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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 13, 2019 20:27:55 GMT -5
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 15, 2019 9:12:35 GMT -5
The part 'what to do about it' is not a solution in most cases. Merely a way of not making it worse. As far as I have found, there is no solution. Lots and lots of so-called experts earn their money on writing about parental alienation, organizing seminars etc, but the parents and children that suffer from it don't get any help at all.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 15, 2019 14:56:21 GMT -5
The part 'what to do about it' is not a solution in most cases. Merely a way of not making it worse. As far as I have found, there is no solution. Lots and lots of so-called experts earn their money on writing about parental alienation, organizing seminars etc, but the parents and children that suffer from it don't get any help at all. Very true. I have read that many a judge ,at least here in the U.S.A., will be persuaded to move away from the traditional, 50/50 parenting plan, once one of the parents has the label of parental alienator attached to them. Proving that one parent is guilty of parental alienation is a whole nother ball game. I liked the 72% statistic in this article: www.huffpost.com/entry/how-parental-alienation-syndrome-is-changing-custody_b_5939d367e4b094fa859f1719 |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 24, 2019 16:38:14 GMT -5
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Post by saarinista on Dec 26, 2019 2:29:32 GMT -5
Did parental alienation USED to be a "thing?" My God, what has happened to us if we can't even speak to our own flesh and blood?
I ask this as the stepmother (sounds odd to say that, given the circumstances) to my husband's 40 something son, who's been incommunicado for our entire 18+ year marriage, save two occasions. Once he and his wife popped in on my husband unannounced at work, and once, we saw him at my husband's youngest son's funeral. 😔
What. a. nightmare.
Stepson and wife now have two kids, great jobs plus plenty of support from husband's first wife. She got all the money! That's fine, but I am certain she helped alienate son by trashing H, who from my extensive questioning was a diligent parent and spouse.
So as we head toward the end of another holiday season, I woukd weep if I had tears left. For my H, whose own son shuns him, and for me, as I'm powerless to change it.
It seems there are no answers to these alienations. H has tried reaching out to son, to no avail.
I have no children, and I grieve for my husband's loss. It's a loss for me too, but I hate to be too sad for myself. He's not my kid. H was long divorced when we met.
What's incomprehensible to me is that now H's son has children. How do you raise children and not even introduce them to their grandparent? That, to me, is reprehensible.
Yeah the holidays suck for some of us. If no sex was my biggest problem, I'd be a lucky woman. As for my H, I wonder if his "meh" sexuality come partly from this tragic loss. I mean, shunning rarely makes a person feel horny. It's not the whole thing, but it doesn't help.
The courts need to police alienators better. Unless a parent is totally abusive, they should be respected.
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Post by Handy on Dec 26, 2019 22:35:25 GMT -5
I think saarinista show a lot of wisdom and concern for alienated parents. I see my grand kids when they need something or I go to see them. One grand child lives with the X-SIL but we still get along but don't see each other very often. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 27, 2019 13:51:03 GMT -5
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Post by workingonit on Dec 31, 2019 11:09:54 GMT -5
This topic has been causing me some anxiety. I am afraid of my kids being alienated from my h but I am on the other side of that story. My older son will likely be ok. He just had his first semester at college and while I called him weekly and texted him at least once a week, my h called him maybe 3 times in the semester but had good, substantial convos each time. They will be fine and stay at least marginally connected without my participation.
But my 16 year old....
If you have read my story most of you know this is my problem child. Long story short, his mental health challenges are a huge part of the destruction of our marriage. My son and I are really close. My son cannot stand my h. He feels unseen by him and alienated by him. When they are in the same space my son is almost entirely silent. When we are alone I do encourage him to talk to my h but I do see exactly what my son is complaining about and he is not wrong.
As we are working about separating, my h is very concerned about how to connect at all with my son if h is not living with us. He knows their only connection is that they like the same foods (I don't eat like they do so they like to tease me and it connects them) and they will sometimes cook together when I am not home. While this is brief (and they do not eat together) these few minutes during the day are the only time they have alone together ever.
