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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 7, 2020 18:55:51 GMT -5
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Post by baza on Feb 7, 2020 21:11:14 GMT -5
Liked the article greatcoastal . Thanks for posting it. In our/this group, the member is "in a relationship" However, the relationship is that of an ILIASM shithole. That is to say, not a very good relationship. The next step forward - if there is to be one - is you sorting out your own shit and gathering your resources to get out of the not very good relationship you're in, and that has to be a stand alone choice, independent of anything else. And, by necessity, that means not being in a relationship (good or bad) for a time, maybe a long time, maybe forever more. Now in practical terms, this "never being in another relationship" is a rarity. There are member after members stories here where - having gotten out of their ILIASM shithole, they've gone on to bigger and better things as far as relationships go. But that, is another stand alone issue and has nothing to do with getting out of the existing ILIASM shithole. If you get your own shit sorted out post ILIASM, you will handle being single OK. And, as a single person - with your own shit sorted out - you will be presenting as a pretty attractive (and most importantly *available*) persona to the world ... and where that might lead you to is yet another question, and yet further choices for you to make. Key thing - get your own shit figured out. Then, the path forward looks a whole lot clearer. Sorting out your own shit is a really good ides, irrespective of what choice you make about the continuation of, or cessation of, your present relationship. |
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Post by caballotierra on Feb 9, 2020 20:29:50 GMT -5
greatcoastal baza I think the article can also related to the post SM life, where you are sort of floating around wanting to be in a relationship but not ready for one. My former manager was goign through her own divorce, and she was champing at the bit to get into a replacement relationship. I am not really the dating type, and I'm much more committed than the average dude (i've been told); but I also am not ready to get into a new relationship. Maybe I could have fun, but even that feels a little thin to me. Being single is great in that I'm finally in a peaceful house by myself. If i decide not to wipe my counter off that night, I'm not going to get the stink eye for it. I love that part of it. But it is a shift trying to fill that need for companionship with friends. Married friends already have the companionship box checked, and I've just found for whatever reason that a lot of single people are not interested in just hanging out. Or they're in their 20s. Or their 70s. It's all the wild west. Can people say--what did their lives look like as newly single? Did they jump back into dating? Just screw around? Stay at home and play video games? Join fitness groups? Travel? It's very new, and I'm struck how much I just get to make this whole thing up. I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing or what.
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Post by steffen on Mar 1, 2020 19:27:52 GMT -5
Interesting read, thank you! caballotierra That seems to be exactly my situation. Singles irl are 10-15 years younger, which I wouldn't mind (maybe 15 is a bit much) but a 30 year old woman usually (at least the ones I happened to find attractive) looks for the "final" relationship to start a family with and that is not my plan for a number of reasons. I tried dating apps, but that's not for me.... On the other hand, I do miss being with someone intimately, but I don't miss being in a relationship. Maybe that's just extrapolation from two failed (and at some point sexless) marriages, and maybe I am just afraid, aka not ready yet. And maybe most of all, I am so happy right now for exactly the reasons you mention. I clean my stuff when I have the time and energy to do it. And not to avoid a fight. I kind of forget who I am when I am in a relationship, I loose myself. I don't want to loose myself again. Because I like who I am. So FF to now, turns out the sexy smart yoga teacher is single, we share some interests, we get along, text at times, met for our shared hobby once,.... But I emotionally swing between being all over her, texting too much (I believe), asking to meet her for coffee, fantasizing about her, and on the other side, trying not to do all of the above. Because, if she'd be interested she'd already accepted one of my many invitations, but what if she is interested, but needs more time (she just finished a long relationship), but what if all she wants is being friends (which I would also love), what if she wants more, but I am not seeing it or doing it wrong.... So many what ifs. Maybe it boils down to me not being used to this anymore and/or not being ready for a relationship yet. |
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Post by baza on Mar 1, 2020 20:23:45 GMT -5
Do you think that a campaign of texting and invitations are characteristics of a person who has got their own shit worked out ? It might be seen differently by the yoga teacher, maybe as being pushy. And it may well be as you say Brother steffen , that you are not ready for a relationship at this time. If you've been in an ILIASM deal, that experience does do a number on you, and recovering from it, and getting your own shit sorted out, is quite a grueling task and is no short term thing. |
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Post by steffen on Mar 1, 2020 20:30:17 GMT -5
I know. Thanks for the tough love, my man baza. The art I guess is to not drown in self doubt along the way.... |
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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 2, 2020 8:25:33 GMT -5
On the other hand, I do miss being with someone intimately, but I don't miss being in a relationship. Maybe that's just extrapolation from two failed (and at some point sexless) marriages, and maybe I am just afraid, aka not ready yet. And maybe most of all, I am so happy right now for exactly the reasons you mention. I clean my stuff when I have the time and energy to do it. And not to avoid a fight. I kind of forget who I am when I am in a relationship, I loose myself. I don't want to loose myself again. Because I like who I am. So FF to now, turns out the sexy smart yoga teacher is single, we share some interests, we get along, text at times, met for our shared hobby once,.... But I emotionally swing between being all over her, texting too much (I believe), asking to meet her for coffee, fantasizing about her, and on the other side, trying not to do all of the above. Because, if she'd be interested she'd already accepted one of my many invitations, but what if she is interested, but needs more time (she just finished a long relationship), but what if all she wants is being friends (which I would also love), what if she wants more, but I am not seeing it or doing it wrong.... So many what ifs. Maybe it boils down to me not being used to this anymore and/or not being ready for a relationship yet. If I read this right you have only physically interacted with this woman once, at your shared hobby. That strikes me as way too early to be enamored with her. If a careful read of her texts reveals anything more than just friendly conversation then you might consider a coffee invitation to get to know her a bit better. I am a firm believer in conversation and communication, and when it comes to a potential relationship that is best accomplished face to face. And when it comes to texting and other forms of touching base you have to be careful not to let it go on too long, lest you be relegated to the "friend" zone. It's hard to get out of the "friend" zone unless she finds you sexually attractive early on. So don't overthink it, but if you don't push the envelope just a bit then you are apt to find some other male getting in line ahead of you. |
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Post by steffen on Mar 6, 2020 20:03:00 GMT -5
worksforme2: thanks for the thoughtful comment. We have had a few face to face chats apart from the time we spend two hours together. After/before yoga class, walking to the bus stop, an inauguration event.... So it's not purely virtual. Also she has initiated chats, said, she liked me etc., but then again, sometimes I am not a good people reader. But I agree, some in depth conversation over tea or coffee or dinner would be good. I also agree (and fear) to "miss the train" and become a friend /acquaintance. On the other hand, I am in no hurry to be in a relationship, and I wouldn't mind having a new friend. Other daughters also have beautiful mothers 
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