Post by caballotierra on Feb 9, 2020 21:00:51 GMT -5
I first found this board and starting posting (under a different name) in 2016. My W took my single mention of a message board for sexless marriage, found me, and starting documenting everything I was posting. It was unsettling, and I backed away for a bit. My old handle, btw, is my current name in english.
After 3 years of weird limbo, going on again off again, and trying couples therapy for the third time (i initiated each one, btw), we finally agreed to divorce. Only when we talked with our therapist the next day, she said I had wanted the whole thing and I was making the choice to walk away. Our therapist asked if we'd consider separating. I said no, and she walked out. She canceled my cell phone number (our account was on her name) and my car insurance that same day. She denies she did either, to this day. Things only grew worse from there. We lived together for 8 months after the fact.
When I finally moved out, she made that difficult too. I lost a lot. But it was disrupting my life and was visibly stressful on our kids. I found a rental house and was laid off a month later without warning. This summer sucked...but at the same time, I finally felt a peace and deep joy that had been missing for almost a decade. I'm still nursing this healing wound, but geez, i feel better than I have in a really long time.
It took me more than 5 years to become aware that my marriage was broken and get to the final stage of accepting its demise. I did not want to go, and accept that I felt considerable love and loyalty, even during the hardest parts. It was painful as f*ck, and I wouldn't wish the experience on my worst enemy.
But I did survive. And I'm letting it change me for the better. I've already discovered that I can balance a checkbook, make people laugh, that I'm a decent lover, that I connect easily with women, that I enjoy watching movies and tv after all (when I finally get to watch shows I like), that I have a good relationship with my children, that my "anger problem" (which mysteriously disappeared the day I stopped enforcing her discipline style) didn't actually exist and that I liked my children, that I could make art and music and it wasn't a waste of time, that I didn't need to please her (or anyone), and that I didn't need her (or anyone's) approval. And that being single actually felt pretty good.
In the year since deciding to divorce, I have had sex equal to my last several years of marriage. Maybe the whole thing. I dunno. Weird part is that it almost doesn't matter. I realized the lack of sex was just the symptom that she more or less hated me. The resentment had been there for years, or maybe all along. Nothing I could have done would have changed that. I remember her casually mentioning to me on the way back from a family vacation that she "had always resented me for moving back to our home state." Which at that point, was 5 years ago. That was the moment when I thought (and said aloud), "If you've been holding on to this resentment for so long, and you're JUST NOW telling me, we're in serious trouble."
I guess I have peace knowing that I truly tried everything I could have. I still feel the vestiges of tremendous love towards her (though I am consciously releasing it, letting it go, and cutting the connection). At one point, I asked if she'd be willing to even pause our divorce process to consider what a better future together would look like. Her reply was, "I feel too much resentment towards you to ever be able to love you again."
I took that as evidence that none of my efforts would work. And after that, when she would treat me with (predictably) bad behavior, my friend would say, "Well, she's really just reinforcing your decision, isn't she?" I started to see the truth in that.
So, thanks everyone who has helped me through this long road. It sucks that the final outcome, which should feel like a victory, is just a dull rental house, the loss of an absurd amount of money, less time with my kids, and the destruction of a promise to stay together. But I accept that outcome as the less shitty of two shitty options. And I have to say, so far, my kids do seem to have adjusted well enough (on some days, even happier for it).
And lord knows I am so much happier than I have felt in years.
After 3 years of weird limbo, going on again off again, and trying couples therapy for the third time (i initiated each one, btw), we finally agreed to divorce. Only when we talked with our therapist the next day, she said I had wanted the whole thing and I was making the choice to walk away. Our therapist asked if we'd consider separating. I said no, and she walked out. She canceled my cell phone number (our account was on her name) and my car insurance that same day. She denies she did either, to this day. Things only grew worse from there. We lived together for 8 months after the fact.
When I finally moved out, she made that difficult too. I lost a lot. But it was disrupting my life and was visibly stressful on our kids. I found a rental house and was laid off a month later without warning. This summer sucked...but at the same time, I finally felt a peace and deep joy that had been missing for almost a decade. I'm still nursing this healing wound, but geez, i feel better than I have in a really long time.
It took me more than 5 years to become aware that my marriage was broken and get to the final stage of accepting its demise. I did not want to go, and accept that I felt considerable love and loyalty, even during the hardest parts. It was painful as f*ck, and I wouldn't wish the experience on my worst enemy.
But I did survive. And I'm letting it change me for the better. I've already discovered that I can balance a checkbook, make people laugh, that I'm a decent lover, that I connect easily with women, that I enjoy watching movies and tv after all (when I finally get to watch shows I like), that I have a good relationship with my children, that my "anger problem" (which mysteriously disappeared the day I stopped enforcing her discipline style) didn't actually exist and that I liked my children, that I could make art and music and it wasn't a waste of time, that I didn't need to please her (or anyone), and that I didn't need her (or anyone's) approval. And that being single actually felt pretty good.
In the year since deciding to divorce, I have had sex equal to my last several years of marriage. Maybe the whole thing. I dunno. Weird part is that it almost doesn't matter. I realized the lack of sex was just the symptom that she more or less hated me. The resentment had been there for years, or maybe all along. Nothing I could have done would have changed that. I remember her casually mentioning to me on the way back from a family vacation that she "had always resented me for moving back to our home state." Which at that point, was 5 years ago. That was the moment when I thought (and said aloud), "If you've been holding on to this resentment for so long, and you're JUST NOW telling me, we're in serious trouble."
I guess I have peace knowing that I truly tried everything I could have. I still feel the vestiges of tremendous love towards her (though I am consciously releasing it, letting it go, and cutting the connection). At one point, I asked if she'd be willing to even pause our divorce process to consider what a better future together would look like. Her reply was, "I feel too much resentment towards you to ever be able to love you again."
I took that as evidence that none of my efforts would work. And after that, when she would treat me with (predictably) bad behavior, my friend would say, "Well, she's really just reinforcing your decision, isn't she?" I started to see the truth in that.
So, thanks everyone who has helped me through this long road. It sucks that the final outcome, which should feel like a victory, is just a dull rental house, the loss of an absurd amount of money, less time with my kids, and the destruction of a promise to stay together. But I accept that outcome as the less shitty of two shitty options. And I have to say, so far, my kids do seem to have adjusted well enough (on some days, even happier for it).
And lord knows I am so much happier than I have felt in years.
