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Post by blueguy on Aug 3, 2020 6:44:23 GMT -5
I think I finally stopped desiring sex in my marriage. It has taken a lot of willpower but with quitting masturbation and looking at porn/images I finally don’t have the urge to seek sex period. I’m still in my sexless marriage and figure I will be for at least 10 more years until my youngest graduates high school. If I’m no longer desiring sex then the resentment will hopefully stop. It sucks as I just entered my 40s and have been in a sexless marriage for at least 18 years which is nearly all of my marriage but I made my bed and am laying in it. I think the thing that irritates me the most though was getting shipped a few years back thinking that with her getting off of birth control things would get better. We’ve done it so few times since that a large box a condoms would still have some in it had I bought it that day instead.
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Post by saarinista on Aug 3, 2020 18:16:53 GMT -5
Ten years of irritation is a long time but okay..
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Post by baza on Aug 3, 2020 19:41:49 GMT -5
I can readily see (from this and your other posts) why you don't desire sex with your missus Brother blueguy . What you've written paints a pretty unattractive unappealing picture. Hardly surprising that you don't fancy her. Now, if your specific aversion to sex is on a macro level (ie you don't fancy sex with anyone) then you are on a winner. If however it's on a micro level (ie you still fancy sex generally) then it's going to be a long 10 years ahead of you. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 4, 2020 7:00:13 GMT -5
Now, if your specific aversion to sex is on a macro level (ie you don't fancy sex with anyone) then you are on a winner. I'm not so sure. Before my wife's reset and before I resolved to start dating I contemplated pharmaceutical measures to kill my libido. It didn't take long to reject the idea. Taking pharmaceutical help to break my normal biological functioning is a form of self-harm. Side effects could be deleterious to my health. Her lack of normal biological function did not merit shaving years off my life and introducing perhaps crippling health issues. Such health issues could cause strain in our marriage and resentment I couldn't reverse. The other key issue is sexual desire for my wife is what literally attracts me to her to some degree. Minus our physical bond, that leaves other bonds. Financial, social, familial... Severing the physical bond puts more demand on the other three. If those three forces of attraction aren't compelling enough, removing my lust weakens the marriage. Refusers see physical attraction and bond as undesirable. They would rather other bonds held it together. Marriage requires time, attention, and effort yet refusers would prefer to take on this challenge that exceeds so many people's capabilities while giving themselves a deliberate, daunting handicap. "I'll make this marriage last until the grave... without sex!" may be what they tell themselves. The word "hubris" comes to mind. |
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Post by blueguy on Aug 4, 2020 7:11:11 GMT -5
I still desire sex. I’ve noticed since I stopped taking care of it on my own that my dreams have been more lusty which sucks.
I’m just at the point where I don’t desire sex with my wife. She’s made it clear to me over the years that sex isn’t important. I still think her chronic illness plays a big part in that, but that should only affect PIV. She detests oral and says the thought of it on me makes her gag. She won’t touch me which gets me thinking I’m undesirable. I really hate that feeling so I’ve finally just said whatever, I can’t let this ruin my life. Unfortunately now that I’ve stopped taking care of it, stopped looking at outside stimuli, I feel like I’m at a war with myself. I was just fine the other day....
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muzack
Junior Member
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Post by muzack on Aug 5, 2020 22:47:57 GMT -5
I'm not so sure the resentment will stop. The active hurt might, but resentment is a different beast.
I stopped initiating a little over a year ago. Surprise! This month will be one year with out sex and one five second kiss is the only thing close to physical intimacy she has initiated. (There was a promise of more...later. But we all know how that works out 99.9% of the time.)
After a year, I realize the physical component of out relationship has been a net negative for at least the last decade. The pluses of those moments of physical closeness was outweighed by the minuses of being repeatedly rejected and feeling like I was just a breathing sex toy for the rare times she was horny. My resentment isn't about how infrequent or uninspired the sex was. The resentment is the "How can I meet his needs." part of the equation was pretty much absent.
If I get to the point I don't desire sex, I doubt it will eliminate my resentment.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2020 17:05:20 GMT -5
I still desire sex, just not with the W also. I mean, I truly don't want sex with her. That ship sailed so long ago that it's hard to even remember what wanting marital sex was like.
The weird thing is that I'm happier this way, go figure.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2020 17:12:22 GMT -5
I haven't been through all of your backstory blueguy. I was quite frequent on here and the stay-leave advice was spot on and I chose to stay for a host of reasons that remain true. The site reached a point where advice on managing resentments seemed helpful but not a way forward. My hindsight advice is to leave.
It's been a rough year personally, living out of a camper while building a house mostly with my own hands. My W couldn't take the fifth wheel camper back in February and went and stayed with her Mom for a couple months. Those couple of months were pretty eye opening. I would be happier with much, much less house, less life, less of my income and alone.
That is a long segue to saying that I used to think there was a spectrum of "fixed it" to "divorced". Then I thought there was a spectrum of stay/leave/cheat, which I modified to stay/leave (cheating not seeming like a good option for me). Now I see it as get-happy-with-the-same-old-passionless-nothing/leave. Leaving has to seriously be considered the only successful way to end a SM.
