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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2020 14:47:58 GMT -5
I've been away from the forum for a while, putting my life back together. Admittedly, I kind of put this all out of my mind since I'm not in a SM anymore, but I get the notifications and such and saw something that mentioned PTSD for SM survivors and, well, guess it put the thought in my head that just because my marriage is over doesn't mean I'm healed and ready to start over. Ready to start over? Ha! The thought terrifies me. Quite frankly I've been wondering if I will ever be able to see myself with anyone other than my husband (ex-husband, I mean ... wow, yes, I still find myself calling him my husband ... smh), if I will ever be able to open myself up and trust anyone again after how badly I've been hurt. I survived almost 9 years with him. I made it to the other side and am now free again. But my heart and my psyche are still not 'over it' I can tell. It's early, very early still, I know, but .... I don't know, I'm questioning my sanity a little today and thought I would hop back on and vent to those whom I know understand exactly what I'm going through and where I'm at right now.
Backside catch-up for those who don't remember and to bring all current: I knew the marriage was over in October '19, papers were signed the end of October, he moved out by Thanksgiving, and the divorce was final mid-December. I sold my home of 14 years (heartbreakingly to get out of debt) in early April and my kids and I moved into an apartment in mid-April. It's been a month now in our new place. It is quite comfortable and we're all settling in nicely. Most of the time I don't miss my home, and I don't miss my husband. My day-to-day tasks have been as a single person for 6 months now. Again, most of the time, I'm okay, have no regrets of my decision to end the marriage, and am enjoying my life and not having to run anything by anyone else. Every now and then, though (like today) I wonder what my future holds. Did I make the right decision? I cannot fathom dating anyone. I haven't even begun to entertain the idea of going on a dating site. I've no desire to be in a relationship with anyone right now. My EX, however was on a dating site before he even moved out of the house. At present, he's on 3 dating sites and actively dating ... actively searching. How do I know this? He hasn't removed me from his checking account so I can still see all of his transactions. I see the payments for the dating sites. I see the dinners for 2 with whatever random lady he has stumbled across for the night. I see what bills he is paying and I see what he is not paying. Most of the time, I ignore it and don't 'spy'. Other times, curiosity gets the best of me and I wonder ... has he really changed? Is he actually taking responsibility for his finances now or is he the same old person I knew him to be? Last night I noticed he was out of town, somewhere I wasn't familiar with. This morning I see he's out of state. Somewhere he's not supposed to be driving through due to a license issue. He loves his roadtrips and clearly took one this weekend. That bothered me a little, but I try to sluff it off. He's with someone or went to see someone. He did that before he met me (traveled all over just to 'find' someone). On one hand this is all good for me to see, it's healthy because it reinforces what I always suspected .... that he never loved ME, he just didn't want to be alone. So all these dating sites, etc., reinforce for me that I was right, he doesn't want to be alone, and will do whatever to replace me and find someone else to lay next to him at night. I know he will pour on the charm, be fun and carefree, look oh-so-good and seem like the best find ever, until he settles in, feels he has you hooked, and then retreats back into his bottle of vodka and computer filled with porn, and ignores her as he did me.
My head knows all of this. I guess my question is, when will my heart finally accept it? When I will stop crying over songs I hear that make me think of him ... of what might have been? When will I be able to even contemplate the idea of maybe one day dating someone else? I don't want to now but I'm a little concerned about how vehemently I shut down the idea as a possibility in the future, like there's something seriously scarred and broken within me now. I'm still seeing a therapist and believe me she will hear all about this at our session next week. But for those of you out and on the other side of your SM .... any words of advice for me? I'm doing my best to just feel my feelings, process everything, learn from my mistakes, and JUST BE. There's just something nagging at me today that I can't shake, something that makes me thinks I haven't accepted and haven't fully let him go, and, well, I'm a little concerned that that's probably all true and I've no idea how to get there. I know I have to let go. I know I have to accept that he simply cannot be for me what I need him to be. I have to not take his furious efforts to replace me personally as I know he's only doing what he knows how to do and is only thinking about himself (which is also all he knows how to do). It still stings. Sigh .... again, it's just one of those days. I'm sad today. I'm hurt today. I'm a little lonely today. All those feelings are okay to feel, too, I know. I guess I just needed to vent them all safely here among those of you who understand. Thank you for listening (reading! lol!) and for whatever suggestions of hope you can give me. I'm serious when I say I'm really ok most days and glad to be free of that painful nightmare I was living, but I'm just so confused about how - if it's really so much better now - it can still hurt so badly some days.
