Post by RexCorvus on Jun 5, 2019 14:05:07 GMT -5
It has been a very very long time since I last posted. So much has happened and continues to happen, I truly have not a clue where to begin… so I will start with my post title “one week”. My divorce hearing date is in one week and it can’t come soon enough. Hopefully this is my last thread in the SM Issues section, but as my STBX and I are trying now to be civil and work amicably towards resolving our divorce, it may get delayed. This civility is a recent change and the past 2 ½ years working toward this date has been a nightmarish roller coaster of near total breakdown, emotional agony, deep resentment, fiery rage and woeful sadness. If not for ggold her love plus my friend’s and therapist’s support, truly I don’t know if I could have gotten through to this point.
Recap:
• 23 years in a SM. About every 5 years I would get the courage to bring it up, which only caused arguments and occasionally reset sex.
• July 2002 – Diagnosed with testicular cancer. (NO worries I found it early, everything works fine, I’m just streamlined 😊) She refused to go to doctor appointments when I had to “supply specimen samples” for testing or storage.
• Joined EP in 2009 determined to “fix it”. I was adamant that my SM was different. We loved each other, I just had to find the sacred key…
• After a couple of years of reading a mountain of books, researching websites, writing several letters, having multiple painful “Talks”, Trying to become the “perfect” husband, getting into shape, having an affair (who is now an amazing friend!), I gave up… I resigned myself that this was it. I would never find true happiness, this was the best that I could hope for. Having my children, my family, and a non-confrontational relationship. I resigned myself to live asexually.
• Summer 2016 – I was helping my oldest son traverse a toxic relationship with a bi-polar girl, when every word of advice rebounded onto me and smacked me in the face. I was a hypocritical sage advising my son when every day I lived in the deep despair of my SM.
• October 2016 – After a few months of searching, I found many of my old EP friends here on ILIASM. I posted My Story. I received a simple message of support and encouragement from my heaven-sent Angel and I am forever changed. HALLELUJAH!
• New Year’s Eve 2016 – I asked STBX for a divorce.
• January 2017 – I had five minute, unresponsive, disconnected reset sex with STBX. I felt tremendously horrible afterwards. But it was the catalyst that set me into resolute forward motion. I told my STBX that I would NEVER do that again, which SHOCKED her. She thought everything was back to NORMAL again. I immediately started going to therapy. I began sleeping in the basement on an old mattress on the cold concrete floor. My then 16 year old daughter moved into my spot in bed with my STBX. My STBX felt herself losing control, felt her world slipping through her fingers and the ugliness began.
• May 2017 – I told my STBX, that I met someone who I wanted to begin a serious relationship with. She began exercising (she NEVER exercised), losing A LOT of weight, drinking (she NEVER drank), smoking pot (she NEVER smoked) and going out with friends (she NEVER went out) to bars and concerts (when I’d ask her to go she would always complain of LOUD SMOKY atmospheres). She became “buddy’s to my daughter and they were openly disrespectful toward me. I snooped her text messages for nearly two years. Read the horrible things she said about me to our friends and to my daughter and discovered her flirting with her best friend’s husband
• October 2017 – I accepted a new job that has 80% travel. This provided much needed separation and as hard as it was, helped my kids build some separation as well. I also nearly doubled my salary.
• May 2018 – My then 16 year old daughter asked me my side of the story. I hesitated telling her but felt that being open was important knowing what she had heard from her mom. I told her about the sexless marriage, how hurt I was all these years and about ggold . She claimed to understand, we went to Panera and had coffee and cookies and had a good conversation about her ambitions after high school. When we got home, she immediately went to my STBX’s parents house and told them everything I had said. To which they texted me and told me that I had a very inappropriate conversation with her by sharing intimate details of my marriage and my girlfriend. That my daughter was extremely upset and in a fragile state and that I only did this to self validate my side. My conversation with her was at the very least inappropriate and I should have known better. I was close to her parents. They were the parents I never had. I had confided in them about the SM in 2009 but they offered no help, no support to me.
• August 2018 – My STBX and I told the children we were getting divorced. I retained a lawyer and filed first. She hired a lawyer shortly afterwards.
