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Post by DryCreek on May 30, 2016 14:28:24 GMT -5
Best part is she can't figure out why I'm crabby. How fucking dense can you be?  !!! I run in to this too. No way can she be so intelligent, and yet be so stupid. Surely she knows, but is lying to herself that there's no elephant in the room. Surely, she is not that oblivious. |
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Post by obobfla on May 30, 2016 17:18:37 GMT -5
Best part is she can't figure out why I'm crabby. How fucking dense can you be? !!! I run in to this too. No way can she be so intelligent, and yet be so stupid. Surely she knows, but is lying to herself that there's no elephant in the room. Surely, she is not that oblivious. My wife never notices elephants either! And there are lots of elephants around me |
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Post by angryspartan on May 30, 2016 17:22:07 GMT -5
Best part is she can't figure out why I'm crabby. How fucking dense can you be? !!! I run in to this too. No way can she be so intelligent, and yet be so stupid. Surely she knows, but is lying to herself that there's no elephant in the room. Surely, she is not that oblivious. I wonder how someone can be intelligent, possess a good amount of common sense, but he so ignorant about things like this. |
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Post by ggold on May 30, 2016 19:02:05 GMT -5
angryspartan More like dismissive of your feelings. She knows.
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Post by unmatched on May 30, 2016 19:21:01 GMT -5
I run in to this too. No way can she be so intelligent, and yet be so stupid. Surely she knows, but is lying to herself that there's no elephant in the room. Surely, she is not that oblivious. I wonder how someone can be intelligent, possess a good amount of common sense, but he so ignorant about things like this. I very much doubt she is ignorant, just completely in denial. As long as she can disconnect from her own needs, she won't be able to really empathise with yours. But she knows something isn't right, because she talks about feeling guilty. If there is any way in there, that is it. |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2016 20:03:13 GMT -5
She may have issues, but they are her issues. And her issues are causing other people problems. The question is does she want to do anything about it? I think putting on the clothes was the best response. It screams "You need help, girl" This! Has she made any honest effort to get over whatever it is? |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2016 20:08:21 GMT -5
I run in to this too. No way can she be so intelligent, and yet be so stupid. Surely she knows, but is lying to herself that there's no elephant in the room. Surely, she is not that oblivious. My wife never notices elephants either! And there are lots of elephants around me I used to think I lived at the zoo. |
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Post by baza on May 30, 2016 21:40:53 GMT -5
The ILIASM jury seems split.
Some think she knows damn well what she's doing and it is deliberate.
Others think she's an innocent, and what she is doing is accidental.
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Personally, I don't think it matters a rats arse whether avoidant behaviour is deliberate or accidental, as the end result - of you being disenfranchised - is the outcome either way.
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But, if it is accidental / unconscious behaviour, it is then "natural" behaviour on her part, and that ain't fixable. It's *who she is*.
If it is conscious / deliberate behaviour then it is a chosen behaviour and that is highly unlikely to be fixable. It's "who she chooses to be".
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Anyway, her position - accidental or deliberate - is out there on the table in clear view.
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Over to you Brother angryspartan.
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Post by lwoetin on May 31, 2016 1:30:34 GMT -5
So ask what is she guilty about? Maybe say to her "you know I remember you telling me about a man that titty fucked you and how do you go from that extreme to this extreme? Bring it up! Ask her how she can expect you to live this way? Ask her if she cares about the marriage? Ask her if she cares about you? Is she still in love? ....Who the Fuck says "no, please don't touch me there, it feels too good." Not her words, but might as well could have been. Best part is she can't figure out why I'm crabby. How fucking dense can you be? !!! I don't know what the hangup is but I notice the "no, please don't touch me there, it feels too good" attitude with my wife as well. I know I am doing something right cause her body reacts with pleasure. So I don't fully believe that she doesn't want it. She needs to trust more in the Force and let go of her inhibitions. |
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Post by Deleted on May 31, 2016 16:39:59 GMT -5