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Post by saarinista on May 16, 2020 18:11:56 GMT -5
I am sure it is difficult to leave your SM. There's no guarantee you will find anyone better. Or anyone at all.
I commend you for being brave enough to leave and live with integrity. At least now you have hope for something better. And if someone comes along, you are ready to engage.
Hand in there and keep us posted. You're braver than I am.
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Post by baza on May 16, 2020 19:15:14 GMT -5
I think Sister @elle would be a great resource for you to plug in to Sister @whynotm3 .
She's been through a very similar situation to what you are dealing with (she's probably about 2 years ahead of you)
Hopefully she'll weigh in on your post, and I bet the ILIASM Sisters will contribute some helpful stuff for you too.
I think you are actually doing really well (though I doubt you'd agree at this very moment !)
You have negotiated your way out of the BIG problem of being in an ILIASM shithole, and that is a HUGE thing to have done.
Time is now your friend.
As it passes, I reckon you'll be thinking about your ex and his adventures less and less, and thinking about yourself and your future more and more.
You are doing well Sister @whynotm3 - and you are going to do even better.
Stick with your process, stick with sorting out your own shit.
The outcome(s) will look after themself.
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Post by sadkat on May 16, 2020 20:27:50 GMT -5
I’m so sorry you are having a sad day @whynotm3. You and I are following the same timeline, it seems. The sadness and loneliness comes and goes. I’ve also experienced times where I wondered if I did the right thing. It took me by surprise because I was so sure about my path when I left. I’ve discovered that taking one day at a time is the best thing to do. Weather the bad days and enjoy the good ones. It’s really the only thing we can do as we heal and try to figure out what we want to do with the rest of our lives. There are no guarantees and we truly must give ourselves the time to accept the fact we may remain alone for the long term. Life certainly has a way of throwing a few curves, though! Hang in there!
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2020 21:12:19 GMT -5
Thank you for the reassurances (and for the chuckle and visual of a bicep hickey padgemi). I guess that's really what I needed to hear ... that I am right where I'm supposed to be despite fearing my EX permanently broke me. At least that's what I "think" I heard you all say. lol! Some days are definitely better than others and most really are peaceful with no regrets. Today was just one of those days when the waves crashed over me. Luckily I made it through with a little help from my friends, still sober, without having binge eaten the entire house, and - more importantly to me at the moment - without having reached out to my EX and done something stupid like saying I missed him and wanted him to come home. I miss the 'idea' of him. I love the 'idea' of being married again. I am 100% certain though those two do not go together. Deep breaths for me and I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and continue to try and find my joy again. I stumbled across a picture of me BEFORE I met my ex (but after my 1st divorce). THAT was my bliss. That was my joy. That lady in that picture is the me I'm in search of. I remember what it felt like to be her. I'd worked so hard to find her, then little by little I shoved her aside so I could make this man my world; this man who wasn't really 'with me' when we were married and who started to try and replace me before he even moved out of my house. With a little more time, yes, and with that visual to strive towards (of the old me, not the bicep hickey! lol!), I will be ok. And maybe, just maybe I will get to a place where I'm ready to open my heart up again to someone else, but I know now is not that time. It's all still too raw and I'm still far from healed.
