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Post by sparkz on Aug 28, 2019 8:40:04 GMT -5
So I have an appointment with my attorney tomorrow night to file for divorce and I am FREAKING OUT. I feel lightheaded and nauseous all day every day this week, I have stomach issues and stress induced eczema! It is amazing how stress affects us physically.
This is such a major decision that is going to change my life, my husband’s life, and the life of our 7-year-old daughter. I have not broken the news to my husband yet and I have no clue how he is going to react, as he is a complete mystery to me. We have been together 19 years, married for 14 - the last 3 have been 100% sexless. He should not be surprised by this news since we have basically been leading separate lives for a long time now. I have been putting off making this decision for a while because my mother had become ill suddenly 2 years ago and I cared for her until she died last year. I feel like now I can maybe live my own life the way I want to. My question is how do I know this is the right decision to make? Is my body trying to tell me this is the wrong thing to do, or am I feeling so ill simply because it’s a big scary deal??
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Post by sadkat on Aug 28, 2019 11:49:14 GMT -5
sparkz- I can tell you that I had a very hard time pulling the plug even though I knew in my heart of hearts that it had to be done. It took a full 10 months of counseling before I felt confident in my decision. With the help of my therapist, I completed a series of steps to get to where I am today- and I have yet to file for separation. I believe you may be going about this a little incorrectly. Seeing a lawyer is a very good idea- please keep the appointment. But, instead of automatically filing for divorce, why don’t you talk to the Lawyer about what you should expect of the process? Take the time to fully understand what you will be getting yourself into. Then, perhaps seek the help of a therapist so that you are not freaking out when the time actually comes to file for divorce. I began talking to my husband about separating back in October 2018. Almost a year later, I am at the point where I am preparing to file separation papers. H is fully aware of the terms and has agreed to them. IMHO, filing for divorce without the knowledge and agreement of both spouses is not a good option unless there is reason for you to be fearful for your safety or the safety of your child.
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Post by deadzone75 on Aug 28, 2019 12:50:56 GMT -5
So I have an appointment with my attorney tomorrow night to file for divorce and I am FREAKING OUT. I feel lightheaded and nauseous all day every day this week, I have stomach issues and stress induced eczema! It is amazing how stress affects us physically. This is such a major decision that is going to change my life, my husband’s life, and the life of our 7-year-old daughter. I have not broken the news to my husband yet and I have no clue how he is going to react, as he is a complete mystery to me. We have been together 19 years, married for 14 - the last 3 have been 100% sexless. He should not be surprised by this news since we have basically been leading separate lives for a long time now. I have been putting off making this decision for a while because my mother had become ill suddenly 2 years ago and I cared for her until she died last year. I feel like now I can maybe live my own life the way I want to. My question is how do I know this is the right decision to make? Is my body trying to tell me this is the wrong thing to do, or am I feeling so ill simply because it’s a big scary deal?? I think you know you are making the right decision, and it sounds like you would have made it 2 years ago if not for your mother unfortunately falling ill. Stress can seriously mess you up, but it doesn't mean you are making the wrong choice--just a scary one for obvious reasons. A relationship that long...it becomes all you know. I applaud you for taking the next step toward a better life and a better you.
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Post by sparkz on Aug 28, 2019 13:18:21 GMT -5
sparkz- I can tell you that I had a very hard time pulling the plug even though I knew in my heart of hearts that it had to be done. It took a full 10 months of counseling before I felt confident in my decision. With the help of my therapist, I completed a series of steps to get to where I am today- and I have yet to file for separation. I believe you may be going about this a little incorrectly. Seeing a lawyer is a very good idea- please keep the appointment. But, instead of automatically filing for divorce, why don’t you talk to the Lawyer about what you should expect of the process? Take the time to fully understand what you will be getting yourself into. Then, perhaps seek the help of a therapist so that you are not freaking out when the time actually comes to file for divorce. I began talking to my husband about separating back in October 2018. Almost a year later, I am at the point where I am preparing to file separation papers. H is fully aware of the terms and has agreed to them. IMHO, filing for divorce without the knowledge and agreement of both spouses is not a good option unless there is reason for you to be fearful for your safety or the safety of your child. Thank you for your thoughtful response Sadkat, I gues I left a lot of info out of my post trying to be concise.. I have met with three lawyers over the last 2 years, and finally chose someone I think will represent me best. She sat with me for three hours and fully informed me of what to expect from the process. I think that I am as prepared as I can be in the practical sense, and I thought I was ready emotionally as well but this anxiety is making me second guess my plans. I also saw a therapist (individually and with my husband) for about three years, but ended that a few months ago as I felt I got everything I could get out of it at the time. Those close to me such as good friends and my sister think I am making the right decision and that it is long overdue, but I gues I am struggling to pull the plug not knowing what the future holds. I plan to sit the husband down tonight and tell him what’s going on and what his thoughts are, but I am afraid he will try to talk me out of it and guilt trip me.
