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Post by obobfla on May 29, 2016 19:22:56 GMT -5
I've noticed a lot of us here have spouses with mental health problems. I thought I would share my experience here.
My wife is mentally ill. She has been diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder. I am also mentally ill, having been diagnosed with depression. About 1 in 5 of us are mentally ill, but there are varying degrees of mental illness. My wife doesn't need hospitalization, but she is on disability. There is no way she could hold down a job. I have a job to support the entire family.
Right now, my greatest problem with my wife is her inability to be aware of those around her. She goes into our 13-year-old son's room without knocking. She interrupts both of us, regardless of what we are doing. When I ask her a question, she rarely answers directly. It's as if she never listens. Instead, she is wrapped up in her own anxieties. If I am away from her, she calls me constantly. Neither my son or I can leave alone; she insists on being with us.
Believe it or not, it used to be worse. When she was in the midst of PMS, she would hear voices telling her what an awful person she was. She would yell back at them, then she would yell at me. My wife does not cuss very often, but she became like a sailor then, yelling "fuck this" and fuck that" to the voices. I got her to a psychiatrist, who put her on medicine. After a few adjustments to her doses, the voices stopped.
They returned after having our son. She was off the meds while pregnant, but she was fine throughout the pregnancy. A few months after giving birth, all hell broke loose. The voices raged at her, telling her what a terrible mother she was. She once suggested in front of her mother and me that we should give up the baby. I tried to commit her once during that time. Eventually, her doctor adjusted the meds, and she stabilized.
Those of you who take meds know they can do a number on your sex drive. They did some on mine and a lot on hers. I tried to work through this with her, but she refused to either get them adjusted or consult a gynocologist. She became paranoid about getting pregnant again. She couldn't use the pill, so we used condoms. She still panicked when her period was a minute late.
I got a vasectomy, which was a tough decision for me. I wanted more than one child. But to save our sex life, I got snipped. Even though there was almost a snowball's chance in hell that my wife would get pregnant by having sex with me, she still panicked each period. No, she did not have another lover. If she did, I would gladly let him have her now. Eventually, the sex stopped.
Her illness has left me scarred and torn. She takes her meds and tries her best to take care of our son. She does fight it, but I wish she fought harder. I have relied on a family-to-family support group from NAMI, which has helped tremendously. However, most of its members are parents of the mentally ill. I am one of the few spouses. Occasionally another spouse will come or a life partner of LGBT mentally ill person. But most do not hang around long. While parents are stuck with their kids, we can leave. And we agonize over that decision.
I would vascillate between anger and guilt with my wife. Anger at her behavior, and guilt over the fact that she is sick and trying. Eventually, I went into counseling and got rid of the guilt. My dilemna right now is to find a way to get out of this marriage without leaving both of us destitute. I want to start marriage counseling to prepare her for that day. I know it will come soon.
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Post by baza on May 29, 2016 19:58:07 GMT -5
Feeling for you Brother ob.
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It is a hard and harsh world out there, and unfortunately, whatever the "why" might be that has run the marriage in to the ditch, the resolution method remains common to all.
It is the old 'double kick in the guts" to have had to endure this situation the cosmos handed you, and then having to endure the additional pain of managing it to a conclusion.
Highly unfair.
But that's what you've got.
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"My dilemna right now is to find a way to get out of this marriage without leaving both of us destitute" you say.
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Suggestion,
See a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you (and her)
Then you can consider what you might do based on some solid facts.
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2016 20:36:18 GMT -5
obobfla, this is one of those situations (like a spouse who is physically very ill) where I feel even worse for everybody involved - because it's nobody's fault. Her mental illness was a cruel twist of fate. What's worse is that our culture is not set up to deal with this in a way that's fair (and that reduces pain and grief.) Neither you nor she deserves to be destitute just because she's mentally ill. You don't deserve to have to be celibate because she's mentally ill. If you have discussed it with her, how did those conversations go? Or are you concerned that even bringing that topic up will have bad results?
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Post by obobfla on May 29, 2016 21:04:56 GMT -5
We have discussed it some, but she is not agreeing to an open marriage. I do take some time to myself when I can, maybe a weekend a year.
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Post by baza on May 29, 2016 21:20:58 GMT -5
One excellent treatment for our common problem is "Zipcode therapy"
Getting away from the toxic environment for the purposes of doing some independent and objective thinking, unfettered by the daily doses of toxins.
