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Post by Handy on Nov 3, 2019 1:20:19 GMT -5
I had a few medically seriously situations come up this summer and fall, now people pay a lot of attention to me. Even my W wants to hear what I have to say and today she gave me a hug while I was making breakfast in the old cast iron fry pan. My daughter calls or texts me every day since my recent surgery and today came to see me which was only normally happening twice a year. I usually go see her. I am OK with what my daughter is doing but my W hugging me, well it is frustrating. I don't feel right accepting the hug or hugging back but I did hug back just a little because I felt it was what I should do at the moment.
This afternoon I was thinking if anyone asked me what I want I would have said to just live alone mostly because of how I feel about my W and all of the neglect over the past 30 years. I am at the "too little and it is too late" stage that many ILIASM members face. Some of us have become the "counter refuser."
BTW, I physically feel OK but have several "kick-ass" treatments to go. I am off several post surgery recovery restrictions and that crazy no fiber diet. Now anything fairly cold is off limits but I sometimes bent the rules just a little. Do you know you can defrost ice cream for 30 seconds and eat it very slowly. One of my meds causes a reaction to anything around +35f to feel like it is -125f.
I am mostly journeying for my own benefit and to see where this leads.
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Post by Caris on Nov 3, 2019 20:13:21 GMT -5
I am sorry about your medical problems. I think it’s a perfectly natural reaction to feel as you do about hugging your wife back, and wanting to live alone, or having that thought after all the years of neglect. I just think you’d feel better about yourself, if you didn’t hug her back at all. Then you’d be living your truth. It’s not being unkind, it’s being more authentic. Once we start living our truth, it gives us a little more strength to do other things. It’s like compound interest.
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Post by Handy on Nov 4, 2019 0:20:10 GMT -5
Caris, it was one of those do or don't do moments. I did the minor hug back because I think my W was truly worried about something so I had a choice of being the peace keeper (default mode) or being authentic and making waves. In the past couple of years I have been looking out more for myself than before and if that upsets my W in some cases, too bad.
I hope your life has improves in some ways. Any up dates to report on your end?
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Post by RealMustangGuy on Nov 4, 2019 12:56:36 GMT -5
Handy I'd welcome a chance to be a "counter refuser" but know that won't happen for me. If my wife ever wants to show affection I will return it but I know it won't ever lead to sex. Like you I consider myself fit and healthy but at my age I do worry that something will happen that will change that, and then I'll have a big dent in my hope for a better future that involves sex. Which right now that hope is the only thing keeping me going.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Nov 5, 2019 20:35:44 GMT -5
I am sorry about your medical problems. I think it’s a perfectly natural reaction to feel as you do about hugging your wife back, and wanting to live alone, or having that thought after all the years of neglect. I just think you’d feel better about yourself, if you didn’t hug her back at all. Then you’d be living your truth. It’s not being unkind, it’s being more authentic. Once we start living our truth, it gives us a little more strength to do other things. It’s like compound interest. I like the way you described being a counter refuser. That's where I am right now. I haven't wore my wedding ring in almost 3 years. I have no physical contact at all with my wife, including simple things like hugs or holding hands. I don't say I love you any more when I leave or we get off the phone to each other. She has noticed but seems to be accepting it. I don't do it out of spite but for two reasons. One is protection. Rejection is what hurts the most and I have decided my wife will never reject me again because I won't let her get the chance. Secondly, is what you said, being authentic. It just seemed so fake if we would hold hands in public, which she liked doing. She would want to cuddle up to me in the pew in church but never any where else. She would want to hold my hand in the car if the kids were with us but I'm not sure if she ever did when we road alone. It was all to keep up appearances. So, I won't be fake any longer. We're just roommates for now and I feel better a least being honest about it. |
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Post by Handy on Nov 6, 2019 19:24:53 GMT -5
1. I haven't wore my wedding ring in almost 3 years.
Me, I only wore it on the honeymoon. I did automotive repair and electrical work where rings, bracelets and anything lose was an accident looking to happen.
2. I don't say I love you any more when I leave or we get off the phone to each other.
Me: I was never use to saying "I love you" I was defiantly doing things that convey "I love you." I never got "I love yous" as a kid and I could sense love or caring towards me was conditional so I felt the words were very shallow. I only do authentic things or it shows that I am faking it and that just puts me deeper in a rut.
3. I don't do it out of spite but for two reasons. One is protection. Rejection is what hurts the most and I have decided my wife will never reject me again because I won't let her get the chance.
Me: About the same feelings and reasons. When I did things I thought showed her I care, it felt like I was wasting my time and effort so why continue?
4. She would want to cuddle up to me in the pew in church but never any where else.
Me: When we were dating my GF/W would put pillows between the bucket seats so she could be extra close to me. Towards the end we went to church for a while and my W wanted an empty seat between us. She wanted to sit next to her friends on the other side of her and didn't want me hearing what they said or adding to the conversation.
At home my W wanted me to rub her feet while we watched TV but that got me thinking sex and I eventually quit rubbing her feet because it was a one-sided event. No thanks to that.
