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Post by Pseudofrozen on May 26, 2016 23:07:12 GMT -5
I'm hoping this is where I spill my story. If not, ignore the rest of this...
Ok, I'll start by saying I was abused as a child, raped in college. The rape in college seriously affected my first marriage, and I froze whenever sex came up. Therapy started, marriage ended, 20 years later I thought I had pretty much conquered all that nasty baggage. I reconnected with someone I had met back in high school college days. We dated, had fun sex for a few weeks, then I moved to his small hometown - and parents. No more sleepovers, no more sex, what would the neighbors/parents think? We got engaged, married after about 6 more months of abstinence. Right after our wedding, we ran home, had a brief fling, then head over to his parents. That was 4 years ago, and the last time we were intimate.
I don't even know what happened. He's a heavyset guy, I knew that when I married him. He's very self-conscious about his body. So am I, but that's why there's light switches. I know he services himself, and even that, he says, takes hours. I was a little spurned when we had to abstain from sex pre-marriage and fell back a bit into the issues I thought I'd dropped - the shame, the dirtiness, blah blah...so I wasn't overly eager to initiate either. Back to therapy for me. A couple years ago, my shrink put me on a med that actually increased my libido, or dragged it out of its coma. I tried initiating sex with my husband a few times, to no avail. He finally told me to back off. That felt like a punch in the jaw, and I haven't tried since. We did talk about it, and he decided he would try. His solution was to keep bringing alcohol home, try to get me to drink it (I'm not a fan of drinking straight booze, much less at home), then proceed to get stumbling stupid drunk on it himself instead. He won't do marriage counseling - the only person local would be the family preacher, and he's not willing to admit any mistakes to him.
Before last week, I had mostly accepted this situation, decided this was my lot in life, some marriages are just different. Then last week, I went out of state for a funeral. Over a few nights, I went out with some family and met a guy that fascinated me. I didn't sleep with him, but I did more than I should have. I couldn't resist the thought that I wanted him, he wanted me, he actually found me attractive, and all my "issues" disappeared with his kisses.
Now I am back home, feeling more distant and alone than ever. I'm lost, I love my husband but hate our marriage. I told him last night that I feel more disconnected from him than ever, he said "Okie dokee," rolled over, and tried to go to sleep. I went to sleep on the couch, as I often do - did I mention he spends a lot of late nights playing x-box in our bedroom? He finally came out, we discussed some things we were angry about, our lack of intimacy never came up. I guess it's just the way it is. Except for me, I don't feel like I can handle it anymore. Someone smart, sweet, and talented is out there, wants me, and I want the freedom to say yes or no to being with that guy, or the possibility of others like him. I want to get out and live again. I'm screaming inside, and I know I'm reaching my limit. My husband lost his job recently, and every day I'm here, he's in the same room or the next one, and I just want to run out and never come back. But I made vows, we've built what looks like a life, I love my in-laws, I'm supposed to be supportive of him, I have 2 pets I brought in and couldn't leave behind. Am I making excuses or desperately grasping for peace?
One more thing, I did uncover evidence of him having an online flirtation about a year ago with some woman he knew through an online game. Found her half-naked pictures and emails. So apparently he can get it up, although I guess that still counts as self-service. He forgets it happened, I wish I had made more of an issue out of it; now it's too late. That could have been my escape, and I missed it, because I had accepted my fate. I could tell him about the out-of-state guy, of kissing him, but it would only hurt him and seem vengeful to me. So I don't want to, I want to keep it my little secret from him.
And I am still talking to the guy and don't want to stop, because he cares. I get more emotional intimacy at least from 1400 miles away than I do right now from 4 feet away.
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Post by baza on May 26, 2016 23:44:24 GMT -5
"His" drinking, you can do nothing about.
"His" self image issues, you can do nothing about.
"His" aversion to any form of counselling you can do nothing about.
"His" unemployment you can do nothing about.
"His" pre-occupation with X box you can do nothing about.
"His" on line flirtations in the past you can do nothing about.
