jessie83
Junior Member
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Posts: 35
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Post by jessie83 on Feb 28, 2020 23:37:54 GMT -5
I've been thinking about something all day. Maybe the problem isn't my refuser, maybe it's me. When I try to initiate or even give a hint about sex he makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong by even asking. I have dressed in lingerie for solo time with myself and usually feel ok but now I'm questioning if I shouldn't just throw it all away. I mean what's the point? Maybe something is wrong with me for wanting sex? How can I be mad at him for not wanting me?I mean maybe I'm a sex addict or just nuts for expecting sex from my spouse. I'm beginning to feel like sex is something I should feel ashamed of and feel guilty about bringing up. Is it wrong for me to want to be desired? Maybe?? Maybe I'm just feeling lonely and undesirable and second guessing everything. Sometimes ranting helps.
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Post by baza on Feb 29, 2020 0:04:55 GMT -5
Taking in to context your past posts back to March 2019, it sure doesn't look like you are the spouse who has the problem. But (and humour me here) lets say it IS your fault, that you are a sex addict, that it is you with the problem. In this model the same things hold true. There is still a chasm of incompatibility between you two, and your options don't alter at all. You are the problem - or - he is the problem. Either way, your options don't alter. In these situations it doesn't particularly matter who is right (or wrong), who is to blame (or not blame), who is the refuser (or refusee)
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Post by Handy on Feb 29, 2020 1:18:39 GMT -5
jessie83, your post above is how some people feel but that feeling is not where the problem lies. So you want sex. Is that want out of the ordinary? I don't know how often you want sex but the average here is a few times a week, which to me is perfectly normal, so there is nothing wrong with you. My W used to say having sex 4 times a year was her preferred frequency. Me, I would have preferred 3 times a week. I am normal. Maybe my W is normal but the differences ( 4 x a year vs 3x a week) was the problem in my marriage.
I suggest the first thing you do is forget about thinking something is wrong with you and think about what you want as normal and maybe also think your H is normal and the problem is you two are on different pages, maybe even in different books.
I doubt you could change your H so think in terms of you two being different and go from there.
Feeling like something is wrong with you is going to make your internal pain worse so please do not go there. It is destructive to your sole and at this time in your life you need to feel better about yourself and figure out what might make your life better without involving your H.
It took me many years to do what I advise for myself. Once you realize you can't make other people do or act like you want then to act, you can quit spinning your wheels in a wasteful way.
Does this solve the no sex problem? No but it can eliminate some self doubts and it gives you some time to search for better ways.
Some sex counseling by a very experienced counselor might help but most of the time, if it works, the good results are short lived.
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Post by brianbk on Feb 29, 2020 7:09:42 GMT -5
I’ve often thought the same way as well maybe I am the one to blame or I am the problem,or Atleast that is the way my w makes me feel. She sits in occasionally on my sessions with my counselor but none of the suggestions my counselor ever suggests is even considered after we leave the office. Sorry for what you are going through as well
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 29, 2020 7:53:01 GMT -5
Clearly there is nothing "wrong" about the desire for intimacy or sex. Just look around or consider the history of the human race, or all the various types of life on the planet. What is the 1 thing most shared? Virtually everything (there are a few exceptions) engages in some form of sex. For humans it is especially important. Sex or intimacy is the glue or mortor that helps hold a marriage together. For most people, it is the one thing that you do together that you don't do with anyone else. As far back in recorded history as we can go there are fables, stories, songs, poems, paintings and a host of other mediums all dedicated to the act of sex. No the problem is not you or your desire for the physical expression of love people share. Don't think that even for a minute.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Feb 29, 2020 9:23:03 GMT -5
I had those feelings as well. When we are rejected so often, we begin to doubt ourselves. **it is NOT you** Sexuality is part of a healthy relationship. Conseling helped me during my marriage, but the cure was leaving. I know this isn't an option for everyone, but getting out helps us realize how truly dysfunctional a sexless marriage is, and we can heal and seek a healthier, happier partnership. Glad you vented and hope it helped!
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 29, 2020 12:52:01 GMT -5
I think it is pretty normal to internalize the problem, especially with women. After all, society teaches us that men are the pursuers and women are the gate keepers, so women are much more inclined to say, "it must be me that is undesirable." But, society is wrong. Lots of guys don't have any mojo, and, for whatever reason, you've got one and you can't change him.
