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Post by Handy on Jun 16, 2020 17:37:47 GMT -5
Saarinista Just stick to this forum, Handy. This is the best one. That is a big 10-4, good buddy. CSL, it was a "Midlife Crisis" forum. midlifeclubforum.com/I started reading it to see what happens after a split and I was trying to avoid some of the potential problems caused by divorce.
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Post by carl on Jun 20, 2020 3:44:22 GMT -5
carl , group consensus is interesting but probably irrelevant. For one, we’re likely of a different mindset. For another, the standard she holds you to is based on *her* definition of infidelity, not what we or society say. For her, maybe infidelity only includes penetrative sex. Or maybe it means having regular casual conversations and a friendship bond. It’s a spectrum, and she’s likely to be on the more possessive end if she knows she isn’t meeting your needs, because she’ll see it as a threat. Oh yes. I would bet a lot of money that DryCreek is spot on here. carl your wife is very likely to have zero tolerance whatsoever of any contact with any female over sixteen and under ninety. This is absolutely because she knows full well that you are unfulfilled in your marriage and also why this is the case. Back when I gave a damn I was very sanguine about my H’s activities with other females because I knew that he was happy in our marriage and that he has a great deal of integrity. Despite this I would have little tolerance for much past a platonic hug or arm in arm thing. I doubt he would either. You’re not far off when you talk about zero tolerance. Sometimes I wonder why she should even care though. So she goes to some lengths not to close to me but wouldn’t like the idea of me being close to another woman. What could be the thinking behind that ?
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Post by carl on Jun 20, 2020 3:54:47 GMT -5
I was on a forum for a while and a majority of the other posters were female. When it came to fidelity, the women on that forum said that an emotional affair was worse than a sexual affair. So, a H talking about personal stuff with another woman was a BIG deal for the women on that forum. Some women asked me why men talk to other women about personal issues so I listed a few reasons why. Some replies were polite and some were accusatory. For me that forum became a place where I was criticized. It did start out friendly but after a while it wasn't a place where I wanted to read or post. The web site owner writes relationship books and quoted some of my post (permission given) so she sent me a copy of her latest book. Yes that is what I was getting at. When I spoke about infidelity. I don’t really know where I stand on an emotional affair. But for some people it’s quite clear that it’s considered to be a breach of trust and I can see that point of view. But what actually constitutes an emotional affair ?
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 20, 2020 9:32:13 GMT -5
Yes that is what I was getting at. When I spoke about infidelity. I don’t really know where I stand on an emotional affair. But for some people it’s quite clear that it’s considered to be a breach of trust and I can see that point of view. But what actually constitutes an emotional affair ? I may not be able to use words to define it, but I know it when I see it.....Justice Potter Stewart in a ruling on porn. Perhaps the same could be said about an emotional affair.
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Post by isthisit on Jun 20, 2020 10:08:25 GMT -5
Oh yes. I would bet a lot of money that DryCreek is spot on here. carl your wife is very likely to have zero tolerance whatsoever of any contact with any female over sixteen and under ninety. This is absolutely because she knows full well that you are unfulfilled in your marriage and also why this is the case. Back when I gave a damn I was very sanguine about my H’s activities with other females because I knew that he was happy in our marriage and that he has a great deal of integrity. Despite this I would have little tolerance for much past a platonic hug or arm in arm thing. I doubt he would either. You’re not far off when you talk about zero tolerance. Sometimes I wonder why she should even care though. So she goes to some lengths not to close to me but wouldn’t like the idea of me being close to another woman. What could be the thinking behind that ? I would say that’s pretty easy. If I were being sceptical I may think that your W is simply protecting her investment in you. You have described a history where your W contributes little financially yet has huge expectations of her lifestyle which you are expected to provide because she wears your wedding band. I know you have worked exceptionally hard to provide your W with her wants in life. In addition to her lifestyle expectations your W knows full well that she can have no concern for your wellbeing, needs (sexual and otherwise perhaps?) and happiness and you will do nothing to change the status quo. So, W has everything she wants and nothing she does not, so of course she will protect this at all costs. I imagine she fears you establishing any relationship with a female who may meet your needs and threaten her sweet deal. This sounds really harsh I know, and I hope this is mitigated a little with some underlying love and appreciation for you which has gotten lost amongst the entitlement and selfishness. Make your move and you are likely to find out.
