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Post by 2019change on Jul 29, 2019 12:00:26 GMT -5
One paragraphy you wrote stuck out to me.
"I love him so deeply. We have the most amazing connection. Great communication, great humor, good understanding. We support each other and are good listeners to one another. We have amazing plans for the future".
Apart from the first thing you said the rest seems completely untrue as he doesn't understand your needs, wont take steps towards resolving this, shows lack of support and empathy, wont discuss or listen. And your amazing future plans just imagine years of him avoiding you and your needs.
We all wrap ourselves in our needs and wants and believe we will get them if we wait. The most painful thing you can do is is tear down those walls and see the reality. For every wonderful thing you say he is his actions show different.
You so want to belief the best of him and you are looking for something to explain it and the asexual explanation is a wonderful thing to hang your hat on but in the end it irrelevant.
How are you going to feel in 10 years?
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 29, 2019 13:15:10 GMT -5
Neither you nor your husband can make him have a libido. There are people who are asexual. Sounds like your husband is one. Not desiring sex is as normal and unchangeable for them as having s libido is for you. If this is not the kind of husband you want then you need to let go of the marriage and move on while being thankful you didn’t waste more years with him or have kids with him. If not you’ll find yourself feeling more stuck and miserable after you’ve aged out of your prime.
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 29, 2019 13:15:44 GMT -5
I'm 28. Been married for 2 years, known H for 4. No kids. I feel like I'm too young to be in this situation. My friends keep telling me about their amazing sex last night. This issue has actually been going on from day one. We haven't had sex in over a year now. Not on our wedding night nor our honeymoon. I cried myself to sleep both times. Ok, I am going to be very blunt. RUN!!!
Don't try counseling, don't beg, don't ask, don't explain. RUN!! He is not going to change. You are still in your 20's and have no kids, so you have your entire life in front of you. Please don't waste any more of your life in the friend zone with this man who doesn't want to fuck you. It may be that he is asexual, it may be that he likes men, or he may just not be attracted. But whatever it is, the effect on you is the same.
I was in your situation back in 1988. No sex on the wedding night or honeymoon, and I thought if I just tried hard enough, it would get better. I waited for 28 years. Please don't repeat my mistake. If only there was someone then who had told me what I am telling you now I might have listened and not lost 30 years of my life.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2019 13:23:48 GMT -5
Fast forward ahead 25 years and........I am you. You will chase all of the whys, you will do all of the things they tell you might make it better, you will see glimpses of improvement only to have those crumbs swept away, your resentments will build to the point that they alone could destroy your relationship, after all of this you will be right where you started.
I came to view my W's sexuality the same way I view her height. Her height is her height. No matter how much I may want her to be taller...she isn't going to be taller. It's not that simple but sometimes it feels that simple. The kind of relationship that you want, the playfulness, the openness, the intimate connection simply isn't possible. 4-years is not a phase, it's your life.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 29, 2019 13:26:26 GMT -5
Pretty much this. Read it over and over until you've internalized it. And don't get trapped into his promises to change once you've shown your cards. Its called hysterical bonding and it doesnt work. Ok, I am going to be very blunt. RUN!!!
Don't try counseling, don't beg, don't ask, don't explain. RUN!! He is not going to change. You are still in your 20's and have no kids, so you have your entire life in front of you. Please don't waste any more of your life in the friend zone with this man who doesn't want to fuck you. It may be that he is asexual, it may be that he likes men, or he may just not be attracted. But whatever it is, the effect on you is the same
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Post by h on Jul 29, 2019 15:28:24 GMT -5
stillhopeful I'm in a very similar situation except I didn't have the blinders ripped off me until 9 years in. I just had my 11th anniversary a few days ago and still not much has changed. The difference is that now our finances are so mixed up and intertwined that divorce is much more complicated. On top of that, since our marriage has lasted so long, even if I divorced her, I'll have significant alimony to pay that I couldn't afford. Get out early. Get out as fast as you can. Don't let this drag on and waste a decade of your life like I did.
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Post by stillhopeful on Jul 30, 2019 10:28:46 GMT -5
Oh wow. Well these replies are a lot to take in. I've never spoken about this to anyone so finding this forum and reading other people's stories and experiences are helpful. Sadly I can tell most dont end too well for us. Um, well yeah. I will have to consider leaving. It might take me a while, but at least I got my blinds ripped off.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2019 14:31:47 GMT -5
Oh wow. Well these replies are a lot to take in. I've never spoken about this to anyone so finding this forum and reading other people's stories and experiences are helpful. Sadly I can tell most dont end too well for us. Um, well yeah. I will have to consider leaving. It might take me a while, but at least I got my blinds ripped off. Yeah, it sucks. I know we all laid it out there bluntly but it's important that you understand. How it ends is up to you. In these responses there are "stayers" and "leavers" and both are viable options. But, as a stayer myself, you just need to know what that means. I look at it like a trip I was planning to Paris that, ultimately, didn't go to Paris. The trip went somewhere else but I have enjoyed most of it, I just didn't get to take exactly the trip I thought I signed up for.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 30, 2019 15:45:01 GMT -5
stillhopeful, keep in mind that this is not the “I Fixed My Sexless Marriage” site, so what we have to share is “Don’t make the same mistakes we did”. If you do find that site, please send us a link - we’d like to find it too.
