grower
Junior Member
Posts: 79 
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Post by grower on Oct 13, 2020 9:24:14 GMT -5
As your kids get into their late teens and beyond, do you think you
are doing them, you or anyone any good by holding on to a unhappy
and dysfunctional marriage (SM), or would it might be better for them
and you to pursue a healthy and functional life. I don't think that you
are fooling you kids that you are happy, they see and feel the black heart
of your SM. Should they think that is normal, and that is what they should
look forward to. Or perhaps we should set the example that once you have
done your best and failed, it is time to move on, renew and rediscover the
joy in life. Just a Question?
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Post by solitarysoul on Oct 13, 2020 18:40:09 GMT -5
Kids know, see, and understand more than most give them credit for....
For this reason, glad i don't have any....
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 14, 2020 5:29:53 GMT -5
As your kids get into their late teens and beyond, do you think you are doing them, you or anyone any good by holding on to a unhappy and dysfunctional marriage (SM), or would it might be better for them and you to pursue a healthy and functional life. I don't think that you are fooling you kids that you are happy, they see and feel the black heart of your SM. Should they think that is normal, and that is what they should look forward to. Or perhaps we should set the example that once you have done your best and failed, it is time to move on, renew and rediscover the joy in life. Just a Question? It might vary. How long have things been rocky? How much investment is there is healing? What obstacles lie in the way? Can a split be amicable? Can scheduling make frequent contact with both parents possible? Is proximity possible? Have the current spouses learned things that may avoid similar issues in future relationships? |
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Post by alwaysdenied on Nov 4, 2020 13:39:44 GMT -5
As your kids get into their late teens and beyond, do you think you are doing them, you or anyone any good by holding on to a unhappy and dysfunctional marriage (SM), or would it might be better for them and you to pursue a healthy and functional life. I don't think that you are fooling you kids that you are happy, they see and feel the black heart of your SM. Should they think that is normal, and that is what they should look forward to. Or perhaps we should set the example that once you have done your best and failed, it is time to move on, renew and rediscover the joy in life. Just a Question? I don't sugar coat anything to my teenage kids. They both know their mother is an undiagnosed manically depressed monster. Sure she's nice **most** of the time, but all it takes is one little thing and she's a ranting and raving lunatic. We ALL hate it. Know what scares them more than anything? Me leaving them with her. Sure you can say fight for full custody. But we all know that wont happen. I know I can expect a good raping by the court system. The kids know better than to cross their mom by saying the truth to her. They know she would have rights. And... it's not always bad. They enjoy plenty of good times when she's the happy mom. They just know to not trust happy mom because psycho mom is lurking just waiting to pounce on the littlest thing. I can't blame them for enjoying the times when our family actually feels together. I enjoy the hell out of it also.
I have less than 4 years to endure and protect my kids while getting myself in order also. You can act like it's no big deal, but I haven't seen a divorce with kids involved that didn't devolve into some sort of hell on Earth. If I can maintain and deprive myself of sex and sanity and get out after the kids are old enough, I will be much freer to enjoy my life. And the kids have begged me to not do that to them. To some that may sound nuts, but it is what it is and what I have decided I can live with myself.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 4, 2020 20:00:13 GMT -5
alwaysdenied, you’ll find often recommended here... go get a consult with a local attorney. In most jurisdictions they’ll do it for free as a marketing effort. Even if you have no intention of making a move soon, you can find out significant points about your specific situation and geography. Like, if waiting longer will cause you to owe alimony for life. Or maybe your kids are old enough that they get to decide their own custody, so it’s not the concern you think it is. Or you need to push hard to get your wife back in the workforce in a job with benefits, and cutting back on your own overtime hours - this latter point can require years of track record, so making changes soon is needed even if you don’t leave for years. (See ironhamster’s tale as a warning here.)
