Divorce or not

Thanks everyone. This forum really is the biggest help ever!

greatcoastal thanks for the links. Reading some of those almost made me cry. I have known for a long time that my wife has BDP (rather than NPD), or at least most of the characteristics, although not a formal diagnosis just my observations. I thought that I knew a lot about it but some of the information was new to me: particularly the article on argument styles, I thought the author must have been watching us argue!! It explains why I come out of an argument wondering what just hit me with my head spinning. And why we never seem to actually discuss the issue she originally brought up, but everything else she is angry with me about spanning the last 20 years..... again!

padgemi sounds like your ex was BPD as well??

DryCreek yes when I have mentioned divorce in the past she suddenly got interested in sex, once or twice maximum just to make me change my mind. It is a predictable pattern. She has now totally and completely lost interest in sex so it's a promise to see a therapist. Realistically it is just a stalling tactic and nothing else.

Our eldest cat has got really ill over the last few days and I think she is going to die very soon, she is 18 so she is allowed to call it a day. A bit of a break from thinking about marriage issues until she says goodbye to us.

Here's my guess from my own experience ,and reading of 100's of others like mine, she will then lawyer up, move money, and manipulate the entire family against you. She will play "the victim card" to the max.

It's all about power , control and avoiding the truth.

The identified patient (i.e. the one who goes to the doctor and gets a mental health diagnosis and treatment) is almost always the mentally healthier one, IME.

It's easier to project all of one's maladies on one's partner than to deal with one's own shit. 😬🙄

Dating while married is also composed of "activities meant to test a relationship for the plausibility of deeper involvement."
It, too, is "a way station on a journey to marriage, ... a welcoming, supportive family, and a home that both benefited from economies of scale and provided comfortable, unlimited sexual activity."

I lack the unlimited sex. Dating would have gotten me to that "Final Destination".
It just so happens the welcoming family, I already had and might not have been with the ladies I date. (though in the case of polyamory, it might mean merged welcoming supportive families)
Not dating when unhappily married is an unfinished journey and your travelling companion wants to stay put. You suggest going on, taking pictures and coming back, but they say you mustn't go see what you originally set out for because.... well, the reasons vary.


As for you Padgemi, I've plans to date if my marriage ends (no time soon, that I can see, happy to say). I'll be very clear that any future marriage will be open. We might never see anyone else, but the option is always there. Pre-nup probably mandatory. Does she still want a ring? I might say Yes.

Fish isn't sure he wants an open marriage, he says.  Strikes me that this recent reset can have a time limit. If he can (platonically) date a month from now, and date non-platonically three months from now, perhaps he can agree to the reset attempt. Her reaction may tell him volumes. She should be willing to offer an answer to him other than indefinite faith. If not, the promises ring hollow. She should not resist giving herself incentives to make earnest effort unless her offer isn't sincere.

If he knows there's light at the end of the tunnel and sexlessness need not be part of his family life, perhaps seeing relatives for holidays isn't objectionable at all. That sex and family must be joined is the ideal, but sex outside marriage may be better than divorce which in turn appears to be better than sexlessness in Fish's case. As soon as I started dating, my wife and I got along so much better. The resentment of her controlling my sexuality was toxic. Turns out, she reset pretty damn well, thanks to therapy. (Stay tuned a year from now...)

fish. I’m so sorry about the loss of your cat. I know first hand how difficult it is losing a beloved pet- especially when it seems everything around you is falling apart. I learned that it’s never a good time to make those hard decisions and there will always be good reasons to keep the status quo. A therapist helped me focus on making the best decision for me. I hope you enjoy your Holiday. We all need a break sometimes. But I also hope you don’t stay in that status quo for long. You only have one life to live- you should live it well.

Thanks again. Talking on here really is very helpful.

My daughter has eaten a few full meals in the last few days (ate a whole homemade pizza with dough balls, although I have to say my pizza dough is getting rather good with practice!) She has an assessment with a psychiatrist at the end of next week, at least I will be there as I missed her other appointments due to work. I hope the subject of her parents relationship comes up although that could use up the whole assessment, but suspect they may not be that interested, although I think it is 99% of the problem. I used to be able to refer for family therapy many years ago and the therapists always told me they hardly spoke to the child, it was always the parents issues they looked for, sort that out and the child will be happy.

saarinista I'm sorry to hear that you had an eating disorder. Do you have any advice on how to handle my own daughter?

I am struggling. I really don't like being at home with my wife right now everything she does irritates me beyond belief and 2 weeks off work is going to be difficult, particularly with my mother staying for half of it. I am also feeling very sexually frustrated and think I might explode soon.

Thank you saarinista . She is actually now continuing to eat well and seems much happier. I think that she now feels as if she is being listened to, and is getting a lot of attention. I'm not sure it would be labelled as anorexia nervosa just yet as she has maintained a good weight and her eating is very up and down. We will see what happens - holiday time now which hopefully will be fun.

Marriage update: we had a big 'conversation' a few days ago. I was wanting to wait until after our summer holiday to talk about divorce again, but my wife brought the subject up. She got very aggressive, as usual, and we resolved nothing, she maintained that sex was not important and that I was selfish, and told me that every website she has ever seen says this is true (I should have asked her to show me one because I have never seen one that says sex is not necessary in a marriage). She decided that she wasn't coming on holiday with us to 'play happy families', and that I could take the children away on my own. She didn't speak to me for 24 hours, and went around slamming doors.

I think that deep down she knows that sex is important and is angry with herself.

I carried on as normal trying to be pleasant. High emotion does trigger off some passion and I couldn't help kissing her last night before bed, and I felt quite turned on (human psychology is interesting). I haven't looked at her in that way for over a year.

This morning she smiled at me in a sheepish way and said that she wished we had made love last night, and that we would have to do something tonight. And she is now coming on holiday.

One part of me knows that this is most likely just reactive desire. On the other hand it's a year and a half since we have made love, I feel something for her for whatever reason, and why not just give it one last go. I could be very disappointed, the last time we made love it was so bad like making love to a dead animal, I stopped before cumming and couldn't carry on, and she couldn't have cared less. I will keep my expectations low, and if it is a ploy to keep me in the marriage I will know before the end of the 2 week holiday so nothing lost. On the other hand 1 in a million chance she has changed that would be a welcome miracle.