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Post by isthisit on May 17, 2020 12:53:17 GMT -5
I am sorry that you are experiencing such a bumpy time @whynotm3 but I wanted you to know that I recognise much of what you describe. Despite being very sure that I wanted to move on I similarly had moments where I longed for the stability of my previous life. It is hard and confusing. I am around a year and a half out now and those thoughts are a lot less frequent these days.
I adopted a very similar tack as you, to slowly and gently heal myself both from the split and also to come to terms with the choices I had made in staying for so long when I knew I was unhappy. It is worthwhile work.
I also feared that I was damaged to the extent that I would be so fearful of making another mistake that I would not be able to comfortably and confidently invest in another relationship. I am happy to tell you that these fears were unfounded. I remain just the person I have always been. She was hidden for a good while there, but my patience and investment in working through my marital baggage ensure that when I came across someone rather lovely I was able to be exactly me again. Despite a prolonged SM which is like kryptonite for your self esteem I was astonished to find that he really rather likes me. And I like me too.
You will find yourself, your work will be worthwhile and you will find happiness in your future, with or without a relationship. Hang tight, you are doing fine.
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2020 19:00:58 GMT -5
I am sorry that you are experiencing such a bumpy time @whynotm3 but I wanted you to know that I recognise much of what you describe. Despite being very sure that I wanted to move on I similarly had moments where I longed for the stability of my previous life. It is hard and confusing. I am around a year and a half out now and those thoughts are a lot less frequent these days. I adopted a very similar tack as you, to slowly and gently heal myself both from the split and also to come to terms with the choices I had made in staying for so long when I knew I was unhappy. It is worthwhile work. I also feared that I was damaged to the extent that I would be so fearful of making another mistake that I would not be able to comfortably and confidently invest in another relationship. I am happy to tell you that these fears were unfounded. I remain just the person I have always been. She was hidden for a good while there, but my patience and investment in working through my marital baggage ensure that when I came across someone rather lovely I was able to be exactly me again. Despite a prolonged SM which is like kryptonite for your self esteem I was astonished to find that he really rather likes me. And I like me too. You will find yourself, your work will be worthwhile and you will find happiness in your future, with or without a relationship. Hang tight, you are doing fine. Thank you for the support and kind words isthisit. It definitely helps to hear how others have made it through to the other side. I wish you much happiness in your new journey! |
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Post by elynne on May 20, 2020 2:29:13 GMT -5
I've been away from the forum for a while, putting my life back together. Admittedly, I kind of put this all out of my mind since I'm not in a SM anymore, but I get the notifications and such and saw something that mentioned PTSD for SM survivors and, well, guess it put the thought in my head that just because my marriage is over doesn't mean I'm healed and ready to start over. Ready to start over? Ha! The thought terrifies me. Quite frankly I've been wondering if I will ever be able to see myself with anyone other than my husband (ex-husband, I mean ... wow, yes, I still find myself calling him my husband ... smh), if I will ever be able to open myself up and trust anyone again after how badly I've been hurt. I survived almost 9 years with him. I made it to the other side and am now free again. But my heart and my psyche are still not 'over it' I can tell. It's early, very early still, I know, but .... I don't know, I'm questioning my sanity a little today and thought I would hop back on and vent to those whom I know understand exactly what I'm going through and where I'm at right now. Backside catch-up for those who don't remember and to bring all current: I knew the marriage was over in October '19, papers were signed the end of October, he moved out by Thanksgiving, and the divorce was final mid-December. I sold my home of 14 years (heartbreakingly to get out of debt) in early April and my kids and I moved into an apartment in mid-April. It's been a month now in our new place. It is quite comfortable and we're all settling in nicely. Most of the time I don't miss my home, and I don't miss my husband. My day-to-day tasks have been as a single person for 6 months now. Again, most of the time, I'm okay, have no regrets of my