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Post by saarinista on Jun 2, 2020 19:32:17 GMT -5
bozodeclowne Why SHOULD refusers tell the truth if so doing MIGHT A hurt the refused, B. make them look bad, or C. we continue to tolerate their presence without sex or repercussions? There's no way for us to know whether the refusers know and say they don't to be expedient, or truly don't know why they've gone cold. All we can say see is their behavior. They refuse to engage in sex, which is something most all of them indicated they wished to do when they married. At some point the why no longer matters.
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Post by bozodeclowne on Jun 10, 2020 14:34:18 GMT -5
bozodeclowne Why SHOULD refusers tell the truth if so doing MIGHT A hurt the refused, B. make them look bad, or C. we continue to tolerate their presence without sex or repercussions? There's no way for us to know whether the refusers know and say they don't to be expedient, or truly don't know why they've gone cold. All we can say see is their behavior. They refuse to engage in sex, which is something most all of them indicated they wished to do when they married. At some point the why no longer matters. Why? Because telling the truth is the right thing to do. I realize that is no longer a popular sentiment, at least in the US. (A) While it may hurt, the refused discovers whether the underlying reason(s) is fixable, or if it is time to move on. (B) I'm not sure appearances factor in here. Not many of us are shouting our situations from the rooftops. In most cases friends and family have no clue. I do agree that at some point it no longer matters, and I am at that point now. My view on often repeated "I don't knows" - you are either lying or do not care about the relationship enough to put some effort into determining the root of the problem. Cases of past abuse aside, I really don't think there are too many instances where a previously-enthusiastic partner turns refuser without knowing why. My sample size is 1 though, so YMMV! Hopefully there is some value here for those who may read these posts in the future. I know hearing differing viewpoints in these threads has helped me to re-evaluate my circumstances. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 12, 2020 5:40:52 GMT -5
bozodeclowne Why SHOULD refusers tell the truth if so doing MIGHT A hurt the refused, B. make them look bad, or C. we continue to tolerate their presence without sex or repercussions? There's no way for us to know whether the refusers know and say they don't to be expedient, or truly don't know why they've gone cold. All we can say see is their behavior. They refuse to engage in sex, which is something most all of them indicated they wished to do when they married. At some point the why no longer matters. Why? Because telling the truth is the right thing to do. I realize that is no longer a popular sentiment, at least in the US. (A) While it may hurt, the refused discovers whether the underlying reason(s) is fixable, or if it is time to move on. (B) I'm not sure appearances factor in here. Not many of us are shouting our situations from the rooftops. In most cases friends and family have no clue. I do agree that at some point it no longer matters, and I am at that point now. My view on often repeated "I don't knows" - you are either lying or do not care about the relationship enough to put some effort into determining the root of the problem. Cases of past abuse aside, I really don't think there are too many instances where a previously-enthusiastic partner turns refuser without knowing why. My sample size is 1 though, so YMMV! Hopefully there is some value here for those who may read these posts in the future. I know hearing differing viewpoints in these threads has helped me to re-evaluate my circumstances. In the case of A, some people feel telling the truth, and producing a "moving on" may be the greater of two evils. Evasion/deception is the right thing to do to save the marriage. Society often backs up their opinion of what is the right option. ILIASM may be of a different mind. Outsourcing might fix the problem without divorce, but similar societal condemnation might lead the refuser to think they are making the more moral/right choice still. We have a difference of opinion as to what constitutes the "greater good" than that held by refusers, but I can understand how refusers might justify their actions and their sense of morality might be commendable even as their goal is pretty shitty, (an assessment they may even agree with!) In the case of B, A will precipitate B to anyone even remotely acquainted with what "moving on looks like". Moving on, in itself, looks bad to many judgmental types in society. Almost anyone is the refuser's position knows discovery of the truth will inevitably happen. |
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I have read multiple threads. I was very impressed with all the different solutions everyone has found. Intellectual group and the camaraderie is nice