I guess my question is how do I support my son to not alienate my h when we separate? Is there a role for me? I do try not to talk negatively about my h while still validating my son's experiences. Is there more I should think about doing?
I probably do not need to say this but there has been NO discussion of my h having any sort of custody of shared responsibility. He is not interested in that at all. Of course.
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Post by baza on Dec 31, 2019 16:31:51 GMT -5
You aren't going to be able to run the relationship between your Son and his father ... much as you might like to be able to do so, you can't.
That relationship between son and father is for them to work out.
However it reads like -
(a) - your Son doesn't particularly want a relationship with his father
(b) - your husband is pretty much incapable of having a relationship with his son.
They may (both) live to regret their current choices about their relationship, but the choices they've made are theirs to make.
You can't make their choices for them.
You'll drive yourself to distraction if you try to start making their choices for them.
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Post by saarinista on Jan 1, 2020 0:49:56 GMT -5
workingonit I'm SO Glad that you're speaking well of your husband to your son. What you describe is to me, not parental alienation to me. That's good parenting. No one can ensure a child will have a relationship with a parent (and vice versa) regardless of marital status. Alienation can occur spontaneously. What I hate is when it's encouraged by either parent against the other parent. That's what I call parental alienation. Your deal is what I would call "alienation from a parent." it's no one's fault, probably. Hopefully it will resolve eventually. It's to your credit that you're not badmouthing your spouse. There's no point to that kind of negativity. Good for you!
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 1, 2020 10:08:06 GMT -5
This topic has been causing me some anxiety. I guess my question is how do I support my son to not alienate my h when we separate? Is there a role for me? I do try not to talk negatively about my h while still validating my son's experiences. Is there more I should think about doing? I probably do not need to say this but there has been NO discussion of my h having any sort of custody of shared responsibility. He is not interested in that at all. Of course. I fully understand your anxiety, I had to deal with me receiving the opportunity to alienate my kids from their mother. There were times when they would call me and ask" mom and I had a big fight (spoken in tears) can you come get me, I want to stay with you!" My response was " of course, I will be right there!". Then later, after me doing a lot of listening had to tell my daughter. " I understand, and it's okay. You are welcome to stay with me, and if this continues you can stay with me all the time if needed. However, I think it's best if you go back to your mom ,at the end of the week, and try to work things out. You need her and she needs you too. I want your mom to help you and still be a part of your life". That would be your role. To abide by the parenting plan that you both agree on. Tweak it and change it as time goes on, and as circumstances change. Hope that your H will make the best of the opportunity that YOU have given him! New surroundings, and a new environment to connect with his son again. Now comes the cautions. WOW! the stories and horrible examples of intentional parental alienation that exist out there!! I remember reading that all it takes is as little as 2 weeks for one parent to have the children and brainwash them to fear and want to alienate themselves from the other parent and the child does not even know why. So sad, so wrong! Money, power, revenge and control end up being a manipulative controllers only reasons. Very selfish, just more taking, taking, taking! Leaving the other parent (myself) totally humiliated and left wondering "why? this makes no sense!" (your stbx my attempt to play that as a sympathy card against you. More manipulation) Who knows if you can expect your H to give you and your son the same respect and courtesy that you offer them? After all ,you are in a SM? You are also dealing with a teenager. They are going through their own stage of independence. Hopefully your son will reflect what others have shared here from their experiences. Their teens told them " what took you so long? you both seem better off and happier away from each other". |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 28, 2020 20:17:08 GMT -5
Here is a different -story- about alienation. This one has me 'rethinking' my exes tactics, and personal fears, that may have lead up to the alienation. Also the fact that(as sad as it is) it may be the best thing for me, for now and several years to come. medium.com/@livinladonnaloca/my-daughters-betrayal-a37e85758821 |
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