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Post by notlookingback on May 30, 2016 20:59:15 GMT -5
I'm 31, female. Finally called it quits with ex-fiance 5weeks ago. I have read dozens of stories about SM and all they did was to convince me that walking away was the answer. My ex stopped being intimate with me 2.5 years ago. I don't want to go into details but I'm about 100% sure I have made the right decision, that no matter how desirable I make myself it would all be useless if the inherent fact remains where it is; he had stopped desiring me. But now I get swarmed with memories. We were together for 5.5 years. I still think about him a lot, despite being thoroughly aware that he would not have made the slightest effort to make me happy. We were incompatible in so many levels and deep down I know my l love for him was never so permanent as to have me believing we'd be together forever. And that in all assurances was due to him rejecting me time and again. Somewhere there I lost the will to keep out romance, if there remained any, to keep on going.. In fact, I had played in my mind for the last 2.5 years to finally leave him, and now that he's gone I am losing my mind. Is it normal to have this in the healing process?
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Post by obobfla on May 30, 2016 21:52:14 GMT -5
Yes, but it's only been 5 weeks notlookingback. Give it some more time. Remember the good and the bad, and you will move on.
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Post by baza on May 30, 2016 21:59:22 GMT -5
The anecdotal evidence (in the old EP group) was that a factor of 5 is a reasonably credible figure.
If you were in a dysfunctional relationship of 5 years duration, then it will take you 1 year to get over it*
10 years duration will take you 2
20 will take you 4
30 will take you 6
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*footnote
you never *completely* get over it.
What tends to happen in the immediate aftermath of leaving is that you will be pretty miserable for the first 90 days (though there are often periods of great elation now and again too)
The next 90 days, as your new normal, new routine etc kicks in sees you feeling quite a bit better.
The next 90 days, as you start doing the post mortem on what happened tends to lead to a level of serenity, and you come to terms with it all.
The next 90 days sees you consolidating your "new normal" and moving out (probably very tentatively) in to your new life.
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But even years after, a song on the radio, or some other unexpected trigger, will rear up and bite you on the arse.
That's quite natural, and not to be feared, just to be aware of.
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You say you were together 5.5 years.
Allow 1.1 years for recovery as a rule of thumb.
Engaging an exit counsellor (if you are a counselling type of person) may speed this up a bit.
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Post by DryCreek on May 31, 2016 1:22:53 GMT -5
Somewhere there I lost the will to keep out romance, if there remained any, to keep on going.. In fact, I had played in my mind for the last 2.5 years to finally leave him, and now that he's gone I am losing my mind. Is it normal to have this in the healing process? First, congratulations on having the guts to take action instead of leaving life on cruise control. 5.5 years is a long time, and being conflicted 5 weeks later is hard. If you kept a journal along the way, now would be a good time to peruse them and get a refresher of why you came to the conclusion you did. Imagine if you hadn't taken "that left turn in Albuquerque"... imagine yourself 20 years from now, still without intimacy. Imagine reaching back 30 years into your memories to remember what passion was. Instead, you got to change your reality - and early enough to enjoy a long and passionate future. It's hard to appreciate from where you stand today, but your future can be so much better for it. |
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Post by notlookingback on May 31, 2016 2:56:15 GMT -5
Somewhere there I lost the will to keep out romance, if there remained any, to keep on going.. In fact, I had played in my mind for the last 2.5 years to finally leave him, and now that he's gone I am losing my mind. Is it normal to have this in the healing process? First, congratulations on having the guts to take action instead of leaving life on cruise control. 5.5 years is a long time, and being conflicted 5 weeks later is hard. If you kept a journey along the way, now would be a good time to peruse them and get a refresher of why you came to the conclusion you did. Imagine if you hadn't taken "that left turn in Albuquerque"... imagine yourself 20 years from now, still without intimacy. Imagine reaching back 30 years into your memories to remember what passion was. Instead, you got to change your reality - and early enough to enjoy a long and passionate future. It's hard to appreciate from where you stand today, but your future can be so much better for it. Thank you! I didn't keep a detailed journal becauae the moments of rejection were often so painful i had to repeatedly force myself to brush each and every incident under the rug. I'm still quite young though and am mighty relieved I got out fairly early, and without kids and shared properties at that. I just feel so betrayed he could do that to me when i gave him my heart and soul. But looking back, i have a pricking feeling that he and his other ex fell apart for similar reasons. He's somehat narcissistic and will never admit he's wrong... His parents are the same so that's another bullet i dodged right there. |
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Post by DryCreek on May 31, 2016 8:55:10 GMT -5
Thank you! I didn't keep a detailed journal becauae the moments of rejection were often so painful i had to repeatedly force myself to brush each and every incident under the rug. I'm still quite young though and am mighty relieved I got out fairly early, and without kids and shared properties at that. I just feel so betrayed he could do that to me when i gave him my heart and soul. But looking back, i have a pricking feeling that he and his other ex fell apart for similar reasons. He's somehat narcissistic and will never admit he's wrong... His parents are the same so that's another bullet i dodged right there. You touch on something that we've discovered can be really important... their parents' relationship and personalities. People tend to be a product of their environment, and their parents can give you a really good crystal ball into what someone has been conditioned to be "normal", and where your future is headed. I wish I'd known this little gem when I was dating. You've also been fortunate to part before having kids. Not that you can ever completely forget the experience, but you have the opportunity for a pretty clean slate. They say hindsight is 20/20. It's always easier looking back to realize the diligence you should have paid before entering into a relationship. But when you're there in the thick of it, emotions are high, euphoria sets in, and the last thing you're interested in is completing a 20-page questionnaire on whether this guy is as good as he seems. But I'll tell ya, those who've been through this wringer are a lot more willing to do just that; as fun as dating and new relationships can be, it's far more important to expose the ugly reality while it's still early enough to escape easily. DC |
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Post by bballgirl on May 31, 2016 9:23:53 GMT -5
With time you will heal. Give it time.
