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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2020 16:18:40 GMT -5
My story is the same old same old. Dwindling sex, why chasing, etc. and now I'm coming up on the one-year anniversary of no sex at all for a year.
I've been thinking lately not about sex but about the relationship environment necessary for sex. It takes a lot of trust (in addition to just loving one another) to get naked together. Not only does sex appear to be permanently off the menu but I don't think we have even the environment of trust and vulnerability. I cannot be vulnerable with this person any more.
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Post by baza on Sept 14, 2020 22:17:32 GMT -5
Yeah.
If you want a sex life, then you need to be with someone who also wants a sex life.
Further, you need to be specifically with someone you want to have sex with, and that someone has to specifically want sex with you.
All very well, but if you are locked in to an ILIASM deal, then you have 2 problems.
1 - you are not going to find what you are looking for in your ILIASM deal.
2 - staying in your ILIASM deal basically precludes you being able to find what you are looking for outside* of that environment.
* - unless you have a crack at cheating - which brings in to play another raft of problems.
What do you want to do Brother @tooyoungtobeold2 ?
Stay / cheat / leave ?
They're all perfectly legitimate choices.
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Post by lwoetin on Sept 15, 2020 0:29:55 GMT -5
I think it requires love, trust and desire. We need the drug companies to make a vaccine to treat the bug that kills desire. Warp speed, mr. Sulu.
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Post by saarinista on Sept 15, 2020 1:00:02 GMT -5
@tooyoungtobeold2 Only one year? Ha! Newbie! Welcome to the potential beginning of the rest of your (potentially sex-free) entire life! 😀😕😢😢
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2020 11:54:26 GMT -5
Yeah. If you want a sex life, then you need to be with someone who also wants a sex life. Further, you need to be specifically with someone you want to have sex with, and that someone has to specifically want sex with you. All very well, but if you are locked in to an ILIASM deal, then you have 2 problems. 1 - you are not going to find what you are looking for in your ILIASM deal. 2 - staying in your ILIASM deal basically precludes you being able to find what you are looking for outside* of that environment. * - unless you have a crack at cheating - which brings in to play another raft of problems. What do you want to do Brother @tooyoungtobeold2 ? Stay / cheat / leave ? They're all perfectly legitimate choices. I'm still staying, I'm just bitchin' : ) |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2020 12:01:25 GMT -5
It takes a lot of trust (in addition to just loving one another) to get naked together. I think this depends on the person and their situation. If she found herself suddenly single and alone, would it be any different? 🤔 Would she want to be sexual if she was single or alternately-partnered with someone else? I don't really know and haven't spent much time worrying about it because I figured the cause didn't matter, I chased all of the whys and never seemed to uncover any secret solution. I get that sexual chemistry is between two people and I don't think she's asexual. For her, however, she definitely needs 102% of everything else in her life to be in good shape before sex is on the menu. That goes to her trust issues (which are now also my trust issues). She can't drop her guard for reasons that I almost fully understand, therefore sex almost always feels like a violation of her "protective coating". My understanding of that is what ultimately led me to a separate bedroom and a full year without ever initiating sex, I just didn't want to be "that guy" if sex made her feel that way. Like most things that are left unaddressed, this leads to other unintended consequences. It just occurred to me the other day that the lack of trust has now permeated more of our relationship than sex. It's subtle but I never let me guard down anymore, we only talk logistics of life, etc. |
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Post by bozodeclowne on Sept 17, 2020 15:30:59 GMT -5
Trust is a funny thing. I used to trust my wife implicitly, but I was naive. No longer. With the mundane aspects of life, sure, but emotional matters and larger truths? Nope. Her words do not match her actions. We're coming up on another wedding anniversary (29yrs), but that also will mark 2 years since she withdrew all affection. If she gives me another flowery card filled with crap about what a great husband I am and how she can't wait to ride off into the sunset together, I may spontaneously combust on the spot!
