|
Post by sadkat on May 29, 2020 21:13:10 GMT -5
In my marriage, it was overwhelmingly C- At great expense to me. In the future, I hope to be able to do more of A.
|
|
|
Post by ScottDinTN on May 30, 2020 1:01:34 GMT -5
I expressed my love and was rejected for too many years. I finally admitted she will never change and I couldn't take another rejection. So now hold it all in but refuse giving any contact or loving expression to her. Its better than being rejected and I can't fake loving her now that the switch has flipped in my heart.
|
|
|
Post by bozodeclowne on Jun 1, 2020 14:25:46 GMT -5
A/C
Looking back, I probably spent much of the last 15yrs holding it all in. That was a mistake. At least with an explicit rejection, you can make an honest choice to stay/go. There is no ambiguity, no covert contracts and ensuing resentments.
|
|
|
Post by workingonit on Jun 5, 2020 18:23:51 GMT -5
I would rather just be rejected out right. I have no interest in games or holding it in
|
|
|
Post by flyingsolo on Jun 10, 2020 15:18:44 GMT -5
Life is too short to hold it in so if you want to have a fighting chance at fixing anything, I believe you need to try and never give up trying. In my mind and probably a vast oversimplification, there are two types of sexless marriages - ones that were good and sex-filled (or at least enough sex to keep both parties somewhat happy) originally and something happened to change that and ones that have always been sexless. I believe you can absolutely fix the first if your partner is committed to fixing it also, but are probably unlikely to fix the second if being sexless is a problem for you and/or your spouse.
Personally, I fall into the first camp. My sex life with my wife was pretty good for years until kids came into the picture. Then I started a business, we went through some deaths in the family, health issues, an affair, etc. Bottom line, we grew apart and before we knew it, we were on opposite sides of a wide chasm a decade plus in the making. Sex for her wasn't (and still isn't) an option because we didn't have the emotional bond. As angry and sad as it made me and sometimes still makes me, I can see how we got where we are. During this process, I've counted my marriage down and out at least three times because it's been virtually sexless for ten years and absolutely completely devoid of sex for the past three. However, as crazy as it seems, I see a very bright light at the end of the tunnel (and no, it isn't a train!). We've been in counseling for three years (off and on) and seemed to be making small steps of progress, but were still stuck in the ruts of past anger, resentment, fears, etc. We've begun to make some significant progress on those issues and are now working to speed up the progress on resolving some of those issues. Things are starting to trend in the right direction. We are dating again and making time to do more things together. She is starting to listen to the things that I have expressed are important to me and vice versa. Sex isn't on the menu now, but I can see she is starting to be more open to the idea of us reconnecting on that front as well. I am not pushing on that as I think she still needs some time to get there, but I am working on reconnecting us the best I can and I see she is trying as well, which gives me hope.
If we don't get back there, at least I know we both tried. Sitting in silence and internalizing the suffering would be excruciating, especially if you have attempted to raise your concerns and the pain you are dealing with to your spouse and they have ignored you. I would ask that if you are in that position, please talk to someone so you aren't stuck in limbo. Move forward with your life and be the best person you can be. If there are no signs it will ever get better, you owe it to yourself to be happy.
|
|
kay
New Member
Posts: 2
|
Post by kay on Jun 16, 2020 17:23:31 GMT -5
I am struggling with this very thing right now. I have made many attempts, to understand, change, add, try to listen, speak, speak louder, all over like a two year period. Now I’m just sitting, pondering, working everything over and over. Right now I’m just like Hachiko. I wait. Unlike Hachiko, I won’t sit here forever.
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Jun 16, 2020 17:47:45 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by flyingsolo on Jun 17, 2020 10:49:55 GMT -5
I am struggling with this very thing right now. I have made many attempts, to understand, change, add, try to listen, speak, speak louder, all over like a two year period. Now I’m just sitting, pondering, working everything over and over. Right now I’m just like Hachiko. I wait. Unlike Hachiko, I won’t sit here forever. Tell your spouse exactly how disconnected you feel (in a loving way, not an angry one) and ask what they believe you could do so they feel more connected to you - i.e. what do they need from you for your relationship to evolve from where it is now? If they can answer that question, see if it's something you can work on together. Also offer what you feel you need from them to be more connected if they ask (or don't ask), it's up to you. If either of you can't or won't answer that question, it might be time to see a professional if you are interested in saving your marriage. They key is not to turn it into a argument. Arguments tend to spiral into a stalemate which doesn't resolve anything and just creates more hard feelings and animosity. It should be a frank and loving discussion of how you can move your relationship forward. Any loving couple should want that.
|
|