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Post by h on Mar 3, 2020 9:08:32 GMT -5
I'm sure you're plenty desirable to any man who's interested in sex or intimacy. The problem is that your H isn't one of those guys. If you doubt yourself, next time you're out in a bar just ask a random guy for his honest opinion. Or post a pic here and I'm betting the guys here will boost your confidence.
Don't let your head lie to you.
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Post by rdp62 on Mar 3, 2020 12:18:26 GMT -5
It has been rough lately. I'm not a big drinker but lately have found myself drinking quite often. Example: I went to bourbon street and after leaving the bourbon cowboy got into a fight with a lamppost and somehow managed to make it 5 blocks back to my hotel. I have no idea how I woke up in the tub with my hubby talking shit about how shitfaced I was. I drink at home and now keep a bottle under my cabinet. I know this is not a healthy coping skill but I'm lost right now. I have went from 200 lbs to 139lbs and it's really taking a toll on me. I just want my sex drive to go away. I don't want to really feel anything. I don't want to feel like I need love, sex, attention, or to be desired. It's extremely draining to feel like your not even a women anymore and could never turn anyone's head. I'd love to just feel numb. I understand ... Sometimes did drink to feel anything different anything at all as long as didn't feel like I did. What helped is understanding lack of intimacy is a form of lonliness and feeling alone is the absolute worst. Started talking with people here and on Twitter met some amazing people have helped so much.
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 3, 2020 13:34:59 GMT -5
... I just want my sex drive to go away. I don't want to really feel anything. I don't want to feel like I need love, sex, attention, or to be desired. It's extremely draining to feel like your not even a women anymore and could never turn anyone's head. I'd love to just feel numb. Please, don't think like that. I know, it is easier to say than do. You need that honesty you have, but you need to find other ways of coping with it. You need to be you. Your husband doesn't give a shit about your needs or your discomfort. That is not loving. That is controlling. Once I realized the futility of my marriage, I found that formulating an exit strategy was theraputic. Part of that was getting back into shape. I note that you mentioned losing weight. I assume you did this to be more attractive to your husband. Well, let me assure you, if he doesn't find you attractive, somebody else will.
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Post by saarinista on Mar 3, 2020 13:39:33 GMT -5
It has been rough lately. I'm not a big drinker but lately have found myself drinking quite often. Example: I went to bourbon street and after leaving the bourbon cowboy got into a fight with a lamppost and somehow managed to make it 5 blocks back to my hotel. I have no idea how I woke up in the tub with my hubby talking shit about how shitfaced I was. I drink at home and now keep a bottle under my cabinet. I know this is not a healthy coping skill but I'm lost right now. I have went from 200 lbs to 139lbs and it's really taking a toll on me. I just want my sex drive to go away. I don't want to really feel anything. I don't want to feel like I need love, sex, attention, or to be desired. It's extremely draining to feel like your not even a women anymore and could never turn anyone's head. I'd love to just feel numb. Jessie83, I'm sure you look great. You ARE great. the problem isn't you or your weight or lack thereof. The problem is your RELATIONSHIP is not working.
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jessie83
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Post by jessie83 on Mar 3, 2020 13:41:51 GMT -5
It has been rough lately. I'm not a big drinker but lately have found myself drinking quite often. Example: I went to bourbon street and after leaving the bourbon cowboy got into a fight with a lamppost and somehow managed to make it 5 blocks back to my hotel. I have no idea how I woke up in the tub with my hubby talking shit about how shitfaced I was. I drink at home and now keep a bottle under my cabinet. I know this is not a healthy coping skill but I'm lost right now. I have went from 200 lbs to 139lbs and it's really taking a toll on me. I just want my sex drive to go away. I don't want to really feel anything. I don't want to feel like I need love, sex, attention, or to be desired. It's extremely draining to feel like your not even a women anymore and could never turn anyone's head. I'd love to just feel numb. Jessie83, I'm sure you look great. You ARE great. the problem isn't you or your weight or lack thereof. The problem is your RELATIONSHIP is not working. Thank you, the sad part is I know this deep inside but I don't know how to accept it.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2020 14:45:13 GMT -5
Super practical advice here from someone who did drink too much for too long as part of my SM coping. There is a product (CVS carries it) called Hyland Calms Forte. I'm not much of an organic/vegan/natural guy but this stuff is a great stress reliever. It's worked for me for years and helped me get away from alcohol back to a normal level.
I've written the following many times here but it's true. When I was young, healthy and fit....not much sex. When I was young, healthy and a little overweight....not much sex. Old fat...not much sex. Old but back in pretty good shape....no sex. In any kind of a healthy relationship, your appearance is pretty much immaterial. Just focus on the only thing that matters, you loving yourself. What does that look like?
