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Post by momandwife on Dec 19, 2019 13:29:14 GMT -5
My husband and I have been married for 15 years. 3 weeks ago he told me he wanted a divorce and that he was bi sexual. I had always suspected he was but i still love him. He didnt think i would accept him. Last week our marriage seemed better than it has been in years. Last night he says he doesnt want to be together but we can still live together and coparent. We have a 12 and 13 year old. Im really devasted. Its not like when u do something wrong and someone wants to leave. I do everything for him and our kids. He keeps saying he loves me but he wants to be free. Whatever that means. Im confused. My biggest concerns are that this something mental going on. Our daughter was diagnosed with bipolar a few months ago. Things started going down hill then. He quit his job and july and got another job. Today he is going for an interview somewhere else. He is buying things and just acting really careless. He brought up an open marriage during our first talk 3 weeks ago. He has been talking to a counselor over the phone for a couple of weeks. But it seems to be more for him than it is us. I would like to save our marriage but i dont see how thats possible. He was also sexually abused by a male in foster care when he was younger. He refuses to talk about that in therapy. I feel like im living with 2 different people. One minute he is fine and the next he is wanting to divorce.
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Post by baza on Dec 19, 2019 16:47:07 GMT -5
Hello and welcome Sister momandwife . There's a lot going on for you at the moment, and things look pretty uncertain. This suggestion is to try and manage that uncertainty .... See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you - theoretically. Gathering that knowledge commits you to precisely nothing, but it would provide you with a blueprint of how that scenario might look if that's the trajectory your situation continues on. You'd at least "know", and be somewhat prepared for what could be coming. Meantime, the other things going on in your life, like your husbands assorted issues, and your daughters diagnosis are matters not directly under your control. These are not matters you can "fix". You can be a key person of support to your husband and your daughter, but you can't fix their issues for them, much and all as you might like to. At the end of the day, they will address their issues, or they will not. You can only manage your part in this dynamic. Good luck. You are among friends here. |
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Post by Handy on Dec 19, 2019 18:13:30 GMT -5
momandwife, Baza has your answers as what you can and should do right now. I say forget about fixing your H and concentrate on your children right now. If I was a woman I would not want to be with a man that has sex with other men and you can't change your Husband's sexual orientation for the most part. I know most people that come here and to other relationship forums want to fix things. The sad part after reading forums for over 10 years is less than 1% or 2% of spouses can solve the other spouses issues. The best advice that I see working is work on your new future problems as a potential single parent.
I did see women that made their H move out work but those type of cases took 3 months to 5 years to work out.
If your H is spending money fast, you are responsible for his debts, so that might be the first thing to eliminate.
This forum has a lot of good advice so stick around. Some advice might be difficult to accept but it is for the most part relevant to your situation.
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Post by obobfla on Dec 20, 2019 0:01:24 GMT -5
I had to read through your posts a few times, momandwife . First, I noticed the part where your husband says he is bisexual and wants either a divorce or an open marriage. Hey, we talk sexual issues here all the time! But then I read the part where you said “something mental is going on.” Your daughter has been diagnosed bipolar, and your husband is acting bipolar. Sex is far from being your main problem here. It’s not who your husband is having or not having sex with. It’s that he’s acting unstable in an already volatile situation. First, I would echo what baza and Handy said. Get legal representation to protect yourself financially. I am no lawyer, but I know that in most places a marriage is a partnership where debts are shared equally. See how you can protect your assets for you and your children. My late wife was diagnosed as schizo-affective, which is somewhere between schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I know firsthand how mental illness affects a family. When my wife started hearing voices, I got her into treatment where she got the right meds. Then I found the nearest NAMI chapter and got myself help. NAMI stands for the National Alliance on Mental Illness, and it’s website is at www.nami.org/. My NAMI chapter offered both a class and a support group for family members of mentally ill people. Both literally saved my marriage and my family. I eventually became a support group facilitator. If you are in the USA, I highly recommend it. When I was a support group facilitator, I came across both parents and spouses of mentally ill people. The parents were the main members of the group. They felt responsible for their child’s illness and fought for their children even if the child was now an adult. The spouses like myself were different. We were resentful of the illness and were frustrated with our partners. I was one of the few spouses who kept coming to meetings. Dealing with a mentally ill child who is not an adult is very different than dealing with a mentally ill spouse or an adult mentally ill offspring, at least in the USA. As a parent, you have to be your child’s advocate and cannot be shut out of therapy. If your mentally ill family member is an adult, he or she can block therapists from even acknowledging to you that he or she is even receiving treatment. Right now, your daughter needs you. As to your husband, I would suggest that you gently give him an ultimatum. Tell him he has to be part of the solution, not the problem. I am sorry about the abuse in his past and his struggles with his sexuality, but he has to get himself help. I was fortunate that my wife welcomed treatment. Had she refused, I would have no choice but to leave her and take my son with me. As to you, feel free to message me individually. I know you are going through a hell few people can comprehend. Some of the members here have had similar experiences with mentally ill spouses, and a few of these members were not in the USA . Let us know what country you are in, and we can find resources for you. |
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Post by momandwife on Dec 20, 2019 12:27:09 GMT -5
We live in Georgia. We have an appointment with a therapist and they said both of us has to be there. My daughter is in a really good place with his mental illness right now. She is a lot more happy. She had made plans to hurt her self earlier this year and spent some time in the hospital. I dont want us seperating making her have those thoughts again.