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At one end of that is "maybe a weekend in a year" such as you say. (*Temporary Zipcode therapy*)
At the other end is divorce. (*Permanent Zipcode therapy*)
And somewhere in the middle would fit a trial separation.
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I'd suggest that "maybe a weekend in a year" is hardly sufficient time to clear your head, let alone start some objective and independent thinking. Personally, I reckon you need a week, minimum.
And just as obviously, *Permanent Zipcode therapy* is not - as yet - something you have fully checked out, and so is not on the agenda right now.
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Post by darktippedrose on May 30, 2016 3:23:39 GMT -5
I have depression. My aunt says I'm negative. But I have a much different experience in life than she does.
my husband is a sociopath. its difficult. I haven an aunt thats bi-polar. My grandma has depression, anxiety and PTSD thats not as bad as it used to be.
So yeah, mental illness can be in hard.
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Post by wewbwb on May 31, 2016 8:31:58 GMT -5
My W has been told by three Dr's that she has depression. She disagrees. She refuses to look at the possibility that she may. Once she was a upbeat fun person. Today everything is negative. I have to be aware to not let it effect me.
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Post by obobfla on May 31, 2016 11:20:02 GMT -5
I feel fortunate my wife accepts her diagnosis and takes meds. I have heard all the horror stories from family members of mentally ill people who don't get treatment.
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Post by baza on Jun 6, 2016 3:06:27 GMT -5
Anything available in your jurisdiction in the "respite care" area Brother ob ?
There is "some" in my jurisdiction but not much.
It invariably seems to fall on friends and family.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 9, 2016 13:21:37 GMT -5
Respite care, but not a lot for the mentally ill. She isn't that bad yet. I do know of a woman who had to put her son into care to protect the rest of her family.
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Post by petrushka on Jun 9, 2016 21:10:00 GMT -5
obobfla , I feel for you, I really do. I narrowly dodged that bullet once, through no fault of my own ... the woman I call 'the love of my life' dumped me emotionally and eventually admitted to it when confronted. So I basically dumped the relationship as a 'committed [sexual] relationship, I told her I didn't want her staying over any more. We stayed very good friends though. Met every week or two for something, I helped her through the final university exams by proofing some of her papers and making suggestions ... then suddenly, a year later, she disappeared. Weeks and weeks later I got a phone call from the mental hospital. She'd had a major schizophrenic episode. Being chased by demons down the street, the snow and ice covered street, in her birthday suit, screaming her head off in terror, caught by some cops, taken to the hospital where they didn't have a doctor on duty and she was bundled into the padded cell - and she later told me that that was the worst, because she could no longer run, in there. Anyway, I didn't find out about this for another 6-8 weeks after that happened, when she called me. I immediately went to see her. I met this thorazine zombie who inhabited her body. We went to the park, she told me what had happened, she told me about what was going on inside her now - remembering having emotions, but being empty .... .... I was shocked to the core. I took her back, went straight to some friends' house and sat at their kitchen table for 3 days, just shaking, and getting cups of chamomile tea shoved in front of me. The loss of this sparkling, loving, highly intelligent person that was, but with this changeling being there instead, that was in many ways harder to deal with than her dying. The whole thing just blew up into a HUGE moral dilemma for me. What if we had still been together? How to deal with being with someone who is not that someone any more? Just an ambulatory empty husk. This is not hyperbole - quite a lot of her rational mind remained, but the underlying persona, the emotions had been cleaned out by the illness - she could give me reports on what was [not] going on inside, she had memories of being someone, something else. I ended up taking care of her for a few months after, until I started on my trip to Australia and New Zealand that I never really returned from. But those questions have never really been resolved in my mind: would I give up my life to look after someone who looked like a person I had been desperately in love with? But was not there any more. It is horrible. I wouldn't think twice about leaving an abusive alcoholic or junkie, a heavy diabetic who doesn't take care of themselves (remember Wolf from EP?) - but you can't blame a person for getting a mental disease like that and expect them to take responsibility and fix it. I've been there again. But this time it was different: my mother is now at the highest level of dementia as graded here in NZ, and my father is also in care. But that happened simply because she didn't know us any more and she fought us at every turn, we simply could not provide the care any more, not responsibly. But what happened to Irene (and me) is still eating at my guts some place. How DO you deal with a mentally ill spouse. Ultimately, I think, you, I, can not be expected to sacrifice the rest of our life -- unless we get our kicks out of martyrdom. It may seem like betrayal - but ... you only get this one life.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 9, 2016 21:35:08 GMT -5
petrushka, I debate whether it's worse to stay with someone mentally ill. If my wife stayed in denial about her illness and refused any treatment, the question would be easily solved. I would leave in a heartbeat. But my wife does battle her illness. She told the voices that bothered her to shut up, because she wasn't going to listen. When she finally got on psychiatric meds, she was quite robotic. I almost wanted the crazy version of her back. But I told her psychiatrist, who promptly added an anti-depressant to cut the robotic effect. Her emotion came back. But now she has settled into a rut, avoiding lots in life. Her illness has worn me down. I don't just miss sex. I miss a partner who understands how I feel. I love listening to music. She hates having any radio or TV on. Sorry about your old girlfriend, but it sounds like she was working towards wellness. It is a difficult path. Whether I stay married to my wife or not, I will always help her try to stay healthy.
