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Post by angryspartan on May 30, 2016 11:43:20 GMT -5
So this morning, the W tried to get frisky. Sounds great right? But after kissing for a bit and not being allowed to do anything else, I said f it and put my clothes back on. She says she feels guilty doing anything else, and doesn't know how to relax enough to do more. Yet she stupidly told me some years ago how she let an ex titty fuck her. So yeah, she let some troll looking(yes he does look like one) mother fucker do that, but her own husband of 14 years can't fucking put his hand anywhere near the promise land. All I want to do is make here feel good and hot, but nope, it has to be puritanical. Tired of this.
Fuck that, I have my pride.
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Post by obobfla on May 30, 2016 12:06:36 GMT -5
Don't blame you. I would have done the same, then headed out.
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Post by unmatched on May 30, 2016 12:07:01 GMT -5
It seems to me that she is telling you she would like to do more but feels blocked and doesn't know how to get herself there.
That might be a smokescreen and what she actually means is she doesn't want it at all. But if she is telling the truth then I would suggest leaving your pride at the door and trying to work with her to see what she needs to get past this.
It may or may not work, but in the process the two of you will get to know and understand each other a whole lot better which can't be a bad thing.
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2016 12:09:54 GMT -5
So this morning, the W tried to get frisky. Sounds great right? But after kissing for a bit and not being allowed to do anything else, I said f it and put my clothes back on. She says she feels guilty doing anything else, and doesn't know how to relax enough to do more. Yet she stupidly told me some years ago how she let an ex titty fuck her. So yeah, she let some troll looking(yes he does look like one) mother fucker do that, but her own husband of 14 years can't fucking put his hand anywhere near the promise land. All I want to do is make here feel good and hot, but nope, it has to be puritanical. Tired of this. Fuck that, I have my pride. Guilty? Even with her husband? Oy there's some issues there. Ok next time I'll tell you something you don't already know. This unfortunately is another illustration that a person in a SM is not likely to ever have great sex. Even when the avoidant spouse genuinely tries, well, ok they're trying, give them credit, but the words "trying" and "sex" together tell the story of how good it's going to get. |
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Post by DryCreek on May 30, 2016 12:13:03 GMT -5
angryspartan, there have been many times that I was in your shoes, and I should have ejected from the scene, but my little head won the debate. Of course, my big head feels like shit later, because... just how bad must you suck, if your wife refuses foreplay? Good for you, making a statement. Perhaps she will start to realize that shitty sex really is shitty; "good enough" isn't; and she's not placating you with minimum effort. Hopefully this is a catalyst for some productive discussions, one way or another.
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Post by obobfla on May 30, 2016 12:29:54 GMT -5
She may have issues, but they are her issues. And her issues are causing other people problems. The question is does she want to do anything about it?
I think putting on the clothes was the best response. It screams "You need help, girl"
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Post by bballgirl on May 30, 2016 12:43:33 GMT -5
Hmmm "she feels guilty" with her own husband?
That's not normal. It's an excuse with meaningless words OR what is she guilty about? Is it a religious thing?
If she feels guilty about doing anything more than kissing there is definitely some incompatibility issues that need to be addressed. Celibacy in marriage negates the marriage.
One spouse has no right to expect the other to be celibate.
I think while it's fresh you should springboard off of this experience to communicate and bring things out in the open. If there's one thing I regret, it's that I didn't do this enough but as a woman that was tough because I felt so unattractive and why would he want me was part of that mentality which caused me just to accept and retreat instead of fight and battle.
So ask what is she guilty about? Maybe say to her "you know I remember you telling me about a man that titty fucked you and how do you go from that extreme to this extreme? Bring it up! Ask her how she can expect you to live this way? Ask her if she cares about the marriage?
Ask her if she cares about you? Is she still in love?
These are really tough questions and it's a tough conversation. It's necessary if you want to save the marriage and if you are still in love with her.