decision to end the marriage, and am enjoying my life and not having to run anything by anyone else. Every now and then, though (like today) I wonder what my future holds. Did I make the right decision? I cannot fathom dating anyone. I haven't even begun to entertain the idea of going on a dating site. I've no desire to be in a relationship with anyone right now. My EX, however was on a dating site before he even moved out of the house. At present, he's on 3 dating sites and actively dating ... actively searching. How do I know this? He hasn't removed me from his checking account so I can still see all of his transactions. I see the payments for the dating sites. I see the dinners for 2 with whatever random lady he has stumbled across for the night. I see what bills he is paying and I see what he is not paying. Most of the time, I ignore it and don't 'spy'. Other times, curiosity gets the best of me and I wonder ... has he really changed? Is he actually taking responsibility for his finances now or is he the same old person I knew him to be? Last night I noticed he was out of town, somewhere I wasn't familiar with. This morning I see he's out of state. Somewhere he's not supposed to be driving through due to a license issue. He loves his roadtrips and clearly took one this weekend. That bothered me a little, but I try to sluff it off. He's with someone or went to see someone. He did that before he met me (traveled all over just to 'find' someone). On one hand this is all good for me to see, it's healthy because it reinforces what I always suspected .... that he never loved ME, he just didn't want to be alone. So all these dating sites, etc., reinforce for me that I was right, he doesn't want to be alone, and will do whatever to replace me and find someone else to lay next to him at night. I know he will pour on the charm, be fun and carefree, look oh-so-good and seem like the best find ever, until he settles in, feels he has you hooked, and then retreats back into his bottle of vodka and computer filled with porn, and ignores her as he did me. My head knows all of this. I guess my question is, when will my heart finally accept it? When I will stop crying over songs I hear that make me think of him ... of what might have been? When will I be able to even contemplate the idea of maybe one day dating someone else? I don't want to now but I'm a little concerned about how vehemently I shut down the idea as a possibility in the future, like there's something seriously scarred and broken within me now. I'm still seeing a therapist and believe me she will hear all about this at our session next week. But for those of you out and on the other side of your SM .... any words of advice for me? I'm doing my best to just feel my feelings, process everything, learn from my mistakes, and JUST BE. There's just something nagging at me today that I can't shake, something that makes me thinks I haven't accepted and haven't fully let him go, and, well, I'm a little concerned that that's probably all true and I've no idea how to get there. I know I have to let go. I know I have to accept that he simply cannot be for me what I need him to be. I have to not take his furious efforts to replace me personally as I know he's only doing what he knows how to do and is only thinking about himself (which is also all he knows how to do). It still stings. Sigh .... again, it's just one of those days. I'm sad today. I'm hurt today. I'm a little lonely today. All those feelings are okay to feel, too, I know. I guess I just needed to vent them all safely here among those of you who understand. Thank you for listening (reading! lol!) and for whatever suggestions of hope you can give me. I'm serious when I say I'm really ok most days and glad to be free of that painful nightmare I was living, but I'm just so confused about how - if it's really so much better now - it can still hurt so badly some days. I wish I could just give you a big hug right now and sit with you on the couch and cry about how fucking unfair it all is! And it sucks. Having to be so courageous and strong and independent is freakin hard. And you can be so proud of yourself. But it doesn’t make it fun. Your ex sounds a bit like mine. He now has a new girlfriend. She’s cute and kind and cheerful. I like her. But initially it really hurt to know he had moved on. What did she have that I didn’t have? Why can he be nice to her when he couldn’t be nice to me? The real answers: What she has that I don’t have? A lesson she still unfortunately needs to learn. And it’s a painful one. Some people, no matter how pretty the package may be, aren’t able to let you love them. They’d rather destroy your spirit than let you in. I hope she’s wiser than I was. Stronger. That she learns more quickly and gets out sooner. There’s always the slim chance that he’s learned to be kinder and more loving. But I wouldn’t put money on it. But here’s the critical thing. When you were married your life revolves around thinking about him. What might make him happy? What might get you a word of praise or affection? How could you connect? How can you get him to engage? To notice you? To give you some crumb of acknowledgement. It becomes all encompassing. 