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Post by lessingham on Jun 11, 2020 10:51:56 GMT -5
I think when I found this site, I was trying to be a bit of a "unicorn", trying to find ways to stay in the marriage through coping strategies. I found there is a strong movement to either deal with the problem or divorce. This may or may not be true but it is what I took from it. I felt buffeted to consider leaving my marriage or deal with it. I ended up all over the place, at times considering leaving and other times no. I looked a right ditherer. I also found a forum where I could share my feelings and experiences and I over did it, dumping enotions and expecting sympathy. I came over as needy, a misery and a wimp. This was a selfish wrong. I will try to be more positive and less whiney as I search for solution
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 11, 2020 11:27:34 GMT -5
lessingham, I’d say your expectations were not wrong... the forum offers a sympathetic place to vent, as well as get guidance on coping or leaving. At the same time, feedback is also going to highlight where our own behaviors are contributing to the situation. In fact, this can be the most valuable feedback, because our own behaviors and expectations are the things we have the most control over. The challenge is in becoming introspective and open to considering this feedback. I’ll say that becoming more self-aware and introspective has been one of the most positive things that has come out of my own situation.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 11, 2020 13:25:35 GMT -5
You have nothing to apologize foe lessingham. Everyone brings something different to this forum. And everyone takes away something different depending on what the feed back says to you. For some members venting is part of the coming to grips with what the reality of your situation really is. And that is what I think most of the members try to communicate to each other and to new members. That however you do it you have to at some point recognize the truth of the fix you find yourself in. Once you can do that then you can set about making the decisions on what you are going to do. Stay or leave. The search for a solution or solutions can be consuming or it can be emancipating. Take what you need from the forum and leave the rest.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 11, 2020 13:35:26 GMT -5
What worksforme2 said: "That however you do it you have to at some point recognize the truth of the fix you find yourself in. "
In your situation, Lessingham, expecting your wife to treat you decently and to follow through on her sexual promises is unrealistic. Given her pattern of behavior that you've repeatedly posted about, there's no reason for you to be surprised by her cruel and withholding behaviors. Whether you choose to stay or leave is up to you, but expecting your wife to act differently is not reasonable. It's also unreasonable to expect us to agree with your assertion in one of your last previous posts that on the whole, you have a good marriage. It may, however, be better than what you visualize your life would be like if you were living alone in a bedsit. If so, accept your marriage as the better of two bad choices, and don't expect your wife's behavior to change for the better. You, however, can choose to remain in your marriage and improve your life by cultivating activities and friendships that enhance your life.
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Post by petrushka on Jun 11, 2020 16:39:16 GMT -5
What was important to me when I first landed on EP, the ancestor to this site, was to figure out, well, if I was going insane. Because I was hit with such a barrage of gaslighting and passive aggressive behaviour, I was seriously doubting myself. The first thing I saw how the same thing happens to others (here). The next thing is, I got into "why chasing", something many of us do here, or have done. However, the way I see the world and relationships and people, patterns are important, so by comparing my experiences to those of others here, patterns very quickly became apparent ... leading to seeing patterns of people trying to 'fix' things ... leading to patterns of all the beautiful suggestions outsiders come up with that Just Don't Work. (the only thing I myself had not tried was lighting the bacon-scented-candles in the bedroom). So that was the first thing I took away from here. Patterns in my mind that I formed that helped my understanding of what would not work. Of what reactions, what responses I might encounter, and how they would not help my situation. I found MY solution which was to sit down the wife, tell her that I was deeply unhappy, that my needs were not being met (needs, not wants), that I wasn't feeling respected, taken for granted as the janitor, cook, dishwasher but that there was not more, and that I could not see the relationship going on like this. My wife's not stupid, she laid her cards on the table (not interested in sex any more), and she's been working hard on the other. She gives me a good long cuddle every night, she thanks me for every meal I cook, no more gaslighting and the passive aggressive person only comes out when she's defensive over something or if she gets a fright. Ok. There's still a raft of things missing that I'd like, but well, we worked out a compromise of sorts. I have the option at my fingertips to say 'enough, thanks and good bye' or to stay and appreciate what I have. Clarity. So what's left here, on the site? For starters, I kind of felt like sharing both my experiences so others could compare theirs to it - a process that helped my own understanding a lot. I certainly learned a lot about what to do, and what not to bother trying (doing the dishes more often does not lead to passionate sex). And we all need considerable emotional support when we're down in the dumps at the start of our journey, when we land in this place. So I tried to give some of that back. And, well, most of us end up with some spare time (the time we might otherwise be engaged in carnal delights or doing stuff with a partner who's not doing it) so might as well hang out here, engage in good conversation, make friends. I'm not so sure about the friends thing any more. I picked up a few over the years, but nearly all of them left. A few people managed to go beyond that and meet up and make Real Life friends - but that probably only works well if you're living within physical reach of each other, not a continent away. So I am slowly withdrawing as well ... occasionally pitch in with a comment or a joke. I guess I have to find friends closer to home. I think you can do all sorts here, lessingham. There's plenty of sympathy to be found, good and bad advice, and what works for one of us definitely doesn't work for all of us in terms of solutions of ways of coping. (for instance I decided I don't want or need bad sex - if I can't make passionate love to someone there's no point - I'd rather live sexless than give up goulash and become a vegetarian). The one thing that gets my goat here are people who don't do anything to fix things and then constantly come back here and then expect a pity party. Again, and again, and again. I've called out one or two and boy, did I unleash a storm of fury. Well, there are tools to blank them. Missionary zeal is something I am short of, I don't have enough time left to waste them on something like that. But always open to discussion, which is not the same ;-) Best
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Post by baza on Jun 11, 2020 18:46:19 GMT -5
This is a bit of a side-bar Brother lessingham , but I get the feeling that you (and the rest of us) needn't worry too much how people make use of this site. It appears to be in terminal decline, attracting very little in the way of new members, and not much in the way of new postings. It looks like it is going to just slowly wind down and pass into 'dead thread' territory. So in the meantime, post what you want .... and take out of it what you find useful.