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Post by sparkz on Aug 28, 2019 13:19:22 GMT -5
So I have an appointment with my attorney tomorrow night to file for divorce and I am FREAKING OUT. I feel lightheaded and nauseous all day every day this week, I have stomach issues and stress induced eczema! It is amazing how stress affects us physically. This is such a major decision that is going to change my life, my husband’s life, and the life of our 7-year-old daughter. I have not broken the news to my husband yet and I have no clue how he is going to react, as he is a complete mystery to me. We have been together 19 years, married for 14 - the last 3 have been 100% sexless. He should not be surprised by this news since we have basically been leading separate lives for a long time now. I have been putting off making this decision for a while because my mother had become ill suddenly 2 years ago and I cared for her until she died last year. I feel like now I can maybe live my own life the way I want to. My question is how do I know this is the right decision to make? Is my body trying to tell me this is the wrong thing to do, or am I feeling so ill simply because it’s a big scary deal?? I think you know you are making the right decision, and it sounds like you would have made it 2 years ago if not for your mother unfortunately falling ill. Stress can seriously mess you up, but it doesn't mean you are making the wrong choice--just a scary one for obvious reasons. A relationship that long...it becomes all you know. I applaud you for taking the next step toward a better life and a better you. Thank you for the support!
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 28, 2019 13:59:22 GMT -5
It is normal for change to be uncomfortable. You are essentially firing him. Know why you are firing him. Whether you tell him is up to you. I told my wife clearly what I was doing and why, although my case was different. I declared how I was going to handle the lack of intimacy, and my wife filed.
My father hired and fired many people throughout his life. Almost every time, the person he was firing would say something like, "sir, this is the best job I have ever had. What can I do to make things right." My father would respond with something like, "if you valued the job so highly, why did you treat it so poorly?"
Be sure you have a plan as to how you proceed. It is rare to find a post anywhere from one of us refused regretting leaving.
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Post by sadkat on Aug 28, 2019 16:08:15 GMT -5
sparkz- I can tell you that I had a very hard time pulling the plug even though I knew in my heart of hearts that it had to be done. It took a full 10 months of counseling before I felt confident in my decision. With the help of my therapist, I completed a series of steps to get to where I am today- and I have yet to file for separation. I believe you may be going about this a little incorrectly. Seeing a lawyer is a very good idea- please keep the appointment. But, instead of automatically filing for divorce, why don’t you talk to the Lawyer about what you should expect of the process? Take the time to fully understand what you will be getting yourself into. Then, perhaps seek the help of a therapist so that you are not freaking out when the time actually comes to file for divorce. I began talking to my husband about separating back in October 2018. Almost a year later, I am at the point where I am preparing to file separation papers. H is fully aware of the terms and has agreed to them. IMHO, filing for divorce without the knowledge and agreement of both spouses is not a good option unless there is reason for you to be fearful for your safety or the safety of your child. Thank you for your thoughtful response Sadkat, I gues I left a lot of info out of my post trying to be concise.. I have met with three lawyers over the last 2 years, and finally chose someone I think will represent me best. She sat with me for three hours and fully informed me of what to expect from the process. I think that I am as prepared as I can be in the practical sense, and I thought I was ready emotionally as well but this anxiety is making me second guess my plans. I also saw a therapist (individually and with my husband) for about three years, but ended that a few months ago as I felt I got everything I could get out of it at the time. Those close to me such as good friends and my sister think I am making the right decision and that it is long overdue, but I gues I am struggling to pull the plug not knowing what the future holds. I plan to sit the husband down tonight and tell him what’s going on and what his thoughts are, but I am afraid he will try to talk me out of it and guilt trip me. This sounds so much better than what you initially posted. Sounds like you covered all your bases. Be confident in your decision and prepare yourself for your husband’s efforts to change your mind. You are right, he will try. You will just need to stick to your guns and keep your eye on the future you want. Good Luck to you!