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Post by angryspartan on May 30, 2016 12:53:17 GMT -5
Hmmm "she feels guilty" with her own husband? That's not normal. It's an excuse with meaningless words OR what is she guilty about? Is it a religious thing? If she feels guilty about doing anything more than kissing there is definitely some incompatibility issues that need to be addressed. Celibacy in marriage negates the marriage. One spouse has no right to expect the other to be celibate. I think while it's fresh you should springboard off of this experience to communicate and bring things out in the open. If there's one thing I regret, it's that I didn't do this enough but as a woman that was tough because I felt so unattractive and why would he want me was part of that mentality which caused me just to accept and retreat instead of fight and battle. So ask what is she guilty about? Maybe say to her "you know I remember you telling me about a man that titty fucked you and how do you go from that extreme to this extreme? Bring it up! Ask her how she can expect you to live this way? Ask her if she cares about the marriage? Ask her if she cares about you? Is she still in love? These are really tough questions and it's a tough conversation. It's necessary if you want to save the marriage and if you are still in love with her. She was raised Catholic, and had a crazy mom to boot. We've had talks about this before, and this isn't the first time I walked out of the room because of it. Her excuse is she was young and dumb blah blah....Just makes me feel like garbage. What did this guy have that I don't? Who the Fuck says "no, please don't touch me there, it feels too good." Not her words, but might as well could have been. Best part is she can't figure out why I'm crabby. How fucking dense can you be?  !!! |
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Post by angryspartan on May 30, 2016 12:54:32 GMT -5
angryspartan , there have been many times that I was in your shoes, and I should have ejected from the scene, but my little head won the debate. Of course, my big head feels like shit later, because... just how bad must you suck, if your wife refuses foreplay? Good for you, making a statement. Perhaps she will start to realize that shitty sex really is shitty; "good enough" isn't; and she's not placating you with minimum effort. Hopefully this is a catalyst for some productive discussions, one way or another. We'll see. I've had to do this in the past, and it did help somewhat. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 30, 2016 13:27:50 GMT -5
Hmmm "she feels guilty" with her own husband? That's not normal. It's an excuse with meaningless words OR what is she guilty about? Is it a religious thing? If she feels guilty about doing anything more than kissing there is definitely some incompatibility issues that need to be addressed. Celibacy in marriage negates the marriage. One spouse has no right to expect the other to be celibate. I think while it's fresh you should springboard off of this experience to communicate and bring things out in the open. If there's one thing I regret, it's that I didn't do this enough but as a woman that was tough because I felt so unattractive and why would he want me was part of that mentality which caused me just to accept and retreat instead of fight and battle. So ask what is she guilty about? Maybe say to her "you know I remember you telling me about a man that titty fucked you and how do you go from that extreme to this extreme? Bring it up! Ask her how she can expect you to live this way? Ask her if she cares about the marriage? Ask her if she cares about you? Is she still in love? These are really tough questions and it's a tough conversation. It's necessary if you want to save the marriage and if you are still in love with her. As our friend Bazz would say, sounds like it is time to see an attorney and see how thing would shake out. Do you have an exit strategy? Use several words you read here for your communication. (Controller, rejected, marriage, relationship, needs, celibacy negates marriage, lack of trust, dishonest, manipulation, actions over words) Be very aware of her avoidant, flippant, change of subject, excuses, blaming others, answers. Time to take control away from the controller. Your actions were a beginning for you, but not her. You played into her hand. She got what she wanted anyways. Typical of a controller. love is a give and take. Sounds like all taking on her part. Explain to her how roommates,and business partners communicate, laugh together and work together. But there is one thing that only marriage involves, sex and intimacy, you agreed that she is the only person on the planet you would share that with. If it means nothing to her, than there are others who will cherish honor and respect you for what you have to offer. i flat out told my wife, I need, want and plan on having sex once a week. Her response? " it would just be duty sex". I told her ,"she needs to get off her fat ass and stop playing computer games every night." Her response? " you used profanity, that's disrespectful, I don't have to put up with that". And tried to walk away. She had to ride home with me. I told her on the way to the car, " disrespect?,you have disrespected me and our marriage by having no sex for 14 yrs!" No response...... fortunately I get to tell these things to our therapist. He throws his hands in the air and blames her. so I am throwing my hands in the air for you, and blaming her! |
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Post by bballgirl on May 30, 2016 13:29:35 GMT -5