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Post by sadkat on Jun 11, 2020 21:41:41 GMT -5
lessingham- welcome back. I’m glad you will continue to share your concerns with us here. I agree that you were becoming a bit whiny and were looking for sympathy. However, we all care about you here and, like members of a big family, some of us will tell you when you need a kick in the pants. I’ve not contributed much lately- mostly because I’m still trying to adjust to the major change I forced upon myself. I’m beyond grateful I found this forum. I met some very good people here. We’ve exchanged email addresses and phone numbers. They are my people and I couldn’t have accomplished what I did without them. I’m convinced these friendships will be long lasting, even if we are spread across the globe! We all need support; we all need a good kick in the pants, sometimes. For this reason, I truly hope this site stays active. Those of us who are active contributors need to continue to do so. If nothing else- for the sake of those who come along looking for answers. I also believe there are a lot of lurkers out there! That being said, I’ll tell you that I’m finding myself shifting. I can no longer relate well to the “stayers” and I can no longer find words of support. I find myself becoming a bit irritable over some of the posts. I believe it has more to do with the fact that I moved on. I’m doing the hard work of figuring myself out, of getting adjusted to being alone, of wondering what my future holds. The healing can sometimes be all-consuming and many times self centered. I don’t want to look back. Honestly, I can’t summon up the sympathy to support those who’ve decided to stay. I can 100% understand their decision but I can no longer support it. That’s a hard truth and I’m sorry for that. But it’s my current reality. So, you’ll seldom ( if ever) see any posts from me in the “choosing to stay” thread. My decision to leave was made shortly after I found this site. The driving force behind my decision was recognizing that I was turning into someone I didn’t like. I was hard and bitter; with very little emotional attachment to anyone with the exception of my son and my dog. My son went off to college and I lost my dog to dementia. I was headed to an early grave. I’ll venture to say that the Lessingham of old was not a whiner or a person looking for sympathy, either. Much of what you are experiencing is directly related to your present circumstances. Whether you stay or go is your decision. Look inside and ask yourself what you want the Lessingham of the future to be like? Then work to get yourself there. The rest will fall into place.
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Post by lessingham on Jun 12, 2020 1:52:46 GMT -5
That is a bit of a paradox. On one hand the end of the club no one wants to be a member of is a great thing. On the other hand I find this site full of really interesting people and stimulating debate. There are lots of cyber beers earned here. I agree the opinions and observations of outsiders also change perceptions. I myself wondervwhy I stay most times now. But today, the sun shines and the queue for the supermarket is quite short so it is a good start to the day.
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Post by isthisit on Jun 12, 2020 10:01:31 GMT -5
This is a bit of a side-bar Brother lessingham , but I get the feeling that you (and the rest of us) needn't worry too much how people make use of this site. It appears to be in terminal decline, attracting very little in the way of new members, and not much in the way of new postings. It looks like it is going to just slowly wind down and pass into 'dead thread' territory. So in the meantime, post what you want .... and take out of it what you find useful. I am reluctantly in agreement with this assessment of this forum. I feel a huge debt of gratitude to the community here both past and present. I doubt I would have made it out without the clarity of thinking I achieved so quickly when I read the wisdom and experiences here. I aim to give back as best I can but am at loss to know how best to revive the discourse, yet do not wish to simply watch the decline. I am out and on the road to recovery (I think) but I have concerns for those who follow and wish to provide a place for them to gain understanding, support and belief that better is within their grasp either in or out.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 12, 2020 11:37:53 GMT -5
I believe the decline in use now is due to the pandemic and other major problems that many people are worried about now. Lack of marital sex pales as a problem compared to trying to avoid a deadly disease or worrying about finances when one’s income is reduced or may be reduced due to the pandemic.
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Post by saarinista on Jun 12, 2020 13:43:57 GMT -5
I've never viewed this forum as a massive Internet draw. People who post here are exceptionally thoughtful, committed and have unusually high tolerances for pain, I believe! That doesn't describe most people, but it seems to describe me and so I keep coming. Here. 🙄🤔😏
I am curious-is someone (whoever that someone might be) paying a fee to keep this thing online? I guess I assumed it was a free advertiser supported thing. Am I wrong?
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Post by jim44444 on Jun 12, 2020 15:47:13 GMT -5
I've never viewed this forum as a massive Internet draw. People who post here are exceptionally thoughtful, committed and have unusually high tolerances for pain, I believe! That doesn't describe most people, but it seems to describe me and so I keep coming. Here. 🙄🤔😏 I am curious-is someone (whoever that someone might be) paying a fee to keep this thing online? I guess I assumed it was a free advertiser supported thing. Am I wrong? See this post about support link
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Post by Handy on Jun 12, 2020 18:02:59 GMT -5
I was on another forum on this Pro-Boards group in 2010. Back then it was free to use so I expect the income comes from companies collecting data from every user. I have a data collection app I use and every time I come on to ILIASM there are 3 companies logging what I do on the forum. 1. Google-Analytics.com 2. Api-viglink.com 3. Something to do with facebook And my tracker app blocked 16 and 21 and more companies of some sort.
My tracker app also counts the cookies and adds that get sent to my computer.
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