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Post by lwoetin on Apr 30, 2020 1:12:21 GMT -5
I saw the fabulous update of nyartgal and ..I really don't have any positive thing to report for an update. But it's normal for the Choosing to Stay section.? Still, like Seinfeld episodes about nothing, it's still something. I feel like half the forum members will stay and half will split so I am putting in my stat for the former.
I'm still alive but my sex life isn't. I'm OK though. Perhaps I'm not an HD person. My wife had said once we turn 50 we shouldn't do it anymore. It's been around a couple of years of not doing it now. But if your partner is not into it, is it really a big loss to not do it? I've not given up hope that we will have enjoyable sex in the future. I just don't see how it will happen. I do love her dearly, she is my soulmate, she makes me laugh. We spoke about having a talk about our relationship after our kids are out of the house. But I think we are both expecting to be together. Our youngest will be in 11th grade this Fall.
I thought marriage involves the act of surrendering to the other. I guess it doesn't mean everything. Anyway, I keep busy with work, church and hobbies. I try to meet more women just so I don't become crazy or gay. I'm happy to see this forum still very active and members using it for support as they find their way. I will end with a lovely song in my head.
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Post by saarinista on Apr 30, 2020 2:08:47 GMT -5
That is a nice song.
However. I don't understand the nice part of "shouldn't" have sex anymore" on your wife's part..
Why shouldn't you? Has she explained?
"Shouldn't" to me implies a value judgement which guides her actions. Has she decided it's morally wrong for 50-plus folk to express their sexuality? Is she bored with sex? Does she think older people don't look or feel good enough to be sexually hot? What is it?
And if you want to have sex and her doing it would make you feel good, why shouldn't she do it? I mean why not? Isn't that what married people do?
Just trying to figure out what she'd thinking.
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Post by baza on Apr 30, 2020 2:24:29 GMT -5
There's all sorts of "success" Brother lwoetin . There's the spectacular success via the leaving choice in cases like Sister nyartgal (and these are pretty common) There's the rebuild of a marriage as instanced by Brother timeforliving2 (these are pretty rare) Then there's the cases where members have managed to accept (without resentment) the situation and own that choice and live it (there are a few of them too) and it comes across in their posts .... you don't see them bagging their spouses behaviour, or railing against their bad luck, or blaming external factors for the situation. They seem pretty much at peace with their situations. Your posts read like one of these Brother lwoetin And I reckon such cases are a success in their own way. I think that if you - as an ILIASM member - are happier now than you were 12 months ago, then you are a success. |
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Post by lwoetin on May 1, 2020 0:46:32 GMT -5
That is a nice song. However. I don't understand the nice part of "shouldn't" have sex anymore" on your wife's part.. Why shouldn't you? Has she explained? "Shouldn't" to me implies a value judgement which guides her actions. Has she decided it's morally wrong for 50-plus folk to express their sexuality? Is she bored with sex? Does she think older people don't look or feel good enough to be sexually hot? What is it? And if you want to have sex and her doing it would make you feel good, why shouldn't she do it? I mean why not? Isn't that what married people do? Just trying to figure out what she'd thinking. We like the same songs, haha. It is not nice that she wants to end our sex life. But she would rather split than do something that is against her will. It is partly a cultural thing, but it is more a personal thing. She keeps saying... gojudai...every time I ask. It means 50's. It equates to No. And she doesn't really care what others are doing in their 50's. I share your perspective that she should have sex for her spouse and for her marriage. Unfortunately she doesn't think that. She wants her body to herself. It's not for sharing. It's not for my pleasure. I am puzzled that she doesn't desire sex. I feel bad for her as well. There are so many fun things in life and she is missing out in a pretty fun activity. She seems to have lost that physical connection as time passes. I suggested she try weed but she said no. |
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Post by lwoetin on May 1, 2020 1:31:09 GMT -5
There's all sorts of "success" Brother lwoetin . There's the spectacular success via the leaving choice in cases like Sister nyartgal (and these are pretty common) There's the rebuild of a marriage as instanced by Brother timeforliving2 (these are pretty rare) Then there's the cases where members have managed to accept (without resentment) the situation and own that choice and live it (there are a few of them too) and it comes across in their posts .... you don't see them bagging their spouses behaviour, or railing against their bad luck, or blaming external factors for the situation. They seem pretty much at peace with their situations. Your posts read like one of these Brother lwoetin And I reckon such cases are a success in their own way. I think that if you - as an ILIASM member - are happier now than you were 12 months ago, then you are a success. hi baz. Also if you think you are doing what is best, you will be at peace no matter the outcome. It's important to feel good about ourselves. We don't have to measure one person relative to another. |
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Post by mirrororchid on May 8, 2020 5:31:34 GMT -5
I try to meet more women just so I don't become crazy or gay.
If not meeting women will make you gay, that could be helpful to keeping your marriage intact. Have you really thought this through? Tell me if it works. |
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Post by lwoetin on May 10, 2020 2:45:13 GMT -5
I try to meet more women just so I don't become crazy or gay.
