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Post by lessingham on Jun 25, 2019 16:39:17 GMT -5
Not sure where this goes, but an interesting weekend in chez Lessingham. My brother in law came over and he and my wife were chewing the fat. Now, one of the myths of our marriage is her father. She told me he was a bully and a nasty bit of work. He never loved her and made her childhood hell. I met the guy and yes, he was a bad tempered bastard. Wife and brother talked and he said he hated his dad as he could never do anything right. My wife concurred and then the brother said, "but you were his favourite, he really liked you and always wanted you around. They compared memories and a new history emerged of a man trapped in a marriage with a bitch wife, who loved my wife as a child and really tried hard with her. I have lived with the shadow of this guy all through my marriage, if I lost my temper, I was him. If I tried to do things my way, I was him. She was always dragging me down to his caricature and now it seem this was her myth, her wrong idea. Not sure if this means she will do a lot more introspection, or if things will now change. But it was an eye opener of a talk.
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Post by baza on Jun 25, 2019 19:55:53 GMT -5
Unless you are in your first ever adult relationship, it is just about inevitable that you will be carrying some baggage from your previous relationship, or the one before that, or the one before that. Or maybe just baggage from the example you observed in your family dynamic when you were a kid. That would be true for your missus Brother lessingham , and for you, and for me. For everyone really. And there is not a real lot that you can do about other peoples baggage. There is however, plenty one can do about ones own baggage .... but doing so is one of the most challenging things one can undertake.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 25, 2019 22:52:37 GMT -5
1000x this When you worry about other people's baggage, spouse included, you are conveniently choosing to ignore your own. Fix your baggage people. Then see what opportunities the world presents. There is however, plenty one can do about ones own baggage .... but doing so is one of the most challenging things one can undertake.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 26, 2019 7:04:41 GMT -5
1000x this When you worry about other people's baggage, spouse included, you are conveniently choosing to ignore your own. Fix your baggage people. Then see what opportunities the world presents. There is however, plenty one can do about ones own baggage .... but doing so is one of the most challenging things one can undertake. Totally agree. The myth my ex had was that her stepfather raped her for years on end. With some time-given perspective her story has fallen apart. Nothing I could do about it except work on my own baggage. That way when I finally left I wasn't so encumbered by my own shit that I couldn't get through the door. The process continues, but working on your own baggage is so necessary and so rewarding.
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Hmmmmmm.
Jun 27, 2019 2:40:21 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by lessingham on Jun 27, 2019 2:40:21 GMT -5
I agree about sorting out your own baggage but when your wife beats you around the head with hers, then one take an interest. I am also interested in what myth emerges to take its place.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 27, 2019 8:00:19 GMT -5
You are in her frame, worrying about her baggage. Thats her burden to manage. Its on you to set some boundaries. You cant control what she says or does. You can control whether you give two shits or not.
Focus on yourself. Your mission. Your priorities. Your baggage.
PM for some resources.
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Post by workingonit on Jun 27, 2019 10:28:20 GMT -5
Agree with other posters about focusing on your own baggage.
And the TRUTH of your wife's past matters much less than her narrative about that past. She has created the meaning of her life based on her narrative. Trying to counteract that is a waste of your time.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2019 15:25:38 GMT -5
Agree with other posters about focusing on your own baggage. And the TRUTH of your wife's past matters much less than her narrative about that past. She has created the meaning of her life based on her narrative. Trying to counteract that is a waste of your time. "And the TRUTH of your wife's past matters much less than her narrative about that past." Great line workingonit. So true...in so many ways....about so many things.