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Post by lessingham on Feb 29, 2020 14:24:44 GMT -5
I walked that road for years. I was ugly, I was a freak, I was despicable and a pervert etc etc. Took me years to walk back out of it too. You are who you are and you do not needs anyone's permission. So glam up, spit the world in the eye abd screw 'em.
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Post by saarinista on Feb 29, 2020 14:48:57 GMT -5
jessie83, the problem is not you. The problem is you TWO. You two are not having sex. Doesn't matter why not. You're just different. Probably no fixing it. You need different things than he does. That's all. Good luck proceeding accordingly to fix things.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 1, 2020 17:28:15 GMT -5
@jessica83 We are made to feel this way. To put things in perspective for you. When we first married we had sex everyday. Several times a day. To the point I was sore. He wanted it even if I was in pain. I was to smitten to question that. As life progressed our frequency went up and down with kids, work schedules ... But never lower than a few times a week. When we quit having sex I would intiate and he would give me I'm tired, I can try .. but sex wasn't the only thing I wasn't getting just the last thing he took off the table. When I got distant and we fought about it he said shit like " that's all you care about" "all you want is dick" this from the guy who 15 years earlier was having sex with me while I suffered through it because I was so sorry. Sometimes with tears. Yeah it's not that we are unreasonable. As far as them not desiring us maybe but it's still them. I will tell you years later I convinced myself that he didn't want me because I gained weight. One day looking through pictures I realized I wasnt fat when the sex stopped. I got depressed after and gained weight. Don't let him make you doubt yourself. Just because he doesn't desire you doesn't mean you are undesirable. Build back your confidence. Be good to yourself. Do things that make you feel and look better for you. Fuck him. ( Not literally)
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Post by rdp62 on Mar 1, 2020 18:20:24 GMT -5
I have been thinking about something like this how can make us feel like a sex addict. Ask and they no, ask and they say no and repeat. And then they say all you talk about is sex. Maybe if they said yes once in a while
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Post by ScottDinTN on Mar 2, 2020 0:06:07 GMT -5
I agree. Ask a starving man if he wants food and he'll say yes every time. You crave what you need.
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Post by lessingham on Mar 2, 2020 4:18:44 GMT -5
I think these feelings are perfectly natural. We live in a world where we are bombarded with sex. Everyone is having sex, pensioners are having sex. The honeymoon is having sex. Pop stars get pregnant and reclaim their sex shape in weeks. Weekly sex is the norm. University is a sexfest. And out partners say no. We desire sex, there are no reasons why not but that almighty "No." There are two reasons, they are a freak or we are the freak. It is easy to turn inside for the reasons, to blame ourselves and to see ourselves as the freak. I was so disgusted at my body that after a week of rejections on holiday, (oh yeah, holidays are sun, sea and sex too in the greater world ) I ended up in the shower scrubbing myself with a brillo pad to remove the ugly. It is easier to be the freak than confront the truth. But, I took therapy and got better and now am at peace with myself but God, I wish I had confronted the freak in her 35 years ago.
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Post by h on Mar 2, 2020 10:51:52 GMT -5
I used to think this about myself. I was looking for ways to "fix" myself so I just wouldn't want sex. I seriously thought that I must be the one who had a problem. There's a whole thread about me asking for ways to reduce my drive. If I find the link, I'll add it to this post later. Edit: link below. iliasm.org/thread/2870/looking-ways-copeDon't be like me as I was back then.
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jessie83
Junior Member
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Posts: 35
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Post by jessie83 on Mar 3, 2020 9:02:27 GMT -5
It has been rough lately. I'm not a big drinker but lately have found myself drinking quite often. Example: I went to bourbon street and after leaving the bourbon cowboy got into a fight with a lamppost and somehow managed to make it 5 blocks back to my hotel. I have no idea how I woke up in the tub with my hubby talking shit about how shitfaced I was. I drink at home and now keep a bottle under my cabinet. I know this is not a healthy coping skill but I'm lost right now. I have went from 200 lbs to 139lbs and it's really taking a toll on me. I just want my sex drive to go away. I don't want to really feel anything. I don't want to feel like I need love, sex, attention, or to be desired. It's extremely draining to feel like your not even a women anymore and could never turn anyone's head. I'd love to just feel numb.
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