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Post by notdeadyet on Nov 17, 2019 11:00:39 GMT -5
Had no idea where to put this so it's here. Sorry, Mods, if it's misplaced. So, I'm in the grocery store yesterday, and had a mild epiphany. I suddenly realized I was lusting over just about every woman I saw, and that after a year of "notgettin'none" my standards of what I'd go for has plummeted. I found myself thinking "I'd hit that" about older, younger, bigger, and smaller than I'd ever have put in my "maybe" box pre-SM. I'm very monogamous by nature, and I was a little alarmed that I was even having those thoughts to start with. I guess going without really does bad things to your brain. Have any of the rest of you had a similar experience?
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Post by Handy on Nov 17, 2019 16:20:03 GMT -5
Bfar
I found myself thinking ........
I will admit to considering someone for a relationship and being more open to some things and not as trusting that things would work for both of us without a thoroughly considering some things I never thought of before.
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Post by baza on Nov 18, 2019 1:09:32 GMT -5
Concerning "Flexible Standards"
If you are in an ILIASM shithole, you'll probably find that your "standards" - generally - have dropped a long way already, in respect to all sorts of things.
Your expectations of your marriage and your expectations of your spouse as a couple of obvious examples.
Quite possibly, your expectations of yourself have similarly tanked.
This "lowering of the bar" comes with the ILIASM territory, and starts to infiltrate all facets of your life (even - quoting you here - "I'd hit that' about older, younger, bigger, and smaller than I'd ever have put in my "maybe" box pre-SM")
You'll find yourself nowadays tolerating shit that one time, in the distant past, you would not have tolerated.
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Post by workingonit on Nov 18, 2019 11:20:07 GMT -5
Absolutely have had the same experience.
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Post by obobfla on Nov 23, 2019 11:17:39 GMT -5
I fall into deep lust every time I go to the grocery store. Fortunately, my dad instincts take over on any female under 25. If it really gets bad, I find a simple solution- talk to them. If a quick conversation reveals that the woman has little between the ears or the depth of an evaporating puddle, it works like a cold shower.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 23, 2019 16:37:45 GMT -5
No, not really. Lusting after women remained 'controlled' due to the wedding ring on my hand.
I was constantly around other women. Married women. Women with children my kids age and younger. Part of being Mr. stay at home dad/homeschooler/childcare volunteer for 20 yrs!
But, the other part of this question,for me, was, had my standards plummeted for what I went after, after the divorce?
I went through a period of needing affirmation that I actually was desirable? It wasn't too long with the help of this forum and a few dating experiences, that my long hidden belief was true. That my ex W is a bigger, not very attractive woman, physically and mentally ( her personality). I was always thin, physically fit and hardly showed my age.
I also went through a transformation in the morals, standards, belief area, as to what I wanted and would accept. I made myself much more open minded. My close mindedness in the past got me 25 yrs of a SM!
It took opposite land to open my eyes so I could have the confidence to feel worthy of women who also look like I do. And be told by many, that I am a sexy guy,and that many women that I like would be glad to be with me!
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 1, 2019 14:51:26 GMT -5
I was pretty intentional about not letting my mind wander. I never had the wandering eye at the grocery store, but, sometimes it was unavoidable. As mentioned above, talking to women is often a turnoff, but sometimes it is not.
For the first nine years of marriage, I worked in light industry, where most of the workers were women. I found myself attracted to a handful of them, but went out of my way to be sure I was never in a compromising position with anyone.
I was also in a band for a while, and developed an attraction to our lead singer. I started avoiding her, too, because I knew if she ever made a move my marriage was done. What a fool I was. That was also the summer my eldest was conceived. I imagine an alternate universe where something did happen, and I ended up having two children from two different women both the same age. That would have been a mess, but, it ended up a mess anyway.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 1, 2019 15:03:46 GMT -5
Iron hamster said :” I imagine an alternate universe where something did happen, and I ended up having two children from two different women both the same age. That would have been a mess, but, it ended up a mess anyway.“
Another alternate universe could have been that you dumped your wife for the other woman and lived happily ever after....