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Post by sparkz on Aug 28, 2019 17:01:32 GMT -5
ironhamster (not sure how to tag someone in this forum): I really like that way of looking at it, thank you!
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 28, 2019 17:46:00 GMT -5
ironhamster (not sure how to tag someone in this forum): I really like that way of looking at it, thank you! You are welcome. You tagged me just fine. Some of us change the name on our account, which makes tagging a bit trickier, because you need to use their original name. Click to see their profile, and their original name will be listed.
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Post by baza on Aug 28, 2019 19:18:31 GMT -5
Up until now Sister sparkz , you've seen a lawyer or two, and thought about your future in an abstract sort of theoretical manner. Now, you are getting to the pointy end, seeing a specific lawyer with a specific plan of action. Now, it's starting to get real .... and it is perfectly understandable that your anxiety level is elevated, it would be weird if it wasn't. I think that once you and your lawyer direct your focus onto the logistical problems of the divorce your anxiety level is likely to drop away significantly. It is always an issue in these things when ones *feeling brain* tries to take over from your *thinking brain*. On everything you've written in this post (and your past posts) indicate that getting away from this bloke is a sound and sensible course of action. Your *thinking brain* knows this. And you are invariably better off letting your *thinking brain* make the big choices in your life. The *feeling brain* does not usually make good choices.
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Post by elkclan2 on Aug 29, 2019 4:02:25 GMT -5
It is quite normal. But it also passes. You will get through this.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 29, 2019 14:49:22 GMT -5
I think it's pretty normal. It's a big decision as you say. And we are caring individuals I was so stressed when I told him and until I moved out I had to take anxiety pills. I couldn't sleep. And I had a stroke. And when I went to the hospital they said I had one a couple of weeks before that. I thought it was a sinus infection. Not trying to scare you I'm sure I'm older and we have a family history just saying the stress is real. But I don't think your body is telling you it's a mistake I think it is just truly hard. Hang in there.
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Post by nyctos on Aug 29, 2019 19:04:05 GMT -5
How your meeting went well.
Honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out.
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Post by sparkz on Aug 29, 2019 20:57:24 GMT -5
I appreciate everyone’s feedback and support so much. I decided to reschedule the actual filing until 9/9, when my father will be back in my state in case I need a place to stay if things take a turn when it’s official. I am planning to talk to my husband sometime this weekend to let him know what I’m planning and see if we can come to an agreement on anything regarding custody, money, etc. This is the scariest thing I’ve ever done, partly because I cannot even begin to predict how he will react. He’s never been violent in any way at all so I’m not really afraid of that, he just has a weird way of reacting to things emotionally. When he discovered I had cheated, he wouldn’t confront me but I knew he had gone through my phone. That night we went to a movie with his friends as planned and it was excruciating. I guess he will avoid the tough emotional stuff at all costs. I’m hoping that lack of motivation carries through the whole process and keeps him from fighting me for alimony, my pension, etc.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 29, 2019 23:18:00 GMT -5
sparkz, it sounds like you’re pretty well prepared emotionally and legally, but your waiting until the 9th for contingency housing raises a question: have you prepared yourself financially? I.e., do you have enough money set aside and a source of income for the coming months so you aren’t dependent on him financially for essentials? Or to service the joint bills that he might stop paying? If you’re earning an income, do you direct-deposit to a joint account today? Have you discussed a prep checklist with your lawyer? Because, for example, you can’t change your payroll deposit rules after the filing if it’s been going into a joint account. Or cancel credit cards that he uses. Or move large amounts of money. Mind you, we’ve seen examples of spouses blatantly ignoring the rules and getting away with it, so you need to be prepared that H may not play by the rules - but if you intend to, then know what they are and plan ahead.
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