Be thankful you did not waste decades of your life and be left with the scars and healing time needed from that.
Learn from this experience about yourself and what you expect in a future spouse.
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Post by itsjustus on Jun 1, 2016 19:27:35 GMT -5
Aww notlookingback , I can't help you at all, because I'm the opposite of you. My dysfunctional relationship was 32 years long. What I can tell you is that, though I know you don't feel it, you are fortunate. There are two kinds of healing in leaving behind a SM, the hurt of the loss of your SO, and the damage done to you by being in a SM relationship. I would have issues with Baz's healing time line, only in that in the early SM years, the pain of loss is high, while the damage is inherently low. In long term SM, there is a huge relief to help offset the pain of leaving, but the damage is high. With me as an example, by the time I left, I Was highly relieved and would be just as happy to never see her again. But I've struggled with how to have more normal relationships, to find my self esteem once again. I cant really say that one or the other is worse. This is all painful. But I can say that speaking to you from the other side of the spectrum, the pain and resentments of wasted years can be a heavy burden, added onto the high cost of repairing decades of damage. Im so sorry you had to leave your dream of your future with him behind. I can't imagine your pain. I so happy you aren't looking back three decades later, wishing you had. I'm glad you don't have mine. |
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Post by notlookingback on Jun 1, 2016 21:13:35 GMT -5
Aww notlookingback , I can't help you at all, because I'm the opposite of you. My dysfunctional relationship was 32 years long. What I can tell you is that, though I know you don't feel it, you are fortunate. There are two kinds of healing in leaving behind a SM, the hurt of the loss of your SO, and the damage done to you by being in a SM relationship. I would have issues with Baz's healing time line, only in that in the early SM years, the pain of loss is high, while the damage is inherently low. In long term SM, there is a huge relief to help offset the pain of leaving, but the damage is high. With me as an example, by the time I left, I Was highly relieved and would be just as happy to never see her again. But I've struggled with how to have more normal relationships, to find my self esteem once again. I cant really say that one or the other is worse. This is all painful. But I can say that speaking to you from the other side of the spectrum, the pain and resentments of wasted years can be a heavy burden, added onto the high cost of repairing decades of damage. Im so sorry you had to leave your dream of your future with him behind. I can't imagine your pain. I so happy you aren't looking back three decades later, wishing you had. I'm glad you don't have mine. itsjustus, i'm really struggling with the loss as of now. i wish there's an end to it. as for the damage in self esteem, i'm lucky i haven't reached so low, maybe because i'm still relatively young. i believe i can find someone else. in the meantime i am hurting every day. <\3 |
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Post by obobfla on Jun 1, 2016 21:24:42 GMT -5
I remember 30 years ago, I was heavily involved with a girl. She broke it off, and I was heartbroken. We were friends before we dated, so I lost both a friend and a lover.
Around that time, Don Henley came out with his album "Boys of Summer." I listened to this song, and gave her a call. We renewed our friendship if not the romance. Later on, I took a walk with her. As she was talking to me, I realized her voice was really loud. I wondered "Does this girl have a volume control?" The crush was broken.
We are still friends today. After she went through lots of bad relationships, she found a man who lived across the street from her. They still live across the street from each other but have been a couple for 7 years. He is the perfect man for her. She and I don't see each other a lot, but at least we talk.
I need to thank Don Henley some day.
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Post by notlookingback on Jun 1, 2016 21:37:03 GMT -5
obobfla, music does help a lot. I love the Eagles! also i'm adjusting little by little by recalling my ex's bad qualities lol.
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Post by itsjustus on Jun 1, 2016 22:23:21 GMT -5
Aww notlookingback , I can't help you at all, because I'm the opposite of you. My dysfunctional relationship was 32 years long. What I can tell you is that, though I know you don't feel it, you are fortunate. There are two kinds of healing in leaving behind a SM, the hurt of the loss of your SO, and the damage done to you by being in a SM relationship. I would have issues with Baz's healing time line, only in that in the early SM years, the pain of loss is high, while the damage is inherently low. In long term SM, there is a huge relief to help offset the pain of leaving, but the damage is high. With me as an example, by the time I left, I Was highly relieved and would be just as happy to never see her again. But I've struggled with how to have more normal relationships, to find my self esteem once again. I cant really say that one or the other is worse. This is all painful. But I can say that speaking to you from the other side of the spectrum, the pain and resentments of wasted years can be a heavy burden, added onto the high cost of repairing decades of damage. Im so sorry you had to leave your dream of your future with him behind. I can't imagine your pain. I so happy you aren't looking back three decades later, wishing you had. I'm glad you don't have mine. itsjustus, i'm really struggling with the loss as of now. i wish there's an end to it. as for the damage in self esteem, i'm lucky i haven't reached so low, maybe because i'm still relatively young. i believe i can find someone else. in the meantime i am hurting every day. <\3 (((Huggs))) I know...... I know..... I just lost a very important relationship, one that I thought was my future.... I can only say...moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day....and back again.....it does get better... I don't think the hurt ever completely goes away... you'd be callous if it did....but it does get better.
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