I still smooth over a lot of stuff but I gave up the faking it to be nice. Now I mostly avoid what might become a situations where two opposing opinions is the norm and nothing is solved.
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Post by Handy on Feb 24, 2020 20:57:37 GMT -5
Open rant or emotional dump warning over petty stuff. I bought 5 dozen eggs for $3.25 (clearance store) and am cooking 14 eggs so they can be eaten later. I didn't cook the eggs the way my W does in her "SPECIAL on-line shopping addiction pot" so now she wants me to peel her eggs because I didn't cook them her way in her BS egg pot. I said peel your own eggs, I am not doing it. I put the 14 eggs in a 3 quart pot, then put enough water in the pot to cover the eggs. Then I put the pot on the cook stove, applied heat until the water boiled, then turned the heat off I set a timer for 12 minuets and left the eggs in the hot water. At the end of the 12 minuets, I pored off the hot water and rinsed the eggs 4 times in cold water. This rapid temperature change is supposed to make the eggs easier to peel. I let 2 eggs slip out of my hand and drop a couple of inches. I marked these 2 eggs and ate one after it was cooked and cooled a little. To me it pealed fairly easy but I know my W will complain until the eggs are all eaten. Picky ass people suck!
My W also made up stories about my egg cooking lead to broken eggs about a month ago. No eggs cracked the last time I cooked eggs in hot water. It is the old rewriting history BS that also pissed me off.
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 24, 2020 22:41:52 GMT -5
Handy, FWIW, I hear the real trick to easy-peeling eggs is not to use fresh ones.
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Post by Handy on Feb 24, 2020 23:05:44 GMT -5
Drycreek I always use month old eggs or eggs close to the "use by date." It helps make the peeling easier. My W's deal is her BS special egg pot, boil the water, then put the eggs in the basket that came with the pot, put the basket in to the pot, turn off the heat, leave the eggs in the hot water for 14 minuets, then remove the eggs and run cold tap water over the eggs until they are cool. I did most of this but put the eggs in when the water was cold and then heated the water until it boiled turned off the heat. Then I let the eggs sit in the hot water for 10 to 12 minuets, then ran cold water until the eggs were just a little warm then put ice in the egg water on the final cold water rinse. My W took 2 eggs and from what I saw, they were easy to peel. Now she is saying the eggs taste old. :eyeroll: The egg carton says they have a week to go before the "use by date." I ate one and didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. I think my W just likes to complain and tries to prove me wrong in her mind. I think she has an inferiority complex and tries to put others down so she feels like she is better than some people. Yes, it sucks and that is why I try to not interact with her any more than I have to.
The good part (in my opinion) is I didn't peel her eggs hoping to smooth things over like I used to do 5 or 10 years ago.
Peel your own dam eggs and live like the rest of us, was my line in the sand.
BTW, my W rarely cooks or plans meals. I do 99% of that and other household tasks.
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Post by h on Mar 6, 2020 10:29:11 GMT -5
Handy , FWIW, I hear the real trick to easy-peeling eggs is not to use fresh ones. I use a muffin pan and bake the eggs in the oven. A little bit of water in each cup with each egg, preheat to 325° F, bake for 25 minutes, place eggs in ice water bath after. They usually come out easy. |
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Post by petrushka on Mar 6, 2020 23:45:12 GMT -5
Those constant little nit-picks and put-downs: I think of them as passive-aggressive gaslighting; take your pick. When they 'put you in your place' and tell you that you can't do shit right, they think they wield the power. That stops working when you don't play and basically don't give a rat's arse. My wife stopped doing it 11 years ago, because I decided that I won't play any more. YMMV, IMHO etc ....
When she relapses (very, very rarely) I smile, go "mmhmm" and "yes dear" which she can't fail to recognize as sarcastic and she leaves off. Once or twice a year.
Having said that: 45 years ago I would've been the one doing it. Picky, picky, picky. It was the standard M.O. in my family growing up, my mother in particular. Took me years to wean myself off of it, once I recognized it as part of control-freakism. It's terrible behaviour.
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Post by saarinista on Mar 11, 2020 2:00:38 GMT -5
For Pete's sake Handy et all. Tell your wife to stop buying crap and go fuck herself. Sorry! As for peeling eggs who effing cares? You're basically doing it right. Boil, then place in cold water right away. Peel whenever. The end! Some people worry about all the wrong stuff. No one needs a special egg pot IMHO. Boil the damned things in any old container. She should save your money. It's just an EGG! |
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Post by Handy on Mar 11, 2020 5:38:37 GMT -5
Saarinista, I agree, any old pot will cook eggs. My W buys what is advertised if it is often on TV a lot. Of course QVC is her favorite TV program to watch and the presenters are good at convincing people they need stuff. Now QVC has several channels so the temptation to buy things is even greater.
I bitch when she buys things so she did cut down on buying things. She used to spend half her paycheck on buying things from QVC. I do not pay for anything she buys from QVC, it comes out of her retirement income now.
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