90% of your waking moments probably revolves around him in some way. Your brain has learned these pathways and you’ve got to retrain it. First step is remove yourself from his checking account. The amount of psychological energy spent on not looking and avoiding the temptation to check up on him is better spent in other things! Step two is every time your mind wanders to what he may be doing, who he may be seeing, how he is. Stop. Acknowledge that you’ve done it. And then remind yourself that he’s been completely focused on his happiness his entire life. You were entirely focused on his happiness for 9 years. Sweetheart! It’s your turn. Each time you find yourself thinking about him, use it as a reminder to think about what would make you happy. Come up with lists. Ideas. Silly things. Important things. Anything! I found that my hyperfocus on my ex crowded out the space for me to think about what I liked. What I wanted. What I enjoyed. I had completely forgotten to listen to myself. Truth be told - now that I’ve gotten to know myself better, I’m found I’m much better company than he ever was! He’s kind of an asshole. And I’m really nice 😂 I think it must be pretty miserable to be my ex. He’s not a happy person. While I’ve only become happier over the 9 months since my divorce was final. So handle and acknowledge your feelings. Accept them. And then change your focus from him to you. It’ll take time. You’ll forget. But keep at it. Little by little you’ll improve. It gets easier. And there are some really good guys out there. When you’re ready. My current partner played a big role in my healing. He listens. He loves cuddling and hugging. We kiss often. And he lets me feel whatever I’m feeling without judgement. If he hurts my feelings unintentionally, he listens and then apologizes. And he doesn’t ever hurt me intentionally or vindictively. It’s scary at first! But worth it. |
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2020 8:11:24 GMT -5
I've been away from the forum for a while, putting my life back together. Admittedly, I kind of put this all out of my mind since I'm not in a SM anymore, but I get the notifications and such and saw something that mentioned PTSD for SM survivors and, well, guess it put the thought in my head that just because my marriage is over doesn't mean I'm healed and ready to start over. Ready to start over? Ha! The thought terrifies me. Quite frankly I've been wondering if I will ever be able to see myself with anyone other than my husband (ex-husband, I mean ... wow, yes, I still find myself calling him my husband ... smh), if I will ever be able to open myself up and trust anyone again after how badly I've been hurt. I survived almost 9 years with him. I made it to the other side and am now free again. But my heart and my psyche are still not 'over it' I can tell. It's early, very early still, I know, but .... I don't know, I'm questioning my sanity a little today and thought I would hop back on and vent to those whom I know understand exactly what I'm going through and where I'm at right now. Backside catch-up for those who don't remember and to bring all current: I knew the marriage was over in October '19, papers were signed the end of October, he moved out by Thanksgiving, and the divorce was final mid-December. I sold my home of 14 years (heartbreakingly to get out of debt) in early April and my kids and I moved into an apartment in mid-April. It's been a month now in our new place. It is quite comfortable and we're all settling in nicely. Most of the time I don't miss my home, and I don't miss my husband. My day-to-day tasks have been as a single person for 6 months now. Again, most of the time, I'm okay, have no regrets of my decision to end the marriage, and am enjoying my life and not having to run anything by anyone else. Every now and then, though (like today) I wonder what my future holds. Did I make the right decision? I cannot fathom dating anyone. I haven't even begun to entertain the idea of going on a dating site. I've no desire to be in a relationship with anyone right now. My EX, however was on a dating site before he even moved out of the house. At present, he's on 3 dating sites and actively dating ... actively searching. How do I know this? He hasn't removed me from his checking account so I can still see all of his transactions. I see the payments for the dating sites. I see the dinners for 2 with whatever random lady he has stumbled across for the night. I see what bills he is paying and I see what he is not paying. Most of the time, I ignore it and don't 'spy'. Other times, curiosity gets the best of me and I wonder ... has he really changed? Is he actually taking responsibility for his finances