I wonder how someone can be intelligent, possess a good amount of common sense, but he so ignorant about things like this. I very much doubt she is ignorant, just completely in denial. As long as she can disconnect from her own needs, she won't be able to really empathise with yours. But she knows something isn't right, because she talks about feeling guilty. If there is any way in there, that is it. I agree with unmatched, she's deep in denial, about her own feelings/sexuality and yours. But the fact that she's expressing some guilt about the issue with you is, I think, her way of saying "help me learn to feel OK about sex," so help her!! That's your foot in the door. I know it's going to be beyond difficult, but could you find a teeny-tiny bit of compassion (no easy feat after being refused for so long) and use that compassion to help her through her own issues? Let her know how much her refusal hurts you and how important sexual intimacy is to you and go from there. Counseling if she's up for it? From what you've said above, I think there's hope for you. Grab on to it and don't let it go. View this from her perspective. I know a lot of women who have been taught to be ashamed of their sexuality. What a crime that is. But her words indicate to me that she's reaching out. Grab on, my friend. Anger is an easy and natural reaction. But I think you'd get more traction if you can hold her tight (literally) and tell her just what she means to you and just what you are willing to do to save things. I mean no judgment in this post, just trying to help you see it from a woman's perspective and with women, shame and sex sadly often go hand and hand. Throw in the all-too-common sexual abuse (1 in 5 girls) that many women never even talk about and she's going to need all the tenderness you've got to get through this. I'm not judging your reaction. It's to be expected, and I don't know the whole story. I'm just sharing my perspective. I hope you and she can find some healing. |
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Post by Pinkberry on Jun 1, 2016 7:38:55 GMT -5
Not to put too fine a point on it, and you probably already know this, but she needs therapy. She needs to work out why she would feel guilty having sex inside of marriage. I'm Catholic and I can tell you that there is nothing about being Catholic that tells you that you should not enjoy sex with your spouse. That's absurd. In fact, sex is supposed to be enjoyed and is a tool for bringing Catholic couples closer together.
Secondly, you two need marriage counseling. The fact that talking to her in the past made some headway is a good sign. There is a possibility that things could turn around, but sooner is best. The longer this sits as the norm, the worse the outcome.
BTW, I think you were absolutely right to put your clothes on and walk out. You are under no obligation to subject yourself to her issues.
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 1, 2016 11:16:15 GMT -5
Not to put too fine a point on it, and you probably already know this, but she needs therapy. She needs to work out why she would feel guilty having sex inside of marriage. I'm Catholic and I can tell you that there is nothing about being Catholic that tells you that you should not enjoy sex with your spouse. That's absurd. In fact, sex is supposed to be enjoyed and is a tool for bringing Catholic couples closer together. Secondly, you two need marriage counseling. The fact that talking to her in the past made some headway is a good sign. There is a possibility that things could turn around, but sooner is best. The longer this sits as the norm, the worse the outcome. BTW, I think you were absolutely right to put your clothes on and walk out. You are under no obligation to subject yourself to her issues. I should have been more clear. I don't blame the faith she was brought up in, her issues come from her mother using the faith in a twisted way to keep her out of trouble before marriage. I don't blame her church at all, it was her mother. |
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 1, 2016 11:17:59 GMT -5
I very much doubt she is ignorant, just completely in denial. As long as she can disconnect from her own needs, she won't be able to really empathise with yours. But she knows something isn't right, because she talks about feeling guilty. If there is any way in there, that is it. I agree with unmatched , she's deep in denial, about her own feelings/sexuality and yours. But the fact that she's expressing some guilt about the issue with you is, I think, her way of saying "help me learn to feel OK about sex," so help her!! That's your foot in the door. I know it's going to be beyond difficult, but could you find a teeny-tiny bit of compassion (no easy feat after being refused for so long) and use that compassion to help her through her own issues? Let her know how much her refusal hurts you and how important sexual intimacy is to you and go from there. Counseling if she's up for it? From what you've said above, I think there's hope for you. Grab on to it and don't let it go. View this from her perspective. I know a lot of women who have been taught to be ashamed of their sexuality. What a crime that is. But her words indicate to me that she's reaching out. Grab on, my friend. Anger is an easy and natural reaction. But I think you'd get more traction if you can hold her tight (literally) and tell her just what she means to you and just what you are willing to do to save things. I mean no judgment in this post, just trying to help you see it from a woman's perspective and with women, shame and sex sadly often go hand and hand. Throw in the all-too-common sexual abuse (1 in 5 girls) that many women never even talk about and she's going to need all the tenderness you've got to get through this. I'm not judging your reaction. It's to be expected, and I don't know the whole story. I'm just sharing my perspective. I hope you and she can find some healing. It's good advice, I just have to reevaluate how to crack that shell. There's a way, but it's hard to stay patient when she was less "shy" with a past BF. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2016 11:40:19 GMT -5
this is the problem with this site. You dont have an age listed and you tell no history of your marriage. How can anyone respond to such limited info?
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