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Post by baza on Aug 10, 2020 20:42:03 GMT -5
@tooyoungtobeold2 makes a highly valid point. Getting out of an ILIASM shithole will completely fix the problem of being in an ILIASM shithole, guaranteed. But, that will NOT mean you will then have a problem free life. You will be trading in the irresolveable problems of being in an ILIASM shithole for a whole raft of new but resolveable problems involved in being single. Would that be a good trade ? Only you can answer that .... For some, like Brother shamwow or Sister elynne the answer is "yes". For others, like Brother h , or Sister @modlulu it's "no". It's all down to you to make your choice, and to own the consequences of that choice. |
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Post by workingonit on Aug 10, 2020 20:42:50 GMT -5
I haven't been through all of your backstory blueguy. I was quite frequent on here and the stay-leave advice was spot on and I chose to stay for a host of reasons that remain true. The site reached a point where advice on managing resentments seemed helpful but not a way forward. My hindsight advice is to leave. It's been a rough year personally, living out of a camper while building a house mostly with my own hands. My W couldn't take the fifth wheel camper back in February and went and stayed with her Mom for a couple months. Those couple of months were pretty eye opening. I would be happier with much, much less house, less life, less of my income and alone. That is a long segue to saying that I used to think there was a spectrum of "fixed it" to "divorced". Then I thought there was a spectrum of stay/leave/cheat, which I modified to stay/leave (cheating not seeming like a good option for me). Now I see it as get-happy-with-the-same-old-passionless-nothing/leave. Leaving has to seriously be considered the only successful way to end a SM. The old zip code therapy seems to have provided you with some hard truths. What do you want to do now? What are you going to do now? |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2020 11:48:25 GMT -5
I haven't been through all of your backstory blueguy. I was quite frequent on here and the stay-leave advice was spot on and I chose to stay for a host of reasons that remain true. The site reached a point where advice on managing resentments seemed helpful but not a way forward. My hindsight advice is to leave. It's been a rough year personally, living out of a camper while building a house mostly with my own hands. My W couldn't take the fifth wheel camper back in February and went and stayed with her Mom for a couple months. Those couple of months were pretty eye opening. I would be happier with much, much less house, less life, less of my income and alone. That is a long segue to saying that I used to think there was a spectrum of "fixed it" to "divorced". Then I thought there was a spectrum of stay/leave/cheat, which I modified to stay/leave (cheating not seeming like a good option for me). Now I see it as get-happy-with-the-same-old-passionless-nothing/leave. Leaving has to seriously be considered the only successful way to end a SM. The old zip code therapy seems to have provided you with some hard truths. What do you want to do now? What are you going to do now? I would say they aren't new hard truths, they're truths I've been quite aware of for quite some time. Hope stood in the way. Stretching our boundaries physically, financially to make a major relocation and build a house (not with a builder, it's just me) just makes them more pronounced. Thank you for asking workingonit. I'm taking a one year approach. The house is within weeks of being completed, then I'm going to set a clock and follow my own advice. Either get-happy-with-the-same-old-passionless-nothing or leave. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 12, 2020 11:15:07 GMT -5
The old zip code therapy seems to have provided you with some hard truths. What do you want to do now? What are you going to do now? I would say they aren't new hard truths, they're truths I've been quite aware of for quite some time. Hope stood in the way. Stretching our boundaries physically, financially to make a major relocation and build a house (not with a builder, it's just me) just makes them more pronounced. Thank you for asking workingonit. I'm taking a one year approach. The house is within weeks of being completed, then I'm going to set a clock and follow my own advice. Either get-happy-with-the-same-old-passionless-nothing or leave. Sometimes you have to lose.... so you can find! Hope for your future endeavours! |
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Post by lessingham on Aug 24, 2020 16:38:24 GMT -5
Somewhere in the last week I no longer gave a stuff about sex with my wife. Liberation or resignation?
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Post by Handy on Aug 24, 2020 18:25:34 GMT -5
Lessingham
Liberation or resignation? It can be both. Going with resignation first, you are at the stage where you know it isn't going to happen so you do not expect anything to go your way, so you quit expecting. One counselor told me having no expectations is one way to avoid or reduce dashed hopes. Going the no expectations route was supposed to be some form of Buddhist practice to reduced my frustrations and my depression level. Liberation, well you are less likely to put in the effort to influence your W's sexual interest in you. It can become similar to not having to make a car payment in the work category. It reduced the egg-shell walking, careful to not say anything your W might consider upsetting. I used to do so much to try to keep the W happy. Now I don't put in the effort it took to hopefully get the ball rolling and the effort to frequently smooth things in her life so she would hopefully be happier (yes-co dependency). Now when things take a dump or go bad I just let it happen and work on corrections when I can and when I see a way to go about recovery.
In bicycle riding over rough terrain it is called "picking a line." You decide how to ride your bike and which path to ride around rocks and tree roots or what else is in in your path. Now I pick my "line" and I quit looking or being concerned about finding a "line" for my W to make her life easier. It is similar to watching and fixing my side of the street, Baza talks about.
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Post by baza on Aug 24, 2020 18:51:14 GMT -5
"If" you really have reached the point where you "no longer gave a stuff about sex with (your) wife" Brother lessingham , that's one layer of complexity out of the way. It is one less "why" to chase over the horizon and back. One less hoop to jump through. One less thing tying you in to your ILIASM deal. It is also a good bit of self knowledge for you to have. What - if anything - you might now choose to do in light of that new piece of self knowledge, is up to you. |
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