now or is he the same old person I knew him to be? Last night I noticed he was out of town, somewhere I wasn't familiar with. This morning I see he's out of state. Somewhere he's not supposed to be driving through due to a license issue. He loves his roadtrips and clearly took one this weekend. That bothered me a little, but I try to sluff it off. He's with someone or went to see someone. He did that before he met me (traveled all over just to 'find' someone). On one hand this is all good for me to see, it's healthy because it reinforces what I always suspected .... that he never loved ME, he just didn't want to be alone. So all these dating sites, etc., reinforce for me that I was right, he doesn't want to be alone, and will do whatever to replace me and find someone else to lay next to him at night. I know he will pour on the charm, be fun and carefree, look oh-so-good and seem like the best find ever, until he settles in, feels he has you hooked, and then retreats back into his bottle of vodka and computer filled with porn, and ignores her as he did me. My head knows all of this. I guess my question is, when will my heart finally accept it? When I will stop crying over songs I hear that make me think of him ... of what might have been? When will I be able to even contemplate the idea of maybe one day dating someone else? I don't want to now but I'm a little concerned about how vehemently I shut down the idea as a possibility in the future, like there's something seriously scarred and broken within me now. I'm still seeing a therapist and believe me she will hear all about this at our session next week. But for those of you out and on the other side of your SM .... any words of advice for me? I'm doing my best to just feel my feelings, process everything, learn from my mistakes, and JUST BE. There's just something nagging at me today that I can't shake, something that makes me thinks I haven't accepted and haven't fully let him go, and, well, I'm a little concerned that that's probably all true and I've no idea how to get there. I know I have to let go. I know I have to accept that he simply cannot be for me what I need him to be. I have to not take his furious efforts to replace me personally as I know he's only doing what he knows how to do and is only thinking about himself (which is also all he knows how to do). It still stings. Sigh .... again, it's just one of those days. I'm sad today. I'm hurt today. I'm a little lonely today. All those feelings are okay to feel, too, I know. I guess I just needed to vent them all safely here among those of you who understand. Thank you for listening (reading! lol!) and for whatever suggestions of hope you can give me. I'm serious when I say I'm really ok most days and glad to be free of that painful nightmare I was living, but I'm just so confused about how - if it's really so much better now - it can still hurt so badly some days. I wish I could just give you a big hug right now and sit with you on the couch and cry about how fucking unfair it all is! And it sucks. Having to be so courageous and strong and independent is freakin hard. And you can be so proud of yourself. But it doesn’t make it fun. Your ex sounds a bit like mine. He now has a new girlfriend. She’s cute and kind and cheerful. I like her. But initially it really hurt to know he had moved on. What did she have that I didn’t have? Why can he be nice to her when he couldn’t be nice to me? The real answers: What she has that I don’t have? A lesson she still unfortunately needs to learn. And it’s a painful one. Some people, no matter how pretty the package may be, aren’t able to let you love them. They’d rather destroy your spirit than let you in. I hope she’s wiser than I was. Stronger. That she learns more quickly and gets out sooner. There’s always the slim chance that he’s learned to be kinder and more loving. But I wouldn’t put money on it. But here’s the critical thing. When you were married your life revolves around thinking about him. What might make him happy? What might get you a word of praise or affection? How could you connect? How can you get him to engage? To notice you? To give you some crumb of acknowledgement. It becomes all encompassing. 