• September 2018 – My STBX’s best friend’s husband got sick on a Friday and went to the hospital, he passed away that Sunday night within 2 days’ time. I was in NJ with ggold when he passed.
• January 2019 – I moved into a rental home .3 miles away from the family residence. ggold came to visit and help. My STBX snooped my messages and knew I was moving. She showed up on my new door step with ggold in the house and dropped boxes of my things off. A week later I went to the marital home to move things over. I found an empty box in the van with a very derogatory commit about my post testicular cancer anatomy. We got into a fight about my time with our children. She was seeking full physical and legal custody of our children and was literally counting every hour that I spent with them. She acted innocent in the whole process and smugly told me that this was how divorce went. I grabbed the box and showed her its message. She absolutely lost it! She began hitting me and trying to get the box out of my hands. She slapped my face and knocked my glasses off then broke down crying. I gently handed her the box, she thanked me and threw it away. We sat and talked like adults for the first time since New Year’s Eve 12/31/2016.
• May 2019 – I had a sudden severe GI bleed. I went to the ER and was admitted to the hospital. STBX came to the hospital. I lost half or more of my blood. At one point my blood pressure dropped to 50/30 and in my STBX words, I “went completely gray, no color in my lips or my face”. I spent a week in the ICU. I had no food for 5 days and the surgeons were anxious to remove a section of my colon. I fought against it. My GI doctor tried one last new procedure and it worked. I stopped bleeding. I was sent home with my STBX and kids. I spent a week recovering. ggold was distraught. She had hardly heard from me and was getting updates mostly from my mom, my aunt and my son. I recovered but now have a blood clot in my right arm from my wrist to my armpit. I am on blood thinners and can’t travel for a while.
Those are the milestones of my journey thus far. Neither of us want our divorce to go to trial, but there are still unresolved issues, mostly dealing with amount and time frame of spousal maintenance I will pay her with only a week left. My lawyer has advised that I am being generous but fair but my STBX lawyer is seeking a lot more. My STBX and I are supposed to sit down today and review the numbers again. We are scheduled to sit down for a four-way meeting between her, her lawyer, me and mine the day before trial. I am tired. This has been a very long slog of attrition.
I share this with the hope of providing insights to some of the things you may face in your own journey. How long and arduous it may be. And as encouragement that it is possible to navigate seemingly impassable paths.
Rex
Recap:
• 23 years in a SM. About every 5 years I would get the courage to bring it up, which only caused arguments and occasionally reset sex.
• July 2002 – Diagnosed with testicular cancer. (NO worries I found it early, everything works fine, I’m just streamlined 😊) She refused to go to doctor appointments when I had to “supply specimen samples” for testing or storage.
• Joined EP in 2009 determined to “fix it”. I was adamant that my SM was different. We loved each other, I just had to find the sacred key…
• After a couple of years of reading a mountain of books, researching websites, writing several letters, having multiple painful “Talks”, Trying to become the “perfect” husband, getting into shape, having an affair (who is now an amazing friend!), I gave up… I resigned myself that this was it. I would never find true happiness, this was the best that I could hope for. Having my children, my family, and a non-confrontational relationship. I resigned myself to live asexually.
• Summer 2016 – I was helping my oldest son traverse a toxic relationship with a bi-polar girl, when every word of advice rebounded onto me and smacked me in the face. I was a hypocritical sage advising my son when every day I lived in the deep despair of my SM.
• October 2016 – After a few months of searching, I found many of my old EP friends here on ILIASM. I posted My Story. I received a simple message of support and encouragement from my heaven-sent Angel and I am forever changed. HALLELUJAH!
• New Year’s Eve 2016 – I asked STBX for a divorce.
• January 2017 – I had five minute, unresponsive, disconnected reset sex with STBX. I felt tremendously horrible afterwards. But it was the catalyst that set me into resolute forward motion. I told my STBX that I would NEVER do that again, which SHOCKED her. She thought everything was back to NORMAL again. I immediately started going to therapy. I began sleeping in the basement on an old mattress on the cold concrete floor. My then 16 year old daughter moved into my spot in bed with my STBX. My STBX felt herself losing control, felt her world slipping through her fingers and the ugliness began.