"His" avoidant behaviour toward you sexually you can do nothing about.
Not a one of these subjects are where you have any control.
They are matters that only "he" can address, and there is precious little effort being made on his part to address any of them.
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So, you get a pass on the above problems. They ain't yours to own or to fix.
That responsibility is his and his alone.
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What you DO own, is that thus far you have chosen to stay in the environment.
And that, is a "reviewable" choice.
You could choose differently.
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Not saying that you "should" choose differently, just recognise that you "could".
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You pose a question in your post Sister Psuedofrozen - - "Am I making excuses or desperately grasping for peace?"
I think that you already know the answer to that self interrogative.
And the very fact that you have googled "sexless marriage" and posted your story is very indicative that you are nearing a watershed moment, and some HUGE choices.
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Interesting again to see that the introduction of a 3rd party (Mr out-of-state-guy) into an already dysfunctional situation has prompted a big re-think. That's good, whether Mr out-of-state-guy ends up being in your future life or not.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2016 0:31:39 GMT -5
When a marriage becomes completely dysfunctional, "vows" are indeed an excuse to avoid a difficult change and accept the status quo as immutable. Pets are not so easy to brush off as excuses. So you have to ask yourself whether divorce would mean the loss of your pets and whatever else you value as being worth holding onto in your life. And the only person who can give you clear advice on that is a family law attorney. Do your homework and check a lawyer's standing with the bar and reputation before making an appointment. Don't choose a lawyer just because they give a free initial consultation. Ask ahead of time what information or records you should bring. The more organized you are the better a lawyer can help you. You don't have to set a divorce in motion now, just make an appointment to get the lay of the land should you choose to do so.
I saw on EP a thousand times the mistake of a person assuming they would be totally screwed and their life would be ruined if they divorced their spouse. Upon further inquiry, most people who assumed that turned out not to have talked to a lawyer yet. Most likely after talking to a lawyer you will feel overwhelmed and wonder if you can do this. But there is also a good chance that the probable outcome of going through with it will look acceptable.
But this is all speculation. Talk to someone who knows what they are talking about.
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Post by Pinkberry on May 27, 2016 1:41:19 GMT -5
What exactly do you love about him?
I don't know this guy, but a guy who has fun sex for a few weeks and then is embarrassed by it because his parents might find out when he's an adult has some serious issues. Furthermore, a person who responds with "okie dokie" when his partner says she is really disconnected does not care about her.
So, tell me, what exactly do you love? I'm not trying to be an asshole, and you don't have to answer via this format, but you owe it to yourself to give this question some serious thought.
Furthermore, if the online thing bothered you and still does, then it's not too late. If you want to leave though, you don't need an excuse. You have legitimate reasons. He misrepresented himself before marriage. He does not care about your feelings. He refuses intimacy and refuses marriage counseling. And he was having an emotional dalliance that hurt you. Any one of those is a legitimate reason to end a relationship. Vows mean nothing if only one person is upholding them.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 27, 2016 7:00:43 GMT -5
This reads like you're married to what is a best an amiable roommate. For a lot of males, dragging around significant extra weight, is an indicator of low testosterone. Especially telling is the brief bursts of sex followed by long periods of no sex. A visit to the doc for a blood test could confirm this or possibly some other medical issue.
Unfortunately there appear to be other problems. The "okie dokee" response to a wife who's trying to communicate her unhappiness with regard to problems in the marriage screams of him being disengaged from you and the relationship. In short he holds them in low regard.
It's past time for "the talk". This is where you lay the cards on the table and tell him that "things have to change big time" or there are going to be some big time changes in your continued participation in the marriage. Sometimes it is only when the refusing partner is confronted with the realization that the house of cards is about to come crashing down that they are jolted into reality.
Good luck
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Post by bballgirl on May 27, 2016 8:48:30 GMT -5
Sounds like a classic bait and switch.
The "okie dokie" seriously bothered me.
Why do you love him? He does not love you the way you deserve to be loved. Be thankful there are no children.