90% of your waking moments probably revolves around him in some way. Your brain has learned these pathways and you’ve got to retrain it. First step is remove yourself from his checking account. The amount of psychological energy spent on not looking and avoiding the temptation to check up on him is better spent in other things! Step two is every time your mind wanders to what he may be doing, who he may be seeing, how he is. Stop. Acknowledge that you’ve done it. And then remind yourself that he’s been completely focused on his happiness his entire life. You were entirely focused on his happiness for 9 years. Sweetheart! It’s your turn. Each time you find yourself thinking about him, use it as a reminder to think about what would make you happy. Come up with lists. Ideas. Silly things. Important things. Anything! I found that my hyperfocus on my ex crowded out the space for me to think about what I liked. What I wanted. What I enjoyed. I had completely forgotten to listen to myself. Truth be told - now that I’ve gotten to know myself better, I’m found I’m much better company than he ever was! He’s kind of an asshole. And I’m really nice 😂 I think it must be pretty miserable to be my ex. He’s not a happy person. While I’ve only become happier over the 9 months since my divorce was final. So handle and acknowledge your feelings. Accept them. And then change your focus from him to you. It’ll take time. You’ll forget. But keep at it. Little by little you’ll improve. It gets easier. And there are some really good guys out there. When you’re ready. My current partner played a big role in my healing. He listens. He loves cuddling and hugging. We kiss often. And he lets me feel whatever I’m feeling without judgement. If he hurts my feelings unintentionally, he listens and then apologizes. And he doesn’t ever hurt me intentionally or vindictively. It’s scary at first! But worth it. ... Oh my ... wow ... you spoke my truth, my life so perfectly! How I do love this safe space to vent. So many of you truly understand. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for taking the time to reply as you did. You made me cry. Your words spot on in so many ways. My focus on him - (What might make him happy? What might get you a word of praise or affection? How could you connect? How can you get him to engage? To notice you? To give you some crumb of acknowledgement.) - neared obsession! I didn't even realize just how much time I spent 'obsessing' over him until he got arrested in September and was in jail for 30 days. That was the final straw for me. But about a week or so into his 30 days out of the house I realized, while standing in the kitchen one night, how much more at peace I felt. It dawned on me that so many of my usual 'What is he doing? What does he want?' thoughts hadn't entered my brain. I suppose b/c I knew exactly where he was and exactly what he wasn't doing. lol! It was then I realized how much of my life revolved around him and the dysfunction that was him and our marriage. I know that peace now. Most days I have that as I don't dwell on him like that anymore. It's just those occasional days when I let my mind (and heart) wander backwards. I, too, think about him starting new relationships and wonder if it will be different with someone else. Was it really me? My insecurities think, maybe? My gut says no. My gut says as you said, that whomever he charms next will eventually see who he really is. The facade will fade as he gets comfortable again, just as it did with me. There's only so much he can give. He's not a horrible guy by any means, but with flaws unaddressed and scars unhealed, there's only so much love someone with that baggage can give. You said you think your ex is a pretty miserable person. I think mine tries hard to put on that happy, strong front, but deep down I know he is lonely. I know being single was the absolute last thing he ever wanted to be again, so I know that drives him onto all those dating sites. I know his pride is large and he won't let anyone see just how hurt and lonely he is. I know him better than probably anyone else; maybe even better than he knows himself. So I know the pain he is running from. The truly sad part is, is that I loved him so much I would have faced all of that with him and helped him through it. I offered and tried countless times. He didn't want it. Now it's not my problem anymore. Had you been here next to me reading your kind words, you would have seen the room light up with my smile when I read, "Sweetheart! It’s your turn." Yes, it is! Little by little, day by day I am learning to focus on me. I've more than mastered my people-pleasing skills and constantly am trying to retrain my brain to not worry about what others think of what I'm doing (or not doing) and just figure out what I want. Looking within me and finding myself again, instead of looking around, outside of myself and doing what I 'think' is expected of me or what I "think" I should be doing. I'm amazed to see how many times I still start to wonder first what I'm expected to do, instead of what I want to do. Baby steps, there I suppose. I exhaled deeply after reading that and again thank you. I found much comfort in your words. I found some more strength in your words. And yes, while this sucks and it is so hard to be strong and walk away, I do believe the peace I'm discovering will be more than payoff enough for the work I'm putting in. Many thanks. I wish you well on your journey and years of happiness with your new partner. That, too, gives me hope. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 20, 2020 10:06:19 GMT -5
Allow me to sit across from the couch,on the love seat,and give you encouragement!