• May 2017 – I told my STBX, that I met someone who I wanted to begin a serious relationship with. She began exercising (she NEVER exercised), losing A LOT of weight, drinking (she NEVER drank), smoking pot (she NEVER smoked) and going out with friends (she NEVER went out) to bars and concerts (when I’d ask her to go she would always complain of LOUD SMOKY atmospheres). She became “buddy’s to my daughter and they were openly disrespectful toward me. I snooped her text messages for nearly two years. Read the horrible things she said about me to our friends and to my daughter and discovered her flirting with her best friend’s husband
• October 2017 – I accepted a new job that has 80% travel. This provided much needed separation and as hard as it was, helped my kids build some separation as well. I also nearly doubled my salary.
• May 2018 – My then 16 year old daughter asked me my side of the story. I hesitated telling her but felt that being open was important knowing what she had heard from her mom. I told her about the sexless marriage, how hurt I was all these years and about ggold . She claimed to understand, we went to Panera and had coffee and cookies and had a good conversation about her ambitions after high school. When we got home, she immediately went to my STBX’s parents house and told them everything I had said. To which they texted me and told me that I had a very inappropriate conversation with her by sharing intimate details of my marriage and my girlfriend. That my daughter was extremely upset and in a fragile state and that I only did this to self validate my side. My conversation with her was at the very least inappropriate and I should have known better. I was close to her parents. They were the parents I never had. I had confided in them about the SM in 2009 but they offered no help, no support to me.
• August 2018 – My STBX and I told the children we were getting divorced. I retained a lawyer and filed first. She hired a lawyer shortly afterwards.
• September 2018 – My STBX’s best friend’s husband got sick on a Friday and went to the hospital, he passed away that Sunday night within 2 days’ time. I was in NJ with ggold when he passed.
• January 2019 – I moved into a rental home .3 miles away from the family residence. ggold came to visit and help. My STBX snooped my messages and knew I was moving. She showed up on my new door step with ggold in the house and dropped boxes of my things off. A week later I went to the marital home to move things over. I found an empty box in the van with a very derogatory commit about my post testicular cancer anatomy. We got into a fight about my time with our children. She was seeking full physical and legal custody of our children and was literally counting every hour that I spent with them. She acted innocent in the whole process and smugly told me that this was how divorce went. I grabbed the box and showed her its message. She absolutely lost it! She began hitting me and trying to get the box out of my hands. She slapped my face and knocked my glasses off then broke down crying. I gently handed her the box, she thanked me and threw it away. We sat and talked like adults for the first time since New Year’s Eve 12/31/2016.
• May 2019 – I had a sudden severe GI bleed. I went to the ER and was admitted to the hospital. STBX came to the hospital. I lost half or more of my blood. At one point my blood pressure dropped to 50/30 and in my STBX words, I “went completely gray, no color in my lips or my face”. I spent a week in the ICU. I had no food for 5 days and the surgeons were anxious to remove a section of my colon. I fought against it. My GI doctor tried one last new procedure and it worked. I stopped bleeding. I was sent home with my STBX and kids. I spent a week recovering. ggold was distraught. She had hardly heard from me and was getting updates mostly from my mom, my aunt and my son. I recovered but now have a blood clot in my right arm from my wrist to my armpit. I am on blood thinners and can’t travel for a while.
Those are the milestones of my journey thus far. Neither of us want our divorce to go to trial, but there are still unresolved issues, mostly dealing with amount and time frame of spousal maintenance I will pay her with only a week left. My lawyer has advised that I am being generous but fair but my STBX lawyer is seeking a lot more. My STBX and I are supposed to sit down today and review the numbers again. We are scheduled to sit down for a four-way meeting between her, her lawyer, me and mine the day before trial. I am tired. This has been a very long slog of attrition.
I share this with the hope of providing insights to some of the things you may face in your own journey. How long and arduous it may be. And as encouragement that it is possible to navigate seemingly impassable paths.
Rex