Time to lay your cards on the table and go after what you want for your life.
As far as vows he broke those when he decided that you were going to live the life of a nun without consulting you first. His excuses were just that excuses for his laziness.
As far as the online chatting with other women and him choosing to take care of himself with out you is pure selfishness.
My ex did all of this and more. Don't make my mistake and waste 23 years on a marriage that will never fulfill you.
See an attorney, get educated on your options and then make choices about what you want for yourself.
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Post by tamara68 on May 27, 2016 9:14:06 GMT -5
"I want to get out and live again." Pseudofrozen You are right you want that, but that isn't possible as long as the situation stays as it is. So either you husband has to change dramatically or you get out and live again. You have been very succesful in dealing with your own issues. So should your husband, but if he doesn't have what it takes, he is not right for you. I wish you lots of luck and happiness! |
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Post by bballgirl on May 27, 2016 11:06:08 GMT -5
Don't waste too much time figuring this out and when you figure it out - RUN!!!
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Post by Pseudofrozen on May 27, 2016 11:27:29 GMT -5
I really appreciate all the input. First, what do I love about him? I do love that he is intelligent, funny, and accepts me. But mostly, I finally broke down and married him because my daughter (his stepdaughter) loves him dearly and it was marry him or lose him. I know, not a great foundation, but I was so tired of what I had experienced with men who really didn't treat me well (one of them referred me here, we are still friends, sorry dear) and thought my husband was different. Sometimes he acts like he cherishes me, but when it comes down to nuts and bolts, and actions, not so much. I fear the impact it would have on my daughter to lose him - I don't think he would continue a relationship with her - even though she would be buffered from a lot of it since deciding to live with her father, also 1000 miles away. It was his mother who died and whose funeral I attended. I resent my husband for not being willing to move closer to her because he doesn't want to move away from his parents - a whole different sensitive issue. I feel like he has put me in a position to choose between her and him, and I am ashamed to feel as if so far I have chosen him. He resents my flying up to be with her during the loss of her grandmother despite our financial duress while he's not working.
If I keep digging, I can guarantee I can present a plethora of issues indicating a truly dysfunctional relationship. I want to think it is not beyond repair, I want to think he will want to change, but I see no indication of that. To add to the drama, I was hospitalized in March for suicidal ideations - the stress and depression stemming from this whole situation had gotten the best of me. My doctor, when releasing me, forbade me from returning home until my husband was at least working, which would theoretically mitigate my stress levels. Then I had a silly falling out with the family member housing me in the meantime, and was forced to come home anyway, back to the chaos and stress and depression. I am not suicidal, I can still keep the welfare of my daughter first in my thoughts, and am dealing emotionally with things better than previously, so at least there is that.
I am somewhat familiar with family law. I know the process of divorce would be relatively easy - I have always kept out finances and property separate due to his irresponsibility with such things - we rent, own nothing significant, and I could walk away, pets in tow (they are technically my daughter's pets), and start a new life. Where I don't know other than closer to her. I don't plan to do anything either way until after the summer when my daughter goes back to her dad's for school. I have warned her father of the possibility of separating from my husband in case of fallout.
My husband, along with refusing counseling, also refuses to see a doctor for his health issues. When he did go, he refused to talk to her about his sexual dysfunction and has stopped taking his antidepressants, but started taking some of mine that I was taken off of. He will run out of those soon. While I run around in crisis mode, he is convinced that all will be just fine, he just has to have faith - but no real action. So that's where we are at. I don't know if my interest in out-of-state-guy is just a target for comparison to my current predicament, a pre-rebound, or what; I do not intend either way to run into his arms and let him be my white knight. Nor does he want to be. I just want peace, but I fear being old and alone and struggling. Ironically, that's exactly how I feel at the moment.
Again, I so appreciate all the input. I have a lot to think about decide and am thankful I received real, valid responses to help guide those thoughts. This community is amazing.