I've been divorced 2 yrs now. On my own,and still struggling with putting myself first. My adult son lives with me. He stays isolated due to his recovery from his bi-polar. He showed me 2 tickets and 2 warnings he got the other day. He let his insurance and tags expire.They took his license and his plates.
I drove him to work over the weekend. I laid out for him the first 3 things he needed to do. Who, when, where, and why. The ball is in HIS court now.
Yesterday my boss asked me if I could work longer? I was so happy! I am ALWAYS wanting more hours. (covid 19 cut my already short hours in half)
However...I thought about my son? Did he need a ride to work? I hadn't heard from him that day, or the day before? I asked about his schedule? I got an unacceptable answer..." I think I might, possibly be working Tues. and Wed.?"
I stayed and received an extra 5 hrs .of work, and will probably be called in today (Wed.)
I called my woman, who was at my house and told her my good news. She gives me encouragement! She tells me " good for you! That's what you wanted, that's wonderful!. Your son? haven't heard from him all day, good thing you stayed at work!"
When I arrived home from work, my adult son was still in bed!
I put myself first! Why should I not get paid? Why should I not enhance my career? When does putting the children first, ever end? Am I really helping him? He can call a friend, or get an uber driver to take him to work. He can miss a day. let his boss ask him" when are you getting your liscence again? you better do something about it?"
The struggle to put myself first has gotten easier,and ends up being 'the right thing' for everyone involved.
You deserve it! And so do the other people who will gladly recieve what you have to give!
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2020 11:02:59 GMT -5
Allow me to sit across from the couch,on the love seat,and give you encouragement! I've been divorced 2 yrs now. On my own,and still struggling with putting myself first. My adult son lives with me. He stays isolated due to his recovery from his bi-polar. He showed me 2 tickets and 2 warnings he got the other day. He let his insurance and tags expire.They took his license and his plates. I drove him to work over the weekend. I laid out for him the first 3 things he needed to do. Who, when, where, and why. The ball is in HIS court now. Yesterday my boss asked me if I could work longer? I was so happy! I am ALWAYS wanting more hours. (covid 19 cut my already short hours in half) However...I thought about my son? Did he need a ride to work? I hadn't heard from him that day, or the day before? I asked about his schedule? I got an unacceptable answer..." I think I might, possibly be working Tues. and Wed.?" I stayed and received an extra 5 hrs .of work, and will probably be called in today (Wed.) I called my woman, who was at my house and told her my good news. She gives me encouragement! She tells me " good for you! That's what you wanted, that's wonderful!. Your son? haven't heard from him all day, good thing you stayed at work!" When I arrived home from work, my adult son was still in bed! I put myself first! Why should I not get paid? Why should I not enhance my career? When does putting the children first, ever end? Am I really helping him? He can call a friend, or get an uber driver to take him to work. He can miss a day. let his boss ask him" when are you getting your liscence again? you better do something about it?" The struggle to put myself first has gotten easier,and ends up being 'the right thing' for everyone involved. You deserve it! And so do the other people who will gladly recieve what you have to give! Thank you, greatcoastal! Your words ring, true as well! I've no idea when or why it became such a struggle to do what's best for me, or why I often feel so damn guilty when I do, but ... at least seeing and acknowledging that behavior will hopefully lead to the way out of this unhealthy habit. I feel for your struggles with your son, as well. I attended some Al-Anon meetings just prior to officially calling it quits with my EX and also broke out my Melody Beattie books again to help refresh my recollection on what a fine and skilled co-dependent I am! lol! It's a challenge to change those behaviors for sure, but when I can, I know the freedom and peace is great. I wish you luck with your son (it seems like such a fine line to walk with our kids) and continued happiness with your partner. |
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