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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2016 5:23:05 GMT -5
The logistics of divorce sound relatively easy. So you're not "trapped" as some think they are.
He does nothing for you whatsoever. No, he does not accept you by the way. Accepting someone means giving a flying fuck about their needs. He likes the arrangement would be more accurate.
The fact that your daughter likes him is either irrelevant or harmful depending on which way you look at it. This marriage is literally killing you. When we say we would die for our children, we mean to protect them from a wild animal or run in front of a train to push them out of the way. We don't mean staying in a parasitic relationship that is damaging us so much we end up in the hospital with orders from the doctor to stay away from him. And...just what do you think you're teaching your daughter about relationships by staying with a loser who is literally killing you?
You fear being old and alone. That is an assumption.
So your reasons for staying are not reasons. You stay because you get something out if this. Whatever that is, I can't see how it is worth your life.
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Post by tamara68 on May 30, 2016 5:32:20 GMT -5
And another thing... Pseudofrozen, you are obviously looking for improvement of your life. You have strength in you to accomplish that. Even if you don't feel it clearly. But he is holding you back. You can blossom without him. |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2016 16:35:46 GMT -5
But mostly, I finally broke down and married him because my daughter (his stepdaughter) loves him dearly and it was marry him or lose him. I want to respond to just this part of your story. My sister was involved in a terrible relationship for eight years for the exact same reason. Her daughter was very attached to my sister's boyfriend and she felt like she didn't dare break up with him because it would hurt her daughter so badly. The irony is that when she finally did leave, her daughter told her she was relieved. My niece had been afraid to talk to my sister about her own feelings of unhappiness because she didn't want to hurt her mom. Don't assume your daughter will be devastated if you decide to leave this marriage. She may be upset, but talking to her honestly (in an age appropriate fashion) will go a long way to helping her accept your choice. Your daughter will be okay if you are. |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2016 20:25:50 GMT -5
^^THIS^^
Never arrange your love life around a child. Your child needs to have you at your best. You won't be at your best if you are in a relationship that hurts you.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2016 2:00:31 GMT -5
"His" drinking, you can do nothing about. "His" self image issues, you can do nothing about. "His" aversion to any form of counselling you can do nothing about. "His" unemployment you can do nothing about. "His" pre-occupation with X box you can do nothing about. "His" on line flirtations in the past you can do nothing about. "His" avoidant behaviour toward you sexually you can do nothing about. Not a one of these subjects are where you have any control. They are matters that only "he" can address, and there is precious little effort being made on his part to address any of them. - So, you get a pass on the above problems. They ain't yours to own or to fix. That responsibility is his and his alone. - What you DO own, is that thus far you have chosen to stay in the environment. And that, is a "reviewable" choice. You could choose differently. - Not saying that you "should" choose differently, just recognise that you "could". - You pose a question in your post Sister Psuedofrozen - - "Am I making excuses or desperately grasping for peace?" I think that you already know the answer to that self interrogative. And the very fact that you have googled "sexless marriage" and posted your story is very indicative that you are nearing a watershed moment, and some HUGE choices. - Interesting again to see that the introduction of a 3rd party (Mr out-of-state-guy) into an already dysfunctional situation has prompted a big re-think. That's good, whether Mr out-of-state-guy ends up being in your future life or not. You say you are not saying she "should" choose to leave. But really you are and you always have. You, and your wife have been the biggest cheerleaders for leaving a sexless marriage..... Kids, family and economics be damned. Both on this site.... (just you) and on the old ILIASM (both of you) for years have made anyone who stays on feel like hopeless losers. Your style is passive aggressive, an "I'm just saying" approach but it's a rather transparent shield to hide behind. Honestly if your sex life is so great why the hell do you hang around telling everyone how great you have it, making people feel worse than they already do. If you are having lots of sex then why are you here? |
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Post by Pinkberry on Jun 9, 2016 1:10:38 GMT -5
I really appreciate all the input. First, what do I love about him? I do love that he is intelligent, funny, and accepts me. But mostly, I finally broke down and married him because my daughter (his stepdaughter) loves him dearly and it was marry him or lose him. I know, not a great foundation, but I was so tired of what I had experienced with men who really didn't treat me well (one of them referred me here, we are still friends, sorry dear) and thought my husband was different. Sometimes he acts like he cherishes me, but when it comes down to nuts and bolts, and actions, not so much. I fear the impact it would have on my daughter to lose him - I don't think he would continue a relationship with her - even though she would be buffered from a lot of it since deciding to live with her father, also 1000 miles away. It was his mother who died and whose funeral I attended. I resent my husband for not being willing to move closer to her because he doesn't want to move away from his parents - a whole different sensitive issue. I feel like he has put me in a position to choose between her and him, and I am ashamed to feel as if so far I have chosen him. He resents my flying up to be with her during the loss of her grandmother despite our financial duress while he's not working. If I keep digging, I can guarantee I can present a plethora of issues indicating a truly dysfunctional relationship. I want to think it is not beyond repair, I want to think he will want to change, but I see no indication of that. To add to the drama, I was hospitalized in March for suicidal ideations - the stress and depression stemming from this whole situation had gotten the best of me. My doctor, when releasing me, forbade me from returning home until my husband was at least working, which would theoretically mitigate my stress levels. Then I had a silly falling out with the family member housing me in the meantime, and was forced to come home anyway, back to the chaos and stress and depression. I am not suicidal, I can still keep the welfare of my daughter first