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 3, 2020 15:15:48 GMT -5
I've been thinking about something all day. Maybe the problem isn't my refuser, maybe it's me. When I try to initiate or even give a hint about sex he makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong by even asking. I have dressed in lingerie for solo time with myself and usually feel ok but now I'm questioning if I shouldn't just throw it all away. I mean what's the point? Maybe something is wrong with me for wanting sex? How can I be mad at him for not wanting me?I mean maybe I'm a sex addict or just nuts for expecting sex from my spouse. I'm beginning to feel like sex is something I should feel ashamed of and feel guilty about bringing up. Is it wrong for me to want to be desired? Maybe?? Maybe I'm just feeling lonely and undesirable and second guessing everything. Sometimes ranting helps. Two things can be true at the same time. 1. It's pretty normal to want to have sex with a person who you love, and whom you are in a romantic relationship with. Desire and sex is partly what separates a married couple from amicable ex-spouses. 2. It's pretty normal to refuse sex with someone who you don't view as a sexual partner, who you don't love in that way or who you don't like. What's more, you BOTH likely have a sex drive, irrespective of your partner. Having a sex drive doesn't mean you will want to have sex with someone who you don't really see as a viable partner. It's just not how it works. Something happened a while back that has resulted in a significant disconnection. You are now "extended family" or "non-profit business partner" in your household enterprise. If you want to have sex in your life - both of you - you will need to find partners with whom that is an option.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 3, 2020 16:52:31 GMT -5
If you are not going to counseling you should. It helps. I waited until after I left. In hindsight I should have done it WAY before. I drank, I comforted myself with food gained weight. I think outsourcing or even the act of trying saved me. Helped me rebuild my self-esteem to take back my power. I'm not suggesting out sourcing for a cure just saying I think that's what helped me. I started doing things with my friends that I wanted to do. Started exercising it not only kept me away from him longer but I felt better. Eventually I looked better but I will tell you this when i first started out sourcing I was heavy. And men still wanted me as a friend and lover. And it was men that were in great shape good jobs. I don't want to come off as a advertisment for outsourcing. My point is don't let him destroy you. Use a toy for the sex drive orgasms great mood lifter. Go to counseling and keep busy with people you like to be with doing things you like to do. You wouldn't let someone make I child feel worthless. Why would you allow someone to make you feel that way. Say to yourself what you would say to a friend feeling this way.
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Post by rdp62 on Mar 3, 2020 18:31:49 GMT -5
If you are not going to counseling you should. It helps. I waited until after I left. In hindsight I should have done it WAY before. I drank, I comforted myself with food gained weight. I think outsourcing or even the act of trying saved me. Helped me rebuild my self-esteem to take back my power. I'm not suggesting out sourcing for a cure just saying I think that's what helped me. I started doing things with my friends that I wanted to do. Started exercising it not only kept me away from him longer but I felt better. Eventually I looked better but I will tell you this when i first started out sourcing I was heavy. And men still wanted me as a friend and lover. And it was men that were in great shape good jobs. I don't want to come off as a advertisment for outsourcing. My point is don't let him destroy you. Use a toy for the sex drive orgasms great mood lifter. Go to counseling and keep busy with people you like to be with doing things you like to do. You wouldn't let someone make I child feel worthless. Why would you allow someone to make you feel that way. Say to yourself what you would say to a friend feeling this way. I second the suggestion for counseling as a guy and most guys are expected to just tough it out. There are some things just to difficult to deal with on my own. It has been very difficult but made a major difference. As my experience has been weekly for about 18 months
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 3, 2020 20:31:28 GMT -5
I've been thinking about something all day. Maybe the problem isn't my refuser, maybe it's me. When I try to initiate or even give a hint about sex he makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong by even asking. I have dressed in lingerie for solo time with myself and usually feel ok but now I'm questioning if I shouldn't just throw it all away. I mean what's the point? Maybe something is wrong with me for wanting sex? How can I be mad at him for not wanting me?I mean maybe I'm a sex addict or just nuts for expecting sex from my spouse. I'm beginning to feel like sex is something I should feel ashamed of and feel guilty about bringing up. Is it wrong for me to want to be desired? Maybe?? Maybe I'm just feeling lonely and undesirable and second guessing everything. Sometimes ranting helps. A few ladies chimed in saying they felt they might be physically unappealing. When my wife refused and I'd decided to outsource, I kept it quiet at first. What's the point of my wife knowing I was looking if I couldn't succeed? Her feelings would be hurt and no relief would come out of it. I posted on OKcupid as a married man seeking only married women (which is still my goal if I start looking again.) I said I lived north of Baltimore so I'd be 51 miles away from a polyamorous mutual friend who was also on OKC and figured I'd be out of her range that way and go undiscovered. In short order I'd secured two dates (I only messaged five women) which let me know it wasn't futile to try. The other two ladies who were in your shoes and replied in this thread would likely have been instantly relieved of at least some of their insecurity had they posted such a profile, perhaps located in a city thousands of miles away. Very unlikely anyone would see their profile who knew their husbands, no obligation to take any gents up on offers. Men can be shallow, so physical validation is all you might assume from a deluge of offers, but perhaps a few gents would really weigh in if you demonstrate your intellect and they'd actually give thoughtful responses. Your demeanor demonstrates you can put sentences together. You're surely not full of yourself, which is endearing. (My poor wife suffers excess humility, herself.) TL;DR. Place an ad on OKC in Minneapolis and get a little confidence boost when fifty guys ask you out. Whatever you do from here, feeling crappy about your self-worth is unlikely to be useful.
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Post by baza on Mar 4, 2020 0:03:57 GMT -5
I'd like to endorse the counselling suggestions above. If you can start getting your own shit sorted out, then you will be building a solid base from which to operate, and that will be of great assistance as you tackle these other issues. If you can bring the authentic Sister jessie83 to the fore, she'll do the rest.
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Post by lessingham on Mar 4, 2020 4:39:15 GMT -5
On a left of centre observation, what sort of dick head allows his drunken partner to wander back to the hotel alone??? I know when you're drunk responsibility goes out the window but take care of you, get the bar to hire you a reputable cab. Get home safe.
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