If not meeting women will make you gay, that could be helpful to keeping your marriage intact. Have you really thought this through? Tell me if it works. It would be tough to keep my marriage intact if I go insane. So I think I am making the right decision. Having a sexual appetite is healthy. I didn't mean to imply that I was going to cheat on her in what I wrote above. My marriage would not survive that. I have hobbies that I like and meeting women with similar interests is fun. I let my wife know what activities we are doing, show their pictures in the group's Facebook page. Let her know I'm hanging out at cafe/tea to work together on a class project. As to whether if it works...wife become sexual again...I am thinking movie...Mission Impossible.... |
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Post by baza on May 10, 2020 4:09:02 GMT -5
Your expectations of your marriage seem quite realistic Brother lwoetin . I think that, for a lot of members here, the levels of frustration experienced in their ILIASM deals is caused by having unrealistic expectations of what their ILIASM deals are capable of delivering. |
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Post by mirrororchid on May 12, 2020 4:26:42 GMT -5
If not meeting women will make you gay, that could be helpful to keeping your marriage intact. Have you really thought this through? Tell me if it works. It would be tough to keep my marriage intact if I go insane. So I think I am making the right decision. Having a sexual appetite is healthy. I didn't mean to imply that I was going to cheat on her in what I wrote above. My marriage would not survive that. I have hobbies that I like and meeting women with similar interests is fun. I let my wife know what activities we are doing, show their pictures in the group's Facebook page. Let her know I'm hanging out at cafe/tea to work together on a class project. As to whether if it works...wife become sexual again...I am thinking movie...Mission Impossible.... Bearing in mind that explaining humor always ruins the joke... My well wishes were for your not seeing women, turning gay, and seeing if being gay made your marriage sustainable. I do wonder whether your wife deserves so much reassurance. If she starts to worry that you might stray, perhaps she';d give more thought to diminishing the temptation? Perhaps you're too kind a husband to allow her to experience even discomfort she'd be bringing upon herself. My respect and sympathy, good sir. |
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Post by timeforliving2 on May 26, 2020 13:29:13 GMT -5
I saw the fabulous update of nyartgal and ..I really don't have any positive thing to report for an update. But it's normal for the Choosing to Stay section.? Still, like Seinfeld episodes about nothing, it's still something. I feel like half the forum members will stay and half will split so I am putting in my stat for the former. I'm still alive but my sex life isn't. I'm OK though. Perhaps I'm not an HD person. My wife had said once we turn 50 we shouldn't do it anymore. It's been around a couple of years of not doing it now. But if your partner is not into it, is it really a big loss to not do it? I've not given up hope that we will have enjoyable sex in the future. I just don't see how it will happen. I do love her dearly, she is my soulmate, she makes me laugh. We spoke about having a talk about our relationship after our kids are out of the house. But I think we are both expecting to be together. Our youngest will be in 11th grade this Fall. I thought marriage involves the act of surrendering to the other. I guess it doesn't mean everything. Anyway, I keep busy with work, church and hobbies. I try to meet more women just so I don't become crazy or gay. I'm happy to see this forum still very active and members using it for support as they find their way. I will end with a lovely song in my head.
Lwoetin: You also mentioned in a separate reply in this thread, "But she would rather split than do something that is against her will…. She wants her body to herself. It's not for sharing."
lwoetin ...baza referenced me a few weeks ago / further up this thread. I haven't been checking back here as regularly since the turnaround my W and I had about 6 1/2 years ago. Damn... it's amazing how time flies.
My thoughts on these 2 posts of yours: (1) You mention that your W is *your* soulmate. Question: Are you *her* soulmate? (2) Your youngest child will be in 11th grade this fall, and (3) Apparently your W said to you that she would rather split than do something that is against her will. So it sounds like she has thought about this at least a little bit.
Might your W be contemplating an exit of her own after your youngest child graduates HS / 12th grade and is off to college? In the last decade or so there has been a large increase in divorces for couples who are 50+ years old / after the kids are done with HS. Might your W be biding her time until it’s more convenient for her to exit? Might she be having a relationship / AP on the side? Or if not, since you both seem somewhat religious, might she be “saving herself” for a next, future partner? For either of these last 2 questions, might that explain why she is not wanting to have sex with you now? ****
With all of that being said, please know that my W was a refuser for the first nearly 20 years of our marriage. I don’t know why I held on so long… but it was in part I know because of my religious beliefs not to get divorced. However, please know that I was *only* able to get my refuser W to change when: (1) I finally resolved that I was not going to take it any more, (2) I resolved that divorce WAS an option, (3) I determined that a sex life was a *dealbreaker* for our relationship, (4) I let my W know (through a counselor) that I was ready to walk if we couldn’t make it work within a reasonable amount of time with counseling, and (5) I similarly stopped withholding what my W needed (at the time) to feel loved…. She was content with hugs and kisses… So I told her: “I am no longer going to kiss you and I am no longer going to hug you or hold you until we go to counseling and get our relationship fixed”.
Amazingly after about 8 weekly counseling sessions my W made the move and initiated sex. I was blown away by her making that first move. I truly thought she would never change. But I finally took a stand, made my feelings very clear, and she began to understand just how much she was hurting me, and therefore how much she was hurting our marriage relationship.
If you have accepted that things will never change, then I bet that they in fact never will. You have already accepted all future outcomes as being OK. Only you know if you will forever be happy in this state. The fact that you are seeing other women in a friendly manner and as you describe, seems to indicate to me that you may “want to be ready” if your marriage does end in divorce. If true, to me that also implies that what you are brushing off / dismissing as your “wanting” sex…. is really more of a “need” for sex. To me, that is normal. It took me a long time (and a lot of reading on these ILIASM boards) to realize that sex is a biological NEED for almost all people. I think that libido / sex drive does taper off for people at differing ages… but if you ever had a healthy sex life for a long time (10+ years) then your spouse should (hopefully) understand how important it is / may be to you.
Wishing you the best. Maybe these comments will inspire you to have some additional conversations with your soulmate W.
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