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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2016 14:50:03 GMT -5
I finally had my court date today to have temporary support orders set. Apparently my STBX's lawyer thinks she is on a TV show and turned it into a special kind of hell for me. She persistently poked at my character until my lawyer finally stood up and asked if the judge was interested in listening to us list each other's flaws. She pointed out that we were trying to take the high road and not respond but that it was getting ridiculous. The judge asked his lawyer to "quit nit picking and start focussing on the big picture."
Basically, I ended up getting the support I had asked for, including a portion of my attorney's fees. I wish I could feel a little more triumph or something, but all I can feel is exhausted. It was almost impossible to sit there and listen to his lawyer either outright lie or implicate that I was a terrible wife and mother. I managed to keep my composure but I was shaking. I knew it would be hard, but it was even more awful than I thought.
My favorite lie was his attorney insisting that I have access to an account that she knew I didn't - she personally handed me statements that have only his name on them right before we went in. Well, as of today I have the user name and password, but my name still isn't on the account so I still can't use that money. I'm literally sitting there with the proof in my hands and I can't say a word. Of course my attorney told the judge exactly what was going on.
And his lawyer went on and on about how I've made no attempt to get a job when they both know full well that I have to finish the semester I'm teaching right now before I can seriously job hunt (they also both know I had a second interview yesterday for a job so it really really isn't true). I just wanted to stand up and yell, "You both know that's not true!" I could never understand why they have people do that in movies and TV, but now I get it. It's incredibly hard to listen to lies about yourself and not want to jump up and defend yourself. I guess maintaining control of myself is what has made me so tired.
Anyway, I totally get that it was a success for me, but the cost was pretty high. I hope I'll feel better about it later.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 2, 2016 15:01:30 GMT -5
Basically, I ended up getting the support I had asked for, including a portion of my attorney's fees. Yay!!! I know, it's hard to celebrate when you just went through a meat grinder, but that's a pretty good win! Hopefully the judge also gave him a hard deadline to make the payment and bring you current financially. Fuck him! And it sounds like his lawyer has been watching too many courtroom dramas. DC |
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Post by obobfla on Jun 2, 2016 15:02:43 GMT -5
Deep breath.....it's over!
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 2, 2016 16:09:20 GMT -5
Well done @mountainrunner
You are allowed to be exhausted.
It's done now xxx
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Post by skguy on Jun 2, 2016 16:17:50 GMT -5
I finally had my court date today to have temporary support orders set. Apparently my STBX's lawyer thinks she is on a TV show and turned it into a special kind of hell for me. She persistently poked at my character until my lawyer finally stood up and asked if the judge was interested in listening to us list each other's flaws. She pointed out that we were trying to take the high road and not respond but that it was getting ridiculous. The judge asked his lawyer to "quit nit picking and start focussing on the big picture." Basically, I ended up getting the support I had asked for, including a portion of my attorney's fees. I wish I could feel a little more triumph or something, but all I can feel is exhausted. It was almost impossible to sit there and listen to his lawyer either outright lie or implicate that I was a terrible wife and mother. I managed to keep my composure but I was shaking. I knew it would be hard, but it was even more awful than I thought. My favorite lie was his attorney insisting that I have access to an account that she knew I didn't - she personally handed me statements that have only his name on them right before we went in. Well, as of today I have the user name and password, but my name still isn't on the account so I still can't use that money. I'm literally sitting there with the proof in my hands and I can't say a word. Of course my attorney told the judge exactly what was going on. And his lawyer went on and on about how I've made no attempt to get a job when they both know full well that I have to finish the semester I'm teaching right now before I can seriously job hunt (they also both know I had a second interview yesterday for a job so it really really isn't true). I just wanted to stand up and yell, "You both know that's not true!" I could never understand why they have people do that in movies and TV, but now I get it. It's incredibly hard to listen to lies about yourself and not want to jump up and defend yourself. I guess maintaining control of myself is what has made me so tired. Anyway, I totally get that it was a success for me, but the cost was pretty high. I hope I'll feel better about it later. Great job. Such a horrible experience for you to go through. Such great self control when ever part of you wants to yell out the truth. You're for sure trying to take the high road even the other side is resorting to every ugly trick in the book. Even though you're exhausted - you should be proud of yourself. :-) |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 2, 2016 17:19:24 GMT -5
Congrats on this huge step!! Happy for you!
I can't wait until the day you write the story that you are divorced! That's next! Rest up now and do something nice to pamper yourself.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 2, 2016 17:22:54 GMT -5
@mountainrunner, since you are in California, maybe you should go to the Catalina Wine Mixer?