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Post by bballgirl on May 27, 2016 11:55:11 GMT -5
Funny - Intelligent - Accepts me
I have that from friends. Humor, smarts and comfort are not hard things to find.
Seriously and with no disrespect your husband is extremely selfish. You end up in the hospital because of him and he is not willing to put in any effort.
Fuck him!!
Find your strength and go after your peace.
Here's the thing you want to be with someone that wants to be with you. That's what you deserve. Some men don't like sex with a woman and their reset sex sucks!
The same way I don't want to go to a concert with someone that isn't into music, I don't want someone in my bed that isn't into worshipping pussy the same way I would for them.
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Post by lwoetin on May 27, 2016 12:14:19 GMT -5
Now I am back home, feeling more distant and alone than ever. I'm lost, I love my husband but hate our marriage....But I made vows, we've built what looks like a life, I love my in-laws, I'm supposed to be supportive of him, I have 2 pets I brought in and couldn't leave behind. Am I making excuses or desperately grasping for peace? I usually try to find something good in others' marriage since the good is the reason I choose to stay in mine. I love my husband... I made vows, we've built what looks like a life... I love my in-laws... What you are missing is him loving you back. Not that he doesn't. But you don't feel that he does. Okie dokie is vague don't you think? So you have to find out before you lose the good in your marriage. Then it would definitely be done. So don't be afraid. Be brave. Good luck. <It's helpful in the decision making/staying strong to know that there is an option that is good (or better?) waiting on the other side.> |
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Post by 3000more on May 27, 2016 13:08:15 GMT -5
Funny - Intelligent - Accepts me I have that from friends. Humor, smarts and comfort are not hard things to find. Seriously and with no disrespect your husband is extremely selfish. You end up in the hospital because of him and he is not willing to put in any effort. Fuck him!! Find your strength and go after your peace. Here's the thing you want to be with someone that wants to be with you. That's what you deserve. Some men don't like sex with a woman and their reset sex sucks! The same way I don't want to go to a concert with someone that isn't into music, I don't want someone in my bed that isn't into worshipping pussy the same way I would for them. Sorry for the little hijack, but this is such a beautiful quote I wanted to bring some attention to it, "I don't want someone in my bed that isn't into worshipping pussy the same way I would for them." |
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Post by wewbwb on May 27, 2016 15:04:05 GMT -5
All I can contribute here that hasn't been said it the "time" factor. It's only going to be worse the longer you are in the marriage - assuming nothing changes - and I see nothing that will make me believe it will.
If his answer is "okay dokey" - to you opening up to him- SMH-
What's left after that?
"Whatever"?
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2016 17:51:28 GMT -5
I might sound like a bitch here, but:
1 - It seems like you had doubts about marrying him in the first place.
2 - There were early red flags. That whole bit about being abstinent because "what would people think?" Wrong, wrong, and more wrong. In a situation where you live in a prudish small town or something, a man who really desires you would come up with creative, fun ways to sneak around for sex! (And I would fall madly in love with a man who did that. Forbidden situations excite me. But anyway....if he *really* wants you, he will find a way. NOT chicken out.)
3 - Anybody who plays a lot of video games - to me, that's a bad sign. If his real life is not that great, can't he find ways to make it better? Or - if that is truly impossible - find distractions that are less passive than video games.
4 - You have to live where *he* wants to live? Do your needs and preferences matter at all?
5 - "Okie-dokey"? Um, NOkey--dokie! That response was completely disrespectful. Did you tell him so, at any time afterwards? I really hope you called him on that.
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Post by obobfla on May 27, 2016 18:08:20 GMT -5
Normally, I would not say what to do. You have years with your husband, and we only know what you tell us. But that being said, there are some major red flags in your story.
He does not visit you after you are hospitalized for suicidal thoughts? That's a huge one. He refuses to seek treatment for his own problems? He is a Pharoah - King of Denial. He keeps you from your daughter? That would ignite my inner grizzly bear. No one comes between me and my child!
I know you have a lot on your plate. But you need some serenity, and you are not getting it at home. I hope you find it.
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