Hmmm "she feels guilty" with her own husband? That's not normal. It's an excuse with meaningless words OR what is she guilty about? Is it a religious thing? If she feels guilty about doing anything more than kissing there is definitely some incompatibility issues that need to be addressed. Celibacy in marriage negates the marriage. One spouse has no right to expect the other to be celibate. I think while it's fresh you should springboard off of this experience to communicate and bring things out in the open. If there's one thing I regret, it's that I didn't do this enough but as a woman that was tough because I felt so unattractive and why would he want me was part of that mentality which caused me just to accept and retreat instead of fight and battle. So ask what is she guilty about? Maybe say to her "you know I remember you telling me about a man that titty fucked you and how do you go from that extreme to this extreme? Bring it up! Ask her how she can expect you to live this way? Ask her if she cares about the marriage? Ask her if she cares about you? Is she still in love? These are really tough questions and it's a tough conversation. It's necessary if you want to save the marriage and if you are still in love with her. She was raised Catholic, and had a crazy mom to boot. We've had talks about this before, and this isn't the first time I walked out of the room because of it. Her excuse is she was young and dumb blah blah....Just makes me feel like garbage. What did this guy have that I don't? Who the Fuck says "no, please don't touch me there, it feels too good." Not her words, but might as well could have been. Best part is she can't figure out why I'm crabby. How fucking dense can you be? !!! You need to figure out what you want for yourself first. She's not being dense, she knows what she's doing. She knows what you want however she doesn't care. It seems like a lot of men in SM that I have gotten to know well are married to Catholic women. Two of the women are definitely asexual. There's definitely a guilt thing that some of these women use as an excuse. It's really time to lay your cards on the table. I realize that everyone is in different circumstances financially, with kids, obligations, so many variables that can affect timing with regards to The Talk up to seeing an attorney and putting together an exit strategy. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I truly empathize with your frustration. If it's any consolation here's a story that made me think of your event today: December 2012, kids downstairs, husband and I alone in bed, he was sort of poking my arm with his finger which turned into a sort of playful wrestling and he had me pinned and not mobile. There was nothing sexual about it on his part. I said to him as I'm in an arm lock of some sort, "look if this isn't going anywhere then you better let me go". We hadn't had sex in 11 months so I didn't think that was going to happen. Anyway, we had sex it was quick, uneventful for me, very eventful for him but the entire time he just wanted it over. Afterwards he told me that he's sorry we don't have sex more often and that we would. Shortly after that I found EP and it was a whole year before he had sex with me again. This time because I brought up divorce. It was always reset sex with him. So figure out what you want, verbalize it to her and see if things can turn around. For me if we would have had sex I would have put up with all of the other bullshit and crap in our marriage because I would have felt loved. That's the key with marriage different from every other relationship, there's the expectation that you will make your spouse feel loved and if they can't then what's the point. |
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Post by wewbwb on May 30, 2016 13:30:23 GMT -5
This may be a good opening for couples therapy. If you are both interested in trying to save the marriage.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 30, 2016 13:30:48 GMT -5
This is the 1st response I wanted to send.
These are some extreme approaches for a pretty extreme situation. If the problem is she can't relax enough to do anything other than kiss I suggest either drugs or alcohol. Or (don't laugh) trying hypnosis to put her in a relaxed state . When she is in a hypnotic state get to the bottom of her phobia. And since she seems to be basically brain dead anyway, introduce some post hypnotic suggestions into that empty head about what the 2 of you could do together.
But in retrospect the above may not be the best of advice. Maybe she should just be in therapy 3 times a day.
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Post by nyartgal on May 30, 2016 13:31:34 GMT -5
My experience---and the experience of most people in a SM after a long time---is that once your sex life is truly dead, there's no bringing it back. It doesn't matter how many conversations or hours at therapy or hoops you jump through. If you can't get past first base, your sex life is officially kaput.
And IMO, her behavior of initiating foreplay and then rejecting you is incredibly cruel and manipulative. She's doing just enough to give you hope but making sure as soon as you do you feel like shit again. Google "sex with the passive aggressive spouse" and you will learn a lot.
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Post by ggold on May 30, 2016 14:00:33 GMT -5
So this morning, the W tried to get frisky. Sounds great right? But after kissing for a bit and not being allowed to do anything else, I said f it and put my clothes back on. She says she feels guilty doing anything else, and doesn't know how to relax enough to do more. Yet she stupidly told me some years ago how she let an ex titty fuck her. So yeah, she let some troll looking(yes he does look like one) mother fucker do that, but her own husband of 14 years can't fucking put his hand anywhere near the promise land. All I want to do is make here feel good and hot, but nope, it has to be puritanical. Tired of this. Fuck that, I have my pride. I am sorry that you are going through this. It just sucks. |
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