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Post by obobfla on Jun 11, 2016 19:00:28 GMT -5
darktippedrose, I don't know of a mother who did not experience post-partum depression of some form. My mom told me she had it real bad. Also, a lot of people have mental illnesses in their late teens and early 20s. Glad you got help. As for your husband, if he says he stays with you because you are unstable, that is a load of crap. Yes, poor guy stays with a crazy woman, setting himself up as a victim! I don't stay with my wife because she is unstable. I have stayed because she has made an effort to be stable. As it is, I am trying to get out of my marriage as painlessly as possible.
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Post by darktippedrose on Jun 11, 2016 19:13:32 GMT -5
I wish you good luck. yes I still have anger problems. I'm known for my huge blow ups but I rarely have them because my husband threatened to take the kidz away from HIS kidz. incidentally, its only when i'm around family too much lol.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 11, 2016 19:35:37 GMT -5
It sounds like you can control them. I often think depression is anger held in like constipation. Instead of getting rid of the shit, it stays inside of you and makes you feel awful.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 16, 2016 11:58:56 GMT -5
LEXUS46, we are seeing a marriage counselor next week. I do speak to her psychiatrist, but he only monitors her meds. She refuses to see a counselor just for herself.
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Post by needtoresolve on Jul 26, 2016 12:11:54 GMT -5
My spouse has what is called "double depression." Dysthymia, a low grade chronic depression, is always present and resists all attempts to manage it. It's completely resistant to medications. I used to view this as the minor component of her depression because it wasn't acute. Boy, was I wrong. Dysthymia doesn't cause you to attempt suicide. Instead, it prevents you from ever experiencing joy. My wife does not understand what joy means. Think about that for a minute. Dysthymia is another word for Hell.
Then she gets taken on a ride with the fun stuff. Acute depressive episodes have been triggered by events (one was a postpartum episode that eventually involved two hospitalizations) and are extremely dangerous. These are the episodes that can last for three or four, or six months. These are the ones that can take her away from us.
She is also disabled from work with chronic pain, which I expect is related to her depression and anxiety. Finally, she is dealing with a traumatic brain injury as a side effect of two years of ECT; her memory is like swiss cheese.
Her libido disappeared over 20 years ago when the depression really kicked in seriously. She had a background of psychological abuse and for many years has been unable to control or to move off her anger about it and other things, such as job issues (her successful IT career was outsourced to India). I expect the libido issue was initially related to her medications, but in the intervening years the separateness became a new, twisted kind of "normal" where any effort to change it met with incredulity. At this point, her understanding of sexuality is marginal at best. Major "thanks" to the pharmaceutical industry for that little detail.
It can be difficult to distinguish between long term depressed behavior and psychologically abusive behavior. Sometimes the only thing that seems to distinguish the two is that with abusive behavior, the focus of loathing is the victim; the need to control and diminish is like an attack on the victim. With depressive behavior, it can seem to be the same except the focus of loathing is the self.
What can really turn you around is when the depressed person is in despair over hurting other loved ones. It can get really twisted, where the message becomes "I am so sorry. Look at the pain I'm in. My pain is a measure of how much I love you and would never hurt you." Now no sane person will ever say that. But the behavior can telegraph that message loud and clear. When kids get in the way of this it's not pretty, because these same words are the ones that cause unbearable pain, guilt and burden to loved ones.
I wish we had a little more competence in our psychological services in this country. As it is, competence is encountered as much by chance as by any other means. Psychiatrists are no longer doctors, they are medication samplers. And if the patient doesn't try to become an expert in the field, you can still get saddled with Freudian analysts who masquerade as therapists. That'll give you three years of standing still, reliving every trauma and painful memory without a hope in hell of moving forward.
OK; this is becoming a soapbox rant. I'll close. But back to the original issue - how does someone stay with a person who is mentally ill? Beats the hell out of me. We've been together for 35 years and I'm still hoping we can forge something approaching a marriage.
Must be it's love. It hurts far too much to be anything less.