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 24, 2020 22:25:14 GMT -5
It just occurred to me the other day that the lack of trust has now permeated more of our relationship than sex. It's subtle but I never let me guard down anymore, we only talk logistics of life, etc. This. It feels more guarded. Defensive. Like there’s no upside and only downside to sharing more than necessary. |
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Post by Handy on Sept 25, 2020 3:24:42 GMT -5
Drycreek Like there’s no upside and only downside to sharing more than necessary.[/b] Same here DC and that is a good way to write it out. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2020 11:47:50 GMT -5
My wife is a very honest person so it's not that I don't trust that she's truthful. DC nailed it, there's just no upside to sharing anything. Although it's not like it would come up, we never talk about feelings/hopes/dreams. She thinks that's because we're in the final few weeks of building a house but we only ever discuss the logistics of life for many years now.
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Post by jerri on Sept 29, 2020 2:35:01 GMT -5
For me it got way worse before it got better. I didn't know if it was ok to snuggle, touch, kiss... even though we had been together for a long time I felt like I had just met him and I didn't know what he liked or wanted.
I would also come in and out of anger, but I just suppressed it. Anger turned into depression when I felt like I had no control and was just stuck. I went through the phase where I didn't want him if he didn't want me.
I pulled away and he started pulling me closer little by little we got intimacy without sex.
Then I decided l would do my best to be kind and considerate. I was able to be kinder when I was getting sex elsewhere! So much resentment just melted. It was really nice to work on our marriages with another sexless man! I no longer felt alone. It was also nice to work with a mentor who was sexless because of his wife's terminal cancer, but she encouraged and helped him look for a playmate.
Fast forward another decade and we are very kind and loving to each other. I don't think I will get sex, and that's okay because I can get it elsewhere.
ETA: At first, when I was getting shagged elsewhere because of the backwards way I did it. (Blurting out Ione morning that I could no longer go without intimacy and sex, he was beyond angry and we switched roles. l was calm and collected and the only one being kind at the time.
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Post by h on Sept 29, 2020 5:06:05 GMT -5
It just occurred to me the other day that the lack of trust has now permeated more of our relationship than sex. It's subtle but I never let me guard down anymore, we only talk logistics of life, etc. This. It feels more guarded. Defensive. Like there’s no upside and only downside to sharing more than necessary. I definitely get this. There is no upside. Best case scenario is that it doesn't result in an argument. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2020 12:42:41 GMT -5
....and I don't see it getting better. The basic problem is that she is always on guard (her upbringing), always has shields up and anything other than "logistics of life" feels vulnerable and out of control. So, it is what it is. I've transcended sex and stay/leave/cheat now I'm just rolling around in my head whether I want to go to the finish line with this person. Sex is out of my life, likely forever. Much to my surprise, I can live with that, it's possible. But the other stuff of a shared life? But what about the kids (21, 22 and 24)? Ugh. I'm just ranting.
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Post by snowman12345 on Sept 30, 2020 21:49:35 GMT -5
This thread got me to thinking (a dangerous proposition).
I can't think of much that I trust talking to my SO about. At this point we are sharing a house and a bed and caring for a grandchild 3-4 days a week.
We are trying new a new hobby that we can do together. But is the same as everything else in our lives - I do most of the grunt work and she gets to make decisions for all of us.
I don't trust her with my sex life as she ignores it.
She leaves me out of the loop with information which I know I am guilty of too.
I am in the process of building a garage/workshop and I am purposely vague about finances. She once made it clear that I had no say in a substantial inheritance she got, so I am using nothing but my own money to finance it.
After 35 years i have learned the points in the road ahead to bypass if at all possible.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2020 12:06:45 GMT -5
Sounds like "my" hobbies. The list is long. "Hey, let's get a horse for the kids" -I now have a horse. "Hey, let's do honeybees" -I now care for the bees "Hey, let's move halfway across the country and build a house" -I'm building a house
I'm being unfair but sometimes it feels like this.
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