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Post by skguy on Jun 9, 2016 22:48:19 GMT -5
My w accepts her diagnosis. She works very hard at trying to be better. She has for a very long time. I wish she didn't have her issues as her brain exhausts her.
She does way better than before but she battles her demons. Other health problems take there toll and it's hard not to have extra issues bring you down
I will admit its been a struggle. Several hospitalizations over the years. I'm not even sure how I cope. I used to make things worse as I'd get frustrated and say stupid things at the worse possible time. Now I try to stay calm and only offer support. I used to give suggestion and tried to fix it all. Sometimes the person just needs someone to listen.
I'm usually just content if we have normal days. I try not to just wait for the other shoe to drop. But I'll admit I quite often do. If I know something stressful is coming up I start to worry about what could go wrong.
I sometimes think I should suck it up and not even focus on the SM part of my marriage. But I do feel I'm missing that. But as I read some stores on here I feel like I shouldn't even complain about my situation. So many on here are hurting so much. It breaks my heart to read their stories.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 10, 2016 0:39:05 GMT -5
skguy, I wonder if you have any sort of support group in your area for family members of the mentally ill or any caregivers. I have been attending a NAMI family support group for years. I also took a Family to Family class offered by NAMI that has helped me survive my wife's illness. That class taught me a lot of skills in dealing with my wife when she has been in an episode. Since I believe you are in Saskatchewan, there may be a local chapter of the CMHA around. CMHA has been offering some of the NAMI programs. If they are not available in your area, check around. You may be able to get a grant to start one in your area. Being a spouse to someone mentally ill is tough. I go from being angry at her for being sick to feeling guilty over the anger. It became a vicious cycle until I got counseling for myself. There are two truths I have learned about mental illness: 1. People may have the same diagnosis, but they don't have the same illness. I know schizophrenics who are completely competent people. Others will never make it out of the hospital again. Your wife is your wife, regardless of the diagnosis. And don't be surprised if the diagnosis changes. 2. It's not your fault if you are sick, but it is your responsibility to take care of yourself. If you have a cold, it's not your fault. But that does not mean you get to sneeze and cough over other people. It's good that your wife accepts her illness, but she has the responsibility to get her behavior in check. I have also learned the LEAP program from Dr. Xaviar Amador, which is a great technique for dealing with someone in a psychotic episode. But even with all this, I still feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I think I a fireman, responding to the same damn house fire all the damn time. The lack of sex hasn't helped. I know the drugs affect my wife's libido. But she never went to consult either her psychiatrist or a gynecologist about ways to improve her sex drive. It's her body and her responsibility. I want to help my wife as much as I can, but in reality, I don't really have a marriage. What I am is a single father with two children. One of the children is 50 years old and will never grow up. I am making progress to where I can get my own life back with as little stress to my wife as much as possible.
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Post by darktippedrose on Jun 11, 2016 18:48:23 GMT -5
my husband may tell multiple people that he stays with me because i'm unstable.
I was in a mental ward at 17 for aggressive behavior ( i was under a lot of pressure after my mom died)
at 21 I had postpartum depression and my husband did not think it was normal. only in america ........
at 25 I had a unstable emotions - yeah my husband wanted a second wife and I found a hotel receipt
so my husband is very misleading when he tells people his boohoo stories.
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