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Post by unmatched on Jul 26, 2016 19:20:37 GMT -5
needtoresolve what if you knew, absolutely and for sure, that you were never going to be able to 'forge something approaching a marriage'. Would that make a difference to you?
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Post by baza on Jul 31, 2016 22:03:46 GMT -5
In these stories that present as being the ILIASM member being the primary carer for a spouse due to some real (or imagined) physical or mental issue, there is always a question that comes up in my mind.
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That being - "What happens when you ain't there to be the primary carer ? What happens if you suddenly cark it, or some other set of circumstances arise that preclude you being the primary carer ?"
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Having been through this exact issue with my ex missus' immediate family, and within my own family situation, a contingency plan is a must.
From both a short term (respite) situation and longer term as well.
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The contingency plan is likely not going to be perfect, (just like your present circumstances ain't too perfect), all it has to be is "do-able".
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Post by obobfla on Aug 1, 2016 18:20:04 GMT -5
Well, I am trying to make one so I can make the exit I so desperately need. But there are a lot of problems with this, especially in the U.S.A. We have few resources for the seriously mentally ill. I once tried to Baker Act my wife in one of her worst spells. Couldn't do it. She had to be a danger to herself or others to be hospitalized.
Fortunately, she is on disability. But it is doubtful that she could take care of herself, let alone our son. Right now, he is my main priority. I am checking with family members to see who wants to be responsible for an autistic teenager who might develop mental issues on his own. I am sure someone will step up, but I am not sure who. Most of my family has already raised their own children.
Right now, the present is kicking my butt, so I haven't had a chance to worry about the future. My wife relapsed somewhat after making progress. I was about ready to hospitalize her. Her short term memory is so bad, she has a hard time listening to me or anyone. This Saturday, she thought she would take her medicine in mid-afternoon because she felt bad. Unfortunately, that medicine was meant to be taken in the morning only. She got sick and could not sleep until 4 am. All the while, any thoughts or words from me bounced off her skull instead of going into her ears.
She saw her doctor today and asked me to come along. But she saw him before I got there and neglected to tell him about Saturday's overdose. I had to call the doctor and tell him that. I realize she is ill, but I am getting frustrated in dealing with someone unable to consider the thoughts and feelings of others. Starting to scout out group homes and other housing for her so I can make my break.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Aug 21, 2016 14:41:22 GMT -5
My youngest son is bipolar 1. Dealing with a child with mental illness is no where near as difficult as a spouse. He will eventually move from our home to live on his own, God willing. He wants to eventually marry and have children, but he also understands that he could pass his illness on to them.
I grew up next door to a family whose mother was schizophrenic. I think her illness was more severe than your wife's. It was confusing to us as children, not understanding that my friend's mother had a mental illness. As a rule my parents never discussed or gossiped about any one in front of us. My friend would simply say she couldn't play because her mother was sick.
The parents divorced when we were teens. The mother self committed herself to a hospital and remained there until her death about 10 years ago. My friend has a daughter who inherited her grandmother's condition and lives in a group home.
You have to do what is best for you and your son. I saw what the stress of her mother's illness did to my friend and I sometimes wonder if she would have made the same decisions if her father had divorced her mother sooner. If she had gotten therapy.
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Post by obobfla on Aug 22, 2016 17:45:11 GMT -5
I debate that every day. My son is aware something is wrong with my wife. He and I are BFFs, as we keep each other laughing. I put up with lots of crap emojis and funny faces from him. He gets very frustrated with my wife.
I have been in a family support group for the mentally ill, dealing with both spouses, parents, siblings, and children. There are lots of parents. They are the most faithful members. There are a few spouses, but almost no children or siblings. The parents deal with a lot of guilt and a little resentment. Many feel they are responsible. The spouses waver between guilt and resentment like I do. They come, but they don't stick around. It's a very different experience for both, kind of an apples and oranges thing.
Truthfully, my greatest fear is that my son will come down with a serious mental illness. It's genetic, so the possibility is there. If it happens, I will be there for him, but I don't know if I can be there for both of them.
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