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 2, 2019 12:54:56 GMT -5
Yes, I suspect that's a common experience.
In addition to my own standards being lowered due to my esteem having a truck driven over it, I also observed that the decision to leave the marriage and change my lifestyle and expectations - left me skeptical of my own baseline assumptions for a couple years - not just in dating but also in many aspects of my lifestyle. I went on a kick of "Just say yes!" to virtually any activity that a person in my orbit suggested, sampling and expanding my experiences, stories, social networks, and activities to things I'd normally never have considered.
After a couple years of that, I filtered some of it out and got to a new baseline of what the new me did. I also got a better sense of what I have to offer in a relationship vs what I was prepared to get, and realized how much I'd undersold myself.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 2, 2019 13:07:37 GMT -5
Apocrypha said: “ I went on a kick of "Just say yes!" to virtually any activity that a person in my orbit suggested, sampling and expanding my experiences, stories, social networks, and activities to things I'd normally never have considered.”
I did this, too, and in the process discovered the type of people and activities I enjoyed having in my life. That resulted in my becoming the kind of person I’d always admired. It also led to my without angst divorcing. He no longer was the type of person who fit in my life.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 4, 2019 12:16:08 GMT -5
Iron hamster said :” I imagine an alternate universe where something did happen, and I ended up having two children from two different women both the same age. That would have been a mess, but, it ended up a mess anyway.“ Another alternate universe could have been that you dumped your wife for the other woman and lived happily ever after.... TYVM, northstarmom. So much has gone wrong, but I'm still hopeful that there is a happily ever after for all of us. |
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Post by h on Dec 4, 2019 14:30:59 GMT -5
Absolutely agree. My standard for attractiveness is barely a bit higher than "human, biological female, over the legal age of consent, and having good hygiene." I have a hard time finding women I don't find attractive anymore.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 31, 2019 0:09:14 GMT -5
I think the older we get, the less restrictive our standards are.
One example. Imagine back in high school, how gross saggy boobs were, yet just two or three decades later they're a total turn-on, whether lying back and semi-flattened, or hanging overhead like grapefruits put in socks.
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Post by solodriver on Dec 31, 2019 11:40:53 GMT -5
Apocrypha said: “ I went on a kick of "Just say yes!" to virtually any activity that a person in my orbit suggested, sampling and expanding my experiences, stories, social networks, and activities to things I'd normally never have considered.” I did this, too, and in the process discovered the type of people and activities I enjoyed having in my life. That resulted in my becoming the kind of person I’d always admired. It also led to my without angst divorcing. He no longer was the type of person who fit in my life. This is what I'm looking forward to also. I find myself becoming very open to things that I would have outright rejected so many years ago. Maybe age does have something to do with it. |
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Post by solodriver on Dec 31, 2019 11:45:47 GMT -5
No, not really. Lusting after women remained 'controlled' due to the wedding ring on my hand. I was constantly around other women. Married women. Women with children my kids age and younger. Part of being Mr. stay at home dad/homeschooler/childcare volunteer for 20 yrs! But, the other part of this question,for me, was, had my standards plummeted for what I went after, after the divorce? I went through a period of needing affirmation that I actually was desirable? It wasn't too long with the help of this forum and a few dating experiences, that my long hidden belief was true. That my ex W is a bigger, not very attractive woman, physically and mentally ( her personality). I was always thin, physically fit and hardly showed my age. I also went through a transformation in the morals, standards, belief area, as to what I wanted and would accept. I made myself much more open minded. My close mindedness in the past got me 25 yrs of a SM! It took opposite land to open my eyes so I could have the confidence to feel worthy of women who also look like I do. And be told by many, that I am a sexy guy,and that many women that I like would be glad to be with me! I'm hoping for the same thing in my future. Thanks for sharing that it could happen. |
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