Post by tiredofbeinglonely on Apr 23, 2020 14:17:50 GMT -5
We are a bit stuck due to COVID...but I am in the process of divorce. In this process, the kids and I have learned that my husband/their father was never emotionally available...he is on the autism spectrum. The person I knew in the beginning was simply a puppet/robot...regurgitating back what he thought a relationship, marriage should be. For a period of time, he was successful. Over time, and as the kids got older, he could not keep up the lie. He became self absorbed, greedy, angry, mean. He did horrible things to us...and things that hurt us financially. I realized there was a problem, but really thought it was more about mental illness...because he was once a loving and caring person...or so I thought. We forgave many things, offered fresh starts. How I wish I could go back in time and leave...sooner than now. I wish I had shielded my kids from the emotional emptiness and greed he displayed. They have suffered greatly due to his actions/words...and lack of availability. So have I.
A therapist pointed me to reading that brought to light a lot for me. We suffered for a lifetime from Cassandra's Phenomenon. It's basically like PTSD for those who live a life of fear, anxiety, emotion deprivation, etc. It will take time to undo.
It made me start to wonder...how many of us are in the same boat? Sex is rarely important, or wanted, to those on the spectrum. What started as weekly...became a few times a year, quickly became never. The ability to disconnect like that...how many are suffering as I did? I remember a few years ago, bringing the idea of aspergers to his therapist, and he disagreed. Really, my husband was just good at playing parts and appearing "like everyone else".
It was devastating to know that the marriage has all been a lie...even what I thought was love. I truly hope that one day I will know real love and that my kids will see past this...to what a real marriage should be.
#1 - in all my time here I have never seen a post from someone who got out of their ILIASM deal come back and say - "well that was a rotten choice and I wish I was back in my ILIASM deal". Mostly they say - "I wish I'd left sooner". #2 - by getting out, you have given yourself a shot at (quoting you here) "will know real love and that my kids will see past this...to what a real marriage should be". No such shot existed whilst you were ensnared in your ILIASM deal.
I think that you are going to go great in your future Sister tiredofbeinglonely , but it won't be painless.
Post by tiredofbeinglonely on Apr 24, 2020 10:36:14 GMT -5
True words Baza.
Last night, my daughter wrote something powerful to me: "Mom, I never thought you were weak for staying. I thought you were strong for fighting for us...and making each day as amazing as possible despite him. You showed us your strength everyday...because what he put you through would have crushed most people. You held up yourself and all of us!"
I look forward to life where I don't have to be strong...I can just be happy and content. I would rather it isn't alone. I love people...i love life...i love love. To be honest though, I am tired of being strong. I am tired of constant anxiety over what he might do next. I am tired of making excuses. I am tired of going without. I am tired of having all of my needs take a backseat. Just tired.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
worksforme2: some better and some worse,..virus seems to be slowing down, but people are beginning to refuse to stay inside,...worst thing I see is Biden leading in the election poles,...but that could be fake news
Apr 20, 2020 16:56:22 GMT -5
mirrororchid: Politics? Is that what we want to happen here?
Apr 21, 2020 6:21:24 GMT -5
petrushka: Certainly not American style politics. Toxic echo chambers.
Apr 23, 2020 16:21:52 GMT -5
petrushka: However, I feel that sexual politics, including political moves that impact the relationships between gender (misogynist, misandrist, etc) definitely deserve room in this context.
Apr 23, 2020 16:22:59 GMT -5
fred: just calculated that i've spent somewhere near 19,000 days (& nights) as a "rejectee".AND that allows for 2,000+ days (& nights) on business travel apart from her. i've chosen to "stay" .....would never do that again, and can't as you see doing the math
May 15, 2020 18:01:15 GMT -5
worksforme2: 19000 days and nights,....damn dude, that's 52 yrs.
Jun 17, 2020 9:19:10 GMT -5
fred: you're a little short works - was thinking this AM, there has NEVER been a day when she indicated desire for me physically (other than for heavy lifting or finance)........LOL...........earlier, i had enough libido for both of us, now i'm left with guilt
Jun 20, 2020 13:11:12 GMT -5
fred: over imposing myself on her rather than simply leaving .....DAMN LOVE ANYWAY !
Jun 20, 2020 13:12:12 GMT -5
mesulina: update everyone, still has not happened. I have now come to accept that I will live with out. It is just different now.
Jun 29, 2020 19:32:31 GMT -5
worksforme2: Sorry mesulina,... but on the positive side you did stock up on toys a short time back,..now might be the time to go for the gusto
Jun 30, 2020 17:42:54 GMT -5
grower: Embrace a change, you will wonder why you waited so long
Jul 9, 2020 11:22:56 GMT -5
grower: Your life clock is ticking away, don't waste all your time. Live some.
Jul 24, 2020 9:53:20 GMT -5
fred: blue guy, i was where you are 30 years ago. stayed.................nothing changed. if i didn't love this nice lady so much i'd be in deep regret. if she doesn't think of you in a hundred "other" ways (as does my wife) GET OUT ! Life is short
Aug 10, 2020 17:43:15 GMT -5
jerri: Yuk on the plucking chicken feathers. If a chicken doesn't get sex and intimacy she just finds a beautiful cock sooner or later. I'd say there's a much higher "philandering" rate than anyone would care to admit. The rooster who is tormented findsa chicken!
Sept 10, 2020 8:23:56 GMT -5
csl: And yet, there is an entire segment of ILIASM stayers.
Sept 10, 2020 22:04:05 GMT -5
jerri: Exactly I have read multiple threads. I was very impressed with all the different solutions everyone has found. Intellectual group and the camaraderie is nice
Sept 11, 2020 9:44:57 GMT -5
Handy: What happened to being light outside until 9:30 PM? It is 7:30 PM and dark now.
Sept 20, 2020 20:46:01 GMT -5
jerri: It's not hot there? I am getting a slight break from the heat! Cheer up buddy!
Sept 21, 2020 0:27:37 GMT -5
petrushka: Well WE are getting closer to summer. Just passed Equinox. I expect the solar panels will start paying for themselves again in the near future. (over the last few months they have merely mitigated the power bills).
Sept 21, 2020 21:00:36 GMT -5