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 30, 2019 16:36:19 GMT -5
Oh wow. Well these replies are a lot to take in. I've never spoken about this to anyone so finding this forum and reading other people's stories and experiences are helpful. Sadly I can tell most dont end too well for us. Um, well yeah. I will have to consider leaving. It might take me a while, but at least I got my blinds ripped off.
I am sorry to be so negative, but I have been there, and I would not wish my experience on anyone. However, if you do choose to stay, there is a specific section of the board for that. You will still need support and people to talk to.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 30, 2019 18:07:41 GMT -5
Allow me to suggest you try a Divorce Recovery Class in your area. You will find trained counselors who have dealt with, all kinds of problems that end a marriage; alcohol , drugs, gambling, porn, gays, lesbians,assexual, greysexual, sexless marriage, physical and mental abuse, narcissism, etc...
My experience was that several people go to these classes before divorcing. It gives them that much needed "confirmation" that they are making the right decision. And how to overcome the FOG (Fear Obligation, and Guilt).
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Post by stillhopeful on Jul 31, 2019 1:45:12 GMT -5
greatcoastal thank you for the advice. Ill look into that. @tooyoungtobeold yes I agree, it is up to me and its important I know what Im up against. Its funny because you would expect a person to realize the situation of his own marriage after 4 years but yeah apparently reality hit me hard. It hurts but its important to know, and ASAP. So Im pretty glad I found this site. DryCreek I actually didnt know exactly what to expect on this forum and its starting to make sense to me all together. It just takes some time as a newbie to take all this in you know? One day your unaware of your state, and just fully optimistic and then bam you get hit with the truth. But yeh. I agree, there probably isn't any fixing, there's leaving or coping. I'll take it a day at a time for now. Pull my thoughts together and grab a support system. Thanks everyone for your insights. It hurt but I guess its what I needed
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cobweb
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by cobweb on Jul 31, 2019 3:54:17 GMT -5
Hi stillhopeful. Your story is so similiar to mine and even two decades later I remember the sadness I felt on our honeymoon. I'm so sorry your best friend and apparent soul mate are going through such troubling times. The only thing I would say is that although everything else appears great, in those early years, the lack of intimacy and affection wears away at everything good in a relationship, or at least it did in mine. The resentment just grows. Your own self esteem will be chipped away to nothing. Listen to the advice of those who have been on this forum a long time (I joined last month!) and understand that it is really highly unlikely that you will end up in a sexually fulfilling marriage with your current husband in the future. If that is important to you, and it certainly seems that you recognize the incompatibility now, then you need to take action. I was wondering, has your husband had successful relationships before you? I don't know how old he is but you mention you had a previous boyfriend, so had he had a girlfriend? My husband was 26yrs old when we met and it wasn't til a long way into our marriage (in counselling) that I found out that he had only had one rather clumsy sexual encounter prior to meeting me. For a good looking guy that was surprising. He had always batted away my questions about past girlfriends, saying it wasn't polite to talk about ones ex's...... Regarding the stress excuse what about when you go on holiday? I presume you have had time off work in the last few years? Has he been enthusiastic then, when day to day stresses have been taken away? I know you want to hang on to your marriage but marriage does mean a compatible sex life for both partners.
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Post by stillhopeful on Jul 31, 2019 6:26:34 GMT -5
Hi stillhopeful. Your story is so similiar to mine and even two decades later I remember the sadness I felt on our honeymoon. I'm so sorry your best friend and apparent soul mate are going through such troubling times. The only thing I would say is that although everything else appears great, in those early years, the lack of intimacy and affection wears away at everything good in a relationship, or at least it did in mine. The resentment just grows. Your own self esteem will be chipped away to nothing. Listen to the advice of those who have been on this forum a long time (I joined last month!) and understand that it is really highly unlikely that you will end up in a sexually fulfilling marriage with your current husband in the future. If that is important to you, and it certainly seems that you recognize the incompatibility now, then you need to take action. I was wondering, has your husband had successful relationships before you? I don't know how old he is but you mention you had a previous boyfriend, so had he had a girlfriend? My husband was 26yrs old when we met and it wasn't til a long way into our marriage (in counselling) that I found out that he had only had one rather clumsy sexual encounter prior to meeting me. For a good looking guy that was surprising. He had always batted away my questions about past girlfriends, saying it wasn't polite to talk about ones ex's...... Regarding the stress excuse what about when you go on holiday? I presume you have had time off work in the last few years? Has he been enthusiastic then, when day to day stresses have been taken away? I know you want to hang on to your marriage but marriage does mean a compatible sex life for both partners. Hi @conweb. I agree, it is super important. about your question, I'm actually not too sure. Ill have to ask him about that. He doesnt usually like talking about sex, but I dont mind putting him in an akward position with these kind of questions. I do know he had several other girlfriends before he met me and was never the one night stand kind of guy. When we go on holiday we usually dont have sex at all. We did have a great 4 day random vacation once, in which he was very sexually active. He was in a really good mood all those days and had no troubles on his mind.
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cobweb
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by cobweb on Jul 31, 2019 6:56:51 GMT -5
Good luck with that conversation re ex-partners stillhopeful. He response may help to give you an idea how long this has been a problem for him, even if he doesn't tell you the whole story you will perhaps get some clues. Also, why is he so stressed? You are young and with no children / big financial responsibilities. Why can't he change things? Sure everyone goes through stressful times but if life is an endless source of stress than surely that needs changing. Or is it a good thing to hide behind? Maybe he needs to maintain the high stress situation in order to have his excuse. What would he do if you said 'change your job or I'm off? I can't cope with you being so stressy all the time'?
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