Post by maninfull on Nov 25, 2019 18:12:05 GMT -5
I was part of the "original" Experience Project ILIASM group and joined here in support as it re-formed. But as one who "got out" and is in a relationship with sex I drifted away. I've lurked back a few times when experiences, feelings, memories trigger something and I need to re-connect with some of the touchstones that shaped my SM journey and ultimately enabled my exit and new life.
By way of engaging in this section of the forum, I thought I'd re-post here a footnote to another post that addresses some of the why and how in regards to leaving a SM.
I'm out. Separated 7 years, divorced 5. I had to accept that she wouldn't and couldn't change, that I couldn't stay and suffer, that I had to be the bad guy. When I realized my anger had turned to apathy, that's when I knew, that's when I got scared, and when I got serious about my own mental health and getting my "exit plan" finally in place. I had been active in the previous iteration of ILIASM for awhile by this time and was well-primed for the final stage(s).
Two major pieces of advice I received from people very close to me that helped me bridge what I'd been learning in the ILIASM group in a way that I could (finally) take action:
1. There is a difference between being "selfish" and being "self-full". I KNEW I had to leave, but I couldn't get past this, and the simple comment from a good friend allowed me to get free of my doubts and fears.
2. I was saving my life. This was more figurative for me, but the STRESS! There was definitely a literal aspect, at least from a preventive standpoint for me.
I'm now in a great long-term relationship WITH sex, but with it's own new challenges - even regarding sex - as it matures, grows and changes (and as each of us grow and change individually too). New challenges were and are not unexpected, I even anticipated that there would be issues. You simply don't know, can't know, what you don't know! Mix in the usual long-term relationship issues of: financial (in)securities, shared expenses, inevitable personal disappointments, "mis-translating" other LLs(!), who gets primary creative control decorating the Christmas tree, really it's about having enough security and intimacy for other "baggage" to get unpacked and get in the way and have to be dealt with. But there's love - and sex - and a desire to really work on it all - and have sex! Relationships, great relationships, are hard work. But when they work and you BOTH work at it, that's what makes it great. Sex is helpful too!
There is hope! But for those burdened with serious, chronic, long-term SMs, I'm afraid YOU have to change and/or leave to solve it for YOU. There's no "right time" - that's on you, what you need and can manage. I'll say this, I - and everyone else I've known who've struggled deeply in and eventually left a SM - all say, "I should have left sooner". But that's not to shame or condemn anyone, don't "should" on yourself! Just know that if you're serious about saving your life (maybe even literally) you have to do some really hard work. It's not a cop-out; it's not quitting; it's not selfish. It's self-full; it's being brutally honest with yourself, and it hurts like hell. I'm sorry my marriage failed. It still hurts. It continues to hurt my kids. But they also know I'm better, happier. And if I had it to do over again, I'd leave sooner.
It's a rare SM where both partners deeply, actively, sincerely engage in the kind of self reflection, repentance, counseling, communication, change, and, yes, actual fucking to make a real change.
I can't say I'll hang out and interact as much as baza, but I'll try to swing around more than once every two years!
- maninfull (finally)
By way of engaging in this section of the forum, I thought I'd re-post here a footnote to another post that addresses some of the why and how in regards to leaving a SM.
I'm out. Separated 7 years, divorced 5. I had to accept that she wouldn't and couldn't change, that I couldn't stay and suffer, that I had to be the bad guy. When I realized my anger had turned to apathy, that's when I knew, that's when I got scared, and when I got serious about my own mental health and getting my "exit plan" finally in place. I had been active in the previous iteration of ILIASM for awhile by this time and was well-primed for the final stage(s).
Two major pieces of advice I received from people very close to me that helped me bridge what I'd been learning in the ILIASM group in a way that I could (finally) take action:
1. There is a difference between being "selfish" and being "self-full". I KNEW I had to leave, but I couldn't get past this, and the simple comment from a good friend allowed me to get free of my doubts and fears.
2. I was saving my life. This was more figurative for me, but the STRESS! There was definitely a literal aspect, at least from a preventive standpoint for me.
I'm now in a great long-term relationship WITH sex, but with it's own new challenges - even regarding sex - as it matures, grows and changes (and as each of us grow and change individually too). New challenges were and are not unexpected, I even anticipated that there would be issues. You simply don't know, can't know, what you don't know! Mix in the usual long-term relationship issues of: financial (in)securities, shared expenses, inevitable personal disappointments, "mis-translating" other LLs(!), who gets primary creative control decorating the Christmas tree, really it's about having enough security and intimacy for other "baggage" to get unpacked and get in the way and have to be dealt with. But there's love - and sex - and a desire to really work on it all - and have sex! Relationships, great relationships, are hard work. But when they work and you BOTH work at it, that's what makes it great. Sex is helpful too!
There is hope! But for those burdened with serious, chronic, long-term SMs, I'm afraid YOU have to change and/or leave to solve it for YOU. There's no "right time" - that's on you, what you need and can manage. I'll say this, I - and everyone else I've known who've struggled deeply in and eventually left a SM - all say, "I should have left sooner". But that's not to shame or condemn anyone, don't "should" on yourself! Just know that if you're serious about saving your life (maybe even literally) you have to do some really hard work. It's not a cop-out; it's not quitting; it's not selfish. It's self-full; it's being brutally honest with yourself, and it hurts like hell. I'm sorry my marriage failed. It still hurts. It continues to hurt my kids. But they also know I'm better, happier. And if I had it to do over again, I'd leave sooner.
It's a rare SM where both partners deeply, actively, sincerely engage in the kind of self reflection, repentance, counseling, communication, change, and, yes, actual fucking to make a real change.
I can't say I'll hang out and interact as much as baza, but I'll try to swing around more than once every two years!
- maninfull (finally)
