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Post by baza on May 28, 2016 21:08:00 GMT -5
It gets you thinking weird shit, gets you making uninformed choices (or even worse, making no choices) that feed back in to the loop and re-affirm the dysfunctional situation..
It feeds on itself, and becomes self sustaining.
Insidiously, the situation - from constant exposure - becomes your 'normal'.
Your thinking becomes more skewed, and you sink a little further in to the quicksand with each passing day, with each little rejection accruing to the pile and weighing you down.
Comes a time, years down the track where you might have a look at yourself, and hardly recognise what you see, what you are tolerating, what your life has become.
By now, you have tried the scented candles strategy and other 'revival' methods without sustainable result. You have perhaps been exposed to "re-set sex" and other avoidant tactics to assist in entrenching the situation.
By now, there are kids, conjoined finances, extended family, mutual friends and other usual complicating factors in the equation.
You likely feel trapped.
And usually, this is where things come to a grinding halt.
It's too hard. Too big. Too intimidating
So you push it to the back of your mind, try and bury it. Ignore it.
If you are successful in repressing your thinking, then you are not reading this. You have not googled sexless marriage, or seen an individual counsellor or other means of working your way through the swamp. You have, for the moment, managed to bring off the "denial" stage. ( a very useful stage in as much as it gives your brain a break from the gloomy picture ) But your skewed thinking may enable you to stay in this denial stage beyond what is useful.
At some point, a little cosmic event might intervene. Something someone said, an article in an old magazine you were looking at at the dentist, some random thing. And, you might google "sexless marriage".
If that's happened, then chances are that you ARE reading this post (or something akin to it in some group somewhere)
You might be about ready to embark on a wild and rough and challenging path to a better place. A path that will test you to your limits. A hard and harsh journey that will be made up of many little steps, many little choices.
If you are here, you have taken a step.
Maybe you are ready to take another.
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If you think you are, you might like to look at the thread "What's next ?"
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2016 1:13:56 GMT -5
The big change I've noticed is that when I was single I was not thinking about sex 24/7 like I do know. I had sex quite often but wasn't obsessed about it .
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Post by cagedadventurer on May 29, 2016 17:26:17 GMT -5
So well stated. That's me, frozen in time with no umph to make any real decisions - so unlike me. That cosmic event is close. For all the reasons mentioned, I've avoided the D, bur I can't take anymore. I've begun packing, will move out but legal papers will be waiting. Only because of kids though. Otherwise I'd leave it all just to be free again. There's no other language refusers even understand- just "I'm leaving".
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Post by baza on May 29, 2016 20:17:38 GMT -5
The very unfortunate thing is, that the ILIASM shithole has ground one down to the extent that one is operating from a very compromised base, nowhere near ones optimum.
But it is from this very compromised base that you are going to have to work from.
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So little managable steps are the way to go.
If one rushes off in an attempt to straight off set the long jump record (set in 1991 by Mike Powell at 8.95 metres) one is highly likely to land flat on ones arse.
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Post by darktippedrose on May 30, 2016 3:31:53 GMT -5
I know its done my own head in. I often feel stuck. sometimes I'm hopeful. other times i feel unloveable and just maybe like, love and relationships just aren't meant everybody.
I guess I'm a work in progress.
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Post by JMX on May 30, 2016 6:52:37 GMT -5
Thank you for writing this. I have heard it from you before in one form or another, but I needed it today (last night). I have had this weekend to myself and used it to work on a settlement that I hope to give to my husband tomorrow, with the hopes we can work it out in 10 days. If not, I will file on June 10th. I got slow and procrastinated all day yesterday. The weight of it all was getting to me and it seems so daunting and difficult and deep down, I am not excited about being divorced, even though I want out.
I finally finished it this morning after reading this.
