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Post by warmways on Jun 6, 2019 21:04:24 GMT -5
I know this is weird but I have no idea how to respond to an email from somebody I met in Meetup. When I met him he asked for my number and I declined , said we had just met but it would be great to see him again. I’d only known him a few hours.
He asked me out to dinner this weekend via email. I just saw the email he sent this afternoon.
I don’t want him to pay for me. I want to be his friend but he was so touchy-feely (I know, you’d think I’d welcome this and normally I would but we barely knew each other and I don’t think I’m very attracted to him.
Should I decline because I know he wants more from the friendship or just speak the truth and if says let’s go out anyway, fine or if he says no thanks, that okay too.
Im just feeling really unsure of how to act since I haven’t been asked out since 1996. Thanks. 🙄
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Post by sadkat on Jun 6, 2019 21:31:07 GMT -5
My opinion is that you should accept his dinner invitation and allow him to pay. Meet him at the restaurant and make sure he knows you are only willing to have dinner with him. Get to know him a little bit. When dinner is finished, if you still feel the same way you do now, make sure he knows you are only interested in a friendship. You can decide before you leave the restaurant if you want to spend more time with him outside of the meetup. Getting out and expanding your social circles is important. This is a good start. There is no reason why you need to treat each date as a potential future relationship.
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Post by warmways on Jun 6, 2019 21:33:46 GMT -5
Thank you for this advice. I just called a friend who said the same thing. I’m just a bit rusty in knowing how to act naturally but I’m just going to keep it light and just get to know him! (-:
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Post by sadkat on Jun 6, 2019 21:38:11 GMT -5
Thank you for this advice. I just called a friend who said the same thing. I’m just a bit rusty in knowing how to act naturally but I’m just going to keep it light and just get to know him! (-: Great idea! That’s a good positive attitude. Please come back and tell us how it went! |
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Post by baza on Jun 6, 2019 22:26:31 GMT -5
Be the same warmways as you present in this group would be my suggestion. This is NOT an exercise where you are trying to impress him - or agree with his opinions - or in any way pander to his ego - or present anything other than the authentic warmways . He will (hopefully) bring the authentic him to the table - or maybe adopt a position of trying to impress you - so keep your bullshit antenna switched on. He pays, you pay, split the bill. Doesn't matter. This is you "practicing" after a hiatus since 1996. |
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Post by workingonit on Jun 7, 2019 5:19:55 GMT -5
My opinion is that you should accept his dinner invitation and allow him to pay. Meet him at the restaurant and make sure he knows you are only willing to have dinner with him. Get to know him a little bit. When dinner is finished, if you still feel the same way you do now, make sure he knows you are only interested in a friendship. You can decide before you leave the restaurant if you want to spend more time with him outside of the meetup. Getting out and expanding your social circles is important. This is a good start. There is no reason why you need to treat each date as a potential future relationship. I agree with this exactly. If nothing else it is good practice! |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 7, 2019 7:03:16 GMT -5
At 1st glance the approach taken by your new friend seems a little aggressive. But I can see how it could come about. A few yeas ago I was in a K Mart and a woman passed by me. I suddenly felt drawn to this person. I was highly attracted to her physically although I had only seen her moments before. So I approached her, introduced myself, began a conversation, and after a bit of talk I told her how attracted to her I was. Fortunately her response was positive toward me and we talked more. But she was married and had 2 small children, Toward the end of the conversation she stated she simply didn't have time to engage in an affair because of her children.
So I could see this happening. How you feel and react after spending an evening with him will tell you all you need to know going forward. And I agree with baza, you could split the bill if it makes you feel more comfortable.
And I agree with parts of nsm post below. Drive yourself, let someone know where you are that evening and have them call you an hour or so into the meal. You could let them know how it's going and let them know via a coded conversation if it's just going to be a meet and eat and done or if you might allow the evening to be extended a bit.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 7, 2019 7:07:24 GMT -5
“ I don’t want him to pay for me. I want to be his friend but he was so touchy-feely (I know, you’d think I’d welcome this and normally I would but we barely knew each other and I don’t think I’m very attracted to him.
Should I decline because I know he wants more from the friendship or just speak the truth and if says let’s go out anyway, fine or if he says no thanks, “
Say “no thanks.” He is creeping you out by being too physical when you hardly know him. Pay attention to your own reactions. He is not respecting your boundaries. Just because you were in a sm doesn’t mean you should welcome a physical advance from a man you just met and aren’t attracted to.
Please read, “The Gift Of Fear,” by a man who had interviewed many rapists and serial killers. The author says women tend to ignore their gut reactions and that’s how they get in dangerous situations. Your gut is screaming to stay away from that man. Heed your feelings.
If you do go out with him (something I do not recommend) drive yourself. Allow only physicality you are comfortable with. And don’t go to his house or let him into yours unless you are absolutely sure you want to have sex with him.
Frankly, I don’t trust him. He seems like a man to avoid. He also seems like he’d be a bad lover at best, assaultive at worst. Good lovers are attuned to their partner’s feelings. They don’t push themselves on women who are uncomfortable with their advances.