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Post by Handy on Jan 2, 2020 0:58:31 GMT -5
itme
My W has resented my illness as well. Recently she told me “you and your illness have made my life a living hell!” Many women want their H to be sort of the protector and mini-hero. Once you have a major flaw, some women do not see you as a hero but as a liability and with that they lose sexual interest in you. Sadly, BTDT. I was once the hero in the family but a serious back surgery slowly knocked me down several pegs. Me, if I do not respect a woman, I have no sexual desire or thoughts about her. It seems to be a two way street in that regard. She (generic) ain't hot/sexy to me and neither am I hot/sexy for her.
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Post by momandwife on Jan 2, 2020 23:25:50 GMT -5
Thank you all for responding. Christmas was actually really great. He said he was sorry and was really affectionate. His apt with his pcp was canceled due to the dr having a family emergency so it is now scheduled for later this week. Without getting too personal, during those weeks of saying he wanted an open marriage and all of that he was wanting to have sex daily. The things he wanted to do he has never brought up before. He says I am the only person he has ever been sexually attracted to and thats the reason he thinks he may be bisexual. Neither of us have ever been with anyone else. The past few days have kinda went back to normal. He has talked about things he wants us to do to the house,traveling plans, etc. I am still really afraid all of this will come back up again. He says we are fine and he is happy but i thought we were before this happend. Maybe time will heal some of the hurt and pain. I still very much want to be with him and i want to be his support through whatever is going on. Im hoping talking to his pcp will be the first step in finding help.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 3, 2020 7:02:58 GMT -5
Handy said: “ Many women want their H to be sort of the protector and mini-hero. Once you have a major flaw, some women do not see you as a hero but as a liability and with that they lose sexual interest in you.”
There could be other reasons, too. My friend is in a longterm marriage that included a great sex life even after her husband got Parkinson’s. Because she usually has a string sex drive, she had worried about how she would cope after his chronic, eventually fatal disease advanced. Then his disease progressed to the point of his having hallucinations. She had to take charge of managing his health care and being very nurturing. She had told me that her sex drive vanished and the feelings she had for him were the kind of loving feelings one had for one’s child.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 3, 2020 7:07:57 GMT -5
Momandwife said: “ Without getting too personal, during those weeks of saying he wanted an open marriage and all of that he was wanting to have sex daily. The things he wanted to do he has never brought up before. He says I am the only person he has ever been sexually attracted to and thats the reason he thinks he may be bisexual.”
None of that makes sense. Your husband is either lying to you and possibly himself or he is so mentally ill or confused he doesn’t know what his feelings are. He needs to see his doctor ASAP. You need to see an individual therapist do you can get support from an unbiased professional.
Acting like everything is ok now would be putting your head in the sand and setting yourself up for more heartbreak and utter confusion .
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Post by obobfla on Jan 3, 2020 16:32:07 GMT -5
Thank you all for responding. Christmas was actually really great. He said he was sorry and was really affectionate. His apt with his pcp was canceled due to the dr having a family emergency so it is now scheduled for later this week. Without getting too personal, during those weeks of saying he wanted an open marriage and all of that he was wanting to have sex daily. The things he wanted to do he has never brought up before. He says I am the only person he has ever been sexually attracted to and thats the reason he thinks he may be bisexual. Neither of us have ever been with anyone else. The past few days have kinda went back to normal. He has talked about things he wants us to do to the house,traveling plans, etc. I am still really afraid all of this will come back up again. He says we are fine and he is happy but i thought we were before this happend. Maybe time will heal some of the hurt and pain. I still very much want to be with him and i want to be his support through whatever is going on. Im hoping talking to his pcp will be the first step in finding help. Please have a talk with your husband to get his permission to talk to his doctors about his mental health. When it comes to your husband’s physical conditions, a doctor can give details about your husband’s health. But if your husband is suffering from a mental illness within the USA, healthcare providers are legally prohibited from even acknowledging that your husband is under their care unless you have your husband’s written permission to discuss his health. My wife was more than willing to give me permission. I had to remind her that I didn’t need to know everything, so I never asked what she discussed with her doctor and counselor. I did not want to intrude on whatever secrets she wanted to share with her providers. Every now and then, I would sit in on her sessions. I gave my observations which her psychiatrist used to adjust her meds. Like most of us, my wife liked to tell her doctors that things were better than they actually were. Who doesn’t tell their doctor that they eat better, exercise more, or smoke less they actually do? I gave her doctor a more honest picture of her mental health. Realize that your husband can deny this permission at any time. It’s his treatment and his right. You have to reassure him that you are his advocate through the process, so he doesn’t revoke that permission. If your husband doesn’t let you talk to his providers, get their physical and email addresses. Legally, they can’t discuss his treatment over the phone, but they can read your letters and emails. Trust me, doctors do appreciate your feedback. |
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Post by saarinista on Jan 13, 2020 19:55:20 GMT -5
momandwife I can personally recommend checking out nami.org in Georgia. I live in NW GA and have personally attended some of their support group meetings here. They are free, and the support groups I went to were quite well run. NAMI is a wonderful organization in my opinion. I recommend checking out their website at nami.org to see where their closest support group meets. If you wish to PM me too, feel free. obobfla sounds like he has even more experience with nami than I. Did I mention the groups are FREE? And they are generally easy to find? You have nothing to lose by checking it out, IMHO.
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