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Post by bballgirl on May 30, 2016 14:30:51 GMT -5
Thank you for writing this. I have heard it from you before in one form or another, but I needed it today (last night). I have had this weekend to myself and used it to work on a settlement that I hope to give to my husband tomorrow, with the hopes we can work it out in 10 days. If not, I will file on June 10th. I got slow and procrastinated all day yesterday. The weight of it all was getting to me and it seems so daunting and difficult and deep down, I am not excited about being divorced, even though I want out. I finally finished it this morning after reading this. I understand that deep down divorce is a sad thing because things didn't work out but get excited honey! You will have a better life for yourself. Get excited for your future and the possibilities! That is very exciting! |
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Post by bballgirl on May 30, 2016 14:32:42 GMT -5
Thank you for writing this. I have heard it from you before in one form or another, but I needed it today (last night). I have had this weekend to myself and used it to work on a settlement that I hope to give to my husband tomorrow, with the hopes we can work it out in 10 days. If not, I will file on June 10th. I got slow and procrastinated all day yesterday. The weight of it all was getting to me and it seems so daunting and difficult and deep down, I am not excited about being divorced, even though I want out. I finally finished it this morning after reading this. I understand that deep down divorce is a sad thing because things didn't work out but get excited honey! You will have a better life for yourself. Get excited for your future and the possibilities! That is very exciting! |
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Post by warmways on May 30, 2016 18:17:55 GMT -5
Yes, thank you for writing this. I've been psyching myself up to begin the small, difficult steps necessary to remove myself from this barren cohabitation. Last summer I tried to do it all in one jump. I packed my car and blurted out that I wanted a divorce in front of my mom who was over for dinner and then suffered an emotional break that I've been slowly recovering from. I feel so diminished from my old self and it's going to be tough, but anytime I think of moving on I feel a lightness and I feel a bit of positive energy. Enough damage has been done and it's time to stop the bleeding from inside.
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Post by obobfla on May 30, 2016 18:21:27 GMT -5
I remember years ago when a friend of mine got divorced. She decided to have a "divorce party" and wore a tight cocktail dress to the event. She looked good, and we all had fun.
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Post by cagedadventurer on May 30, 2016 20:31:58 GMT -5
Thank you for writing this. I have heard it from you before in one form or another, but I needed it today (last night). I have had this weekend to myself and used it to work on a settlement that I hope to give to my husband tomorrow, with the hopes we can work it out in 10 days. If not, I will file on June 10th. I got slow and procrastinated all day yesterday. The weight of it all was getting to me and it seems so daunting and difficult and deep down, I am not excited about being divorced, even though I want out. I finally finished it this morning after reading this. |
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Post by cagedadventurer on May 30, 2016 20:48:53 GMT -5
Thank you for writing this. I have heard it from you before in one form or another, but I needed it today (last night). I have had this weekend to myself and used it to work on a settlement that I hope to give to my husband tomorrow, with the hopes we can work it out in 10 days. If not, I will file on June 10th. I got slow and procrastinated all day yesterday. The weight of it all was getting to me and it seems so daunting and difficult and deep down, I am not excited about being divorced, even though I want out. I finally finished it this morning after reading this. |
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Post by cagedadventurer on May 30, 2016 20:55:50 GMT -5
Wow JMX! Good job on the settlement papers. I've gotten change in the past by doing the same. Always a promise of help and genuine trying follows. I hope this happens for you and he does not slip right back to the neglect. I'm rooting for success. I know you're anxious - I've been there.
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Post by JMX on May 30, 2016 22:13:04 GMT -5
Wow JMX! Good job on the settlement papers. I've gotten change in the past by doing the same. Always a promise of help and genuine trying follows. I hope this happens for you and he does not slip right back to the neglect. I'm rooting for success. I know you're anxious - I've been there. Shoot! Once I give them to him, I am following through. He has had plenty of opportunities to change and has never exercised one in any meaningful way. |
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Post by cagedadventurer on May 30, 2016 23:46:50 GMT -5
Wow JMX! Good job on the settlement papers. I've gotten change in the past by doing the same. Always a promise of help and genuine trying follows. I hope this happens for you and he does not slip right back to the neglect. I'm rooting for success. I know you're anxious - I've been there. Shoot! Once I give them to him, I am following through. He has had plenty of opportunities to change and has never exercised one in any meaningful way. |
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