy sex and l had to get over the idea that it wasn't cheating if I so chose to get fun elsewhere. I found I was more bound than a roommate, friend or sibling relationship. My roommate, sibling or friend would not expect me to stay home without fun just because they did.  it's worse! They are not like living with a sibling... I can edit it to reflect both questions. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Nov 24, 2020 19:45:59 GMT -5
It's all a matter of how one reads the question. I let my spouse dictate whether I got any type of sex. He held me in chastity and I went along with it because I thought I should be faithful. Instead of saying you have a right to dictate what happens to your body, I also have a right to intimacy sex and l had to get over the idea that it wasn't cheating if I so chose to get fun elsewhere. I found I was more bound than a roommate, friend or sibling relationship. My roommate, sibling or friend would not expect me to stay home without fun just because they did. it's worse! They are not like living with a sibling... I can edit it to reflect both questions. I thought I should be faithful to my wife too, until I realized she was being faithful only to herself. Leaving me out in the cold. I have no guilt for straying outside of the marriage for sex - I am just being faithful to myself. |
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Post by jerri on Nov 25, 2020 1:55:37 GMT -5
It's all a matter of how one reads the question. I let my spouse dictate whether I got any type of sex. He held me in chastity and I went along with it because I thought I should be faithful. Instead of saying you have a right to dictate what happens to your body, I also have a right to intimacy sex and l had to get over the idea that it wasn't cheating if I so chose to get fun elsewhere. I found I was more bound than a roommate, friend or sibling relationship. My roommate, sibling or friend would not expect me to stay home without fun just because they did. it's worse! They are not like living with a sibling... I can edit it to reflect both questions. I thought I should be faithful to my wife too, until I realized she was being faithful only to herself. Leaving me out in the cold. I have no guilt for straying outside of the marriage for sex - I am just being faithful to myself. I was loyal to the unloyal for far too long. I did get shamed and it didn't take long for me to shelf the guilt! I knew I had went way out of my way and he did too. At first, I had a real haughty attitude towards cheating, then it hit me. Maybe they are going through the exact same thing or similar. I saw them as being smart for cheating instead of sitting at home being a dumbass like myself while I got nothing! Lol  |
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Post by lessingham on Nov 25, 2020 5:13:53 GMT -5
I think it is the dog in the manger attitude that gets me. My wife will not have sex AND she insists I do not masturbate or watch porn. Sex with another woman is ultra forbidden. Sex becomes a furtive hidden act for me as I lack the assertiveness to tell her to get stuffed.
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it's worse! They are not like living with a sibling...