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Post by isthisit on Jun 20, 2020 10:12:51 GMT -5
Oh yes. I would bet a lot of money that DryCreek is spot on here. carl your wife is very likely to have zero tolerance whatsoever of any contact with any female over sixteen and under ninety. This is absolutely because she knows full well that you are unfulfilled in your marriage and also why this is the case. Back when I gave a damn I was very sanguine about my H’s activities with other females because I knew that he was happy in our marriage and that he has a great deal of integrity. Despite this I would have little tolerance for much past a platonic hug or arm in arm thing. I doubt he would either. I often wonder if I would still feel as possessive if I were 100% comfortable in a sexual relationship. Hopefully I’ll be able to put that to the test one day. Today, I know for sure I’m not willing to share a man I’m intimate with. Platonic discussions aside, of course. isthisit - I recall you told us about a time when you offered to purchase a special massage for h while on a holiday. I’m not sure I could even do that. 🤷♀️. I consider possessiveness as one of my most negative traits- I am upfront about it, though. That’s right I did! I offered H a wife sanctioned pass for a two lady naked oily massage on holiday in Bangkok! I guess I was happy to do this because it did not represent an ongoing relationship, and a rather unique sexual experience I assumed most guys would want and I didn’t want him to miss out on. If it was available down our street I may have felt differently! Anyway he declined. 🤷🏻♀️
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Post by saarinista on Jun 20, 2020 10:47:14 GMT -5
carl what are you getting out of your marriage other than taken for a ride? I don't understand why men stay in these financially abusive, no emotion deals. Kids? Trust me, they know it's a train wreck.
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Post by flounder on Jun 22, 2020 21:21:48 GMT -5
Cheating Is A Relationship Killer, But Here Are 6 Things That Are Even Worse 1. Withholding affection 2. Constant lies 3. Being underappreciated 4. Extreme jealousy 5. Communication issues 6. Staying together for the wrong reasons I can relate to: 1, 3, 5, 6 Ditto.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 23, 2020 8:10:59 GMT -5
Oh yes. I would bet a lot of money that DryCreek is spot on here. carl your wife is very likely to have zero tolerance whatsoever of any contact with any female over sixteen and under ninety. This is absolutely because she knows full well that you are unfulfilled in your marriage and also why this is the case. Back when I gave a damn I was very sanguine about my H’s activities with other females because I knew that he was happy in our marriage and that he has a great deal of integrity. Despite this I would have little tolerance for much past a platonic hug or arm in arm thing. I doubt he would either. You’re not far off when you talk about zero tolerance. Sometimes I wonder why she should even care though. So she goes to some lengths not to close to me but wouldn’t like the idea of me being close to another woman. What could be the thinking behind that ? I think that power dynamics is behind some of this, Carl. If you are "hers" to do with as she pleases (take advantage of financially and disregard emotionally/sexually) then you are a status symbol of her identify, not a fully-fledged human deserving of respect and allowed space to meet your needs. If you befriend someone who has empathy for your feelings, this will undermine her power in your relationship as well as, perhaps, show you there is a different way for the genders to relate/exchange. Your W does not want this awareness to creep into your mind, and certainly not into your actual life experience. Emotional abusers rely on the isolation of the victim in order to control the scenario. While your W may not be an actual emotional abuser, this tactic is used by many to maintain a position of power in what was intended to be an equal partnership.
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Post by Handy on Jun 23, 2020 11:59:13 GMT -5
Saarinista Just stick to this forum, Handy. This is the best one. 😏😉
I think the Reddit dead bedrooms sub has some I interesting stuff, but it's not as intellectual and discerning as this one. We're high falutin' here!
I totally agree the ILIASM forum has much more depth than many other forums.
Some forums I have read only have a few replies to some very basic questions. Here we turn things over and look at it from many sides and replies are with several in depth thoughts and possible outcomes depending on the situation.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 25, 2020 5:04:14 GMT -5
carl what are you getting out of your marriage other than taken for a ride? I don't understand why men stay in these financially abusive, no emotion deals. Kids? Trust me, they know it's a train wreck. I've read many of Carl's posts. He is ironclad behind that wedding vow. (though iron rusts over time sometimes. No judging here, Carl, if ever you change your mind.) She may have let go of the "have and hold" part of the vow, but he's keeping his "forsaking all others" part. It's an honor thing with him. The leeching was always a possibility but he's no welsher. The "Sexless Marriage Struggle" podcast host has this going on. I've seen others post how they'd leave in an instant if their spouse cheated on them and some are confident that the spouse would do likewise. The world's slowest game of "chicken". Both hoping the other will be the "bad guy". More of the damage society does with the "monogamy at all costs" sentiment. I suspect refusers wanting to leave are the less common type, but refusers waiting for their spouses to succumb to their ordinary, natural impulses invite a special kind of horrified incredulity.
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