Note that worksforme described meeting a woman whom he was powerfully attracted to but he didn’t get handsy with her. He reacted in a normal, trustworthy way. The guy you met reacted in a dysfunctional, disrespectful, overly aggressive way indicating he lacks self control and respect for you.
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Post by warmways on Jun 7, 2019 7:48:33 GMT -5
Thank you everybody for your words. I’m going to meet him for coffee in an open outdoor setting. I want to start the process of making connections and getting out 5ere. northstarmom, I appreciate your thoughts but didn’t get that kind of feeling from him. I didn’t give a very accurate picture of him. it wasn’t creepy at all just a little more hands on. I don’t have to take it anywhere if I don’t want to. I can just get to know him. . I will keep my boundaries and will respond in a way that protects me if It doesn’t go well. |
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Post by shamwow on Jun 7, 2019 8:44:57 GMT -5
Thank you everybody for your words. I’m going to meet him for coffee in an open outdoor setting. I want to start the process of making connections and getting out 5ere. northstarmom, I appreciate your thoughts but didn’t get that kind of feeling from him. I didn’t give a very accurate picture of him. it wasn’t creepy at all just a little more hands on. I don’t have to take it anywhere if I don’t want to. I can just get to know him. . I will keep my boundaries and will respond in a way that protects me if It doesn’t go well. Coffee makes more sense than dinner. It's polite but doesn't send mixed signals. Smart. |
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Question
Jun 7, 2019 8:47:57 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by northstarmom on Jun 7, 2019 8:47:57 GMT -5
The setting you chose sounds safe.
I hope you will read, “The Gift of Fear.” Every woman should. We are taught to ignore our gut feelings and to be “nice” instead. That can lead us into danger.
What specifically did you mean when you said he was “handsy”.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 7, 2019 8:48:21 GMT -5
I know this is weird but I have no idea how to respond to an email from somebody I met in Meetup. When I met him he asked for my number and I declined , said we had just met but it would be great to see him again. I’d only known him a few hours. He asked me out to dinner this weekend via email. I just saw the email he sent this afternoon. I don’t want him to pay for me. I want to be his friend but he was so touchy-feely (I know, you’d think I’d welcome this and normally I would but we barely knew each other and I don’t think I’m very attracted to him. Should I decline because I know he wants more from the friendship or just speak the truth and if says let’s go out anyway, fine or if he says no thanks, that okay too. Im just feeling really unsure of how to act since I haven’t been asked out since 1996. Thanks. 🙄 I could say so much about this! However I have said plenty in past posts. A few thoughts. "I don't think I am very attracted to him", well, welcome to the world of Meetup, and online dating! it happens. Everything from neck up pictures, pictures from 25 yrs, ago, to just how different someone can be when you meet them in person. It's perfectly natural to have preferences. ( mental, physical, and spiritual) Tall or short, big or small, fat or skinny,etc... Touchy feely... is a fine,line, a difficult one to walk, when dating. This gets into boundaries. For you ( and me) establishing and enforcing boundaries is all new ground, after decades of not being respected. You are going to have to make mistakes, and learn from them. Dinner , for some, is a serious move towards more than just an acquaintance. The same can be said for dancing, or being invited to someone's place. Be careful how you use the word "friendship". For some people a friendship is a cornerstone of a relationship. One way to keep a friendship distant and slowing it down is through text only. WindSister@ had good advice in the past. Forgive me if I don't quote it exactly, " I had a nice time ,there just isn't a connection" and then ending communication. If they need more " answers" it depends on how honest and upright they are about it. ( you will learn to see through the BS with more experience) I remember a date where we connected abundantly via text. Then even more so on our first dinner date. Then she coldly ghosted all communication. I eventually found out she met another man who she liked better. That's good, I was truthfully very happy for her. I was happy for myself too! Because the way she handled it said a lot about her trust factor, ( I suddenly felt like I could not put much trust in this person. More manipulation) and maybe her other issues. Congratulationss on taking risks, getting out there and discovering your true self. Here's to new beginnings! |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 7, 2019 9:37:19 GMT -5
warmways, I think you’re on the right track. Coffee is better than dinner at first; you can have the same conversation without mixed signals. After all, you met at a function intended for people to meet socially - being open to continuing the conversation (safely) seems a very natural thing to do. Good luck, enjoy the chat, and I agree with baza’s suggestion that this is your opportunity to start practicing selfishness - be confident about who you are, and don’t be afraid to kill it quickly if there isn't a match. Life goes on.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 7, 2019 10:04:52 GMT -5
Fwiw I wasn’t sexually attracted to post sm lover until I had been on several non touchy feelie dates with him. I’d known him for years and had never thought of him as more than an acquaintance. When we started dating, I got to know him and saw we had shared values and interests. When we finally kissed, it was instant chemistry. When we finally had sex, it was the best sex ever, something that has continued for the past 6 years.
So don’t rule someone out because you aren’t initially sexually attracted to them. Maybe you would need to know them better. My guy and I had our first date 6 years ago February and didn’t start having sex til that May. Our courtship was slow with dates very spaced out because both of us were busy. I also wanted to take my time as I was healing from my SM. Don’t feel you have to rush into anything. Go at a pace that makes you comfortable.
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