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Post by lessingham on Jun 28, 2019 3:01:54 GMT -5
One of the more interesting things I explored with my therapist was which came first, the behaviour or the reason. She felt people have a behaviour and attach reasons to it, acts from their lives or previous relationships. What is a bad day for one person and forgotten becomes a cause celebre for another. My wife has no sex drive. The reasons are........ She will embellish the story. Anyway, a really, really bad night last night. The sex demons tormented me with a passion. I an off to find a door to trap my dick in or a cold shower. Happy Trails everyone
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 28, 2019 6:21:41 GMT -5
Your therapy is to figure yourself out and to help you live a happier life by changing the things under your control. Using your therapy to figure your wife out is a waste of time. If your therapist allows that you need a new therapist.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 28, 2019 6:56:12 GMT -5
Anyway, a really, really bad night last night. The sex demons tormented me with a passion. I an off to find a door to trap my dick in or a cold shower. Happy Trails everyone I gotta say something here. Trapping your dick in a door and taking a cold shower will just leave you shivering with a sore dick. Exactly how does this approach or response to your W's behavior help your situation? I don't say this very often because every SM is different and those of us here aren't walking around in your shoes. But I really, really do think you need to put some distance between yourself and your W. I'm talking emotional and physical distance. I don't care if she is ill, you need to get away from something this toxic for you.
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Post by sadkat on Jun 28, 2019 9:31:35 GMT -5
lessingham- “sex demons”- I really like that term. I’m going to adopt it. And I can totally relate with the “torment” part too. I hope, for your sake, that you chose a cold shower! I wish I could tell you how to survive the torment but I don’t have an answer for that. The only real solution is to move on with hopes that you’ll find what you crave elsewhere.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 28, 2019 9:56:49 GMT -5
You are waaaaaay too into your spouse's reality. Detach, detach, detach. I can relate to the sexual demons. A game changer for me was to recognize that I looked to sex for validation. I learned to seek validation internally, via self improvement, exercies, work, hobbies. Once I decoupled sex from the way I felt about myself, I came to see that I was my own demon. I encourage everyone to look into this. It completely changed things for me. Put me on my course to a different, healthier mindset. One of the more interesting things I explored with my therapist was which came first, the behaviour or the reason. She felt people have a behaviour and attach reasons to it, acts from their lives or previous relationships. What is a bad day for one person and forgotten becomes a cause celebre for another. My wife has no sex drive. The reasons are........ She will embellish the story. Anyway, a really, really bad night last night. The sex demons tormented me with a passion. I an off to find a door to trap my dick in or a cold shower. Happy Trails everyone
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Post by sadkat on Jun 28, 2019 11:08:09 GMT -5
TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo- can you explain a little more about this comment? “I looked to sex for validation”. Validation of what? When a craving for sex hits me, I’m not really thinking about being validated. I’ve done all those things you’ve mentioned (exercise, reaching out to friends, hobbies, talking to a therapist) to improve myself. It has yet to curb the sex demons that attack me periodically. I’m craving touch, hugs, kisses- all those wonderful sensations that only sex with another human being can bring me. I know you are on a path of self improvement and I applaud your efforts. You know your own motivations and I won’t disagree that you may have looked to sex for validation. I do disagree with applying that concept to the rest of us.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 28, 2019 11:36:40 GMT -5
Good point. Like anything. YMMV
What I mean about validation...I used to carry so much resentment because of rejection when I initiated.
I took rejection personally. That she didnt find me attractive. That W didnt love me. That she didnt desire me. That she had another lover. And so forth. These were my demons.
I would become anxious about initiating again soon. It was easier not to initiate. But then the anxiety became about not following through on my need to initiate.
Now I initiate regardless of the outcome. Sometimes it escalates. But if it doesnt, I dont get all wound up.
I am not touch starved. I touch my wife a lot. Not sexually necessarily. I will hug her, touch her waist with my hand, hold her hand, brush against her when squeezing by. Its all very contextual bc you dont want to come across as needy or creepy.
In short, my sexual demons have become more of a biological demon. So I still desire to fuck my wife. But if it doesnt happen, I dont get dejected.
Ive also learned to flirt alot with W and with others. I like the attention. The smiles, the stolen glances, the barely noticeable tension present as someone sizes you up whether they know it or not. I dont intend to escalate necessarily. But I do deliberatley flirt.
Not sure if it helps. But like Ive stated, it was a game changer for me not to get bent out of shape if sex happened or not. I became indifferent to the outcome. The important thing was that I can still express myself.
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