Why I am staying with my sexless wife...

With all due respect @baitnswitch , your husband "not (being) abusive verbally or physically" is hardly a virtue.
Not being abusive physically or verbally would be a baseline expectation in a relationship surely - not "a bonus".

You guys are doing exactly what I said. Judging.

I am not ready to leave .

Northstarmom, but are you married to your post sm lover ? Because before marriage, I did not have issues in the bedroom with him . Was he as energetic and good in bed as my ex? No. He was better than the men I had sex while dating though (2). he made an effort and the sex was good and at a frequency I was comfortable with. This is actually why I am sometimes angry. Because some of these men, and that includes my H, do everything they can to make you happy before marriage, and once married , sex is suddenly off the table . Hence my screen name. So if you’re not married to your lover maybe keep it that way. Please don’t tell me women do the same , I know that but I’m married to a man .

I was mentioning abuse and lack thereof because a poster came with the example of their mom, who was in an abusive marriage for 40 years. So I told them my situation isn’t the same. I didn’t say the only good thing is that my husband is not verbally abusive and that’s my standard.

Your experience seems closer to mine than their example. I am 100% sure though that my husbabd does not have another lover. There are differences in people and your experiences aren’t necessarily the same. Maybe my husband is gay and hiding it. Id believe that before other scenarios . He also didn’t have sex with his first wife and told me she was the culprit . Since we weren’t having issues I believed him.!Also, he’s mentioned how his brother , when they were young, was telling people that he was gay. And that was because his roommate and best friend in college was gay. Maybe his brother knew what he was talking about .i don’t know . I think it is possible. Even in this day and time , I see how he would not want to admit to the world if he was in fact gay. I say this knowing his personality.

I do think that he’s not interested in sex in general and now in me in particular and now that the newness of the relationship faded, he doesn’t want to bother if he doesn’t have to. What bothers me the most is the switch and the cessation of sex AFTER it was “safe” for him. He says it’s the new medication but I’m suspicious. He could try to switch it, or he could make an effort to lose weight and exercise. He could make an effort. What I hate the most is being duped .

These said , I’m not ready to leave. At least not yet. I’ve barely been married 3 years and sex stopped for about one year. I don’t want to give here more reasons as to why I’m not ready, just to be attacked and dismissed. There are my reasons and whatever you all think it’s your opinion. I’ll leave when and if I’m good and ready. In the meantime I’ll talk to him. I just didn’t see any evidence that talking will actually help . It needs to be done though.

Our respective choices in these ILIASM situations are pretty limited Sister @baitnswitch.
You stay.
You cheat.
You leave.
They are all perfectly valid choices, with their up (and down) sides.

The unenviable task ahead of you (or me or anyone) is the necessity to choose, and to take ownership of that choice, and to live that choice.

The underlying message is that you need to check out ALL the options so you are making a fully informed choice.
And that may involve considering something you have previously thought unthinkable.

Most newbies arrive here with a great deal of knowledge about the "stay" option (understandably given that they've been living it) and are finding that "stay" option is producing sub-optimal results.
So a lot of the suggestions here are directed toward the other two options (cheat or leave) about which the newbie may not have a great deal of knowledge.
There is a wealth of knowledge in the group about ALL of the options, and a great deal of firsthand testimony about how these options have worked out in real terms for people.
And it's all there for any newbie to tap in to as they wrestle with this vexatious problem.
That doesn't mean you have to take any of the suggestions on board.
It's entirely optional, and your choice what - if anything - you want to take out of the group.

Baitnswitch said: “ But right now I was looking for support from other people who , at least for now, chose to stay. Coping strategies, any tips on communication, things that worked , and things that didn’t work for them.”

To get the support you want, start a thread of your own here and state clearly what you want and people here will honor your request. That way, your desires will be clear to everyone.

Baza, thank you ! I understand that it felt more balanced for a while when you stopped giving what is expected from a full partner when. you weren’t getting the same courtesy. I understand you eventually left. May I ask if you have any idea why your ex didn’t want to have sex with you? Was it a physical/health problem , or resentments etc?

It's just that you don't have sex? That's all?



Based on what you said, you don't actually believe that it is "We just don't have sex..."

With that said, you want to know how to live within this household with your present household partner (is it really a marriage if one partner does not have a unique sexual attraction to the other?). What helped me and began to restore my centre and sanity when I was involved in that situation as well as in post-marriage, was to accept that I did not have a sexual relationship with that person, and to accept that my spouse did not want a sexual relationship with me. To really sit with those two facts and come to an understanding of them and what they meant - irrespective of the outcome.

Because what that meant for me was that if she didn't WANT me in that way, after I had done everything reasonable and unreasonable to improve myself - then it didn't matter what I thought I deserved. And it didn't matter what was at stake either. Neither one would change that she didn't see me as a sexual partner.

Knowing that - really understanding that - meant that despite being attracted to her (and not being able to help that) as well as having my own intimate sexual needs - I didn't want to accept that from someone who didn't want that with me. Sleeping beside her was torture, as was the sense of hope that there would be a miraculous change of heart one day, or that I'd miss my twice a year window. So I moved out of the bedroom and set up a spare one in the basement - with a futon. I made myself a room and began sleeping in it more and more and comparing. I felt better. More calm. I had restful sleep.

Eventually, it felt right to remove my wedding ring. Not right away, but later, it just felt more true to what this all really was. I didn't tell her - this was for me - and she didn't notice it for months. And then, she didn't care.

I focused on my own activities and stopped waiting or reserving myself to do things with her. I focused on building my male friendships and attending new things that I'd never have done on my own before. I made a list and started doing them, and my life became increasingly fulfilled. I stopped hitching my happiness to orbiting her star, and did what I wanted to do - what I would do if I happened to find myself single at some point. My life became richer. That's what I would recommend if I was advising someone who wanted to stay.