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Post by unmatched on Jun 2, 2016 18:58:59 GMT -5
@mountainrunner I am sorry, that sounds hideous. I guess at least it shows that the judge is not the least bit interested in his lawyer and her nasty insinuations and grandstanding. That should give you some confidence going forwards that you don't need to take her too seriously.
I guess not everyone will agree with this, but I wonder whether you shouldn't write your husband a letter and tell him what exactly it was like for you and how it made you feel. Make it a very personal letter and don't go into any of the practicalities at all. (And run it by your lawyer before sending it to make sure you are not saying anything that will come back to hurt you.) I know at one point you had hopes of still maintaining some kind of relationship with him (that might have gone out the window now!), and it is a bit like saying, 'Look, we still have a human relationship and you are trampling all over it.' It probably won't make any difference to anything, and he probably won't change tack as a result, but it might make you feel better rather than trying to ignore it all and pretend it shouldn't hurt you.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2016 19:06:08 GMT -5
Magnificent job. Keep your mouth shut, don't speak unless prompted, let your on top of it lawyer handle it, let STBX's showboat lawyer soak him for more billable hours, and above all, give him enough rope and he'll hang himself.
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Post by JMX on Jun 2, 2016 19:20:51 GMT -5
Yay! I was thinking about you all day when I noticed it was the second. Such good news.
Operation Fuck Him Up is in effect. It will make you tired but will be worth it!!
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Post by baza on Jun 2, 2016 20:42:19 GMT -5
This won't be of any practical help to you Sister mountain runner, but maybe it will give you a clue about cementheads mind set.
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Oftentimes, when the marriage is sliding down the chute, the avoidant spouse does nothing.
But, when it gets down to the pointy end of proceedings - divorce - they are quite prepared to be obstructive, uncooperative and engage in telling untruths and suchlike to spin the thing out, delay and defer the process.
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Thus, at a social gathering in September 2016, whilst talking to someone about their divorce, they can say with hand on heart - "I did everything I possibly could to avoid the divorce".
This invites the listener to be sympathetic and interpret this to mean that cementhead - "did everything I could to turn the marriage around", and thus paint himself as the injured party.
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And tragically, the cementheads of this world actually believe this too, that they DID put a lot of work in to the situation.
And to some extent, it's true, they did.
But there was precious little effort expended in trying to fix the marriage, rather their efforts were directed toward prolonging it.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jun 2, 2016 20:50:14 GMT -5
Basically, I ended up getting the support I had asked for, including a portion of my attorney's fees. Yay!!! I know, it's hard to celebrate when you just went through a meat grinder, but that's a pretty good win! Hopefully the judge also gave him a hard deadline to make the payment and bring you current financially. Fuck him! And it sounds like his lawyer has been watching too many courtroom dramas. DC I have to agree - Fuck him! You won MR! Fuck him! |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2016 22:08:26 GMT -5
Wow! This is fantastic news! You deserve it - especially since he is being such a major league dick about everything.
I will just echo phin's advice - make good use of your lawyer. It sounds like she's really good.
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Post by tinymouse on Jun 2, 2016 23:23:18 GMT -5
Here's a little secret about judges. Just because they don't say anything at times, doesn't mean they don't see or fail to understand. They can tell when someone is lying. They can tell when someone is faking emotions or trying theatrics. And they don't fall for it.
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Post by itsjustus on Jun 3, 2016 1:13:31 GMT -5
I thought of you this morning, remembering the date was today. I'm so sorry you had to take such blows against your character. It's such a shame it ruins what should be thought of as a moment of justice for you. Because you did get what's rightfully yours to have, and that is the bottom line.
What you saw is called showboating. Lawyers do that for a specific, though low life reason. Surprisingly, it's not for the judge, nothing to do with them, they see it so often, they're immune. Nor you, for that matter, though there are times it has the unintended consequence of making the other client (you) so tired and disgusted, that they (you) settle for much less than equitable.
They do it for their client. His attorney had heard all of this from him, understands that he's bitter, and to justify what is usually promises to "get tough" to justify over market pricing, his attorney is playing to a one man audience to make him feel he's getting his money's worth. Does that attorney believe what they are saying? Very rarely, and only if they are an idiot. Does that attorney care if the judge is taking it all into consideration? Not in the least. They know it's a temporary judgment hearing, it doesn't matter. They know the judge isn't listening to a word of it, they've heard it thousands of times. Even your attorney let it go for awhile, because it's so common. I'm glad she finally stood up, probably after either watching the judges eyes glaze over, or seeing the judge would wish someone would, FTLOG, shut his attorney up. Now that...a judge appreciates. Lol.
Being maligned like that, taking the high road, is the most frustrating feeling in the world.....except for still being in a SM......
Hang in there, it will end. And we'll have that cup of coffee...spiked. ☕️
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