Post by Apocrypha on Dec 2, 2019 12:40:07 GMT -5
You sound a bit like my ex-wife, who also got "a bit handsy" and where alcohol was often a factor.
The drinking problem was a thing we ended up focusing on a lot - because she tended to be an angry and mean drunk - rather than a happy one.
I think a good litmus test for a drinking problem might be an honest assessment of the tension other people have, and the accommodations or avoidance steps they take, when they see you take a drink. There are people in my circles who I do other activities with - who I won't associate with if booze is part of it. My mother has a problem for which she has yet to take responsibility - also was abusive when I was growing up - and I only now am realizing that alcohol may have been a factor then as well.
I think the first steps toward clarity in my own relationship was in observing what was and getting honest about it with myself. I see you in this post, offering an honest self-assessment of your behavior, trajectory, circumstances, and relationship prospects with this person.
"Contempt" in a relationship - is like late stage cancer. By this point, the sex aversion is well-entrenched, and there's some level of hate and conflicts are used to validate the anger and dissociation rather than to resolve the dispute and get closer. In the singles/dating world, I don't really see people coming back from this to regain that kind of respect again - they stop dating. In the married world - it gets into a fierce, co-dependent conflict with each side trying to win by validating their contempt.
The drinking problem was a thing we ended up focusing on a lot - because she tended to be an angry and mean drunk - rather than a happy one.
I think a good litmus test for a drinking problem might be an honest assessment of the tension other people have, and the accommodations or avoidance steps they take, when they see you take a drink. There are people in my circles who I do other activities with - who I won't associate with if booze is part of it. My mother has a problem for which she has yet to take responsibility - also was abusive when I was growing up - and I only now am realizing that alcohol may have been a factor then as well.
I think the first steps toward clarity in my own relationship was in observing what was and getting honest about it with myself. I see you in this post, offering an honest self-assessment of your behavior, trajectory, circumstances, and relationship prospects with this person.
"Contempt" in a relationship - is like late stage cancer. By this point, the sex aversion is well-entrenched, and there's some level of hate and conflicts are used to validate the anger and dissociation rather than to resolve the dispute and get closer. In the singles/dating world, I don't really see people coming back from this to regain that kind of respect again - they stop dating. In the married world - it gets into a fierce, co-dependent conflict with each side trying to win by validating their contempt.