in my thoughts, and am dealing emotionally with things better than previously, so at least there is that. I am somewhat familiar with family law. I know the process of divorce would be relatively easy - I have always kept out finances and property separate due to his irresponsibility with such things - we rent, own nothing significant, and I could walk away, pets in tow (they are technically my daughter's pets), and start a new life. Where I don't know other than closer to her. I don't plan to do anything either way until after the summer when my daughter goes back to her dad's for school. I have warned her father of the possibility of separating from my husband in case of fallout. My husband, along with refusing counseling, also refuses to see a doctor for his health issues. When he did go, he refused to talk to her about his sexual dysfunction and has stopped taking his antidepressants, but started taking some of mine that I was taken off of. He will run out of those soon. While I run around in crisis mode, he is convinced that all will be just fine, he just has to have faith - but no real action. So that's where we are at. I don't know if my interest in out-of-state-guy is just a target for comparison to my current predicament, a pre-rebound, or what; I do not intend either way to run into his arms and let him be my white knight. Nor does he want to be. I just want peace, but I fear being old and alone and struggling. Ironically, that's exactly how I feel at the moment. Again, I so appreciate all the input. I have a lot to think about decide and am thankful I received real, valid responses to help guide those thoughts. This community is amazing. This is all a huge red flag. |
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Post by Pinkberry on Jun 9, 2016 1:15:10 GMT -5
"His" drinking, you can do nothing about. "His" self image issues, you can do nothing about. "His" aversion to any form of counselling you can do nothing about. "His" unemployment you can do nothing about. "His" pre-occupation with X box you can do nothing about. "His" on line flirtations in the past you can do nothing about. "His" avoidant behaviour toward you sexually you can do nothing about. Not a one of these subjects are where you have any control. They are matters that only "he" can address, and there is precious little effort being made on his part to address any of them. - So, you get a pass on the above problems. They ain't yours to own or to fix. That responsibility is his and his alone. - What you DO own, is that thus far you have chosen to stay in the environment. And that, is a "reviewable" choice. You could choose differently. - Not saying that you "should" choose differently, just recognise that you "could". - You pose a question in your post Sister Psuedofrozen - - "Am I making excuses or desperately grasping for peace?" I think that you already know the answer to that self interrogative. And the very fact that you have googled "sexless marriage" and posted your story is very indicative that you are nearing a watershed moment, and some HUGE choices. - Interesting again to see that the introduction of a 3rd party (Mr out-of-state-guy) into an already dysfunctional situation has prompted a big re-think. That's good, whether Mr out-of-state-guy ends up being in your future life or not. You say you are not saying she "should" choose to leave. But really you are and you always have. You, and your wife have been the biggest cheerleaders for leaving a sexless marriage..... Kids, family and economics be damned. Both on this site.... (just you) and on the old ILIASM (both of you) for years have made anyone who stays on feel like hopeless losers. Your style is passive aggressive, an "I'm just saying" approach but it's a rather transparent shield to hide behind. Honestly if your sex life is so great why the hell do you hang around telling everyone how great you have it, making people feel worse than they already do. If you are having lots of sex then why are you here? Wow. It appears that Jason and I are reading two different posts. I guess it is good that he chose to leave since reading varying opinions seems to be so upsetting to him. |
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Post by baza on Jun 13, 2016 3:09:25 GMT -5
I think "JasonL" was also under the name "EyeoftheIdol" (or something similar) on EP. And said he was a foundation member of the EP group (#64 to join back in 2008 I think he claimed).
So he has maintained a consistent viewpoint for all that time.
It has not deviated one bit over that 8 years.
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 13, 2016 8:31:52 GMT -5
So much good advice here I hardly know what I can add. One thing I can tell you is 1. You seem very intelligent and 2. You seem like you know you have to get out of this toxic situation already.
It's very common for people who are well educated and/or accomplished, thoughtful, intellectual, etc to maintain a kind of disbelief about being stuck in an obviously horrible marriage. I personally felt "how could I be so stupid to let this happen, to not see the warning signs when I'm a smart, capable person in the rest of my life?" The problem is that being smart means you can be extremely talented at rationalizing, coming up with complex and arcane justifications, or just weaving an almost airtight narrative about how this is "normal" or "fine." It's not normal, fine, or justifiable.
I wish my old stories from EP (that's where this group used to be hosted) were here so I could link to them. My story is not so dissimilar from yours in terms of being married to a passive aggressive depressed guy who refused to acknowledge or address any of his problems, preferring to hide in video games instead of deal with reality. We also owned nothing together and it was easy to split when we finally did. He said the equivalent of "okie dokie" to my tears more than once, and while I wasn't hospitalized, I did have suicidal thoughts at times. Please don't underestimate how toxic this situation is---take that term seriously. I had a number of health problems during our marriage, migraines, digestive issues, back pain, etc that all disappeared the day I got him to leave. Now I'm in an extremely wonderful marriage and I've never felt better mentally, emotionally or physically despite being older, the mom of a toddler and 7 months pregnant.
As far as your daughter is concerned, she doesn't even live with you so it doesn't seem it would affect her that much. But more importantly, girls NEED to see their parents, especially their moms, model behavior that demonstrates a sense of inviolable self-worth. You can show her how to not settle for a dysfunctional marriage or a man with serious mental health problems. You can show her how to stand up for herself and her value, to demand to be treated with humanity and love or go elsewhere. A teenage girl is so vulnerable to winding up with abusive assholes and setting a pattern for life. It seems to be that not only should you not stay for your daughter, you should leave FOR HER. That's how I would look at it anyway.
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