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 4, 2020 20:31:26 GMT -5
As your kids get into their late teens and beyond, do you think you are doing them, you or anyone any good by holding on to a unhappy and dysfunctional marriage (SM), or would it might be better for them and you to pursue a healthy and functional life. I don't think that you are fooling you kids that you are happy, they see and feel the black heart of your SM. Should they think that is normal, and that is what they should look forward to. Or perhaps we should set the example that once you have done your best and failed, it is time to move on, renew and rediscover the joy in life. Just a Question? Our ( me and my now ex W) child psychologist/marriage counselor told us this. " The two of you are setting a horrible example for your children of what a loving, caring, respectful, intimate relationship should be". That was my turning point, my A-Ha moment. When I decided divorce was not just for me but was for the good of my children. Just my 2 cents. |
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Post by deadzone75 on Nov 5, 2020 15:31:27 GMT -5
As your kids get into their late teens and beyond, do you think you are doing them, you or anyone any good by holding on to a unhappy and dysfunctional marriage (SM), or would it might be better for them and you to pursue a healthy and functional life. I don't think that you are fooling you kids that you are happy, they see and feel the black heart of your SM. Should they think that is normal, and that is what they should look forward to. Or perhaps we should set the example that once you have done your best and failed, it is time to move on, renew and rediscover the joy in life. Just a Question? My mom languished in one of her marriages throughout the majority of my teen years. Over those years I saw constant fighting, lots of drinking, and an overall piss-poor example of what a relationship should be. But it never once led me to believe that it was normal, that it was what I could expect for my future. In fact, the effect was quite the opposite. I didn't need to see her move on to know that there is joy to be found outside of a bad relationship--the ugliness of theirs and my exposure to it was its own lesson. Well, I found myself in a SM, but I certainly didn't go into it expecting it to be void of intimacy...error in judgment over expectation. |
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Post by isthisit on Nov 5, 2020 16:22:51 GMT -5
I called time on my SM when my children were 17 and 14 and they similarly knew that the relationship was dysfunctional and needed no explanation of why I had to exit. Not wanted to, a grass is greener thing, but had to. For my sanity. While I recognise the validity of the example of the OP and deadzone75 this is not the only way that children can be influenced by a deceased relationship. In my case there was no arguing, shouting or the like, but was equally the “piss poor example of what a relationship should be”. Because of what was not there rather than what was. Despite my best efforts they did not see their parents enjoy mutual warmth, care, affection and enjoyment of time together that is evident in a healthy relationship. There’s not much I can do about that at this point, but I did seize the opportunity to provide an example of the responsibility to yourself to recognise that when you’re not happy you should act in your own interests. We all survived, and there are no terrible outcomes. We are still a family, just shaped differently. These are our unique circumstances but I hope this is useful to others. I just wish I had known before I burnt through so much time. |
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Post by bozodeclowne on Nov 5, 2020 17:59:16 GMT -5
Several times I have clearly stated to my wife that we are providing a terrible example to our children of what a happy, loving relationship should look like. She can never quite bring herself to agree, but that is perhaps a topic for another post.
The other day our 16yr old daughter said "You should be nicer to Mom" out of the blue. I always assumed she could see the way her mother's withdrawal had affected me, but apparently not. Her mother has either been talking about our relationship, or dear daughter has decided to "pick a side", or both. Either way, not good. I have always made it a point to avoid discussing marital relationship issues with the children, as I don't think that is appropriate, though I suspect my wife has complained to them in the past. Our children are quite close to their mother, and I think that is great. Her complaining to them about me instead of TO ME? Not so much...
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 5, 2020 20:05:20 GMT -5
Bozo, you probably are being meaner to your wife than you realize. That may be far more visible to your kids than your wife’s withdrawal of physical intimacy. Staying married may not be doing your kids favors.
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Post by baza on Nov 5, 2020 20:38:04 GMT -5
In these common situations, kids (if any) are an important consideration.
But the end call needs to be made on what is going to be in your longer term best interests.
There are assorted matters in these situations that need to be considered. kids, finances, social standing to mention just a couple, and these things need to be factored in to your thinking, and given appropriate priority in the wider scheme of things.
But the prime priority is you and your future.
If you get that choice right, then much of the rest will sort itself out.
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Post by saarinista on Nov 5, 2020 21:06:05 GMT -5
bozodeclowne if your wife is complaining about you to the kids, tell her not to. She needs to negotiate with you, and vice versa.
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